[Persephone76]

I'm wanting to email out PBmother, but I'm not sure what I want to say.

I've tried calling a few different times but she was either in the shower or at work. She never called us back.

I've talked to the pbfather a few times. He said that she's not having second thoughts but is (in his words) 'heartbroken'.

I'm guessing that she is grieving.

I asked him if she called the counseler that I told her about. He said he didn't think so. She's not into that kind of thing.

He said that he knows that adoption is the best thing for them right now. (They have 2 children already and are young)

So my questions are:

Should I bring up the counseling in the email?

Should I let them know that we would understand if they wanted to parent?

Should I let them know that if they did change their minds (before the birth) that we ask that they let us know please let us know, either by phone or just an email?

Is there anything you might talk about in an email?

Thanks!

[kelceesmom]

Such a difficult time. I had those feelings all through our wait. You want to do what is best for the pbmom but we are a little selfish in that we still want what we want. No bashing just saying that's how I felt. I think our hearts are usually right. If you feel the need to say those things to her you should. Maybe it would make her a little more at ease knowing that you would understand a change of heart?! Hopefully she will get counseling and find some tools to help her cope. Good luck in your journey. Keep us posted and we will keep you in our prayers.

[lahdh4]

I would just drop a quick email asking how everyone is doing. If she answers you and tells you alittle about how she is feeling then I would bring up counseling or just talking to a professional.

[mtlover]

PAParent,

Please back off. This woman is experiencing the most difficult decision she will ever make and is in contact with the people who she needs right now. Let her make that decision without you consistently pushing for contact. She knows you have called she knows how to contact you. She is communicating with you right now that she does not want communication with you right now. Please respect that... Please.

[browneyes0707]

I think it's OK just to pop an e-mail over just to let her know that you hope she's OK. I remember when I was pregnant, there were times when I just wanted to be alone, or I was overwhelmed when a-mom would call to check on me, and it wasn't personal and I wasn't regretting my choice or having second thoughts, I just didn't want to talk, period. Just a quick simple thinking of you may go a long way. I always say that the way I knew my DD's a-mom would be a great mom was because of the way she was there me, I know she'd be there for my girl. Hang in there and I hope it works out for you

[Persephone76]

Originally Posted by mtlover

PAParent,

Please back off. This woman is experiencing the most difficult decision she will ever make and is in contact with the people who she needs right now. Let her make that decision without you consistently pushing for contact. She knows you have called she knows how to contact you. She is communicating with you right now that she does not want communication with you right now. Please respect that... Please.

I not trying to push her. I thought the same thing, she will contact us when she is ready. So I didn't call. I didn't have their email address. Then after about 4 weeks of no contact PBfather emailed us. Wanting to meet us. Wanting to make sure we are all on the same page yet.

Thats the only reason that I feel like they might want more contact.

Spoke with DH again about it and told him what you posted and he thinks that we should let it go for now. See how things work out.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

[Vogi2002]

I personally do not think there is any harm with sending her a quick, thinking of you, email. Do NOT ask her about the adoption or anything, I would just ask how she is, and that you just wanted to let her know that you are here if she needs anything.

It's been 4 weeks? If you haven't spoke in over 2 weeks then I definetely think an email is fine.

Just my opinion!
Natalie

[dtmom2b]

I agree, just a quick short email would be good. Just show concern about her and how SHE is doing!! Remember it is all about her right now and how she feels. This thought was the one thing that made our open adoption process go smoothly.

[PWRWAGN]

Some great advice here. I am no expert as we are still working towards our first adoption but our pbmom was not real talkative at first. After we met her we emailed her once telling her that we were praying for her and the baby and if she had an more questions of us to please let us know. At first we heard nothing for a couple of days then she started emailing photos of her and her 3 year old daughter, and now she talks with my wife about 5 or 6 times a day!

I think giving her some space and just letting her know that we cared really helped her trust us and feel more apt to talke with us. Obviously all people are different and some just don't want to talk.

Good luck with your situation!

[Persephone76]

I've not talked with the PBmom in about 6 weeks. I talked to the PBfather last week for a short time.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Persephone76

I've talked to the pbfather a few times. He said that she's not having second thoughts but is (in his words) 'heartbroken'.

I'm guessing that she is grieving.
********
He said that he knows that adoption is the best thing for them right now. (They have 2 children already and are young)

This sent up red flags for me. Do you know that she really does not want to talk to you? The father could very well be monitoring her calls. Do you really know that counseling is not her thing? Or is the father not letting her go. Does she really want to place this baby? Or is the father forcing her to.

Domestic violence is all about power and control. Someone can be abused without ever being hit. Perpetrators of domestic violence do things like screen calls, cut partners off from all support and present ultimatums, etc. They presume to speak for their partner and try to silence their partner's voice.

Please take a look at this site. It is good at explaining how power and control are used. Physical violence often does not happen until later.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/wheel.html

[Persephone76]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

This sent up red flags for me. Do you know that she really does not want to talk to you? The father could very well be monitoring her calls. Do you really know that counseling is not her thing? Or is the father not letting her go. Does she really want to place this baby? Or is the father forcing her to.

I never said that she didn't want to talk to me. Just that I hadn't talked to her in a while. The one time I called he said that she was in the shower and they were on their way out of town.

The next time I called was in the afternoon, I just was leaving a message. He called right back. He said that she was at work. Which I belive because she is a waitress and works evenings and nights. I pretty well figured that she was at work.

The one time that she called me was on her day off.

[beth9927]

Our bmom didn't take a couple of my calls (and she picked the time for me to call!) but I think she was just too emotional. We finally talked once on the phone and wrote a letter, and then she gave birth. She didn't change her mind and seems happy with the decision. (We still exchange letters) She sounded to me as if she just needed some space, which may be true in your situation as well.

Good luck!
Beth

[2manyks]

i agree, let it go for awhile. she just doesnt want to have the degree of openness you wish for. she knows your phone# and you can just send her a quick email saying - thinking of you email me if you get a chance and let it go at that. she is pregnant, busy w/ kids and a job and probably not interested in a friendship. she has a husband to lean on and other friends. whatever happens happens and you will have to live w/ that. you will still worry, but there is nothing you can do. you want contact to help you and to let her know you care, she doesnt want contact right now. good luck and hope for the best.

[ess922]

Originally Posted by Persephone76

He said that she's not having second thoughts but is (in his words) 'heartbroken'.

I asked him if she called the counseler that I told her about. He said he didn't think so. She's not into that kind of thing.

He said that he knows that adoption is the best thing for them right now. (They have 2 children already and are young)

I never said that she didn't want to talk to me. Just that I hadn't talked to her in a while. The one time I called he said that she was in the shower and they were on their way out of town.

The next time I called was in the afternoon, I just was leaving a message. He called right back. He said that she was at work. Which I belive because she is a waitress and works evenings and nights. I pretty well figured that she was at work.

The one time that she called me was on her day off.

Its hard to put my finger on it. Maybe its just being too suspicious. But first he says she's in the shower. Then you're leaving a message and he calls right back to tell you she's working. And, he's telling you that HE knows adoption is best while she is heartbroken. And HE is telling you that counseling is not her thing...

Maybe it is reading into things... but having dealt with a manipulative bdad, who IS abusive of bmom, it just rung a bell. He'd intercept her calls all the time. Told us his version of her feelings. Lied to us about stuff she said and did not say, etc.

Who knows what is really going on. I just think that the one thing you are hearing loud and clear -- both from what he's telling you and from the fact that she's not calling you herself -- is as you said, that she is grieving.

She may well be heartbroken. She may not want to place this baby. She may agree with pbdad that its for the best, or she may not. I applaud you for suggesting counseling! I hope she takes advantage of it (if she is able).

If there's no agency involved, is there an atty? In your state, do the birthparents need their own lawyer? I'd want someone else to be in contact with her at some point to see how she's doing, to assess her safety, and to make sure that she's provided with opportunities to seriously look at parenting as well as placing.