[Shai's Mom]

DH and I adopted two amazing little boys. The older one just turned 5 and the little one is 16 months old. We applied for a third adoption and are looking for a child to "bridge" the age difference, which means a 2 - 4 year old.

Who has adopted out of birth order? What to look out for? What were the "hurdles" you faced and how did you overcome them?

We just got back from the meeting with our social worker, so needless to say we're soooo excited.

[mumofone]

We, too, are planning to adopt out of birth order.

If you had asked me 5 years ago, I would have said "no way". However, our oldest is almost 9, and our babe just turned 2.

Having a child between the two would make it more natural. Because of the age difference between my children, I am always getting comments like, "boy, I bet the baby was a surprise". They just automatically assume that he was an "ooops". He was a surprise, a beautiful surprise.

So, I guess I am looking for feedback too.

Thanks,

[2manyks]

we did everything out of order. when i was pregnany w/ my 5th child we adopted a baby so the pregnancy became our 6th child before he was even born. 2 years ago we adopted a sib group and thise 2 kids were slightly older then 2 of my kids. sometimes those kids are the same age groups. they are also in the same grades at school. so, on paper it looks like we have 3 sets of twins. i will admit it was hard on the existing kids because they were displaced and it was hard on the new kids because they were used to being the oldest/baby of their family. it has also been hard because the new kids are just plain hard kids. they have problems and their emotional ages are much younger then their physical ages. so be careful, if you want a 4 yr old, you will get maybe a 2 yr old emotionally, which means the new kids will play great w/ your 2 yr old. believe me its true. my "new" 6 yr old plays w/ my 3 yr old better then her 6 yr old sister. make sure you get some play therapy for your new kid(s). it helps them to move ahead because of past trauma/neglect they will need it to move on. study up on attachment issues.

[Shelley]

I returned from China in Jan this yr with our 2nd daughter, who is 4th oldest, but the 6th child to join our family. Meaning she was 4 and we had two younger than her ages 3 and 20 months. While things are going well now, it was somewhat difficult in the beginning.
One night as I sat holding her while she screamed and kicked and tried to get away from, I realized she had never been any Mommy's baby. Yes she was cared for in her orphange, but she was never a baby. I rocked and babied her as much as possible, and still do, but with 2 younger children sometimes that hard.
I now understand why some agencies don't allow you to adopt out of birth order. Not that she's been overly difficult, or has had trouble attaching, but I think if we were to do it again we would maintain birth order. Shelley Mom to 6

[DianeS]

Adopting out of birth order is often discouraged because of the physical acts of violence the older child can do to the younger child.

When you are the parent of a child for a number of years, you usually have a good idea of what that child may do to a younger one. Is the older child a hitter, a thrower, a kicker? How hard? What are the things that might send that child into that mood? And you are able to prevent almost all problems between the siblings.

But when you choose to bring in an older child to the family - you have none of those pieces of knowledge that will help you protect the younger one. You have to watch out for EVERYTHING - hitting, kicking, throwing, even things you never thought of. And you have no idea what might send the older child into a mood where they might want to hurt the younger, so again you have to watch ALL the time.

To look at it another way - go to a local playground, and point at an average 2-4 year old. Mentally take that child home, and put that child into a room with your 16 month old. Shut the door and walk away, don't come back for 15 minutes.

Can you do it? Do you think that's a good idea? Children who are in the same family are often unattended together for lengths of time. They're in the living room together while a parent makes dinner out of eyesight. Or they share a room to sleep. Or a parent leaves the children together to do a load of laundry or to shower.

Even if the 5 year old and 16 month old don't have any problems left alone like that, adding a child about whom you know nothing (or very little) can change that.

Of course it doesn't happen in every out-of-birth-order adoption. But it happens in some. And it's very much something "to look out for".

[CalandraLark]

I don't have any experience with adopting out of birth order, but I thought I'd mention something I heard on the radio Sunday. I was listening to a christian program that does a variety of issues for families and was pleasently surprised to hear they were doing a push for adoption.

The interesting thing to me was that both of the adoptive fathers they had talking about it had specifically planned to adopt after their older children were of an age that they felt they could spend as much time as they needed with the young child they adopted. They did a good job at giving a great view of both the difficulties and special joys in adopting but it seemed to me the host was very focused on the possible problems of adopting too close to your biological children.

At this point I probably won't adopt out of birth order unless I feel very called to a particular child, but I do intend to have biological children and adoptive children closer than the teenager and toddler gap at least on one of the families had.

Any thoughts?

[Shelley]

Excellent point Diane, we did have a problem when we first got home with the 4 yo hitting and spitting at the 3 yo. At one point the 4 yo slapped the 3 yos face so hard she left a handprint. WHile most of that has stopped, I am still leary of leaving them alone together sometimes. For the first 3 months home after she slapped the 3 yo I wouldn't let them out of my sight. The 20 months old was basically beyond her notice until one day he took something, that was his but that she had played with 2 days before and she knocked him for a loop.
I'm glad you brought this point up because I had forgotten about it. Shelley

[Shai's Mom]

Thanks for the feedback!

We are still planning to adopt a child that's in age between our two boys. I(we) have no illusions about this one going as smooth as the other two, but, we will prepare as best as we can, expect the worst and then be happy if things turn out okay.

Once/if we get our new child, I think I will make sure to treat her like a young toddler who can't be left alone. At least until I can be sure that the little one won't get hurt.

Watching for attachment/bonding issues is a given.

I really want to do this, because I feel that there is another child somewhere out there who needs me. Ok, maybe I am overly sentimental, but, on the other hand, I'm doing my homework. I'm studying up a lot on attachment issues. I started reading a book called "Attachment in Adoption" by Deborah Gray and am waiting for another one "Parenting the Hurt Child".

Isn't it better for a child to have a Mom and Dad that offer a good home and stability than not having a family?

We have room in our hearts, in our home, so, whatever will be, will be.