[waitin']

Hello,
We are in the starting the process of adoption. We are very excited, and a little worried, and a littel confused. We are going with a private adoption with a lawyer. We need to network on our own to try and find a Birth Mother. Now, people have been talking to me about their great experiences with an agency adoption. What should I do? Any advice? What are the pros and cons of each? Thanks!

[Lovebug]

First thing to help you would be to investigate your state laws. We live in an "agency-only" state, so the decision was made for us already.

Hope that helps a bit!

--Renee

[kelceesmom]

Renee is correct. We live in CA and can use an agency, lawyer or facilitator. We chose a facilitator. Once you know what you are allowed to due it will help you in a choice.

[ContactChar]

One thing to remember is that nothing says you can't do both! That's what I'm doing. There are pros and cons to each. For me, the pros of independent adoption, working with an experienced adoption attorney are:

- you have some control (ha ha) over the process, who you meet, how the selection is made, etc.
- independent can be much less expensive than agency, depending on the agency program, whether bmom expenses are paid, how long you have to search/advertise, etc.
- if you feel like things are lagging, you can kickstart the effort by placing more/new ads, talking to more people, etc.
- you can make sure that the prospective bmom gets appropriate legal counsel and therapy.
- you have direct contact with the expectant mom.

The pros of agency are:

- someone is (theoretically) always working on your match, even when you don't have the energy to search anymore
-though the fees may be higher, agency fees are more predictable, and generally will at least roll over if you have a failed match
- a good agency will provide thorough adoptive and birth parent counseling for as long as it's needed
- there's someone else there to filter the calls and also as a buffer with the expectant mom when you need it.

HTH!

Char

[beth9927]

We did a private adoption, and although it is much cheaper, sometimes I wish I would have used an agency. A lot of decisions were made 'for' me by my atty, and a lot of delays were caused by the atty not exactly knowing what she was doing. Our adoption is taking almost a year to finalize, when it could have been done in 6 months. ALso, I've had to do a lot of research on my own about different issues going on and during the stressful time of adopting, it would have been nice to know the agency was looking out for my best interests. (I guess you can have the same problem with an agency though!) Good luck!

Beth

[HBV]

To me, the biggest drawback to a private attorney situation is that an attorney's not as likely to have resources for counseling, medical care, etc. in place for the birthmother.

[waitin']

Thanks for the replies. I am really struggling with what to do. The agency seems like an easier, but possibly more expensive way to go. And the other thing is, can you "choose" your pbmom if you go through an agency?

[HBV]

You give your agency parameters about what you want or don't want (e.g. degree of open contact, major medical, race, etc.) It's important to be honest about what you think you and your family can deal with. Then, once that's finished, you'll put together a photo album with pictures of your home and your family, with a letter to the expectant mother. Expectant parents look through all the books the agency has, and express interest in whatever families strike them as being the type of adoptive parents they're looking for. Then, usually your agency will contact you to let you know if a birthmother has expressed interest in your family and will tell you a little about the birthmother and her circumstances. If it's not something you're comfortable with, you say no and wait for the next match.

[lisa in venice]

Like Char suggested there is nothing wrong with doing both. In both of our independent adoptions we used agency resources for counseling etc. In both cases we found the expectent mom either on our own or thru and Attorney and the agency did most of everything else except the legals.

An important thing that you get with very ethical agencies like the ones we used will offer many services and resources that will often enable the expectant family to parent. For us we viewed this as a good thing because it really gave us a great sense of security in that we knew that pur children's parents were given every oppotunity to parent so when they made an adoption plan they were reasonably sure about it. Also becuase of the resources offered by the agencies it cut down on our out of pocket expenses so that if a situation didn't work out we didn't loose several month's worth of expenses.

[Fran27]

Good replies, just a few things I wanted to add:

- with attorneys, you often still owe the fees if you have a failed match, so if you're unlucky it might end up costing more than an agency

- some agencies won't let you refuse a match, unless it ends up not meeting your criteria. The good thing about those is that it's easier on the birthmothers because they usually won't be refused by the family they choose unless they lied about something (about not using drugs for example). I personally can't imagine choosing a family only to see them tell us that they don't want my baby. Ouch... Usually those agencies ask you everything you are comfortable with for expenses, drug and alcohol use, race, medical problems etc though, so there isn't any bad surprise, unless something goes wrong at birth of course and then you can say no.

- Personally, I would be very wary of any professional who wouldn't ask you what exactly you are comfortable with beforehand. Frankly, attorneys and agencies that show your profiles to situations you will most likely refuse if you are chosen just make me sick. What a lack of ethics, and poor birthmothers. And unfortunately it seems I hear from those everyday... With a good adoption professional, you shouldn't have to refuse a match.

[waitin']

Thanks everyone. We have signed on with an agency yesterday and I am so excited. I think this is the best option for us. We also have a provate lawyer and she said that she will make sure that our agency is nothing but ethical. She has a lot of experience, so I am very very happy with this decison. Fran..are you the IVF connection Fran? If so, Hi!

[Fran27]

Yes I am