[dragonfly1234]

Hi everyone!

Hope this isn't a problem posting. But it came up when I posted a response earlier today. Just curious about others response.

I have a bio son who is 6 and an adoptive child who is 2. I have never felt any different in my love for them both.

However i do believe that others have..just curious why and how.

I don't mean this to start a thread to bash parents or thoughts..justwant it to be informative. We all can learn from each other what works and what doesn't. We are all individuals with different thoughts and feelings.

My youngest son had really bad colic his first 2 months but did that change our feelings about him...no. Sure it was alot of sleepless nights and days of frustration but he got thru it like any other child...bio or adopted.

Thank you all! I have learned so much here so far on this forum...Hope to contiune.

Thanks, Michelle

[Leigh131313]

For me, when I first saw ds it was a mixture of emotions I wouldn't call it a motherly-bond-love-type-thing...especially because at that point, papers weren't signed and we still had 10 days after that where the bparents could revoke.

It really started to feel "real" when we left the hospital. Even tho we still had the 10 days to wait out...just leaving the hospital as a family - not having to check everything with the birthmom anymore (which of course we did at the hospital) - not feeling like a visitor anymore....all that is what started off my "motherly" feelings.

I didnt have any issue bonding...thankfully!! But I certainly know it can happen with adopted and biological children.

I also think age of the child can make it easier or harder to bond. I can't imagine my son entering our family NOW...it's one thing to have a newborn baby enter your family...a whole other can of worms when a toddler who says NO and needs discipline enters your family..it must be quite difficult. I love him to bits and pieces, but somedays the boy drives me mental!! I would have to think that could effect bonding if it was your first experiences as mother and child.


Thanks for starting this topic, its an interesting one indeed.

And in case any of you are struggling with this very issue, we do have a post adoption depression forum, so I encourage you to seek guidance there....even if its just to talk to others who have BTDT.

[Kimmisue]

My two children are both adopted, but I had very different "first" feelings. I immediately was in love with my ds (firstborn) but we also had alot of contact prebirth with his bmom...we did the dr. appts and I even cut the cord when he was born. We were bonded instantly. However, when my dd was born it really took a week or two for me to feel that overwhelming bonding feeling. We were matched just hours after she was born and got to meet her bmom for about 10 minutes. I think it took longer because I was still in shock. I wanted a girl SOOOOOO badly I couldn't see straight and when I got her, it honestly took awhile for me to really feel that bond. I told my husband that it just hasn't sunk in that she's really ours. I think I wanted it so badly that I didn't think it was ever going to happen, we were on the verge of giving up. So when it did, I couldn't believe it.

Not really the same as the op's question I guess. But I think it's okay and normal to have different first feelings with your children. There's no doubt in my mind now that I love both of my children more than ever imaginable. So, I don't think I really answered your question....but....I chimed in anyway.

[bajj]

I can't reply based on bio kids and adoptive kids, but I can based on bio sibs and adopted sibs.

I am the youngest of 5 kids. I had two sibs who were bio and two who were adopted. I love them all as my siblings. We fought well, we played well, we laughed well, we screamed well...you get the picture! I didn't feel a stronger bond with my bio sibs than with my adopted sibs. I never introduced them as "these are my adopted sisters" like I have heard other people say. I cringe when I hear one of my friends talk about her adopted sister verses her "real" sisters. She's recently adopted herself and I hope she doesn't make that same distinction between her bios and adopted kiddos.

[MichelleL11]

I have two bio kids and just adopted my daughter. For the first two I do remember being so physically beat up after the deliveries (long labors for both, a C-section for one) that I distinctly remember relief more than love at first. Relief that the process was over and they were okay. As I recovered I started feeling the more "traditional" loving feelings for my children.

With my newest daugther, the first moment I saw her she just took my breath away. TPR was already signed, so I guess that made it very easy to just dive in. It would've been hard if that was not the case because as soon as I saw her I knew I could, would, and should love her.

MichelleL

[intladoptionblog]

We adopted internationally, so it was the referral photo that started the love growing with both our kids. Subsequent shots piled it on, and by the time we picked them up, the love was a done deal.

With my bio kids it was much the same, only we didn't have pictures. I knew them, and that I loved them, at birth.

I've never been the cautious type.

[teranga]

I think it may have been my post you are referring to, so I'll explain a bit more than in my brief initial post.

Also, I'll mention that if you'd like more information on this, there is a forum on this exact topic. I can look up where it is on this site if you can't find it (i can't remember where off-hand) but it's called something like Post-Adoption Support...can't remember the exact name of it.

I did say in my first post that bonding isn't necessarily immediate with biological OR adopted children. There are many people and support forums, etc. who feel tremendous guilt that after the birth they've anticipated they feel a lot of emotions, but instant love isn't one of them. It's not just with adopted children, and didn't mean it to be taken that way.

For me personally, I have 2 bio children, and felt instant love immediately with both.

I then adopted our son, and I did not feel that. The circumstances were not what I expected, and I'm sure that played into it. We adopted from Ethiopia, and we'd been told our son was really healthy. We arrived at the orphanage and a woman walked in with our son, who looked extremely ill, handed him to us, and said we should take him to our hotel so he could nap and she left. So we got back in the taxi and left. We were pretty stunned that we we were just handed our child, and then left on our own without a single word about him, or what he liked/didn't like, anything about his health, etc. He was very ill and listless and looked as if he might have some pretty severe developmental delays. None of it was what we'd expected. At the time I was too stunned to ask anythign, but realized on the way back to the hotel I needed to ask some questions. I called our contact and was unable to reach her FOR DAYS. In the meantime, it became apparent that he was REALLY ill, and we were concerned he would die. With no contact, we relied entirely on our English speaking taxi driver to choose a hospital for us, translate, etc. And again, we thought he might have some pretty major delays, which just wasn't how he had been presented to us so our expectations were totally thrown off. This was all incredibly stressful to us. I spent the first week really, just stressed and worried tht he was going to die, but not feeling a motherly love. Feeling more like I needed to make sure this stranger did not die. The potential delays were a big deal to us as well. I know there are some incredibly strong people out there, many of you post, who take this on without a thought. But we were not prepared to do that and we'd been clear about that from day one. If anything comes up with any of our children now, then of course we'll take it as it comes, but we were not prepared to knowingly take on a child with major developmental delays when adopting.

Anyway, the bottom line there is that it did all work out, but it took many more months before my son felt like MY son. Along the way I felt tremendous guilt for not feeling instant love and bonding--especially b/c I HAD felt that for my bio kids. I did not admit it to anyone. I WANTED to feel it, but I didn't. And it didn't help that people would ask a lot of questions like "tell me about that amazing moment when he was placed in your arms and you felt that instant love." Guilt, guilt, guilt. I had thought I would feel that, expected to feel that, only prepared to feel that, but didn't. And how could I ever admit I hadn't felt that? What if my son one day found out how I felt?

Finally I found a thread about this, and then a whole forum about it, and realized this happens a lot. Both bio and adopted. That helped me with the guilt a lot, and as the guilt went, the attachment grew. I love him so much now, and it's hard for me to believe I didn't feel the attachment right away when I loook at him, but I brought it up b/c I think it's really important for people to understand taht if they DON"T feel instant love there is nothing wrong with you....that others are in your boat...kind of like how no one, 20 years ago, would discuss post-partum depression and everyone pretended it wasn't there, but now we know it's quite common and people don't have to feel embarrassed or like bad mothers to talk about it. I want others to know that it's ok when adopting to go through an attachment PROCESS rather than instantaneous love.

So....there you go.

Teranga

[mom2justynsarah]

I have a bio son who is almost eight, and an adopted daughter who is almost two. I had a c-section and post pardum depression with my son. At first, I was more overwhelmed (and in pain) than anything else.

But I did feel an incredible sense of awe that here was this baby who had just spent 9 months growing in me! I couldn't believe he was part of me and my husband!

Of course as time went by, (and I was healing) the bond between mother and child just grew and grew. I felt insanely attached to him. Our love was strong and fierce.

When it came to my daughter, from the moment I saw her, held her and kissed her, I felt an instant bond. I just knew she was my daughter. She was always meant to be my daughter. Oddly enough, she even looked familiar.

Since I did not go through a pregnancy with her, I did not have to deal with post pardum, or physical pain. Because of this, my feelings for her were stronger than when I gave birth to my son.

But to me, love is all about consistant caring, nurturing, bonding and getting to know your baby. It is when your child (regardless of being bio or not) responds back to you with coos, smiles, excitement etc, that the bond and love just grows and grows.

[kelceesmom]

For me I wouldn't say it was instant love, but there were definately strong feelings for her. We had some time to prepare but you can never prepare enough. Partly I think it was because we were in a different state, having to be in a hotel. Nothing was familiar. Within a few weeks I was in love though. I don't think this is uncommon. The journey is long, hard, and sometimes painful and the end and start to a new beginning takes a little time. All worth it though.

[dragonfly1234]

Hi Teranga!

You brought up an interesting topic the other day and thought it would be interesting to find out what others have experienced.

We have all had different circumstances and placed into situations that make the love/bond for each child some instant others it takes time.

Thanks,

Michelle

[gottahavehope]

I loved my son so early on. My husband and I were invited to our son's birthmother's doctor's appointment when she was about 16 weeks preggo. I saw our little boy on the ultrasound and heard his heartbeat-and bam! That was it for me. I knew that there was no gaurantee that he would actually be my son. My head told me to be smart, but I could not stop my heart. I loved him in that moment. I wanted to protect him. I worried about him. I dreamed about him. I would have done anything for me, regardless if I was able to adopt him or now. This love only intensified during the months of our son's birthmother's pregnancy.

She told us he was a boy-I soared.
She would call us and have the nurse hold the doppler of his heart beating to her cell phone-I would be in awe.
She asked me to talk to the baby at night while she held the phone to her belly, so he would know my voice-I would cry tears of joy.

When he was born, I remember just bawling. They took him over to the warmer to be cleaned up. My husband, who had just cut the cord, went over with them. I stood next to our son's birthmother and just hugged her and we both cried. Then she said, Momma-go and get your boy!

I almost burst when they put him in my arms. The love was so intense. I knew that whether or not he became my son, I was going to love him forever.

I think that is what made the 45 days that our son's birthmother had to change her mind, so scary and so emotional. I never want to have to go through something like that again. The fear of losing my son was the worst thing I have ever felt. I know the law would say that he was no my son yet, but tell that to my heart.

I am now pregnant and I have seen the heartbeat of this second child and I am falling in love again. I have had multiple miscarriage and my head, again, tells me to be careful. We are no where out of the woods-but that darn heart of mine never listens.

Peace and love,
K

[DebCsMom]

We have 2 bio children & 3 adopted. When we adopted our 1st DD it was INSTANT love & an INSTAND bond. Just as if I had given birth. SAME feelings! As I held her for the 1st time, just a few minutes after her birth, I felt the same way I did when I gave birth to my son & daughter.

Then we had another match. We were matched a couple weeks before he was born. We were there for most of the 42 hours of labor. I was her coach, cut the babys cord & the 1st to hold him. The 3 days we had with him in the hospital I can honestly say I did have that same bond or love. On the night of signing she changed her mind. I must have had instinct that he wasn't going to be ours. His Mom NEVER gave us ANY sign that she was changing her mind up to that point. It came TOTALLY out of the blue!

When we adopted DD#2 a few months later we loved her INSTANTLY!!! Bonding took a couple more weeks. She was a very difficult baby & I had absolutely NO sleep for MONTHS!! I would hold her all night while she sried wondering why this child would not love me, bond to me! She is 4 now & the love our our lives! It turns out that it wasn't a bonding issue with her at all, she has Early Onset Bipolar & PDD. For now she is stable. She is my special girl! I can't imagine our lives without her!!

A year later we adopted our DS. We knew his BMom would not change her mind. It was either she placed with a family or SS would take him. The second I saw him at 12 hours old he stole my heart!! Still has it! Our bond was STRONG! He is SUCH a Momma's Boy!

Deb

[ourdreamcametru]

For me the mothering bond is very strong, I can sense when my children are in trouble or when they are in need of some special time without them saying a word. I bonded with all three of my children from moment I knew they were conceived. Our two boys are bio so that was early on but our duaghter is adopted so I didn't know about her until three months before she was born but not the less the very moment I met her birthmother I felt a strong bond with that baby. I/we do not feel any difference between any of our children and never did.

[traceyk]

I have two bio daughters and our beautiful baby we adopted. The feelings were the exact same. When they placed them all in my arms, I cried so hard because it was the most wonderful thing that I have ever held. And I breastfed all three and with Drihan it was the same, if she cried I had letdown. Even the first time I bfed her which was 15 min. after leaving the agency. I knew in my heart she was my baby just as the other two were. And we were matched with Drihan after she was born, not before so we did not have any build up to the birth either. We got the call she was born and TPRd so we hopped on the plane. Even bio Mommies can sometimes have bonding issue from what I have heard.