[Sophie7]

It looks promising that we may be matched soon. If the birthmom wants to meet with us, what kind of questions should we ask/not ask? Sorry, I just am not sure what to say/not say. Should I ask about the baby? I just don't know! HELP!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Be yourself. Talk to the expectant Mother like you would talk to anyone else when you are in those beginning stages of forming a friendship/relationship as that is what your meeting will be.

Best of luck!

[2manyks]

i just went through this and i also posted about a month ago this same question. now that it is past, i feel fine. talking with a PBM gives nerves a shake when you think about it. i first confessed my feelings of nervousness to her and she said she was fine. this was a second placement for her and all i had to do was ask a few questions about her and she had no problem talking about herself. i kept notes, cause if everything works out i will have little tidbits of info to share w/ my child. i did ask a few questions about her pregnancy, but kept that to a minimum, unless she brought it up. i didnt want her to think the baby was the only interest i had in her. we have been matched for a month.

Good luck, everything will be fine!

[loveajax]

First of all, I hope that all goes well with your meeting!

There is no reason not to tell her that you are nervous...I bet she is too! I think it is important to be yourself. It is a "weird" situation obviously but I bet you will be surprised at how much you guys may have in common. Follow her lead. Our social worker said that it was important for us to ask how she was feeling, etc. (I know that sounds obvious, but apparently some potential aparents only want to know "medical history," talk about the baby, etc.). Remember that until the papers are signed that she will be the mother to the baby -- on the other hand, I remember that our DD's birth mom right from the getgo wanted us to embrace the idea that we were going to be the baby's parents....so you can follow her lead. Honestly, I can't stress enough how important it is to be yourself...! Also, enjoy getting to know her too. I look back very fondly on all the meetings we had with DD's birth family before the birth....They are a real treasure to me (and hopefully will be to DD someday as she gets older too!)....

GOOD LUCK!! I know it is so nervewracking!!

[StorkWatcher]

Some things we would have liked to ask our son's birthmom, just to get to know her a little bit:

What are her favorites? (Books, color, animals, childhood memories)

We had to put together a profile book that our agency showed to expectant moms. If she could put one together for prospective adoptive parents, what would she want to show in it?

How does she see the relationship with her child/adoptive family (if open or semi-open) working after placement? What type of contact does she think she'll want and how often?

Why did she choose you? ( I really would like to be able to tell my son why his mother chose us to be his parents).

Does she have any other kids? What is her family like (siblings, parents)...

How is she feeling?

What questions does she have for you?

[jjlutefisk]

I like all the responses here. I would suggest writing down all of your impressions right after your meeting so that you will have all of that written down to share with your child later. Write down the things she tells you about herself so you can remember. After your meeting, things will be such a blur that you'll definitely want to remember later.

[Sophie7]

Thanks for all of the information, and please keep it coming. I was just afraid of making her feel like she was just the place for our baby to grow. I knew it wasn't a good idea to ask if she's been drinking/taking drugs (why would anyone ask anyway?), and I really don't need to get the medical history (our agency will do that). I want to sound (IF this happens) interested in the baby and her pregnancy and how she feels, but I don't want to pry. I want her to feel like we could be friends, but I don't want to come across as pushy. It's hard.

[Vogi2002]

I hope this helps...sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I had to find my "list"!

Here are some "tips" my agency gives us to talk to a pbm:

1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH!
2. Begin the conversations as you would any other - "How are you?" etc.
3. Remember - everyone is equally nervous!
4. Once the small talk is well under way, you may ask some questions:
"What made you interested in calling/meeting us?"
"How old are you?"
"When is your due date?"
"How long have you been considering adoption?"
"What are your reasons for considering adoption?"
"How does the father of the baby feel about this?"
"Are you recieving pre-natal care?"
"What are you looking for in an adoptive family?"
"Is there any medical information we should know about you or your family?" personally would not ask this one, but it's up to you..
5. Ask what she would like to know about you. If she can't think of any questions, just tell her general information about yourselves, giving more details to what is in your profile.
6. If one spouse is not at home, ask if you can call her back or if she will call again so that both of you can talk to her.
7. If she indicates that you are the only couple she is considering, and if there seem to be good vibes, arrange for another contact - another phone call or informal meeting - before you get off the phone. If she tells you that she plans to talk to other couples, be supportive of her need to do this. Her counselor will then be your contact. Likewise, if you feel this is not the birthmother for you, please let her counselor know immediately.
8. Close the conversations with normal pleasentries, wishing her good luck as she makes a difficult decision. Ler her know you will pray for her.

Now, this is a page we recieved from our agencies that we were directed to keep handy at all times, just in case. I printed out a couple copies and since my cell is our home number keep one in my purse, at home, & at work. I tend to lose all train of thought when I'm nervous. They also told us to not be afraid to ask questions, that it shows interest. Expectant parents are looking for parents to thier child, not a best friend, so don't try to keep the whole conversation small talk, also let them know about YOU. They may be too nervous to think of questions, so put yourself in thier position and think of what YOU would want to know. At the same time, let the conversation go naturally, don't divulge too much at this time, unless they ask you, because you don't want to overwhelm them. Take cues from them, and most of all (VERY IMPORTANT) be YOURSELF!! Don't be overly giddy, serious, or what not if you aren't that way naturally, don't be afriad to show them who YOU are!!

I hope that will help somewhat...I would take the write down some of these in easy to read format, and print them and keep it with you when talking to them. That way if the conversation dulls out, you can just look at the paper for ideas.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!!

Natalie