[Forever_family]

I don't know if this is the right place but if anyone would understand my feelings/emotions it would be those who are on this adoption journey.

In the past 2 weeks we have said "no" to 3 foster/adopt situations for what we feel are valid/important to our family reasons but it still leaves me feeling ugly to say "no" to a baby.

We are in the process of starting all over again with a private agency. we have to redue EVERYTHING and that is frustrating. I'm feeling naked and exposed...I don't like feeling judged. I got a call from my friend and the questions they asked our references are different then foster/adopt I feel the questions are extremely invasive and as if they are looking for the negative in our marriage and parenting skills. I'm sure we will get good references but it feels so discouraging to know that we have to go through all of this and more all over again.

We recently said "goodbye" to our foster/adopt baby of 8 months as he was successfuly reunited with his loving mother...still very hard and still very raw.

In saying "no" we feel we are making the right decisions for our family and our needs, however, I'm having a difficult time. I called my mom after telling the SW "No" about a newborn baby girl. After telling her the details of why we said "no" she acted like it was a no brainer and of course we should have never considered it. she has no idea how close we were to taking that little angel home...it offended me and it just hurt. I don't care what a child has to overcome each individual has something to offer the world regardless of limitations. The only reason we have said "no" is hard to define. Its a feeling that these are not the babies meant to be in our family more then it is we are scared of the possibility of emotional/mental health. I'm going on pure instinct and so is my DH. We also do not want a TPR situation we would rather experience an open adoption. This is purely selfish, we feel it will be better and easier for the baby/child/teenager/adult to know they are loved by all involved, thaty they were not ripped from someone who desperatly wanted them but was incapable of parnting them, we hope this will make for a more adjusted individual and our jobs as parents will be easier...okay that may be naive.

The SW's don't make you feel any better. When I explained why (birth mother had both mental illness and mentally handicapped, nothing is diagnosed, mom is the product of severe abuse from home and abuse in the foster care system...besides what kind of "father" gets a mentally handicapped girl pregnant?) There are many reasons we said "no" but the SW simply said "what if your birth children had those same genetic issues?" What if they did....finally i had to tell the SW I guess we are just shallow people...it was getting irritating at this point. So here I am with empty arms and just starting the approval process with our agency. I'm getting fatter by the minute with all my emotional eating...I think this process is driving me crazy! Any suggestions/advice? I know it will be worth it but right now I feel emotionally spent.

L

[mumofone]

The process is sooooo difficult. Only you know what is best for your family.

We have said "no" to a few situations ourselves.

Hugs.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Forever_family

I don't know if this is the right place but if anyone would understand my feelings/emotions it would be those who are on this adoption journey.

In the past 2 weeks we have said "no" to 3 foster/adopt situations for what we feel are valid/important to our family reasons but it still leaves me feeling ugly to say "no" to a baby.

We are in the process of starting all over again with a private agency. we have to redue EVERYTHING and that is frustrating. I'm feeling naked and exposed...I don't like feeling judged. I got a call from my friend and the questions they asked our references are different then foster/adopt I feel the questions are extremely invasive and as if they are looking for the negative in our marriage and parenting skills. I'm sure we will get good references but it feels so discouraging to know that we have to go through all of this and more all over again.

We recently said "goodbye" to our foster/adopt baby of 8 months as he was successfuly reunited with his loving mother...still very hard and still very raw.

In saying "no" we feel we are making the right decisions for our family and our needs, however, I'm having a difficult time. I called my mom after telling the SW "No" about a newborn baby girl. After telling her the details of why we said "no" she acted like it was a no brainer and of course we should have never considered it. she has no idea how close we were to taking that little angel home...it offended me and it just hurt. I don't care what a child has to overcome each individual has something to offer the world regardless of limitations. The only reason we have said "no" is hard to define. Its a feeling that these are not the babies meant to be in our family more then it is we are scared of the possibility of emotional/mental health. I'm going on pure instinct and so is my DH. We also do not want a TPR situation we would rather experience an open adoption. This is purely selfish, we feel it will be better and easier for the baby/child/teenager/adult to know they are loved by all involved, thaty they were not ripped from someone who desperatly wanted them but was incapable of parnting them, we hope this will make for a more adjusted individual and our jobs as parents will be easier...okay that may be naive.

The SW's don't make you feel any better. When I explained why (birth mother had both mental illness and mentally handicapped, nothing is diagnosed, mom is the product of severe abuse from home and abuse in the foster care system...besides what kind of "father" gets a mentally handicapped girl pregnant?) There are many reasons we said "no" but the SW simply said "what if your birth children had those same genetic issues?" What if they did....finally i had to tell the SW I guess we are just shallow people...it was getting irritating at this point. So here I am with empty arms and just starting the approval process with our agency. I'm getting fatter by the minute with all my emotional eating...I think this process is driving me crazy! Any suggestions/advice? I know it will be worth it but right now I feel emotionally spent.

L

L ~ First ((((Hugs)))... I cannot imagine how hard it was to say goodbye to your little guy.

We experienced sevl situations in our wait for our second placement to which we said no. We were with a private agency but also foster-to-adopt approved and willing to consider some more difficult situations than most. And yes, it is so very hard to say no to a child. Very hard... each and every time I was very sad but I also knew that we had to do what was best for our family and for the child. If you are not ready to have a child with those special needs or potential needs then you need to say no.

The SW is not the one considering how to parent this child but it is their job to help you see every aspect of the situation. You should not let any SW guilt you into a placement. It is their job to find the right family so they ask ones that might work. You have control over whether or not you consider the placement. And you are not shallow because you made the decision you did. Don't concede that for sure. You are making a parenting decision, your first one. Own it. She can say what she wants, and yes, you may have had a bio child with mental illness, etc and I am sure you would have dealt with it if it happened. But you would not have chosen it for your family. And that is what you would be doing in this situation. I feel like you have to be specifically called to parent a child with so many special needs (or potential needs). Really... would the child be better off because someone convinced you it was the right decision? The only way to own it is to say "I made this decision" now I am the parent. It is my responsibility to care for this child. Having another put it on you well, it just doesn't work. Frankly, your SW should be ashamed of her/himself. That is manipulation.

As for your Mom, again, she is interested in your well-being and doesn't want you to be in a hard place I suspect ( I only say that based on how my MOm has reacted... she is very protective), BUT may not understand the dynamics if what it is like to face these kind of situations. None of them are no-brainers. Each has to be considered carefully and a decision made. And she also may not completely understand all that you are capable of as a family. So only you know what will work in the end. I know with both my kids, we did not tell family about them as we were making the decision as our families have never had to face these kind of decisions. Ever. I want to involve them in my decisions but sometimes, they can't offer a perspective because they've never faced the same choices. Does that make sense?

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your family. You don't want to get yourself into a situation you can't handle but you also don't want to shy away from the possibility of parenting a child. Take each one on its own and own that decision. That's all I can say... that's at least what got us through and I can say that we are very blessed to be parenting to amazing kids. We know things might get harder but they are ours.

As for the process with the new agency, we went through a private agency approval and govt approval, both leaving us feeling exposed. Alot of the process is intrusive. We used it as an exercise to strengthen our relationship and came out of it feeling more bonded and ready for what is next. Be honest. Be yourself. Just as a sidenote... one of the reasons the first mother of our DD picked us was because we talked in our homestudy about some of the hard stuff in our lives. She found it refreshing in that we didn't try to come off as perfect.

Best of everything on this journey. It is hard and frustrating and alot of times, others don't understand. Find support. One day at a time. And I hope your family grows soon!

[Forever_family]

Thank you for the support. I talked to my mom for about 2 hours this morning and feel much better. As much as she wants to understand she can't know what this is like and how emotional it is for me to say "no" even when I know we made the correct decision.

Nobody should take a baby because they feel guilty, you should be ecstatic and overjoyed.

I also wanted to clarify my post about not wanting a TPR situation because we don't want a baby that has been taken from a mom who wants to parent but can't... I got a little worried after re-reading my original post and wanted all of those out there who are foster/adopt parents this is my selfish reasin and nothing more. What you do is amazing, so amazign and hard that I dont' know if I'm strong enough to put my heart out there again. We are still somewhat open to legal risk, at least talking about certain situations. My dream would be to have an open relationship with the birth family and our adopted child with the child knowing the parent made the decision out of love...if that makes sense. that is my "idea" adoptive situation but honestly I"m not banking on it.

Again thanks for the kind words. I needed that today.

L

[BethAF]

As a former social worker for DSS, a former foster and someone who is now waiting for a private agency, newborn adoption take it from me... you made the right decision. I am appalled at the SW trying to make you feel guilty. Social workers are taught to be open minded and non-judgemental. She's obviously no being. Only you know what is right for your family. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. I have to go. PM me if you'd like to discuss more.

Good luck!

Beth

[Forever_family]

Beth,

Thank you. And for everyone else sorry for all the mistakes and muddeled words. I did not get any sleep last night on a good day I have many typoes but on a no sleep day well I'm hopeless.

L

[pechocha]

If you are so sure in your decision of adopting privately, why don't just close your case with the state. I will think that will take a lot of heartache and pressure out of your life and just concentrate in the private adoption. Just my .02 cents.

[mom2justynsarah]

It comes down to one thing, and one thing only. You do what's best for you and your husband (nobody else). There is no reason to feel guilty or bad, ugly etc. You have every right to make the best decisions for your life. Don't let anyone sway you into thinking otherwise. Keep up the faith!

Julie

[Linny]

First, let me agree with Beth. In our experiences, there have been very few 'good' caseworkers who genuinely felt the need to have the 'right child with the right family'. In some cases, we had cw'ers who tried to guilt us out of removal of a child. She told me, "I know YOU.....I know that you will not be able to live with yourself if you let this child go!"

Two years later, the child went into residential after he tried to hurt/kill other children---again! (sigh)

You mention the need for open adoptions. There are good and bad open adoptions, as there are good and bad 'closed' adoptions. I would ask you to re-consider your thinking on this---IF it is solely the reason you wouldn't choose a particular situation.
For us, the saying of 'no'....to any situations (and we have said 'no')....were for several reasons, and never just for one. And you know what, that's good---for whatever your reasons are (even if the open-ness is that big of a deal for you). Because, as the other posters have said, 'It IS your family.....it will be YOU who will have to deal with any problems this child has!"
Believe me, the CPS and others won't be raising this child or staying up late at night trying to deal with him/her when the going gets rough! No, they'll be saying to you, "Well.....YOU took him/her!!!!!"
---Few of them ever have a clue with this kind of stuff.
---Do what your gut tells you to do, and settle for nothing less. This is your life. This is your child's life. Both of you deserve the best of each other.

Keep your chin up, regarding the re-do of endless paperwork and such. I KNOW this is SUCH a hassle. We have gone through this more than I could count---homestudies, fingerprints, references, invasive questions. We even had one agency that had us take a test (after something like 18yrs of marriage) that actually asked, "How many times per month do you have sex?" And, "Is this sex satisfying for you?"

(sigh...........)
Let's just say that people who have never adopted, have NO clue---I don't care what their title is. And the bottom line is: "Go with your heart. Accept the babies/children you feel led to. Realize that the ones you turn down, were probably meant to be someone else's child/baby. And.......nothing worth having is seldom easily had. (someone else said that, not me).......it's the truth when you're going through this mire of adoption.

Hang in there.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[joskids]

Bottom line, that cw is not raising the child. You and your family are. Try to feel no guilt and, although you may think it's easy for me to say, try to get some sleep through all of this, please do. You will need yourself saved for when the right placement does come to you. We have taken some situations others may not have because they "felt right" and, by the way, HAVE been right for us as a family. I can't explain it. You know when it's right. Try to find peace in your decisions. Trust yourself. Agencies do lots of things for lots of reasons. Families need to be able to survive in the long run. It sounds like you really are quite open-minded, just waiting for the situation that sounds right for you. Sending a hug.

Josie

[Forever_family]

Thank you Linny and Josie! Great advice.

We would rather have a healthy open adoption but are very much open to other situations because the long and short of it is we feel there is a baby meant for our family and however he/she comes to us we will be thrilled. I really feel it is in the best interest of everyone involved if there is a healthy open adoption-key word being healthy. We are open to many potential special needs in children but some things we are not open to. Legal risk also scares us and all foster/adopt babies will be placed with us as foster parents not adoptive parents. We aren't approved through the private agency right now. We are still paperchasing and filling out endless forms. I have anxiety already about not being approved from our agency, my dh says that my fear is irrational but hey there is always a chance it could happen. So I"m not ready to close the foster/adopt door. Besides this leaves us open for other situations through our adoption agency should we be approved.

I've said "no" 3 times in the past 2 weeks. It is emotionally draining, honestly, all I want to do is say "when can I pick up my baby!" and make a mad dash for the hospital but there is a feeling that these babies were not right for our family, so hard to explain. I will be getting more calls I will have to say "no" to. Dh and I made a list of what we would/would not accept and plan on giving it to the SW who places-when she calls we will simply say we have already decided we are not 100% comfortable with this adoption situation. We've already filled out something similar but I don't even know if they have looked at it.


Thanks again for your advice and support, it was just what I needed.

L

[jjlutefisk]

I think that making your list and giving it to the social worker is a good idea. An agency we worked with had a very specific list of situations and prenatal exposure drugs that we filled out. If there was anything that was outside of our range, they would call us. We have said no to a couple of situations. It was so hard. One was a situation where there was some legal risk down the road. We had to say no. We had decided long ago that we did not want to have any legal risk in our adoption. We felt that our decision should not change just because we had a name or a face to the situation. You have to take the emotions out of the decision. It's not fair to have guilt involved.