[Ky1982]

This is my frist posting/thread/typeing/i dont know what to call it. I hope I do this right if not i am sorry

What made you chose open adoption vs closed adoption? What is more for you, the baby or the birthmother?


Thanks K

[Vogi2002]

Ky- Hello!

I think you are asking what is more important, the baby or birthmother right?

I will tell you that we didn't really want open adoption at first. Our agency ONLY does open adoption and we LOVED them so we decided we would listen to what they had to say. Well, they convinced us! We were required to research and that was WONDERFUL.

I can say the most important aspect for us that really made us choose open adoption is the child and how much better, IMO and I personally believe, it is for them. I just see the bond that a child has with thier bmom and I can't imagine NOT wanting to keep that and let them know who they are growing up.

I guess for me, I knew it was right for us when I just KNEW I couldn't imagine it any other way. There are a LOT of different types of adoption that work for different families, but for our family it just felt right. I hope this helps a little!

Natalie

P.s. you did everything great, don't worry!

[mom2GRLC]

At first in our case it was strictly for the birthmother and her family. Then I started to see how it could be helpful for my daughter growing up (through written contact). To be honest we thought we were moving shortly after the adoption (which the birthfamily knew about) I never really considered having long term direct contact with visits and everything and they knew this. But as our plans have (been put on hold) and we've continued to have visits we have come to enjoy our visits (although it is still really difficult at times) and our focus has changed from focusing on what her birthfamily needs/wants to what our child and our family needs and is ready for.

I do have a deeper appreciation now for the relationship my daughter shares with her birthfamily...because all of my children have a different range of closed-open and my daughter has the most open relationship. Which I think is a true blessign to ALL of us.

Even when we do move out of state...we have built a nice relationship with them that we would consider having them come visit us sometime in the future if they wanted to.

[Leigh131313]

My attitude about open adoption has morphed since we started the process.

Initially, I did not under any circumstance want an open adoption. I didn't want anything to do with a birthfamily. Where I live if you want a closed adoption you only have two options, international or older child adoption. Most/all private adoptions (which is where the majority of newborns placed for adoption come from) are at the very least semi-open (usually you meet, info is exchanged, letters/pic updates) to open (visits yada yada). So we were going to do international.

After talking to others in open adoptions, as well as meeting an entire triad that had an open adoption...our attitudes changed.

I do have to say tho, any reason we wanted an open adoption in the beginning was more about allowing the birthfamily access rather than any benefit it held for us.

[Ky1982]

I was so proud of myself for getting that right, and hit quick reply to say something (by now i have forgot) but I keep waiting and waiting for it to bring a box up like it does in the message thingy and it never came i refreshed the page and keep waiting, and now i feel sooooooooo stupid becouse it was at the end of the page the whole time. LOL

Oh remember now!!! Thanks for yalls input, and being that truthfull

K

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Ky1982

This is my frist posting/thread/typeing/i dont know what to call it. I hope I do this right if not i am sorry

What made you chose open adoption vs closed adoption? What is more for you, the baby or the birthmother?


Thanks K

We were quite skeptical about open adoption when we started the process. In our area, open adoption is the only adoption unless it is international or the situation is such where they child would be in danger. So we had to start thinking about it.

We talked to several agencies AND then, talked to several families who were parenting in an open adoption. We began to read stories that showed how everyone CAN benefit from an open relationship. We began to hope for and wish for the possibility of having a relationship with our child's first family, because we thought it would, in the end, help our child understand their placement better.

And then, we met our DD's first mother. Through the experience surrounding Bug's birth and placement, we bonded to this woman and her family and we knew we always wanted to know her and for her to be a part of our lives. It hasn't been easy as she hasn't been able and willing to communicate as much as we would like (and that's a switch as it ended up being we wanted openness more than she did.) but we still work hard to keep up our end of our commitment, for her, her other children and for our DD as well.

We are also working to communicate with DS's first mother. It is a fairly new relationship and she has alot on her plate. Again, it's hard work, but we are committed to it. We do it for her, our son's bio sibling and for our son.

SO I guess to answer your question, choosing open adoption was for all of us. We can see benefits, when it works out, for all sides. Sadly, right now, we are not reaping those benefits as the first families are not fully communicating but we are hopeful that, in the future, there will be a good relationship.

[loveajax]

Ky, the agency we worked with pretty much said that we "had" to sign their OA agreement which pretty much provided for letters and updates. Dh and I were OK with that (but did not want to have visits - - DH is an adult adoptee from a closed situation and thinks that's "best"). Anyway, when we met DD's birth family, they were just really wonderful, nice people and after the baby was born, it seemed "weird" to not have contact with them.....Birth mom asked for a visit per year around the time of DD's birth....DH and I were still a little "freaked out" about it (we had DD home with us at the time), but agreed.

In any event, we send lots of updates, have occasional phone calls and had a nice visit in May....I find that it is really helpful to know I can pick up the phone and call DD's birth mom and she me....It definitely has its challenges (i.e., at times, you may want MORE contact than the birth family, at times they may want MORE contact than you do, etc...), but if you approach it with great respect, I think it can really work out well for your child, for your family and for the birth family. Good luck!

[lisa in venice]

Originally Posted by Ky1982

What made you chose open adoption vs closed adoption?


Thanks K

The sadness of my kids who had been placed in closed adoptions and the lack of information. I vowed that if I ever adopted again I would try to be as open as possible and accept nothing less then semi-open.

lisa

[BestLight]

When Hubby and I embarked on adoption a few years ago, everything we "knew" about adoption was from decades past:

1. You waited on a long list until the agency matched you with a situation. The main criteria for the match was your place in line.

2. You tried to make the building of your family as close to "normal" (read: biological) as possible. You didn't talk much about the adoption (either inside or outside of the family), and you certainly didn't have any contact with birthparents. The goal was to make it seamless, almost as if adoption were never part of the story.

3. You didn't talk much about adoption. It wasn't exactly shame, but there was an air of secrecy for for my friends who had been adopted. When we did speak of adoption, it was in hushed voices. My friends didn't know much about their birthfamilies, their birth story, or their origins. And it would hurt their parents too much to wonder too much. So they tried not to.


Our agency had to teach us about this newfangled thing called Open Adoption. We replaced the above myths with:

New & Improved 1: Adoption wasn't about waiting passively in line -- it's about who we are. Someone would make a conscious decision about us parenting her baby. The criteria were now our values, our bundle of experiences, and our vision for the future -- US!

New & Improved 2: Why try to deny that our family was built by adoption? Why try to hide the fact that our children each have a set of firstparents? Is my ego so fragile that acknowledging the firstmothers of my children takes anything away from me? Loving and respecting our children's firstparents is just another way of loving and respecting our children.

New & Improved 3: It's possible that I am too OUT about our adoptions. I am so happy about the way we became a family that I share a lot, in an effort to combat some of the myths leftover from bygone eras.

Reason 4: My children have access to their medical histories and a clan who looks like them and loves them (but are in no way coparents).

Reason 5: My children will not have to go through the potential minefields of search and reunion just to get answers to their wonderings.

I know openness is not for everyone in every circumstance. But in our situation, open adoption is working well for our children, their birthmothers, and for us.

[redbonec]

We were open to either, especially after we learned more. My nephew has a closed adoption, my niece has an open adoption.
Ours just happened to be open adoption. We met our daughter's birthmother before she was born. She wanted a semi-open for our daughter's sake. She wants our daughter to be able to get answers to her questions later. Her birthmother left more openness up to us. It turns out that we really enjoy being in contact with her. We usually talk on the phone about once a week, send emails with pictures, and we have already met once. I think we would like to visit more, but we live a few hours away.
Like another person said, not every adoption would be best to be open I don't think, but I believe many are. Adoptive parents, children, and birthparents can all benefit from the relationship.
I think that no matter if your adoption is closed, open, domestic, or international, the fact will always be true that a child who is adopted DOES have a birth family. There is no denying it, and we found that in our situation it has been a good one for us.
As I stated in the begninning, I was open to either closed or open. For our next adoption, I would probably prefer at least semi-open. I don't know if it would cause problems for one child to be open, and one closed. But I suppose that also depends on each child.
Well, that was just a string of thoughts--hope some of it made sense!