[rev_tom]

Well everyone it has been a year and a half since we adopted our 10 yr old daughter.
I am here to tell you i am beating my head against a wall trying to figure this one out. I need some help.
First let me say that this has nothing to do with our adopted daughters issues, it is all on my wife. I know I know everyone is going to tell me that I just do not see what my daughter is doing, but I do .. She tries very hard to please my wife, doing everything she can to get her to love her like a mother. But my wife just doesnt want to or cannot bring herself to see this.
All I can see her seeing is her rival for my attention. I have taken her for long weekends just me and her, I have sent her home flowers, I have bent over backwards to try and get her to realize that I love her more than anything.
But it isn't enough, she is happy until I start spending anytime with my daughter, then she gets upset. She reminds me of a jealous wife afraid of another woman, only this other woman is 10 years old.
I tried for a while to stop spending time with my daughter , but after a week of trying to not show her a lot of attention I could see the hurt in her eyes and I dont ever want to see that again.
I know there are no easy answers here but has anyone else ever been through this? If so please let me know what you did, I am at my witts end .
Thanks all for letting me vent

[bajj]

It sounds to me like your wife may be having some post adoption depression. Also, is there any trauma in her past that would make her afraid for men to be around her daughter? I'm not a psychologist or anything, I'm just trying to think of things that might help.

[kelceesmom]

Was she completely on board with the adoption to begin with? She could be having some depression issues. Could you calmly suggest maybe some therapy for all of you? Seems like you need to try something else or things will be escalating. Good luck.

[mumofone]

Although I have never heard of this in an adoption situation, I have heard of this before.

A co-worker of mine and her husband have two children. Their first child was a son, and I remember when she was pregnant with the second child we were having a conversation at work about what they hoped for their second child. I guess, I just assumed that if given the choice, most would want a son and a daughter, but she didn't. She wanted another son because she wanted to be the only "girl" in her husband's life. Honestly, I found that odd that she would say that. I never heard of a mom/wife being jealous of her own child/husband's relationship, but I guess it does happen.

I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted to add that there are situations like yours.

Good luck.

[tyiakoum]

I just saw this type of situation on Dr. Phil. The mom was really jealous of the older, adopted daughter who'd been adopted from Russia. However, the dad was also fostering that jealousy because he was very touchy feely w/the girl and they kept secrets, even a secret cell phone number and the dad and daughter IM's each other behind the mom's back as well as text messaging stuff behind the mom's back.

At some point, Dr. Phil did acknowledge to the dad he felt that what the dad was doing was inappropriate. The dad, after viewing what he was doing, agreed.

You might not be doing something like that, however, perhaps you should examine whether you exclude your wife or hide your interaction w/your daughter -- which would explain her jealousy.

To me, family counseling needs to happen, soon. Your daughter is the innocent one and really is suffering over this, I am sure.

Can you find a counselor? Even if it is a pastor?

Good luck to you,

[donnaparadise]

You might think I have no business replying here on this thread because I am not adopted, nor do I have aparents. I am a bmother who relinquished almost 40 years ago and am in contact with no possibility of reunion, it seems.

However, I am a daughter of a woman who was jealous of my relationship with my father from birth, I think. I am the first born and my mother gave birth to my brother a year and a half later. She has always favoured him and still does to this day, almost 60 years later.

I always had a wonderful, loving, accepting relationship with my dad but it has been stymied to the point that we can barely speak on the phone for more than a couple of minutes when dad feels the need to 'put your mother on'.

I will tell you that as the daughter of a woman who was always jealous of the relationship my dad and I had with one another, my life was hell when living at home and not a walk in the park when I left almost 40 years ago.

Dad and I cannot spend any time alone together. If we do, she sulks and gets angry and he pays for it later.

I grew up feeling ashamed of who I was because nothing I ever was able to do would, it seemed, make her love me and I couldn't understand why - never.

I am 60 now and my parents are in their 80's. I get to see my dad once or twice a year and we both walk on eggshells because we have learned to hide our affection for one another and tiptoe around my mother's sensitivities and feeling left out.

I wish I knew then what I knew now. I'm sure my dad does too. I never realized how bad it could get and how much I would miss my dad every single day. How much I missed the love of the man I adore still and how much not having him cause me to look for love in all the wrong places for years and years and years.

It has had a devastating effect on the family dynamic to the point that my brother and I rarely communicate as the lines were drawn so firmly so many years ago. My mother and I communicate but are not very loving towards one another and many things have been said over the years that are hard to take back and have caused terrible rifts.

I have long ago stopped blaming my mother for who she is and I have forgiven her because she has had her own hurts and insecurities and is after all, human.
However, I would urge you to get some kind of family counselling. Better yet, urge your wife to try to get some private counselling to dal with her sense of insecurity and the reasons she is not able to give herself to this child.

Finally, I would urge you to get counselling yourself and to have an observer analyze the family dynamic to be sure that you are not creating this situation by your own behaviour and if you are not, then you must find a way to not give into this petulant behaviour on the part of your wife or your daughter's life will be a living hell and will surely cause serious problems in her future.

When one is 10, one has no idea what they have done to incur such a reaction in someone they supposedly love. They think somehow they are the ones that are flawed. Thus is the beginning of the growth of 'shame', from which it is extremely difficult to resolve and erase.

Please, help your daughter as soon as possible. This cannot go on. She has had enough go on in her life up to now to ensure that she might have difficulties. To live in a divided home, where the woman she needs to be able to take guidance from, from whom she should be able to expect love from, ignores her or is angry at her for no known reason, other than she exists in the home, is one of the saddest situations I can envision.

Hopefully, I am not considered an interloper here but your story has really struck home with me and makes me want to cry for your little girl.

DonnaParadise

[akcskye]

I do at times (very few) get "jealous" (if you can call it that) when my daughter occupies my husband's time...I'll admit that.

But, it's not depression...I guess a lot of it is still being super protective because of their past abuse history.

And, it's not really occupying his time I cringe...it's when, and I am putting boundaries on it, she tries to get in between us when we're walking in the store, etc, and hold his hand.

I'm not sure it's really jealousy on me as much as uneasiness (perhaps I'm picking up a jealous vibe from her)...I don't ever want her to do something that could jeapordize the family relationship.

I wish I could share a tidbit of her past history to explain where my feelings are coming from, but the kids aren't finalized in our home yet, so I don't want to rock that boat, either.

In my situation, it almost feels like SHE wants to be the only girl in hubby's life...and she's never had a stable fatherly role. She also is 10.

However, when I was 10, I never held my daddy's hand or hugged him incessantly in the store, or wanted to sit on his lap while watching TV...and last night, she jumped up in his arms face forward, and I got that stopped right away...I just didn't feel it appropriate for "privates" to be "close" you know?

Hubby feels some of the contact is inappropriate, but we're new parents and he is dumbfounded on what to say sometimes.

So, you're not the only one out there, but for us, it's vibes, not depression.

[savannah2]

It might have something to do with her {your wife} getting all your attention before, when it was just the two of you and now your spending time and attention on another and even tho shes only 10 , she may be feeling she is stealing her time and affection. I bet it would be different if she was under 5 or 6 and you both had to take care of her as a small child.Counseling to figure out those dynamics would help alot. Getting upset with your wife wont because she will feel this little girl is definetley coming between you and resent that you seem to be taking her {10yr olds} side. maybe if you both could spend time together with her instead of you alone for a while it might help. Just put her in the place as a child and dont allow her to interrupt conversations when your talking to your wife etc. ask your wife what other things you could do to help her feel better about the situation.

[DianeS]

You're right, rev_tom, I'm absolutely going to say this is your daughter's attachment issues showing up again (or perhaps, showing up STILL, since I don't know if they eased any since you last posts here in mid 2005).

Is your daughter still in attachment therapy with a well-trained attachment therapist? What does that therapist say about what's going on between the THREE of you?

[savannah2]

oh wow,didnt know there was past history of attachment issues! Diane , I think you are on the money. He may be being triangulated and doesnt even know it.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by savannah2

oh wow,didnt know there was past history of attachment issues! Diane , I think you are on the money. He may be being triangulated and doesnt even know it.

What is traingulated?

[Linny]

I'm with Diane on this one, and I hadn't read any posts (that I remember) from 2005. We have had three older children in our home with attachment issues; and the first thing I thought of while reading the OP post, was 'Wonder if this 10yr old is playing the triangulation game?!?!?!?"

I see this may be the reason, and urge the Rev to go into counseling with everyone present. It is VERY easy for the husband to see this as 'jealousy' on the part of the mother.....while the child
"tries very hard to please my wife, doing everything she can to get her to love her like a mother"

This is SO classic for attachment triangulation!!!!! And, of course, the child presents herself this way ONLY while the father is around. However, remove the father, and the child can act like a crazed animal. And, if you are familiar with attachment issues (particularly RAD) 10yrs old is the 'magic number' for a lot of children. This seems to be the age when their attachment issues FLARE to full degree.

Go to counseling, Rev Tom. Don't be too quick to blame your wife for this.

On the other side, I can fully relate to what DonnaParadise is writing about. I know someone who experienced much of the same thing with her own mother; but if this child has ANY attachment issues, my money's on the triangulation game.

Sincerely,

Linny

[savannah2]

bajj, hopefully linny answered your question.