[court5505]

We have an open adoption and we talk to our daughter about her birthparents and look at pictures of them. Obviously at this age, she has no idea what we are talking about. I was wondering at what age do they start to understand?

[pwheatle]

My experience is is that even though kids have all the adoption language and can verbalize it, it is between about six and eight that they get that they had to lose something first to be where they are.
Tricia

[NJNative]

I honestly think that my son "got it" when he was only 3. That fall, my best friend, my sister-in-law and my next door neighbor all gave birth within weeks of each other. He finally got that he didn't grow in my tummy like these babies didin their mom's tummies and that he grew in another woman's tummy. By the time he was 5, he pretty much had the story straight -- especially after a family friend adopted a baby from China. And I know by the time he was 7, he really grasped the finer details -- he asked me many, many questions around that time about the circumstances of his birth, adoption, etc.

Robin

[loveajax]

There is a good book called, "Talking to Young Children About Adoption." I started reading it in a panic while DD's birth mom was pg (I didn't realize I had at least a couple of years before she could grasp anything!). It is a really cool book that talks about how/why/when different children start to "grasp" adoption-related issues.....I would really recommend it.

Besides showing DD pictures from her birth book, I also try to read her adoption books like, "A Mom For Choco" and "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born." I think then when she is older and we start to have more meaningful talks about adoption, these "familiar" books may help.

[joskids]

I think that each child is different in their understanding of adoption. Some are more sensitive and inquisitive, some less so. Our 9 year old son has many questions and feelings about his birthmother (he doesn't even have a photo) and our 8 year old daughter has a more open relationship with her birthmother, speaking to her on the phone. She considers her birthmother a "friend" and seems very relaxed about it (so far). One think I did when our son was very young was, even as an infant, driving in the car, saying to him "mommy and daddy are so glad we adopted you . . . so lucky to have you in our lives." I thought that it would make him very comfortable with the "adoption" word. We are very open with all of our children. There are also post-adoption groups out there that counsel children when they get to the age of being more curious and having more questions. They would likely meet with a birthmother who placed and be able to ask questions of her and relate to other children with the same questions.

Josie

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters are five years old and really don't "get it" quite yet. We talk about adoption openly and regularly, the girls ask questions when they want to, and they know they "grew in C's tummy, not Mommy's." But that's the extent of their understanding at this point. I expect they'll have more of an understanding in the next 2-3 years.

[Sniffles]

My parents always always told my about my adoption, but I have one memory that sticks out in my mind. I was either in 1st or 2nd grade and we were discussing about the birth of Jesus in Sunday school. I remember going to my mom after class and asking her what it felt like to have me in her tummy. That is when she fully explained to me about adoption and I think that is when I fully understood everything.

[DebCsMom]

We have 5 children, 2 bio & 3 adopted. They are 18, 16, 6, 4 & 3. All 3 of our adoptions are extremely open. Our children know that they grew in their Birth Moms tummys & even know who grew in whose tummy! LOL They know that our bio children grew in my tummy. They know their birth siblings. We have always talked about their adoption as we talk about anything. Very openly. Our 6 year old understands the circumstances of her adoption. I haven't yet to explain why she has 2 YOUNGER sibs though!

We explain it to them in a way they can understand for their age. As the questions come up, we answer them honestly. We talk about their birth families like we talk about the rest of the family, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc.

We feel the earlier the better!

GOOD LUCK!

Deb

[mom2samuel]

We started explaining to our son somewhere around 2 or 3 how he was born to his birth mommy in Guatemala, then lived with his foster mommy until we picked him up. After so long, we asked if he wanted to see her picture, and shared the two pix we have of her. He is 5 now, and seems comfortable explaining where he came from. Does that mean he really understands? I think so; he now registers a sense of loss that he doesn't know her or can't see her. I feel comfortable with how we've done things.

I have a friend who is in her late 30's and was adopted. She said from her earliest memories, her parents told her a story about two loving parents picking a red headed baby girl out of a room full of other children because she was so beautiful and they knew she was theirs. Eventually, in her own way and time, she came to understand that they were talking about her. I thought that was kinda neat, considering how many years ago that was.

All children are different, so timing can be important, but everything we have read or heard does say that it is usually best to be open from a young age.

Goodluck,
Michelle

[lifegoestoofast]

Hi..I have just been invited to this forum. I have 5 children, 4 bio and the youngest is adopted. I am scared of how he will feel when we tell him. I had even considered not telling him. He is 4. He talks about coming from my tummy and I tell him he came from my heart. I don't think he quite understands, but I fear when he does he will not want to be with us. Our next youngest son is 21...so my 4 year old has nieces and nephews older than him...
Any guidance/wisdom/thought would be appreciated...

[sugarbabysmommy]

Lifegoestoofast...

Another poster, Loveajax, mentioned three books, I encourage you to get them as soon as possible and start reading. The sooner you read to your son and the tell him the story of how entered this world and how he joined your family the more normal it will become for him and for YOU. Talking about adoption is not a one time deal, like other posters have shared, it's an ever evolving process and the more you do it the better you get at it, the more comfortable you become and the more you normalize it for your son and for the rest of the family. Please, please do not hide something as essential as how your child came into this world and into your life from him. Waiting doesn't make sense, you'll only get more worried, more concerned someone esle will tell him. I know you are expressing your love for him by saying he came from your heart, but imagine the creative mind of a child and what they would do with this information. If he hears that other babies come from tummies, uteruses, bellies and he is told he comes from your heart... that's pretty wild if you think about it. He didn't materialize into thin air one day, he was born, he had life before he joined your family (even if it was just a few days) and it's ok, in fact it's wonderful to share that with him.

I'm an adoptive mom, my three year old has been told from the very beginning about being born to X and Y and that they chose us to be mom and dad. it will be awhile before our child understands and really gets adoption but the ground work is there. And yes, my child may be sad when my child realizes that to join our family our child had to lose a family. I can't wipe that pain away, make it all better by loving my child enough, all I can do is sit with my child in their sadness and be a source of unending, nonjudgemental support. If my child is sad, feels adoption grief, my child has a right to those feelings and it won't be about my lack of loving parenting. Remember that, I know you fear being rejected, but you are your child's greatest source of support and it's not about you, it's about their feelings as they relate to adoption.

I'm sorry to sound so forceful, this is a subject close to my heart. Tapestry Books online has some great books (it's an adoption book web site) and Pactadopt.org has wonderful articles on a variety of topics.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by court5505

We have an open adoption and we talk to our daughter about her birthparents and look at pictures of them. Obviously at this age, she has no idea what we are talking about. I was wondering at what age do they start to understand?

court5505,

This is such a good question. Thank you for the replies from all of you because this is quite helpful.

I am wondering if the bparents circumstances should affect the way and when of telling your child.

For example, a child born of rape or incest, or bparent who is in jail or otherwise?

Explaining adoption from a loving standpoint, early on, with statements like "I'm so glad we adopted you." is a great idea and something I have done with my son since birth. I want to tell him he was conceived out of love and the bparents wanted the best possible life for him - but what does one do when that was not the case?

My son is not yet old enough to grasp the concept of adoption - but I want to keep making positive statements and then be able to asnwer his questions as he grows, and not lie to him either. Any advice?

Thanks for this forum - what great insight!

[bromanchik]

A great book for guidance on talking about "the hard stuff" and even the normal adoption stuff, is "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child" by Jayne Schooler and Betsy Kiefer. It is excellent.

[mlb]

I agree with getting a book written by Jayne Schooler. I have seen her speak twice, and she is phenomenal.

[FAYE56]

I was adopted in a time when there wasn't open adoption yet I can remember at about 4 yrs old laying on the bed with my mom telling me how special I was because I was adopted, so it's never to early