[Leigh131313]

I had coffee - well, Tea actually- with my friend tonight. We got to the topic of where we are in the process to adopt our second. She is one of our references, so she is "in the loop" and knows we will be active pretty quickly.

She made a comment to me along the lines of "You must be getting excited" and all I could say back is, actually I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'm just not excited about the adoption process at all. I shudder just thinking about it. I'm not afraid of another child or meeting birthfamilies ....that's the fun stuff. But I really dread the process. I really don't want to go through the whole "being matched" thing again.....all the stress at the hospital....the 10 days where the birthfamily can change their minds...

I really feel like throwing up right now just thinking about it.


It doesnt help that alot of my friends have had a LOT of issues with their adoptions lately. Failed matches, contested adoptions - all within my little group of friends.

We had a horrible experience the first time....at least my expectations are low.

I just don't know how to be happy about this at all- and I SO want to be.

I wish I was the person i was the first time....hopeful and excited.

I'm hopeful to the extent that I know it will happen eventually......I just dread the path I'll have to walk to get there.


Has anyone else gone through this??

[loveajax]

Leigh,

I know exactly what you mean....I was so naive when we adopted DD....We had a really hard time with our agency (not her birth parents, thank god we established a good relationship with them). Without getting into details, it took almost a month after DD was home for the agency to get its act together so that we were sure that there was no "risk." I can't tell you how stressful that month was, having DD home but feeling the sword of damacles hanging over our head.

I think sometimes adoptive parents are viewed as the "winners"....and while I love DD to death and would not trade her for the world, I have sometimes felt a profound sense of loss on her behalf and on her birth mom's behalf...So the utter joy has been tempered somewhat at times, kwim?

I am a hugely pro-adoption (DH is also adopted), but the thought of even getting my homestudy updated and having more "prying" into my life is even making me nauseous.....Also, I wonder if I am "tempting fate," you know? Things ended up (in the end) being so perfect, and I know lightening can't strike twice....

I do hear that people with bio kids sometimes have the same feelings when they are pg with number 2....so maybe it's just that?!

Anyway, best of luck to you....I always say adoption is not for the faint of heart....I remember finding out one of my friends saying (when she was pg) that I was doing it the "easy way"....ummmmm, yeah, not so much!

[rjsmom]

Leigh - the answer is yes. We are actually going for DD's finalization today. I am way more nervous than I was with DS. I know what to expect, we've been through it, we have an open relationship with the birthparents - yet I am very anxious.

It took me a long time to say that I was ready for #2 - actually I was quite content with one. We had a great agency, great meeting with birthmom, love my son to death but like you I dreaded the idea of the process. One day mid June and out of the blue I woke up and knew that it was something that we had to do. Now 4 months later we are finalizing. It was a roller coster summer. It's ok to get a little excited.

[intladoptionblog]

My situation was different, as we did 2 international adoptions, but the comment about tempting fate hits home. All the paperwork was almost more daunting knowing what it entailed, as the first time things came one intrusion or pain in the neck at a time, and with the second I saw the whole picture the whole time.
More difficult, however, was the idea that we were somehow pushing our luck by adopting a second time.
Our first was so perfect in every way, it just didn't seem possible that we'd be so lucky again.
We were, and we're so glad we did it and so thankful for both our kids.
Funny how the mind works, isn't it?

[StorkWatcher]

Leigh, Thanks for being so honest.

I've wondered if it wouldn't just be easier the second time around. But I think although some parts might be easier, the fact that we've been through it once means we not only know what to expect, but we have some pretty rational fears about NOT wanting to experience some of the same things we did the first time.

At least you know what the wonderful end result will be! And I have to admit, I feel as if our process were a little like childbirth, in that once the baby came home and a little time passed, I forgot a lot of the pain and frustration.

Do you think that's part of what you're feeling now? You'd forgotten some of the emotions you'd felt the first time, and now they're back full force?

Add onto that the fact that now you're a mom, so you have a whole added list of responsibilities and a need to devote most of your time elsewhere rather than taking time for yourself to cope with your feelings like you might have the first time!

Thank goodness you have all of us! We'll all just sending calming vibes your way today. Oh, and have a little mint tea for the tummy.....

[bajj]

Leigh, I felt that way the second time around. I knew what it was like to watch the birth mother leave empty handed. I knew what it was like to leave and supposed to feel supremely happy, but somehow, just didn't.

With our first adoption, it was considered legal risk for 13 months, and then we were able to finalize. I was terrified of going through that again and then right at the end, losing my baby.

I was also terrified that because I had a child, people wouldn't want to place with me.

The thought of the total invasion again....ugh! You know, they have to know every little thing. How much we make. What meds we take. Where we live. Our debt, etc. It just seems like such an invasion. I do understand the screening process is necessary. It's just not an easy thing, especially for such a private person.

It is normal to feel that way. If you just look at it technically speaking, my second adoption was a breeze. However, emotionally, it was much, much harder. I think it's good to be prepared, but it can bring on even more fears, too.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by StorkWatcher

I've wondered if it wouldn't just be easier the second time around. But I think although some parts might be easier, the fact that we've been through it once means we not only know what to expect, but we have some pretty rational fears about NOT wanting to experience some of the same things we did the first time.

...

Great post storkwatcher!!!

((Leigh)) This is so normal. I felt the same way. Going thru 2 failed placements before getting my son, was harder then I expected. I also experienced some of PADS, after the placement of my son, which I didn't experience at all the first time around.

I think the storkwatcher hit it on the head. We do know more then the first time around, we are here, we know of failed placements, we know we have to get thru the relinquishing period again. You have so much to go thru with so much uncertainty at this point.

If I can share one thing though which I do regret, try to find joy in the simple things. What you do know is that a baby will come home with you permanently one day. That will happen, you will walk thru your front doors with this beautiful baby. That experience is rare and beautiful. You get to experience it still. You might get to experience visiting the child at the hospital or being present for his/her birth. So many new and exciting things are in your future. The first night, taking care of a little newborn again, or buying those first new clothes for him/her, decorating the room, and all the first time things you get to experience with your child. That is very exciting. Where you where when you got the call, also. What you were doing. Those are the moments you remember ALL your life.

Try to slow down and enjoy the fact that YOU ARE EXPECTING. Treat yourself to something nice. Do something special with your child now because when #2 comes along, you will be swamped. Start planning for the holidays. Have things ready for you. In one day, your life can change. Mine did. At 8:29 a.m. it was a cold November Day, I was sad, holidays were coming, I just experienced my 2 failed placement at birth, when the phone rang. It was 8:30 a.m., a little boy was born this morning and would we accept the placement of him? .........One minute in time, changed everything. It will for you too. I know it. It's so exciting! Don't lose that excitement!!! please......

I really wished I enjoyed the time prior to receiving my son more. I wished it away. I regret that. Look to the good things that will happen, don't focus on the scary things. In the end, one thing is certain, you will have your baby in your arms. That is a fact, you will get there. How you arrive there, is your choice.

[michellesnook]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

She made a comment to me along the lines of "You must be getting excited" and all I could say back is, actually I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'm just not excited about the adoption process at all. I shudder just thinking about it. I'm not afraid of another child or meeting birthfamilies ....that's the fun stuff. But I really dread the process. I really don't want to go through the whole "being matched" thing again.....all the stress at the hospital....the 10 days where the birthfamily can change their minds...

I really feel like throwing up right now just thinking about it.

Yep..that sums it up nicely!! Our new baby is due in 3-4 weeks..I haven't told work yet, I haven't set up the crib...I don't feel any of the "I'm going to be a mom" like I did the first time!

Our birthfamily situation is different this time too..this pbmom wants a semi-closed/closed adoption and our son's birthfamily practically wanted us to move in with them..so while I feel the "odds" are better this time that she won't change her mind, I'm not nearly as attached to the idea of "this" baby yet..does that make sense?

Michelle

[kckm]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I'm hopeful to the extent that I know it will happen eventually......I just dread the path I'll have to walk to get there.

As you can see you are not alone. You know some of what to expect and your life is not as it was the first time around. Just thinking about it can make you wonder "can we do this again". I can ask myself this question everyday and everyday I end with the same answer, of course we can. My main concern is getting past the loss the birthparents go through. It took me a long time to stop feeling sad the first time around, still feel it at times. We know in the end it all works out, but the journey can be long and overwhelming at times. When the worring starts to get the best of me I just look at our son, at that moment nothing else seems to matter. I guess he gets me to a peaceful place when I need it most.

We will do it again and with all the support here it makes it a little easier.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I had coffee - well, Tea actually- with my friend tonight. We got to the topic of where we are in the process to adopt our second. She is one of our references, so she is "in the loop" and knows we will be active pretty quickly.

She made a comment to me along the lines of "You must be getting excited" and all I could say back is, actually I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'm just not excited about the adoption process at all. I shudder just thinking about it. I'm not afraid of another child or meeting birthfamilies ....that's the fun stuff. But I really dread the process. I really don't want to go through the whole "being matched" thing again.....all the stress at the hospital....the 10 days where the birthfamily can change their minds...

I really feel like throwing up right now just thinking about it.


It doesnt help that alot of my friends have had a LOT of issues with their adoptions lately. Failed matches, contested adoptions - all within my little group of friends.

We had a horrible experience the first time....at least my expectations are low.

I just don't know how to be happy about this at all- and I SO want to be.

I wish I was the person i was the first time....hopeful and excited.

I'm hopeful to the extent that I know it will happen eventually......I just dread the path I'll have to walk to get there.


Has anyone else gone through this??

((((((((((Leigh))))))))) I could have written this post about 18 months ago (and every month following, practically... ) It really hit me when we started waiting again that this time, we knew what we were gonna go through and well, we weren't as excited. All the unknowns are the hardest, but also the knowing that the wait it hard, being matched is hard, the time surrounding the birth experience is hard, the following days... and on and on. The thing that was the most difficult was that I knew the reality of the emotions we would all feel during the time. I felt a tremendous heaviness for the expecting moms, knowing that there was great loss involved. There was bitter mixed with the sweet of our hope fulfilled, something we will always know, always feel.

But those feelings were definitely what helped me keep things in perspective the second time around, to help me remember that this whole experience was much more than adding to our family.

Hugs... I do understand... and sorry to say, the feeling didn't go away for us. We never really got excited during the wait the second time around. Wow... I'm not very encouraging except to say those feelings aren't all bad. For me, it helped me live in reality about how multi-facted this experience is. I'm not naive anymore to think it is just about adding to our family. It is much more than that.

[Poleczech]

Add me to the stressed-out club!! This is our first adoption, birthmother relinquished in the hospital but birthfather still hasn't relinquished 4 months after the birth, even though he keeps saying he will. He has never contacted us, never made any attempts at support (before or after the birth), and hasn't claimed paternity either, and I hate the thought of going to court to have a tpr done on my son's birthfather, but at this point, I just want it to be over and done with so we don't have this hanging over our head. I love our son more than words could ever say, and I'd rather the relinquishments be voluntary, but the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop is making me want to vomit too!

Wait -- there is more. Turns out there is also a legal father who is definitely not the bio father, and he wants nothing to do with our son, yet he hasn't signed the rellinquishments yet either. He keeps telling the agency (who, BTW, is situated about 30 minutes from him) that he doesn't have gas money, or doesn't have transportation, or doesn't have money to pay the notary, yet the agency is just now (after our suggesting it!) going to meet him to get the relinquishments rather than wait on him to find a notary. (That one seemed like a no-brainer to us .... I mean, seriously folks, what ARE we paying the agency for anyway????????)

So now we are paying an attorney enough money that he should have to personally serve the court papers on both the fathers by walking it to their front doors (I think we are funding his child's college education or something), but we felt like we had no choice in the matter, since the agency has legal custody and they were pushing us into the court thing and to use this attorney, so now we are stressed about finances. For the first time in 18+ years of marriage, I had to choose which bills I was going to pay last month because I ran out of money.

So yeah, I am definitely stressed!! (Who has the vomit bags? Can you pass one over to me please???)

[bajj]

(((((((((((((Poleczech))))))))))))))

[loveajax]

"He keeps telling the agency (who, BTW, is situated about 30 minutes from him) that he doesn't have gas money, or doesn't have transportation, or doesn't have money to pay the notary, yet the agency is just now (after our suggesting it!) going to meet him to get the relinquishments rather than wait on him to find a notary. (That one seemed like a no-brainer to us .... I mean, seriously folks, what ARE we paying the agency for anyway????????) "


Cheryl, I realize this is NOT funny but it kind of made me laugh. This is SO SIMILAR to what our agency did....When I started breaking down how much we paid (almost 30K) into how much they were making per hour, I could not believe that they would not bring papers out to birth dad. Then they tried to say that they didn't want to "coerce" him (he told them he WANTED to sign, just had no way of getting to agency 40 miles away). It was insane....I am sorry you are dealing with this stuff.....hang in there.

[Leigh131313]

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far....for your support, for your commiseration, for your ears and for your stories. There are so many of us who do not get through this thing unscathed. For me, I just wonder what part of me is it going to destroy this time? How is this going to effect my son?

People have told me that through our first experience, they saw me change. That they could see the joy seeping out of me. I'm so scared of that happenning again. I think to some extent, because of my low expectations, i can protect myself a bit from this happening. But we really do put our hearts out on the line.

and yes, I really do know that it is worth it in the end. That's the only reason I can get through this....and I do know that I can and will get through this.

After our son came home, i swore that we would never EVER put ourselves through adoption again.....but I do want to enjoy all of those little things I did with M again..I want to have a larger family, I want ds to have someone to open presents with on Christmas...I want the same things I dreamed of before I realized I could not carry a child.


I know it's worth it....I know I'll get through. And thanks to you all, I know I am not alone in how this is effecting me.

[Linny]

Well.........I can certainly attest that it doesn't get any easier the second or the eighth time around.........and to be honest, the process has become so much more involved and expensive, it's pretty darn hard NOT to feel depressed and anxious about it all......

My own dh has said time and again...."I CAN'T STAND the process, {Linny}, YOU do the paperwork, talk on the phone and all of that junk.........' I'll be here for the baby/child when you get him/her.

I honestly can't blame him anymore. The process is so disturbing in many senses anymore, it takes only the gutsi-est people to go through it all. And, we haven't even DONE the matching game! Our babies have always been 'born and birthparents wanting to sign'.......so I cannot imagine being involved with the waiting. I KNOW I'd be sick to my stomach!!!!!!

My best to all of you. May we all only have to wait a short time to find our babies to hold!

Sincerely,

Linny