[court5505]

I was wondering what you all think would be "normal" as far as frequency of visits in an open adoption where the adoptive parents and birth parents live in the same city. I was talking to our SW and she said she thought about 6 weeks or so seemed right. I know every situation is different, but I'm interested to hear other opinions.

[mom2GRLC]

I prefer to plan for about once a month(with most of my kids birth families)... but each month is different. If we have a lot going on or a bunch of sick kids we don't really make any plans. Other times when we are all feeling well and not so busy we may get together several times in the month (as we did last month with my daughters birthfamily).

When my son was still having 1 hour weekly visits with his grandmother(through DHS) I used to stay and visit with her. It was very nice and I actually looked foreward to our time together. When the TPR went through we re-arranged our visits to getting together once a month...but she has since decided it would be to hard to see her grandson at this point. But I would still call her once a month to ask her how she was and offer the invitation to get together. I truly miss her and it wouldn't have been a bother to see her once a week (since it was already a part of our normal schedule). I just wish she'd be willing to get together at all...but I understand it's too hard for her right now.

[Lilly's Mommy]

I agree with you that there is no normal or right, just what is right for you and the child's birthmother/father. We live just about 15 minutes drive from Lilly's birthmother, although we're technically in separate towns. We get together about every 3 weeks. Before Lilly was born we all thought we'd like to get together about once a month. As it has happened, both B and I enjoy getting together more often than that. We usually talk on the phone at least every other week.

[Leigh131313]

Hmm..interesting thing to think about!!

I agree, no two situations are the same ...however, I also think the fact that you are in the same city might make it more important to be very clear on your expectations. If you are only comfortable with one or two visits per year, someone who lives in the same city may have picked you because they want very frequent visits.

I think you need to really search your thoughts and decide what you would be comfortable with and go from there.

Good luck!!

[akcskye]

I ditto all of the information given.

I have not experienced this personally, but I'll offer up how I'd feel about the situation.

My biggest questions in deciding would be:

1. Do you feel you can have a productive relationship with the birth parents?
2. Do you have an idea of what to "offer" in the way of visitation?
3. Are there any immediate birth family members who will be in the visits that you are uncomfortable with?

If the relationship is positive, and you get along with the birth family, I would think no more than 2 times a month, IF it were me.

Be firm with your offering. You give an inch, they'll take a mile (on any life situation for anyone).

It is important, in an open adoption where things are apparently okay enough to allow the birth family visitation, from what I've learned over the years on these very boards, is that you must set your own boundaries.

Do you know what the birth family wants for visitation? Is it actual visits? Cards and letters?

Also, NEVER be afraid to pull the plug on visitation if things are going amiss...as much as you long to acknowledge the birth family in your child's life, if life happens and things change and they're not desireable, don't make your child be a part of it.

After all, though it's hard to do, the child is in your care, they're your family...you are the mom, and you know what is best for your child.

Well, hoping I avoid the normal flames...like I said, this is not from personal experience, but you wanted our thoughts, there ya have it. :-D

[SchmennaLeigh]

Our visits are quarterly. (Though two this year will be shoved to the end of the year due to scheduling.) We're flexible with one another and scheduling. We don't live in the same city; 800 miles apart.

Don't let a social worker dictate what you feel comfortable with... make your own decisions with the input of the birthfamily.

[HBV]

We live about 20 minutes from one another and see H's bmother (usually w/ her parents) about once a month, plus special occasions in either her life (e.g. holidays, birthday, H.S. graduation) or H's. We e-mail photos more often, basically whenever we have new ones. I absolutely despise talking on the phone, so we don't do too much of that.

We see H's bdad about once a quarter.

I have to be honest, sometimes it feels like too much. We both work and have busy lives, but I know that it is important to H's bparents and bgrandparents and I want him to grow up understanding how many people love him.

[loveajax]

We live about one hour from DD's birth parents and only have yearly visits (though I did see them once before the baby's bday and woud like to see them again around the holidays....DH is a different story, so I have to respect his feelings too). I also agree that you may want to set the "minimum" a little lower, since you can always do more visits, etc. Life gets so flipping busy and what you think you may have time for now, you may not in the future, etc. Good luck!

[lahdh4]

I agree, you can set a minimum and work up from that but it is hard if you set too high a minimum. Ours have tend to work out to about 3 or 4 a year. They are busy and I understand that. It is tough but I understand and we only live about 40 minutes away from each other.

[court5505]

So do most of you have some sort of verbal agreement of how often visits are, or do they just happen?

[kelceesmom]

I don't get to do this but for me I would not want it dictated what I should do. I would rather start off with fewer visits and if things progressed the way I would hope it would change the peramiters to suit us at that time.

[loveajax]

Court, we have a written OA agreement which sets out the number of updates and visits required. Some people don't like the written agreements -- I do, because it makes me accountable (not that I wouldn't want to do this stuff, but I am very flaky!) and also I feel that if I am doing what we agreed to, then that's OK (and if we can work out additional stuff too, cool). Otherwise, I think I would feel "stressed" trying to figure out when to have contact/how much, etc...that's just me, though!

[mom2GRLC]

No we have no set schedule. We talk whenever we want by phone, e-mail, or IM and often run into each other around town. Then as we would in any friendship/family relationship we talk about what is going on in life and how everyone is feeling and talk about getting together again...whenever we both can come up with a good time and something for us to do.

I've tried making it a more formal thing in the past (hoping to save our already troubled relationhsip) but it only made it worse with to many expectations and responcibilities.

Once I finally realized that my daughter would be just fine with out her birthmom in her life....or questions answered etc....it took all the pressure off all of us I think. Now I just look at it as an extra blessing to our lives. I picture them as extended family members....and friends.

I don't "define" my relationships with my friends or other family members why would I define the relationship I have with them. We have learned to just play things by ear and appreciate the good times we do have together...and when times are hard or busy keeping in touch by IM always seems to hold us together.

[mom2GRLC]

I think if we had talked about what kind of expectations and desires we had upfront it would have been helpful at first as we were building trust with each other.

In the begining her birthmom was asking to see her or talk to her quite a lot. It was hard for me to say no, because I wanted to help comfort her brithmom in whatever way I could to help her make it throguh this difficult time. But it was really hard on my daughter and I because she was really having a hard time accepting this loss and was directing a lot of anger, resentment towards me and just an overwhelming sense of sadness.

The more I gave and gave...the more it seemed like things only got worse. I was trying to prove to her that I cared about her and wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her. But the more I gave the more resnetful I became. Because it felt like I was giving and giving and she just kept taking and taking and we were the ones suffering....because of it. I felt like....I had started this relationship for the wrong reasons. I did it originally to help her birthmom out...but it was obvious nothing I ever did for her could make things all better. Then I thought of my daughter and was angry that this open adoption was supposed to be about her and yet she was not getting anything that we wanted for her...by way of answers or letters or anything....and the contact we did have....the only contact she would do...would leave my daughter and I feeling her pain and sadness and it just wasn't right.

i think if we had discussed up front what our expectations were, what our hopes were, what we wanted from the relationship etc...it would have made things a lot easier, clearer and a lot more healthy.

But I think there is a difference between...talking about what you'd like.....verses....setting in stone exact times or dates for things

[lahdh4]

The only thing we have in writing is how often we will get pictures. I don't remember if it says anything about visits but usually I just call up L and ask for a get together and we play schedule match up and go from there.