[az sun]

Hi All, we are going to bring home our new daughter (few months old very soon).
Anyway, when we initially contacted this agency we were very eager for a semi/open adoption. Having been fosterparents who get to know the parents we have seen the benefit for all involved. I really wanted our little girl to know her mom, even if there were not visits. Well it turns out the birthmother does not want anything released, no last name, no photos, plus she has other kids and no info on them.
I am sad... I feel really strange emotions like our daughter won't know her bmom, yet she will have a amom. I guess I had this idea of how it would be and now we "can't" have that for her - i feel so well, almost betrayed (please I don’t want to offend anyone) to not even be able to tell her what her first mom looked like.
How have others dealt with this???

Mostly I don’t want my feelings to be projected onto our daughter, kwim?

BTW just to be clear we will sent updates twice a year with letter and photos to the agency if the birth mother shows up again, the agency has agreed (at her request) to not ever contact or try to find her. I feel sad she was/is so distressed to have to have done this.
The agency is generally very pro open adoption, but its the birthmothers decision.

[loveajax]

Congratulations, Az Sun, first of all!

I have to say that DH and I very much wanted a closed adoption (opposite situation from you) and ended up with a fairly open adoption and I am now very grateful for that. And if your DD's birth mom feels this is the best way for her to handle the situation, obviously I know you will respect that, etc. I am just wondering if it would be possible for you to send a letter to her through the agency just explaining how much you would love to have contact with her some day if and when she is ready and on her terms. Life is so long, and you never know....and if she knows how much you would welcome contact, etc., maybe someday when things are different, she will remember that and reach out.....Good luck!!

[Sun8]

I agree. keep sending photos and letters every once in a while as the bmom's situation may change. She is obviously in a very difficult point in her life now and feeling overwhelmed i imagine. In 5 years it may be different, in 10 years it will be different and in 20 I would think she would be a "settled" person. On the other hand perhaps the bmom knows herself well enough to know she is not and would not be a good influence for her bdaughter. In this case it would be her love for her that has influenced her decision for no contact.

As the saying goes, "for everything there is a time,season and reason" have faith in that and how all things are put in place now and later are done for all the best reasons.

I am an adoptee, 44 years old, have found bmom and bdad family ( he passed) I can clearly see how being adopted and having NO contact as I grew up was in my best interest. Knowing what I know now having contact would have made my life very difficult and unstable

[mznia504]

I am pretty much in the same situation you are. Our baby boy is due on Nov 28. The Bmom was raped and decided that she doesn't want to meet us and doesn't want to realease any info at all b/c she doesn't want contact. It saddened me and it still worries me b/c we intended on having an open adoption. I guess it is just like you said, the fact that we are not able to get all we expected. I still worry about when my child grows older and asks about his mom and I don't have any answers for him. At this point I don't even know her name We plan to see a family counselor to discuss how we will explain the adoption to our son once he is of age. I imagine it would be hard to let a young boy know that he was conceived through rape. I admit I will need some helo in explaining that to him.

We also will be sending pictures and updates to the agency should she have a change of heart in the future. I wish you so much luck and congrats on your baby girl!!

[joskids]

We have that same situation with our son who is now 9 years old. He has so many questions about his birthmother -- we do know her name but have NO PHOTOS. Because I am CC and he is AA (my DH is AA), I feel it's particularly important for him to know what his birthmother looks like. She wants no contact. We have found her sister and had some contact with her but because we have more open adoptions with two of our other children, it is so sad for him and I know that to hear her voice or even see a photo would mean so much to him. The bottom line is that there is no more that we can do than what we have done. We support our son and hope that one day his birthmother will have the strength to come back into his life and get to know how wonderful her little boy is. I think in some cases, birthmothers are just too hurt by what has happened to keep things more open and we must learn to respect that and to teach our children to respect them also for what they believe is the best way for them to handle their choices.

Best wishes on your pending adoption.

Josie

[Linny]

Most of our adoptions are closed in most ways. Only one has been completely closed in that we had NO info at all for our child.

Let me assure you, it isn't as 'hard' as you might think it is. Not every child is longing to know what their birthmother looked like; not every child is going to grieve and such because the person who bore him/her chose not to be involved with their life.

Let's also not assume we can know the reasonings behind the choice either. We have found it best, to simply tell what we know, explain what we can, and go from there. We have two infants who are now adults---grown and on their own. There were no letters or contact with either set of biologicals; and our children did not grieve or feel anger and such that you might be thinking will happen in your own case. In fact, they have express that they are glad we did not do continued letters/photos.

My point is, whether anyone has an open or semi or closed adoption, the main idea is to be honest and frank with whatever questions your child brings to you. When they are grown, support them should they choose to search for biological 'roots'. If not, don't pressure them...and don't project any possible assumed feelings of any kind of loss to your child, that actually might not be there. If they are, talk to your child, etc.

We've found that honesty and open-ness in OUR relationship with our children--to answer any questions with the answers we know, to not try to assume anything on the part of the biologicals, has proven to be the best of all.

Sincerely,

Linny

[patti Daniels]

We adopted over 18 years ago and the birthmom chose a closed adoption. My daughter opened it when she wanted to find her bmom. We did find her and they have a great relationship.

[mom2GRLC]

I feel kinda the same. I adopted my kids through fostercare and wither have an open or semi-open relationship with at least some of each of my kids birthfamily members. Well, my youngest daughter was a closed adoption. I did by accident/on purpose get her birthmom's name....and by coincidence I knew someone who was in the same class as her and was able to get a picture they had hanging up in the class of her (which I am sooooooo grateful for). I don't believe the birthmom WANTED a closed adoption I think that is just what DHS does in my area and so she was probably not given any choice. I've begged and pleaded with the adoption worker for the last year and a half to contact her and let her know we'd like to have contact with her....but she basically doesn't believe it will be good for her or us if we do so she hasn't done anything.

It's very sad because my daughter will be my only child who does not have at least some form of contact and I am worried about how she will feel about that. I don't want her to feel left out.