[tyiakoum]

Since there are so many people out there trying to understand what we feel, I thought it might be a good idea to start this thread. It might help those of us dealing with the wait, and infertility and loss, to express our feelings and give everyone not dealing with our issues an understand of our hearts, minds and souls.



as a writer and a very sensitive person, I am going to give it my best shot at describing to you, exactly what it feels like to want a child... and be hopelessly childless.

Here goes:

As you get older, the images before you, of parents dropping their kids off at school, hugs in the grocery store, seeing kids waiting at the doc's office, playing at the playground, tug and pull at your heart. This is reinforced strongly by cultural norms, and the media. Add to that being fairly religious, and basicallly, you know that society sets us women up to intrinsically long for motherhood... not only is it good for society, it fulfills a woman's capacity to love and nurture.

Now here is what I PERSONALLY feel. Every day of my life. And as I get older, it gets worse and worse. I work with kids (and have for many years, and I am not about to give it up. I have a very positive influence on children, who are abused and at-risk. I may be the one bright, loving and nurturing light in their very tough lives).

Being a childless woman who longs to fulfill her destiny as a mother is like being a chocoholic who is grocery shopping. You can't get away from it. Because you can't get away from seeing children. I hope you understand that and don't take offense. If you love food, it is really hard to go out to eat or to go grocery shopping. If you love kids, it is equally as hard to even watch TV, read a magazine, go outside and listen to kids playing, go to any public place, visit friends (because most of them have children).

Add to that, the giant, gaping, raw hole I feel, every day. When a child runs to me for protection, I instinctively ruffle their hair or hold their hand to support and nurture. It is the sweetest pain I will ever feel.

Then remove yourself from that situation. You want so badly to help a child grow up in love, support and nurture a child, help it to become everything the child can be... a great citizen, learn to its full capacity, give back to the community. It isn't just about holding a baby in your arms and goo goo ga ga'ing.

You are at home. Your house is empty. It echos with the sound of your DH tapping on the keyboard. It is not, like all your friends' homes, filled w/the sounds of kids fighting over toys or playing in the basement or outside... the best background noise ever!

You are driving in the car. Suddenly, you feel as though your heart is being ripped from your body. The gaping wound that is your heart, just out of nowhere, longs so badly for motherhood, for all those reasons I wrote above.

I hope I've spoken for EVERY SINGLE waiting adoptive mom here. Being a mother is a choice for us. But it is really about pain. The pain of loss. The pain of never having. It isn't about, "oh, I wish I could have a Mercedes or a big house". It is:

"Oh, my life would be so enriched and fulfilled with a child." And all those reasons I gave you, above, should be reason enough for you to understand why we women, many of whom have had huge losses with losing our own children (hey, I lost TWINS, OK, I know loss), whether miscarriage, stillborn, or, post-birth, know even more emotional pain than you could ever even imagine.

[ChristieS]

Well put Tyiakoum!

It is nothing like a "want" as in I want a new car.

It is a need. It feels exactly like you said, a raw, open hurt which is constant and of which we are constantly reminded. No matter where you go, what you do - there are children and Mommies.

(In reference to helping vs. adopting) I offered my son's birthmom the opportunity to come and live with us and we would help HER raise HER child. She said no. She did not want to do that. How much more of an offer to help can you give?

What would happen to those children? Foster care? What? When there are women who hurt so badly for a child that there are not enough words to describe it.

I used to walk by the baby section in a store and just stand there and cry. Now I have a beautiful son who is loved and cherished and my heart ,which used to overflow with pain, is now overflowing with love.

You wrote a beautiful description of how it feels to desire so deeply a child and the pain of losing a child and being unable to have children.

Thank you!

(I hope this helps people understand.)

[blessedbybug]

How can you explain such a thing to someone who doesn't feel the same way? I believe it to be impossible. For me, I feel that I shouldn't have to explain it to anyone. not understanding (or anyone else) does not affect the fact that experiencing parenthood has been a hope of mine ~ a longing ~ since I was very young (read: preschool age). That "hope" was lost during 11 years of single life. After I met DH, that hope was renewed, only to be stretched, painfully stretched through now almost 8 years of infertility, and a long, stressful adoption journey that brought hope fulfilled in the precious lives of my two children, not born to me.

There's nothing I can say that could help her or anyone else understand that longing. Nothing. Believe me I have tried. Can you tell that even though I have been blessed to have two amazing kiddos come into my life, that even the question opens that wound, not healed at all, wide open again? It's like someone questioning something that is very much a part of who I am. I don't question anyone else's desire (or lack thereof), their longing for a child.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Note for the thread: There has been a reference to a separate thread. All mentions have been removed. We keep issues from threads contained in those threads. This topic is strong enough to stand on its own but further mentioning of the previous thread will, from this point, be deleted.

Thanks!

[tyiakoum]

Blessedbybug. Ummm. This thread is meant to HELP people understand how we feel and what we are going through. Maybe they will never understand. But for those who care, opening your heart and mind to the possibility that others involved in the triad want to know... and are openminded enough to feel our pain... and perhaps try and understand vs. just assume how we feel...would be helpful.

[bajj]

Oh boy does this bring back a lot!

Yes, I have been there, with that longing, that need, that pain. I have blamed myself and felt like I somehow let my husband down.

I watched relatives and friends all get pregnant and have baby after baby after baby. I heard cruel and insensitive comments like, "why don't you just go buy a baby?" BUY A BABY??????

I watched kids in the store smiling and laughing, or crying and screaming. I watched parents comfort and hold and I watched them scold when necessary. I always wondered, will my day ever come?

Once I decided to adopt, I felt guilt for wishing for a child, which meant someone had to be pregnant who had not planned on being so. I felt unbelievable pain at the thought of someone placing their baby in my arms and walking away. I felt unbelievable joy at the thought that I would finally be a Mother...which brought back the guilt that someone else would be hurting in an undescribable way. It was a vicious circle for me.

I don't think you can understand unless you've been there, but I do agree it is important to talk about. You get a greater insight into other members of the "triad" when you hear their pain, loss, and gain. I always learn a lot on these forums.

Thank you for starting this thread. Maybe it will help others to know they are not alone.

[ahfdragonfly]

I religously avoided the baby sections for years. Because I would cry everytime I was in them. Seeing a young teen pregnant & wondering why I wasn't allowed to be. Did i do something wrong? The painful sweetness of a niece or nephew cuddling in your arms & then falling asleep. How come I'm not allowed to experience that all the time? Raw, open, gapeing wounds don't even begin to describe the pain. Even 15 mos after my daughter homecomming, those pains easily surface again. Will others who have not been through that understand? Maybe not. Just like I can not understand the pain of labor & delivery. But i can sympathize, & I can try to understand & feel compassion for those who have. For those who have lost a child, at any point from conception through adulthood. I don't know the loss, but I can open my heart & feel pain for their loss.

For those who don't want to understand, that is their right. They don't have to try. For those that do, read our words & immagine not being able to hold the most precious gift ever eiven to you. You are the ones that we will try to reach. You are the ones that will feel for all of humanity, races, religons, choices.

[tyiakoum]

What became really embarrassing to me... a few years after my TAH-BSO (for those of you who don't know what that means, it is a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy/Bi-lateral Salpingoopherectomy), it just really hit me, bad, that I was totally incapable, in any way, shape or form, of carrying, conceiving or delivering a child.

My friends all began to start their families. Andreas' and my siblings began too.

I'd go to parties... and in our circle, the kids are ALWAYS included, whether it is going to dinner, a party, or whatever. The babies would be there. I'd be holding them. The TOTALLY bust out crying. I'd be so embarrassed. We would end up leaving the party.

Everyone felt so sorry for us. Well-meaning people would say "oh, we'd be your surrogate (insert the "if I didn't want my own kids, if I didn't hate being pregnant, if my family weren't against it" etc). We'd donate an egg (insert all the above and more, including if I weren't afraid of needles/doctors/hospitals etc).

Everyone was so well-intentioned. But feeling sorry for an infertile person/couple is like, when you watch those commercials for Christian Children's Fund or to raise money for kids in impoverished countries. It is like, you see the images, you are blown away, think, well, I could do something about that. And then, you forget.

We've chosen adoption for so many reasons. I know at some point, an expectant mom will see our profile, and learn about us, and finally I will get to experience the joy I have dreamed of, all my life, even as a child. I have dreamed of a daughter in my arms since I was playing with dolls... and hopefully, a miracle... more than one child.

But for now, all I can hope for is the one and only. And the wait is so, so hard. And everyone is so well-meaning. But they can't imagine, those who have children and look at their own kids as miracles from God, but can't REALLY know truly what the miracle is, unless they are infertile...

It is like, Andreas and I lived in DC for 20 years and moved home to take care of Tracey's needs after mom's death. We never, in 20 years, went to the Washington Monument. Because it was there, and we knew it would always be there, so, we kept putting off going. Taking it for granted that it wasn't going anywhere. Well, we moved. And I've never experienced the monument!

So for those who are fertile... it's not even a thought for those of you who can personally experience carrying a child... it is like the monument... fertility is there so you don't even need to give it a second thought.

Until it is gone.

So thanks to all of you brave ladies who have wanted to write in this thread... to help the process of understanding within the triad. I am very certain that a birth/firstmom or an expectant mom will see these postings and if they had any doubt of the impact of the power of adoption,

how it can transform lives... not only their life, but the lives of their children and those of us who cannot bear a child.

If it helps these triad members feel a stronger, better connection to us, if it helps adoptees understand WHY we feel about our children the way we feel, if it helps even we infertile women understand all these complexities of emotions,

I am so glad, then, that I started this thread.

Sending everyone reading this hugs, and hopes for a wonderful weekend for all,

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by tyiakoum

Blessedbybug. Ummm. This thread is meant to HELP people understand how we feel and what we are going through. Maybe they will never understand. But for those who care, opening your heart and mind to the possibility that others involved in the triad want to know... and are openminded enough to feel our pain... and perhaps try and understand vs. just assume how we feel...would be helpful.

But you see, you touched a nerve. I do appreciate your sentiment, of trying to help others understand why we feel the way we do. More than I can express, actually, because I haven't had the guts to ask the question, to put it out there, myself. I hope that it does just that.

I guess it's just hard to talk about as I have explained this in real life so many times, and have been shot down, told that I should just get on with my life, stop hoping, that no one else wanted to share this misunderstood load. You are right... I am making an assumption here, one I regret. I hope that there are people open-minded enough to accept that our pain is what it is. I'm a bit jaded though as I have experienced on many levels in real life and otherwise the minimizing of my feelings about my barrenness and my desires to just be a Mom.

And I guess I'm a little gunshy, worried here, honestly based on some of the responses received on different threads to those of us seeking parenthood through adoption, that it isn't a safe place. I feel like I have to measure every word, and sometimes feelings don't come out right, esp ones that cut to the core.

How can I help people understand when they don't want to? Am I required to open myself upto that kind of pain, someone telling me that my pain isn't real or right? No, but that is what you are asking and once again, if I choose to participate on this thread, that is what I need to do.

So here goes... How does it feel to be childless in a culture that is built on families??? Or should I say, how does the society make me fell? Outcast... excluded... incompetent... inadequate... misguided... unworthy... wallflower... isolated... misunderstood... a failure... I truly don't/didn't believe those things about myself, on my own. I know I am worthy of everything I hope for... but when you're told that over and over, well, it starts to sink in... KWIM???

But even deeper, how does it feel not to being able to experience something I feel I was created to do, be a Mom? This was a hope of mine, so cruelly taken away for reasons not in my control. Maybe I answered so vaguely the first time because I can't put it eloquently nor at times, do I really want to bring it all up.

The only way I can explain it is to say it felt like I was operating, going through life, without one of my senses. When there is a dull ache, an emptiness all the time, a loss of hope, nothing else can be experienced to the fullest. Nothing... does that seem melodramatic? To many, it does.

Did I still live a full life as a family of one before I married? Yes and found many enjoyable things in it. Was it colored by sadness as my hopes for a family were unfulfilled? Always. And nothing I did, nothing, including being an aunt to then, 5 amazing little boys, nor being a youth pastor to scores of teens, being a caregiver to the children of others, none of that fulfilled the hope that one day I would be a mother, that I would experience all of it firsthand, not through the arms of another's child.

And after I was blessed with hope renewed when I married, did I enjoy life as a family of two? Yes! And was determined to live beyond the hope unfulfilled that was central in my heart as months, then years went by without having a child. With each surgery, treatment, painful loss, the sadness I felt over empty arms became more real, more unbearable, more overwhelming and less interesting to those around me. Until it came to a point where my loneliness and isolation became a part of who I was because something so much a part of who I had hoped to be, who I believed I was created to be, was not there. And how do you explain this to someone who doesn't experience it?? HOw??? I don't know.

I had so much in my life that I could have lived without children always, but it would have been with a big, gaping hole right there in the middle of everything. So I chose to see where adoption took us without any expectation that anything would come of it. I didn't expect someone else to help me fulfill this dream. Why should they? It's not their job to do. But I know I would have lived with even more pain and regret had I not chose to see what this open door and opportunity led us to.

And it took us to a place of fulfillment and I am thankful to add, that because of the choice of another, I am blessed and privileged to be a MOm now. I am honored that these women, in the middle of their own crisis, chose me to be a part of how they parent their children. THey chose me to be a MOm. In some ways, the first mothers of my kids were the only ones who really understood me, for the first time. And even as difficult as the relationships have been/are I will always honor them with continued efforts to maintain every thread of relationship I can.

I hope that answers your question more fully. And I hope I've "spoken" in a way that won't leave me misunderstood, again. Again, I'm sorry I didn't answer more appriopriately in my first post...

[loveajax]

Thank you for starting this thread and for all your wonderful posts.

IMO, this board should be a place where you find others who "get it" (believe me, I get it, and though I am the happiest mom in the world, I still have "niggles" of pain about my infertility....trying to make anyone understand that is simply impossible, I think).

For those of you waiting for your child, I wish you lots of good luck. I think the adoptive moms here would all safely say that there is nothing in the world better than being a mama! So I hope that happens soon for all the wonderful women here who are waiting....

ETA: BlessedbyBug, are you me (haha!). What you have written resonates so strongly with me. Very beautiful.

I was telling friends on another adoption forum that although I have learned a lot on these boards, I am hesitant to post here because I feel like I have to be so measured as well. I also was starting to feel so guilty (unnecessarily) about something that I feel so wonderful about (adoption in general and specifically the CHOICE, yes CHOICE, that DD's birth mom made). Anyway, I would love for this board to be more of a "safe harbor" for adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents, but I don't see that happening.

[BestLight]

The worst moment for me came when we were living overseas in a 2nd-world country and undergoing IF treatments. I had not yet come to terms with the fact that I would not conceive, carry, bear and nurse a child.

We got NBC on satellite TV, and one morning I was watching an abbreviated version of the Today Show. Katie Couric was telling about a newborn found in a toilet at Disneyland.

I completely lost it. I plunged into such an angry depression at such a seemingly unjust, stupid deity that it took me weeks to come out of. I alternated from being catatonic (this can't be real, this can't be real) to full of rage (what the &$*# kind of $*%&-ing *$&# is this??) before I was able to plunge myself back into teaching my very wonderful students. They'll never know what salvation they brought me just by being there and giving me purpose.

Hurts even now to think about that dark place.


Good thread, Tammi.

[tyiakoum]

Blessedbybug.

You could not have said it any better if the words came tripping off my fingers and this keyboard, or the words came pouring out of my mouth.

Thank you for reaching deep inside and pulling that pain out, expressing what we all feel. I hope it is comforting to know that there are so many people on here who have experienced what you have.

At the same time, I truly do feel that these boards are a safe harbor. I have found nothing but support... and in those times when I have had a nerve touched or provoked a disgruntled response... it is ALWAYS a growth and learning experience for me.

blessed- you say you've hard a hard time getting people to understand and they say move on... well, you are always going to get that because people are human.

people we know have offered (believe me, unasked, unprovoked, totally off-topic) us surrogacy as an option... simply to MAKE THEMSELVES feel like they are helping comfort us in some small way (now how can that comfort us?)

we have never expressed a desire for surrogacy with these people, yet, because it is so prevalent in the media as an option, these well-meaning people just offer, then give excuses immediately after offering! Even though we would never take them up on the offer!)

I can see your point... however, I am an idealist in some ways and I really think this thread has given me clarity, an outlet to provide solace in my own pain, and also, support for others.

I have learned from all the responses so far and am grateful for your putting into words how I feel and have felt.

[mznia504]

A person who has never gone through that pain of infertility would never understand the extent of pain felt to those enduring it.

Can someone on the outside looking in undertsand how horrible it must fel to not be able to achieve something that should come naturally? Something that your body is made to do? Can an outsider understand how you feel to know that you want something so bad that it makes you itch? Can they understand why it's hard for you to share in another person joy when she got pregnant after only one month? Or how about those who have conceived while on birth control? Outsiders cannot understand. This is why we receive advice such as, stop trying so hard, you are thinking about it too much, just relax, or even worse...Just adopt.

Now I can say, one who has never pursued adoption will never be able to understand that it is not as simple as "Just adopting". Adoption is just as stressful, if not more, than infertility. I have endured the pain of two failed adoptions already and we have only been with the agency for 3 months now.

It hurts to think that we worked so hard to prevent pregnancy in our teenage years only to find tat in our adult years its not so easy for us to conceive anyway. It is not an easy situation and I pray each night for everyone who has to endure that pain.

[mom2GRLC]

I feel the same way.

I have the house full of noise, laughter, crying, fighting, singing etc etc. Through the miracle of adoption. I have had 45 kids in my home over the last few years. We have adopted 3 children and in a couple months will have our youngest sons adoption finalized. Then on monday we are going to pick up his bio-brother who was just born addicted to Meth. With all these blessings their is still a bit of emptiness, a longing a need...that will never go away. A NEED to feel what it is like to carry a baby in my womb and give that child life.

I've run into many who will never understand that need. Who believe i should just be happy with the many blessings I have. They will just never understand, or choose not to anyways.

[msdesi]

Thank you all for sharing. I'm going to keep it brief because I know I don't belong here. I'm birthmom from 13 years ago, married almost 7 year, we tried for baby with the result of 2 miscarriages and after those I just didn't get pregnant anymore. Secondary infertility, in other words. We are currently pursuing adoption from China. Talk about a thing I never ever thought I'd be doing.

I feel pain on the issue of being childless. I could say quite a bit, but I'll leave it at that because I don't want to upset anyone by being here because I'm also a birthmom. (((hugs))) to all.