[poohbear1208]

Hi, our social worker just called us regarding a potential situation. Birth mom is due Dec. 4 and drank 3-4 drinks a couple of times a week until August. This seems excessive to me, but I don't really know anything about FAS. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

[joskids]

It depends on so many factors, as I have researched it also. Is this birthmother's first child? Seems that drinking mothers who have more children, it's more likely that the younger children will have the FAS because her drinking is likely to increase. Also, it depends on at what month she began to drink. I've been surprised to learn that beer strongly affects the fetus, and also depending on how big the mother is. I wish I had a more definitive answer for you, but from what I have studied, these are a couple of the things I have found. Get as much information as you can before you make your decision.

Josie

[heartbeat]

Hi poohbear,

I wouldn't be real pleased hearing that news, and after muttering a few choice words, I'd probably get online and start researching it. So...I found a couple of sites that should be extremely reputable with regard to reliable information - the CDC and the Nat'l Org. on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Be patient with yourself. It can get very frustrating to find that in order to understand one sentence, I have to look up definitions for 5 words, but it gets easier as I go along.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, NCBDDD, CDC

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, birth defects at NOFAS

This seems like one of those issues on a continuum. At one end is the much-preferred abstinence, and at the other is full-blown alcoholism and drinking possibly a fifth per day, every day, or more.

What's done is done. I'd talk to the social worker again after doing enough research that I could ask relevant questions.

I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking 3 yrs ago. One of the things that concerns me is that she's admitting to 3-4 drinks, a couple of times/week until August. I can't speak for her, but I know from personal experience as well as talking to others who were also quitting, that what we admitted to and the truth didn't always match up - especially if we had reason to feel badly/guilty/ashamed.

Right now it's not about recriminations. She shouldn't have, but did. So, research as to damage; what kind, if any; how much damage, if any; short or long term, etc. For now, assume that the amounts, frequency and duration that your social worker gave are accurate. When you feel fairly knowledgeable about it or feel you can find your way around a site and have a vague idea about the lingo, then I'd call the social worker again and see what other info is available.

One thing I've learned about the internet is not to be shy about asking for info. If I've done what I can and learned what I could find out, but want more from experts, I'll write to whoever's on the other end of that "Contact Us" that you see on almost every site. So if worse comes to worse, write to the sites I linked and ask them questions. I always ask what I want, and add something like "or can you direct me to where I might get more information". I've found that most organizations/people are willing to help if I'm patient and respectful.

I hope this helps. {hug}

heartbeat [edit: When you talk to the social worker again, you might let her know the importance of knowing how much drinking the mom was doing, (and has she stopped completely) because that's the info of primary importance. Assure her that it's not to use against anyone, but you need complete honesty in order to answer your own questions]

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by poohbear1208

Hi, our social worker just called us regarding a potential situation. Birth mom is due Dec. 4 and drank 3-4 drinks a couple of times a week until August. This seems excessive to me, but I don't really know anything about FAS. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

THe other gals who posted before me said it so well that I don't have much to add except to second what Heartbeat said about what is admitted and what is reality. From me experience (two adoptions), what was admitted about substance abuse during pregnancy prior to birth was not what was actually revealed following the birth of our children.

THere are so many factors to take into account. Really, it could be nothing, depending on how much she really drank, the timing of it, her metabolism, even if there were other substances involved. But it also could be EVERYTHING. I have learned that if you open yourself upto these situations, you have to be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. One drink can do lots of damage, much drinking very little. It's a gamble, however you look at it.

So far, my kids seem okay, although they both have already faced challenges even at their age. But from the early intervention specialists we have seen, the counseling we have received pre/post placement we know that we won't know with certainty about what effects our kiddos have in total until maybe early teens, when they start having to make independent, logical choices.

We took the risk based on what we were told and found out later that there was more substance use than initially thought. That was HARD. BUT... I am Momma to two of the most AMAZING, WONDERFUL little people I have ever met. I wouldn't change a thing. It doesn't mean we don't live with a boatload of uncertainty, but we are hoping that they will be well.

I do believe there is hope as I know that even though the alcohol consumption can physically change things in the brain I also believe that the environment and special attention that a child receives can be an intervening factor in helping kids reach their full potential.

Gotta go... my Bug just got home...

[sanielsen]

I would ask for her and the babies medical records and make an appointment with a pediatrician to review them. That will give you a better idea of what you are looking at.

[Linny]

We adopted two boys that were diagnosed as FAS and FAE. Both had LD, and ADHD type behaviors (impulsivity, difficulty in retaining information, etc). But, there was also severe abuse involved with the oldest....so I know this came into play as well.....

Just to throw in.....The oldest had the 'poster look' of FAS and the younger had some facial features, but not as pronounced. They both had further physical problems. The oldest had to have open heart surgery when he was a pre-schooler; had some structural problems in his spine (though not severe). The younger had an eye that turned inward (which seems to be a common thing with FAS/FAE kids too, I'm told). He began wearing glasses at the age of three, and it is a strong prescription. But, it works for him and he does well (and always did) in wearing his glasses.

I've been told, and have read that it is sooo individual. What might affect one baby inutero, might not cause much harm to another. As another poster stated, it IS a gamble, and one should be prepared for 'the worst', I think.

However, keep in mind too though......the early intervention and environment will surely help a lot too. At least you know where you're coming from on one hand, and that would surely be a help to some degree.

Best of luck to you.......

Sincerely,

Linny

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by sanielsen

I would ask for her and the babies medical records and make an appointment with a pediatrician to review them. That will give you a better idea of what you are looking at.

It is good advice to seek medical expertise where there are questions like these. I'm just a MOm who's done lots of research, lol but I can say that from my experience, I'm not so sure that there will be medical records to be reviewed. In many (not all of course) situations where there is substance abuse in pregnancy there is also very little prenatal care. And, the effects of alcohol on a baby would not be known prior to birth. If I read the OP right, this child is not due til December.

They only way to know at birth (not before) that a child has some effects is facial features. Linny also spoke from her experience about that. But many, many cases with a varying level of exposure and a varying level of effect are not able to be physically diagnosed. And at times, kids without physical marker of FASD can have more severe effects than those with them. It is a truly a "wait and see" situation.

Also, if seeking a medical consult, it would be a good idea to find someone who has expertise in assessing and treating children with FASD/FAE.

[poohbear1208]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think we are going to pass on this situation. It just doesn't feel right. We are open to some alcohol exposure, but 2-3 times a week for the first 5 months of pregnancy seems like there could be an alcohol problem with the mother. She also said that the b-father is currently in treatment for alchol addiction, so we are thinking they both probably have substance abuse problems. I am sure the right situation will come along for us- I just don't think this is the one. Thanks so much for all of your info!

[Linny]

Pooh:
I think you have made a good choice for your family. Maybe someone else said this too, but I'll second then, that 'if it doesn't feel right for you, don't proceed'.

In reference to the facial features and the extent of the damage...'blessed' made a good point: ... that so often the damage cannot be assessed until much later.

We turned down a situation a couple of years ago where the baby was already born (premie), and birthmom had already relinquished her rights and left the hospital. He was born with drugs in his system---which we felt we could deal with. He had no withdrawal symptoms.....was 'seemingly healthy' and doing very well in the NICU. --Was to be released within the next two weeks, and the hospital MD's were offering to allow me a lot of accomodations to be with him until his hospital release.
One major thing kept us from saying, 'yes'. Birthmom had admitted to a lot of alcohol use during the pregnancy. The caseworker did not feel it was 'proper' to inquire about the extent of the use. (We felt this was negligent on the cw'er's part.) Because we could not even know whether the use was moderate, minor or extensive, we turned the situation down.
Dh was not so sure, and we discussed this wee one for the next two hours while driving home. I've never regretted our decision to say 'no'; and I know another couple were thrilled to adopt him.
But, it just didn't feel 'right' inwardly. THAT was a huge deciding factor for me.

Hang in there. Your baby will find you.

Sincerely,

Linny

[joskids]

I think you made the right choice for your family. It will feel right in your heart when your child comes to you. We have adopted four times, sometimes with very precarious beginnings, but in our hearts we knew it was right for various reasons. And all four of our children are doing beautifully and were meant to be in this home. The same will happen for you. It's hard to trust that in the position you are in right now. It's VERY HARD to say "no" to a situation and not go over and over it in your head. So for now, try to look to the future and not the past. That child will find the right family and your child will find you. Be blessed.

Josie

[heartbeat]

Hiya, Poohbear,

Bottom line is - whatever you decide, is what's best for your family.

One thing that bothered me when I skimmed an article was the very down-to-earth reminder that when mom's tipsy or high on drugs, so is baby. Alcohol is technically a poison and it destroys brain cells. I don't think I'd want a poison floating around in the sea of dna and the many types of cells all trying to get together correctly with a complexity that we can't even begin to fathom.

I love this quote, whether it's true or not: It'll all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end.

peace, heartbeat

[poohbear1208]

Love that quote heartbeat. I am going to pass that on!

[heartbeat]

Glad you like it - me too! It's as if it's saying...wait! don't give up yet...there's this one last quote we can try!

heartbeat