[Ladyofmoonlight]

I'm really not sure where to post this, but I needed to get it off my chest and I figured this was the best place to do it.

DH and I are at the very beginning of the process; we've picked an agency and have requested our homestudy packet. We're hoping to bring home a sibling group from Ethiopia. I've always just felt a "calling" to adopt internationally, and this program seems right to us.

DH was talking to a relative of his several days ago and he mentioned the adoption to her. We haven't seen her for awhile so she didn't know our plans. Anyway when DH got off the phone he informed me that she had told him she'd see "what she could do."

See, this relative is a nurse, and she works at a hospital where many women "from broken homes" have babies. She was going to see if she could "hook us up."

I was a bit too stunned at the time to say anything but later on talked to DH about the (lack of) ethics involved in having a nurse solicit women for their babies to give to a relative hoping to adopt. DH, of course, agrees that it's wrong.

It just makes me feel ill to think about it. I really, really hope this woman was joking. I'm not very close to her and I certainly won't call her to ask about it. I most definitely will not take any child she could "hook us up" with. I just feel so awful about it. There's a nurse in a hospital potentially trying to talk mothers out of parenting their children to "help" us. I feel even worse about the way she apparently views these women.

I really don't want to start any sort of argument as I'm very non-confrontational, but this is seriously bothering me. It's still possible she was joking but DH said she sounded serious. I'm just worried and wondering if I should do something.

Any suggestions? My "plan" right now is to do nothing and hope this all goes away, but I still feel sick thinking about it.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Ladyofmoonlight

I'm really not sure where to post this, but I needed to get it off my chest and I figured this was the best place to do it.

DH and I are at the very beginning of the process; we've picked an agency and have requested our homestudy packet. We're hoping to bring home a sibling group from Ethiopia. I've always just felt a "calling" to adopt internationally, and this program seems right to us.

DH was talking to a relative of his several days ago and he mentioned the adoption to her. We haven't seen her for awhile so she didn't know our plans. Anyway when DH got off the phone he informed me that she had told him she'd see "what she could do."

See, this relative is a nurse, and she works at a hospital where many women "from broken homes" have babies. She was going to see if she could "hook us up."

I was a bit too stunned at the time to say anything but later on talked to DH about the (lack of) ethics involved in having a nurse solicit women for their babies to give to a relative hoping to adopt. DH, of course, agrees that it's wrong.

It just makes me feel ill to think about it. I really, really hope this woman was joking. I'm not very close to her and I certainly won't call her to ask about it. I most definitely will not take any child she could "hook us up" with. I just feel so awful about it. There's a nurse in a hospital potentially trying to talk mothers out of parenting their children to "help" us. I feel even worse about the way she apparently views these women.

I really don't want to start any sort of argument as I'm very non-confrontational, but this is seriously bothering me. It's still possible she was joking but DH said she sounded serious. I'm just worried and wondering if I should do something.

Any suggestions? My "plan" right now is to do nothing and hope this all goes away, but I still feel sick thinking about it.

Well... if it were me, I would ask your DH to call her and let her know you aren't interested in what she was suggesting, making it clear your feelings on that matter. If she is doing this, it could make a very difficult situation for some young women facing difficult circumstances. I for one would call and nip this in the bud.

[randloar]

Just asking (not trying to defend her, but asking the question), could she be simply using poor terminology and really needs you to help her understand that this isn't how adoptions work? Is there any way she is just trying to be helpful, and not necessarily "talk a woman out of parenting" but is in her way "trying to help" by checking into it at her work. Independant domestic adoptions happen this way (by word of mouth) with regularity without coercing or talking her into this choice, and if it was something you were interested in you could make sure to include counseling and any other means needed to ensure that the proper avenues were taken so that the mother made a decision of whether or not to parent from an informed standpoint?

Please, before I get attacked, realize that I do agree that someone (you or your hubby) need to talk with her before she goes any further (in case she really does think it is that easy to do by "hooking you up") but I also see that given how removed others are from this process (and how media portrays it as well ) that people in general tend to not understand at all how sensitive this is and that there are the proper ways of going about things.......?

Could this be an opportunity to enlighten her as to an alternate way to view the women she meets that are expecting and questioning if they want to parent at this time (with respect and compassion maybe?? rather than as an opportunity???)....

Again, I am sorry if I offend, I just hear what you say and think she is ignorant, not necessarily malicious......

[ContactChar]

Just hazarding a guess here. . .

Maybe she didn't mean anything nefarious at all. Maybe she meant that in her line of work, she sometimes meets women who decide on last minute placements, and if that happened again, that she would let them know about you. If that's what she meant, I don't think that's so bad. It's just networking with someone who happens to see more situations than other networkers. Once a decision to place has been made, what's the harm in her letting a woman know that you are looking for a child? I'm not too keen on her characterization of the women she meets, but there's nothing you can do about that. As long as she conducts herself in an ethical manner, I would think you could ignore the backwards opinions she might hold.

Of course, I could be wrong. She might really have meant "hook you up." It's just hard to imagine someone really saying that and meaning it!!! (I guess that's your point.)

Char

[Persephone76]

Originally Posted by ContactChar

Maybe she meant that in her line of work, she sometimes meets women who decide on last minute placements, and if that happened again, that she would let them know about you.

This is what I was thinking she meant?

[Linny]

Maybe she didn't mean anything nefarious at all. Maybe she meant that in her line of work, she sometimes meets women who decide on last minute placements, and if that happened again, that she would let them know about you. If that's what she meant, I don't think that's so bad. --ContactChar

I fully agree! We know a nurse who works in the obstetrics section of the local hospital. She often helps in deliveries and has said that occasionally, birthmothers are wondering about 'who to call, what to do because they don't want to parent their baby..'

The same hospital is known to call our adoption attorney in the middle of the night for discussion with a birthmother as to 'who would parent my baby'.
As someone else already said, 'this is networking'....though I agree, it must be handled well and with additional counseling.

Still, one of our babies came to us in just this way.....though not through this nurse or the adoption attorney.....but the birthmother asked to speak with someone at our agency right after DD was born. I do not think these kinds of scenarios are that uncommon.

Relax, and consider this another way to network. I highly doubt if any nurse would take the risk of losing her job by trying to sway a PBM into placing her baby, KWIM?

Sincerely,

Linny

[sanielsen]

I work at a hospital and we have very strict policies regarding employees adopting babies being born (if an employee finds out a woman is considering adoption, we aren't allowed to try to sway her our way). Protocol is that one of our social workers is called in, the social worker calls a local adoption attorney and the process is followed from there. The relative might have meant that she will put in a good word with the adoption attorney or professional her hospital uses and just used poor terminology.

I think that the important thing to remember is that the right babies come to us for a reason. This could be a potential avenue for you, given that the relative follows her hospitals protocol.

Good luck to you!

[happygmom]

Yes, they will risk their jobs because thier jobs are not on the line. The hospitals support that activity because they often act on the behalf of the doctors and their friends looking for adoptable children.

When my daughter gave birth, we knew right away that one of the nurses was looking for a HWI. She did everything that she could to undermine our daughter's competence as a mother, including trying to keep her from having access from her son and blocking her breast feeding consultation. My husband had to have a big ole fit to get her son released for our family visit. I suspect she was also responsible for the unrequested visit from social services who urged adoption. We reported her but I am sure she is still there.

Happy G'Ma

[happygmom]

AND ...

HIPPA laws makes it illegal for medical practicies to release patient information, EVEN for single pregnant women. In the past doctors "had dibs" on the babies of single pregnant patients but HIPPA laws are hopefully making that power a thing of the past. My daugher and I went to her first appointment armed with HIPPA laws and the name of our family attorney. Sad but necessary given what I have read on adoption forums and personal experience. I have a colleague who brags about how easy her adoptions were because her husband is a doctor. GAG!!

Happy G'Ma

[karaleah]

What is WRONG with people??

I would be furious if I found out my (single, young) niece - who was willing and able to parent - was being pressured to place either of her children, esp. by medical "professionals".

Sometimes people really suck. I'm sorry your daughter had to deal with that garbage. Thank God you were there for her.

Shari

Originally Posted by happygmom

When my daughter gave birth, we knew right away that one of the nurses was looking for a HWI. She did everything that she could to undermine our daughter's competence as a mother, including trying to keep her from having access from her son and blocking her breast feeding consultation. My husband had to have a big ole fit to get her son released for our family visit. I suspect she was also responsible for the unrequested visit from social services who urged adoption. We reported her but I am sure she is still there.

[sanielsen]

Happy G'Ma, that is AWFUL!!! I'm so sorry that happened!!!
I'd be writing a letter to the CEO, the VP of Patient Care Services and the Director of the Birthing Center. I would suspect that the hospital would be quick to change their policies!!!

[jillned]

Our agency is the agency that the local hospital SW calls when they get a PBM. It does have to go through all the proper channels and the hospital SW'er is usually the first to get involved. A nurse can't just step in and say "oh, I know a family.............."

[Linny]

(To the post above me, Exactly!) There are a lot more channels these things must pass through before someone makes the decision to place. Even though one of the birthmothers to our babies had talked to the hospital SW, and had talked to the agency SW...the hospital SW continued to try to sway her into parenting the baby. She did not want this for the baby or herself; but there was a LOT of discussion with the SW'ers before anything was signed.

Sincerely,

Linny

[kelceesmom]

We have several friends who in OB and my mom is a nurse and they all said they would "keep theirs ears open in case they heard anything" They would never do anything morally or illegal, so, I would say maybe she just wasn't using good terminology. I personally would take a lead from almost anywhere as long as I knew it was on the up and up and the pbmom was getting counseling or whatever she needed to make the decision.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by Ladyofmoonlight

DH was talking to a relative of his several days ago and he mentioned the adoption to her. We haven't seen her for awhile so she didn't know our plans. Anyway when DH got off the phone he informed me that she had told him she'd see "what she could do."

See, this relative is a nurse, and she works at a hospital where many women "from broken homes" have babies. She was going to see if she could "hook us up."

I was a bit too stunned at the time to say anything but later on talked to DH about the (lack of) ethics involved in having a nurse solicit women for their babies to give to a relative hoping to adopt. DH, of course, agrees that it's wrong.

This is extremely disturbing to me.. to hear this STILL goes on. 27 yrs. ago I was one of those young "women from broken homes" and unmarried... EASY PREY for a "professional" (doctor, lawyer, social worker, nurse... in my case it was a doctor). I think what this nurse is doing is unethical, solicitous, arrogant (probably thinks others deserve this child more than the child's mother) and WRONG.

I'm an RN and in the 5 years I worked in L&D and newborn nursery - this kind of activity was unheard of where I was (a NYC hospital with a primarily minority population). Also, in my time there I had not ONCE heard a mother saying she didn't want to parent or request to see a social worker for adoption purposes. Something is very wrong with this picture. You are right to be as concerned as you are. I feel my heart racing and my head aching just reading about this.