[Leigh131313]

I have been noticing that most posts lately have focussed on open adoptions. I'd love to hear some stories about your closed adoptions.

What do you like best about being closed?

What do you wish you could change?

Would you still chose closed if you had an option?

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?


I don't mean for this to be a debate of open vs closed. I would just like to hear some different adoption stories. Please tell me from your own personal experience.

Thanks!!

[Linny]

A little history about our 'closed-type' adoptions. The first two were infants adopted from overseas while we lived there. One baby had absolutely no info available at all. The other had a ton of info (including extended bio family names and addresses). Neither allowed for any contact with biological people. Both are now grown and successful adults. Neither has had any desire to search for their biologicals. Both have said that 'they feel no reason to do so'.

The next three were system older child adoptions. TPR's were due to abuse.

The last two (and hopefully, not the last babies)......included one that was semi-open for the first few years; and another that had no contact whatsoever. Both of these involved a lot of information about the baby and the biological parents. At my request, for one baby, we entered into a semi-open agreement for the first few years.


What do you like best about being closed?

As long as there is information about the child/baby......and the birthparents have basic info about us, then the advantage is that we feel the baby/child can bond more easily to the adoptive family. There is the freedom for the 'one day grown' child to make his/her own choice about whether they wish to contact (which we have always supported big time) as an adult. Let me say too, we don't feel that fully closed is always the best route either. For us, it has been. But, I can understand some issues for more open adoptions.

What do you wish you could change?

The concept held by some, that 'closed adoptions' mean the biological or adoptive parents have something to hide or be afraid of. There are as many reasons for a bioparent to choose 'closed' as there are for more open options. Additionally, 'closed' does not mean that my children 'suffer' or have the 'supposed denial of their primal wound'.

Would you still chose closed if you had an option?

Absolutely. The only thing we would hope, would be that the biological parents would know the make-up and basic info about our family; and we would know the basic info about them

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?

That 'closed adoptions' do not mean the covert and dishonest practices of many years ago. Just because someone (whether the biological parent or the adoptive parent) desire this, does not mean they have something to hide (or are afraid of). It also doesn't mean that we don't talk about adoption and biological beginnings with our children; or that we believe adoption is something to be hidden! In fact, I suspect our family has discussed and does discuss adoption more than most families do!

Sincerely,

Linny

[2manyks]

Our first adoption was closed. We learned about the birthparents through a trusted friend/lawyer. she learned about us through the same friend. we did get a medical history and names. we never talked or met. she chose not to see the baby at birth. i wish i could have told her thankyou and that i loved her for making us a family. i sometimes wish i could tell her how good DS is doing. my DS is great and well adjusted and doesn't care that he's adopted. We never hid his adoption story from him. just because an adoption is closed with the birth family, doesn't mean it's closed in our own family. both sides shared their adoption, just not with eachother.

[bagletkt]

Our adoption is closed due to the wishes of the bparents. We never spoke with them. They did not view our profile.

What do you like best about being closed?

I knew I would never be comfortable with an open adoption. I felt like I could keep in contact with the bparents but I did not think I could have vistits. I cannot explain why I just would not be comfortable with this.


What do you wish you could change?

I wish we would have been able to meet DS baprents. I cannot explain why. It may be selfish but I just wanted them to know who they were placing their son with. I wanted them to know that we woul be good parents.

Would you still chose closed if you had an option?

I would love to have a semi-open adoption. We have told our agency we would love to do this if the bparents ever changed there minds. Im our next adoption I would do closed if that is what the bparents would want.

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?

The only thing I can say is to be fair with the bparents. Be completely honest about the level of openss you are willing to accept. We would have been completely willing to do a semi-open but they wanted it closed. I do not think it is a bad thing. Just different.

[traceyk]

I know you specifically asked about closed, but we are in the middle, we have a semi-open. Where b-mom would know us only by first name and not location and there is no physical contact, we just send pics and letters twice a year for 18 years. But that is if she wanted it, however F wants nothing to do with any of it and it is only semi-open because our agency doesn't do closed.

What do you like best about being semi-open? We don't have to have physical contact and she doesn't know our location. I know she could find us if she really tried, but she won't.

What do you wish you could change? I wish I didn't have to send the letters and pics since she doesn't even pick them up and we never met her. She didn't even choose us, she gave birth walked out and let the agency do the rest and has made it clear she doesn't want to know anything. But it was an agreement and someday Drihan will get to have all of those for herself, so that is important

Would you still chose semi-open if you had an option? Yes, or even closed. But the circumstances surrounding my daughters conception,the pregnancy and birth are so horrible, I might feel differently if they were different.

What would you like people to know about semi-open? It is great if you still want some contact, but not too much.

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

What do you like best about being closed?

What do you wish you could change?

Would you still chose closed if you had an option?

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?

Thanks!!

What do you like best about being closed?
What I like best is that it protects my son from being contacted by his birth family until he is an adult and can choose for himself. Since he was neglected, possibly abused and abandoned all by the age of 7 months, I think that's important for him. He gets a chance to grow up first and then decide whether he wants to contact them or not.

What do you wish you could change?
I wish he had more medical information. Both birth parents were asked to complete a form with background and medical information, and both left most of the form blank, only filling in some very sketchy information.

Would you still chose closed if you had an option?
Given my son's circumstances, definitely. As for myself. I would be comfortable with a semi-open arrangement in other circumstances. But I don't think I would want a fully open adoption.

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?
That people can grow up healthy and happy in a closed adoption. In addition to my son, I have four adopted cousins and I had two adopted gradparents (my mom's mom and my dad's dad). I think we hear SO much negativity about closed adoptions, and none of the positives.

[Rydersierra]

This thread is very interesting to me, as DH and I have just been presented a possible closed situation today. The expectant mother wants the agency to choose the adoptive family for her.

Do you think expectant women are more likely to follow-through with placement in closed situations, less likely, or no difference?

[crick]

What do you like best about being closed?
It allowed for a true attachment and complete focus on my kids.

What do you wish you could change?
Medical info and I wish I could truly assure (prove) my dd that her bmom is alive and okay.

Would you still chose closed if you had an option?
Not completely closed in the sense of no contact information at all.

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?
That just because it's closed doesn't mean it's because a parent is insecure or feel threatened. One doesn't need physical contact to feel these things, if thats an issue. I'd also like people to know that just because it's closed, it doesn't necessarily mean SECRECY. Doesn't mean the kids don't know about their bparents or that we don't honor their bparents.

[lisa in venice]

Probably not what you are looking for but here goes:What do you like best about being closed?

Given that it was the only way our agency did adoptions back in the day I am gratful to have my ds but besides that it has not been so great for usNot much. I guess it is less complicated at the holiday time when we try to see all of our family but really it has not been as

What do you wish you could change?

I would have tried to find the birthfamily within the first few months to giv them the option of contacting us. Ds would have really liked that. I think that some birthparent go into an adoption plan thinking that they want closed or thinking that that is the only option but a few years later might want something different


Would you still chose closed if you had an option?
Yes if the situation was right. Sometimes closed adoptions are the best solution but having done both I think when possible open works better for my family and certainly for my kids so far.

What would you like people to know about closed adoptions?


Each adoption is unique and what works in one situation is not the best thing in another. I would tell people to be flexible and don't make assuptions about a family's motivations based on the level of openness in their adoptions but then again I could say the same thing about open adoptions as well.

lisa