[maviskat]

Hubby and I are anxiously awaiting our first adoption (hopefully in a few weeks as we are matched with a young couple!! ) and are hoping to have and maintain an open adoption with the birth parents. Obviously, much is still to be discussed as to how much and what kind of contact. The birth parents at this stage have expressed a desire for pixs and letters as well as maybe getting together a couple of times a year. We would be very happy with that sort of arrangement.

Here is my question for those of you who have gone before us.....Did the open adoption plan you made end up being what you have today with the birth parents? If the plan changed, was it more or less contact? I guess I am wondering if many birth parents who initially say they want to hear from or see us, find it too difficult after all is said and done and break off the contact? Just curious to hear everyone's thoughts.

Thanks,
Kathy

[Leigh131313]

In my situation...

We did not have a legally binding agreement. In our "morally binding agreement" we agreed to a very minimum, but were open to way more.

When this new chapter of our lives started, i honestly thought we'd have WAY more contact than we do today. However, we do still have more than what we initially agreed to.

I think you'll find - just as with ANY relationship - you'll have periods of more contact and periods of less..kwim?

[SchmennaLeigh]

In ours we had more contact now that I (firstmom) initially thought that I wanted. It slowly evolved into what it is today with both sides contributing ideas and desires. It wasn't a "INEEDYOUTODOTHISFORMENOW" from one side or the other.

[taramayrn]

We also had a morally binding agreement, which did not specify the amount of visits or contact. I would say though we have more contact now than we did in the past. The contact and our relationship is so comfortable and relaxed too, I think that's the biggest change.

[mom2GRLC]

We adopted through fosotercare so when we first got into it we never imagined having open contact with our childrens birthfamileis when they came.

I adopted my son and had never met his birthfamily. I adopted my daughter in more of a closed type situation and then I was able to adopt my older daughter who we had fostered for a year and a half when her birthmom had to sign over her rights. By then i had participated in these forums for several months and knew open adoption was a possibility and could be healthy and positive for the child but I wasn't sure it wopuld really work int it's very open forms. When her birthmom signed over her rights we kinda jumped into contact without much thought. they knew and we knew that we had plans to move in the next few months so long term direct contact was never really in our future forecast.

But as time went by we didn't move (yet) and we continued to be more open despite some pretty big problems we were working through. We had some hard times where we had to back off some, but now we have a very open relationship. Just this month alone we've talked several times on IM, and have seen each other about 6 times.

We've also just started contact with my son's birthfamily. We met his grandma and cousin at chuck-e-cheese.

We're hoping to get in contact soon with my youngest sons grandma.

So in answer to your question we've had A LOT more contact than we ever imagined possible.

It won't always be this open. We are hoping to move out of state soon and when that happens our visits will be considerably less. But at least we are building a good relationship foundation to grow on.

I think it would be nice to come up with a (minimum) you feel comfortable and slowely build or maintain that. Jumping into contact to soon and to much may be difficult on everyone. Especially when you finally do have to pull back to find and develope what feels comfortable with your family and theirs.

[loveajax]

It has been sort of fluid for us. We have more contact than what we agreed to in the Open Adoption Agreement, and had even more when the baby was younger. It can be "uneasy" (for our situation) at times to figure out who wants more/less contact, and it can sometimes vary, but if you approach it with mutual respect, I am sure it will work out well!! GOOD LUCK to you!!

[bajj]

We are more open with our oldest son's first mom than the agreement. She didn't originally want any contact at all. She knew we were open to contact, though.

We haven't met my youngest son's first mom (by her choice). We send pics and letters to the agency and they are keeping them in a file for her when she is ready for them. She also knows we are willing to open the adoption up if she desires to one day.

The most important things to remember are to be honest and respectful, just like in all situations.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our agreement at the time of placement was "semi-open" - pix and letters at set intervals. Over time, our relationship has completely opened up. We've only had a couple of visits in five years simply because of geography, but we share phone calls and emails - not as regularly now as in the beginning. I think that's largely due to the girls' birthmom having had two more children and her life changing a great deal.

In my mind, it's become a lot like extended family - you love 'em dearly but only get together occasionally and are in contact on a hit and miss kind of basis.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by maviskat

Hubby and I are anxiously awaiting our first adoption (hopefully in a few weeks as we are matched with a young couple!! ) and are hoping to have and maintain an open adoption with the birth parents. Obviously, much is still to be discussed as to how much and what kind of contact. The birth parents at this stage have expressed a desire for pixs and letters as well as maybe getting together a couple of times a year. We would be very happy with that sort of arrangement.

Here is my question for those of you who have gone before us.....Did the open adoption plan you made end up being what you have today with the birth parents? If the plan changed, was it more or less contact? I guess I am wondering if many birth parents who initially say they want to hear from or see us, find it too difficult after all is said and done and break off the contact? Just curious to hear everyone's thoughts.

Thanks,
Kathy

Kathy... ours are very different than what I committed to. It is a matter of the circumstances that the first families of my kiddos are in, I guess. Or maybe I should say that it is very different than I thought it would be. It took me a long time to come around to the idea of openness and once I committed to and started the relationship with my kids' first families, I wanted to continue. It hasn't been that easy. I am working hard to maintain threads of contact in hopes that in the future Bug and Roo's first families will want more, even though the mutual relationship is not there right now.

I would only commit to the minimum you are willing to do and then build from there. What they are asking seems very reasonable and will give you lots of opportunities to get to know your child's first family.

Wishing you the best!!!

[lahdh4]

Ours is pretty vague. The only definate is that pictures are every other month, visits were left open no set number of visits a year.

[HBV]

We didn't really have much time to come to an agreement (met bmom the night before H was born) though we were open to contact. We were concerned about bmom's feelings and those of her parents so we gave a little more access in the beginning than I'd really had in mind, but it's evened out now. Now it just feels like extended family---they come to special events in H's life, we go to special events in hers, we see them about once a month and send new photos when we have them or call/e-mail if there's a major development.

My personal opinion is that if both the aparents and the bparents employ basic courtesy and kindness toward each other and take a long term view about what's best for the kiddo, the relationship will develop and balance itself naturally.

[lisa in venice]

We didn't have an agreement because we sort of agreed to play it by ear. That is probably not a good idea because people can end up on such differnt pages with alot of hurt feeling. In our case it worked pretty well because neither the birthfamily or I are good at schedules (euphamisim for both of us being flakey). We are totally ok with just dropping in. I think THAT would not work for most people but in our case we have personalities where we are totally spontaneous (drives our SOs crazy) and neither of us are particularly territorial about our Sam.

With our other open adoption it is more formal because it is new. While the adoption happened 14 years ago we only just reconnected last year. We still call and arrange times to get together. It takes more scheduling because I still feel like I need to devote my full attention to the visit. With Sam's birthmom she just goes with the flow. For instance with Rachel's birthmom I set aside a special time because it is still new and I don't want to be disrespectful. With Sam's birthmom if we are cleaning the house on Saturday afternoon and she is in the area she'll come over and fold towels and sort socks. If I have to spend the day at a swim meet near her house I'll call to see if she can meet us there and hang out for a couple of hours. I think the difference is that "A" is family and can see the warts but "T" is still a guest and we still want to put on a good show for her. I suspect that will change as the contact becomes more frequent. In a couple of months we'll have her folding towels too.

I would talk about what each of you are comfrotable with now and say that this is a first draft that can be revised at a alter date. Talk about the need or lack of need for a real schedule. There is no right or wrong only what does or doesn't work for all of the parties involved.

lisa

[Beth34]

When we first met DD's birthmom, we had agreed to letters, pictures and visits 2-3 times a year. Once we got to know her and as our relationship developed, we decided to get together for visits every other month. We usually just bring pictures on our visits. It was quite an adjustment for us because before DD's birth, we were getting together every two weeks and then every week for several months. So every other month may seem a lot to some people, but to us, it feels like a long time not to see her.
Good luck on your journey!

Beth

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by maviskat

Here is my question for those of you who have gone before us.....Did the open adoption plan you made end up being what you have today with the birth parents? If the plan changed, was it more or less contact?

Hi Kathy,

We signed a legally binding open adoption contract. The birth mother then used that contract to turn around and file multiple charges against us - including a rescission of the adoption. Also, fraud, allegations to have him placed in foster care, coercion, let's see what else? Truly there were so many outlandish and false allegations filed against us that it is staggering.

We have now had our son for over 4 (FOUR!) years and are still in and out of court - and, oh yes, the birth mother is not visiting. But she is keeping us in financial and emotional upheaval (she receives free legal aid).

There are open adoptions which work out great - and there are open adoptions that don't, like mine. In fact, we expect to go back to court again sometime soon - or whenever the lawyers and judges get finished with the latest motions.

I believe people need to know both the upside and downside so that they can adequately prepare. You do need to realize that, at least in our case, the birthmom can STILL come back and continue to file against us - and STILL has open a motion for rescission of the adoption and to get my child back.

In some cases it works, in others it is a never-ending nightmare. Please be careful.

Best of luck to you!