[noerose]

I have a question to anyone whether adopting, adopted or biological parents.
My situation is I have a two -year old son whose biological father has been absent since my son had just turned one. His biological father also has a 6 year old son whom he hasn't seen since the child was 2 weeks old and pays no child support. I tried very hard for him to be in my son's life but he is very unstable and is addicted to speed- which I was unaware- therefore the reason I left. I applied for child support in august 2005 and was granted in Dec. 2005. At this time my son still saw his biological father- who never kept a job, stole money from me, and repeatedly lied or had people looking for him for obvious reasons. He paid child support once in January- which was not the full amount, then quit his job, stole a vehicle from his boss, and was still doing drugs, with no place to live and no way to contact. Since then he is completley out of my son's life- which he doesn't seem to mind- I never have had a way to contact him, and I would never want him to raise my child.
Now, the question is....Is biology more important than a loving home and family? In my mind it is most important that a child is loved and knows so, whether they are adopted or not. It seems many people think that it is necessary and most important that a child must know- or know of, their biological parent. I think to be a parent you must earn that right- which in my son's case his father never did. I am now married and have one on the way. My husband and I are very excited, and my husband will soon be adopting my son. However the question remains in our minds- if our son never questions or asks is it necessary for us to tell him that his father is not his biological "father"? Why is it that so much emphasis is placed on biology and how will it affect my child one way or the other. I have known people in both situations, and I myself grew up w/o my mother. I knew, and it never made a difference. Then when I tried to contact her as a teenager she completley flaked out- which was a little hurtful- and honestly it would have never made a difference to me one way or another. Please feel free to list your opinions. My husband and I want to always make the best decisions for our children and our main focus is to provide them with more than they will ever need physically, financially, and emotionally.

[healingfeeling]

if our son never questions or asks is it necessary for us to tell him that his father is not his biological "father"?

speaking as an adult adoptee (from a step-parent adoption like your son)....you absolutely NEED to tell your son the truth about his dad being his adopted dad. If being adopted is not a bad thing then why are you keeping it a secret? Your son deserves to have ALL of his information.

[whitsunday15]

I agree with Healing Feeling. You definitely need to tell your son the truth. The truth ALWAYS comes out and if you tell him now, you have the chance to allow him to come to terms as he grows up, and to nurture his mind. If you do not tell him, and he finds out later (which he definitely will), you could ruin a relationship with him as an adult.
Whether a child's biology is ugly or perfect, it is that child's right to know the truth 100%.

[Dagz]

noerose,
i don't think biology is more important. and i know that children see those person as parents, who raise and love them, who support and are there for them physically and emotionally.
but in my opinion, you should not lie to your son about this issue. he trusts you, and wouldn't think that you would keep secrets from him. i don't think it will hurt him if he knows the truth. if his biological father walked out on him, then your son probable won't even care about him. maybe at one point in his life he might want to find him to find out why.
but if you keep this a secret, and he finds out somehow (who knows, his bio-father might contact him later in life), he will be hurt alot, and might even lose trust to you. but that is just my opinion.
good luck with your desicion...

[noerose]

I don't feel I shouldn't tell him- I actually feel kind of obligated because he is my son- the question more lies in why?? What exactly is the actual need to know if they never hear, see or feel for the bilogical parent?

[healingfeeling]

because it IS his biological parent and it is his RIGHT to know....the Need to know (for me at least) was very intense.....

[healingfeeling]

might I add that my biological father was NOT a model citizen....

he and i now have a great and loving relationship after being seperated for 25 years.

when someone asks me WHY I needed to know him I get angry....

[whitsunday15]

Originally Posted by noerose

What exactly is the actual need to know if they never hear, see or feel for the bilogical parent?

Your son will definitely SEE and FEEL his biological father. As he grows up he may start to look like his biological father, and show talents that come from his biological father. Just because a biological parent is not there physically, does not mean that the child does not know of their presence--even if the knowledge is unconscious.
It's just not fair to the child to not tell him of his biological father. Not telling him is emotional and psychological abuse.

[ContactChar]

I wouldn't go so far as to call it abuse, but I agree that you should tell him. Your son's biological father is a physical part of who he is. If you deny that part, by covering it up, you are in essence, denying a part of who your son is. When the truth comes out (if it's been kept a secret), your son may question not just your honesty, but your love for him as he is-- all parts of him. Otherwise, he might ask, why would you hide it?

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by noerose

What exactly is the actual need to know if they never hear, see or feel for the bilogical parent?

Because that person had a part in creating us and I as an adoptee feel the need to know my b-parents b/c they are a part of me.

I am in a similar situation. My son is 11, his dad and I split up when he was 1 1/2. Contact with his dad is off and on. His dad never was into drugs, but shorty after he got remarried and had his second child, he got caught messing around with a 17 year old. Apparently according to CPS so was his wife, whom I never liked anyway b/c my son came home one day with brusies on his arm. Yes I told the case worker and his dad did have custody of his daughter taken away, but they never did anything about my son.

I tried everything to get someone to listen to me. I called the Attorney General who handled the child support and their answer was, that the case had nothing to do with my son and I still had to let the father see the son. Well the charges were eventually dropped and him and the 17 year old took off and dissappered for awhile. His family refused to tell me anything b/c in their opinion was the same as the AG's office, it had nothing to do with my son. Well I'm sorry that I do not agree with my ex having rape charges against him and it was not a good enviroment for my son to visit. So I tried to hire an attorney and I got the excuse of there not being enough evidence. (mind you I did take pics of the bruises).

Well his dad finally showed up and is living with his grandmother and the 17 year old girlfriend. Not working, no child support, and I am still getting the run around with the AG's office. He is on probation for non payment, but guess what, they won't put him in jail, yet they will go after my husband for back child support and his kids are well above the age of 18.

I will let my son see his dad b/c they are living at grandma and his sister (the only one who told my the truth) lives down the street and she will pull my son out of the house if something goes wrong. The 17 year old is still there, she got pregnant and they placed the baby up for adoption. That hurt my son a lot b/c it was his only brother he has, but I explained to him the best I could about the situation even though it was not my job to do it.

I am now remarried and we have a soon to be 4 year old daughter together. My husband is more of a father to my son than his dad, but he, by no choice of his own, was an absent father and he feels as strongly as I do about letting my son have contact with his dad. My son loves his dad no matter what, even when his dad never calls or shows up for a birthday or special event in his life. I tell myself that one of these days when he gets older he is going to see his dad for who he really is. He already does in little ways now, but I am dreading the day when he fully realizes b/c I will be the one to pick up the pieces.

One of these days when he grows up, he will be curious to know his dad and when that time comes around, just let him know everything. Hopefully he will realize how his dad really is and lose interest.

[noerose]

i agree with you- and I just want to make it clear , the reason the biological father is not in the picture is his own choice and doing- if he ever did com back I know he would just constantly lie and let my son down, among other things....and keep in mind he has a 6 year old as well and that child's mother never plan's on telling him..........however my main question still has not really been answered if there is one....How is it beneficial if my son grows up in a loving home with 2 parents that love him very much ?? He would never know the difference anyways, and if he ended up not caring then why would it matter??? This is the part I really don't understand. Granted if my son where ever to ask, or had questions I will definatley tell him, but I don't feel if we later made a decision not too ,,that would be lying. How is it lying really- it doesn't hurt him, and honestly his father now does kind of worry about my son not accepting him if he does know- so that is a main part of our query as well. I do want my son to know everything eventually, I just wonder how much of a difference it actually makes?? what about the people who never know?? How does anyone know if he grew up not knowing-- then what's the difference????? how is it beneficial or detrimental to my child one way or another??

[healingfeeling]

you will find many people on here who didn't find out until they were adults and they were DEVESTATED and felt that they were LIED to and MANIPULATED...

how do you feel that we are not answering your questions?

....and keep in mind he has a 6 year old as well and that child's mother never plan's on telling him..........

that stinks too because that is your son's brother....

if you are looking for validation to NOT tell your son you have come to the wrong place. Most posters on this forum whether they be amoms, bmoms or adoptees will tell you that honestly is always the best policy. Some of us adoptees are trying VERY hard to get past the "secrets and lies" involved in some adoptions....so what you're saying really hits me hard and I really hope you listen to us and realize that it DOES make a difference to have an open and honest relationship with your son. He will feel better about himself and about you and your husband if there are no lies and no negativity surrounding the story of his birth....if he finds out by accident some day he will probably resent you for keeping the truth from him.

[Sniffles]

i agree with you- and I just want to make it clear , the reason the biological father is not in the picture is his own choice and doing- if he ever did com back I know he would just constantly lie and let my son down, among other things....

I am afraid that my son will be let down too and I am dreading that day b/c my son loves his dad so much.

however my main question still has not really been answered if there is one....How is it beneficial if my son grows up in a loving home with 2 parents that love him very much ?? He would never know the difference anyways, and if he ended up not caring then why would it matter???

IMO if both of ya'll love him that much then it really doen't matter. He may grow up never caring about his father and he may never want to know him. The ironic thing is my son's dad had a father that treated him the same way. He was adopted by his step-dad and when he got older he did go and talk to his dad. He found out first hand how his dad was and hardly ever spoke to him again.

This is the part I really don't understand. Granted if my son where ever to ask, or had questions I will definatley tell him, but I don't feel if we later made a decision not too that would be lying. How is it lying really- it doesn't hurt him, and honestly his father now does kind of worry about my son not accepting him if he does know- so that is a main part of our query as well. I do want my son toknow everything eventually, I just wonder how much of a difference it actually makes??

If you deside not to tell him and he finds out he MAY eventually hate you for it. I have heard from many adoptees who were angry that their adoption was kept a secret. You right it doen't make a difference unless he finds out about it. IMHO I do not like keeping secrects from my children b/c I am afraid that they will find out.

what about the people who never know??

I do not know my birthparents. My b-mom refuses contact with me and I have accepted it. I do have contact with my grandparents and that helps with the pain from her rejection. I may never know my b-dad. My b-mom is not speaking to her parents b/c of me so she is not going to tell them anytime soon. When I found her name I felt a need to at least try and find her and attempt contact. I may never get to know any of them, but at least I tried.

How does anyone know if he grew up not knowing then what's the difference?
There are many adoptee out there who have found out by accident, most of the ones I have heard of were when the parent has died and they found the adoption papers. It is up to you to deside what to do, but I have one question: Would you rather be the one to explain to your son why he was adopted? or Would you rather have him find out with no way to explain the reason?

[noerose]

do you think my son will feel different with me and my husband and his new sibling -that's why I worry- i never said i wouldn't tell him- i probably will.....I just want to know how it helps..you obviously knew or found out and that is not the situation with everyone, if he never knew or found out how would that be bad--we love him shouldn't that be the real matter??? That's what is most important to me.....My question to you--( Healing Feeling)-- is if we raise him right and love him how is that bad??? i don't want him to feel different or rejected b/c he biologically comes from someone else...I don't want him to be hurt.

[whitsunday15]

Originally Posted by noerose

however my main question still has not really been answered if there is one....How is it beneficial if my son grows up in a loving home with 2 parents that love him very much ?? He would never know the difference anyways, and if he ended up not caring then why would it matter???

Honestly, I think that your question here has been answered a few times over. If you yourself are not adopted then you can never understand what it feels like. You are getting feedback from adult adoptees who had their adoptions swept under the rug and we are telling you the best course of action is to be open and honest. Otherwise, you may regret it later on down the line. Like Sniffles pointed out, the adoptees that come here that find out later in life about their adoptions are really, really angry at their entire families for keeping the secret.
It was bad enough that my aparents wouldn't acknowledge my biological history by letting me discuss it, but if they kept my adoption a complete secret and didn't tell me in the first place, I would consider that the ultimate act of betrayal.