[redbonec]

Hi!
Yesterday my daughter and I went to meet her birthmother and her mom for the first time since the birth (almost 8 weeks ago). We met at a mall between us, it was great visit, and we spent about 5 hours together (good thing it was a big mall!).

On occasion, bmom will make comments:
-while pushing stroller, says baby notices it's not her mommy pushing her (meaning she sees a new person and it's not me)
-she was holding her, store person asked about her, or makes a reference about her baby, bmom motions toward me and says it is my baby
-makes a comment about baby getting back to mommy (me)
-when she was holding her, I told baby she remembers that voice (bmom's), bmom said (with a smile) she doesn't remember

Before the birth, bmom would also tell the baby about the mommy and daddy she would have, and in the hospital constantly referred to us as mommy and daddy, and "your baby/daughter".

When out yesterday, I know she wants us to know we are the mommy and daddy, but I also don't want her to take herself completely out, as she constantly referred to me. Bmom did love her and care for her and worry about her 260 days or so before she was born, and then gave birth to her.

I feel stuck. I know she "relinquished" her rights as a parent, but also don't want her to make herself unimportant, or as though she had nothing to do with our daughter.

Your thoughts?

[Linny]

I've not been a birthmother; and only an adoptive momma....but from what you have posted, I could find no problems with her comments. It would sound as if this woman is simply verifying that she believes you are now the momma and what your role is.

From what you've written, I don't see that she is taking herself out of the picture, but more allowing for the reality of what the relationships now are. If she were not speaking to the baby, caring or holding this baby during your time together----I might understand cause for concern. But, it would seem that this lady is acting genuine and considerate of the baby and her role as it is now.

Maybe I'm wrong here. I haven't been where you are, and someone who has, may have a totally different view; but that's how I see it---limited in knowledge as it is.

Sincerely,

Linny

[loveajax]

redbonec,

I am sorry you are struggling with this. i remember that before my DD was born (at the end of may 05), Dh and I met met DD's birth mom and dad for dinner on mother's day, and she was upset that DH had not gotten me a mother's day present. and i was like, "but I'm not a mom, DD's birth mom, until you say so."

We then visitied with DD's birth mom at 6 weeks after birth, and birth mom (though of course she loved seeing/holding DD) was doing similar things to what your kiddo's birth mom was doing.....I think it is a coping mechamism, and I just think you need to allow her to do/say things she feels comfortable with...

I think it's great that you want birth mom to acknowledge what an important role she has...I bet some day she will.....Believe me, I know how hard this is all is, but just focus on the joy of your child right now, and it will all (I am sure) work itself out to a more comfortable place. K

[StorkWatcher]

I would also add that in your contact with her (letters, conversations) reiterate how you talk about her to your child.

We let our son's birthmom know that we think of her all the time, talk about her to our son, and pray for her. She may just need a little reminder that in all this hard work she's doing to remind herself that you are the mommy and reassure YOU, you're wanting to solidify her place in her child's life and reassure HER.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I have never called myself "Mom" or "Mommy" in front of Munchkin. I will not. That is D's title. I do not wish to confuse the Munchkin. When asked in public whose daughter she is, I point to D... who then points to me and we're often confused for a lesbian couple but that's another really funny story for another time.

She's probably doing it out of extreme respect for you and for her/your child. She is probably just doing what she was instructed by others is "right:" reaffirming your position as the MOM. She will eventually find her place in your child's life. Promise. It just takes awhile.

Glad you had a good time!! :-D

PS - She may not have wanted to tell a random store clerk that she was a birthmom. I still don't 3 years later.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Maybe she is trying to reassure you that she accepts you as her parents to put you at ease.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I would guess she's trying to affirm your role as Mom. I remember the first face-to-face visit we had with our girls' birthmom when they were almost six month sold. We were in a large room in a church with LOTS of her family and friends there. Basically, DH and I sat on the couch and watched them all interact with the babies, taking pictures, etc. After an hour or so, one of my daughters started to fuss and her birthmom said "Here, you go to Mommy now." She handed the baby to me, who then snuggled into my shoulder and went to sleep. It was a hugely affirming moment for me as the adoptive mom. I know now that it must have been very painful for C to say and do that, when she probably wished she could just hold on forever. But it was an indescribably precious moment for me, and I'm so grateful to her for that.

[redbonec]

I agree with all of your responses. It was what I was kind of thinking, but I just hadn't expected it the other day when it happened.

You confirmed what I was hoping and thinking. I didn't want to read too much into it, but also wanted to clear any questions.

She did not seem sad when she made the comments, was glad to spend time with dd, and is glad for us.

Thanks! I will not worry about it anymore.