[loveajax]

"Your daughter is sooooo lucky to have you!"

It is my biggest pet peeve. I know it's supposed to be "nice," but I usually reply, "Oh no! WE are the lucky ones!" I just hope people would not say this when she is older (she's only 16 months now), because I will throttle them.

Anyway, what are some things that drive you crazy about what people say to you when they learn/know your child is adopted?

[crick]

Love...hate to tell you this, but that's something I still hear with my kids 4 years later...and I just keep saying the same thing. "No, we are the lucky ones"...

What drives me crazy...

When I get the stumped look and head bowed down reaction as if it's something to be embarrassed about. I think adoption is a lot more common these days than before and we as a society are much more open about it so why is there still a bit of "Scandal" when people hear about it, kwim?

But, luckily...most of the time, people are really positive.

[proudmommyof 2]

I usually downplay it, since my oldest is 5 1/2, and kind of pretend I don't know the meaning behind it. I usually say, "I know. We are soo lucky to have EACH OTHER." I want it to be clear that I did my kids no favors by adopting them, without Dennis picking up on the negativity. People take the hint. Usually they meant well with it anyway-it just gets under my skin, too.

[NJNative]

I am always sorely tempted to say, "Do you think so? Even with the fact that we make him sleep in the garage, feed him only every other day and beat him regularly?" But I never actually say it...LOL.

Bugs me when people say, "Oh you are such wonderful people to adopt him?" Huh? Wonderful because we wanted to be parents and got this great kid? Another one that used to drive me nuts was "Why did his parents want to get rid of him?" Once again, I am sooooo tempted to say, "Well obviously because he's ugly" or bad, or stupid...pick one. But of course I never say THAT either.

Thank goodness, as your kid gets older the comments dwindle in frequency, if not in stupidity.

Robin

[loveajax]

NJNative, thanks for the laugh. Last night was one of those nights (admittedly rare) where DD was just driving me crazy so I tuned her out and plopped in front of the tv and made DH watch her all night. I think I will show people a videoptape of myself doing just that, and say, "you think she's lucky?!!!" haha

I have a boss (who's like a total millionaire) who had a bio kid 6 mos after I had DD. After his DD was born, he kept saying, "Gosh! I can't imagine EVER giving MY kid up." Those kinds of statements are sooo offensive on so many levels but I try my best to do some "education."

Crick and ProudMommy, I didn't know that stupid comment would continue!!! I will try my best to handle it nicely!

[mommamarci]

I also cannot stand it when people say he is lucky. We have had people saying that since we started the process. Now I am getting into a bit of a pickle. I am trying to find a way to include Cameron's first family in our daily lives. Usually this means at night we say God bless (insert every name: grandparents, aunts, cousins, first family.) The I say we are so lucky to have so many people to love and bless. I cannot decide if this is the same as when people say he is so lucky to have us. I try to say we, so he will know Mommy, Daddy, and Cameron are lucky to have so many people in our lives. I am just trying to find a way to reinforce how fortunate he is that he has a first family that loves him and a forever family that loves him. What do you all think? I don't want him to grow up feeling like he should be grateful to us. So glad I have some time while he does not comprehend my actual words to figure this out!!

[loveajax]

Marci, I think that is beautiful and a great way for Cameron to know that he is blessed and loved (not that he is "lucky" to have been adopted by you).

[HBV]

I hate that comment, too, and I also hate the extended version, which includes the "You're so wonderful to do that. I could never do that." when they find out the adoption is open and we see H's birthfamilies. I WANT to smack them, but instead I usually just shrug and say that if you recognize your limitations, sure enough, they're yours.

[loveajax]

HBV, I get, "You don't HAVE to see them, do you?" comment a lot. Honestly, I have not told a lot of people about the visits that we have with birth parents. I sort of feel like it is private, and if DD wants to share with people about it at some point, good for her (DD is only 16 mos though). I usually just try to say that we really care about DD's birth parents and that they are really wonderful people.

[bajj]

I can't stand it when people tell me my kids are lucky to have me, either. I always says, "O, we are so blessed as a family."

I also get so tired of hearing, "do you have any problems with their birthmothers?" Or "do their mom's ever come around?"

GRRRRRRRR....I won't even go there. I will educate people when I'm not too aggravated, but if they are rude or just plain stupid, I just have to walk off.

Society is so judgemental sometimes!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by loveajax

"Your daughter is sooooo lucky to have you!"

It is my biggest pet peeve. I know it's supposed to be "nice," but I usually reply, "Oh no! WE are the lucky ones!" I just hope people would not say this when she is older (she's only 16 months now), because I will throttle them.

Anyway, what are some things that drive you crazy about what people say to you when they learn/know your child is adopted?

Nothing really drives me crazy anymore I guess. I have comments for most things that people say. I realize they're usually trying to be nice, in their own way.

The comment you described used to bug me alot, but I just say this... "It has nothing to do with luck" (I don't believe in it...) and "we just feel blessed to be able to know her and be her parents".

THe one that bugged me for the longest time was when people would alway say "She looks just like you". I felt it minimized the credit her first parents deserve for having such an amazingly beautiful daughter. But truth is... she does look like me, even her first mom says so. She looks more like me than she does her first mom. It's crazy.

THe one thing I don't let go that really gets under my skin is "you deserve to be her parents, you've been through so much". Nope... we don't deserve this at all. No one "deserves" to be a parent. It's a privilege. I make that very clear.

[ourdreamcametru]

The biggest one for us is "Do you ever hear from her parents?" UGGGGGGGG I also hate, "Too bad she doesn't look more like your real kids!" I used to think what are people thinking but now I just think they DON'T! I am still trying to come up with a response to these stupid remarks, thankfully Castle is only two now so she doesn't understand.

[danhanan]

Ah yes...Hannah is 5 and we still hear that she's so lucky to have us, and yup, my response is the same...that we're the lucky ones.
The other comments that make my hair stand on end are: oh, does she know/see her real mother?
And my all time favorite is after giving birth to two and then adopting....oh, you did that one the easy way!!!
Those are the two comments that most make me want to spit!!!

[momdad2bee]

Okay - there are so many comments that just get under my skin I don't know where to begin.... but I think the one that bothered me the VERY most was at a family reunion this summer.
When we walked over to say hi to one of my aunts - she was talking with a distant cousin from out of town (one that we have never met) and introduced us as Tom & Jackie and this is their adopted daughter Isabella. I walked away because I didn't think it was the time or place to vent to her how unappropriate that comment was - I called her the next day and told her how I felt that she disrepected our daughter and my husband and I didn't appreciate it. I asked her that if we had a biological child and an adopted child - would she differenciate that one was bio and the other not!?!?!

We also hear how lucky my daughter is to have us ..... that is just so annoying! ALL three of us are lucky to have eachother!

And of course we get 1,000 questions about her Birthmommy and our current relationship with her.

Good topic!

Jackie

ps .... our daughter is only 6months old but we don't want to encourage/allow any negative comments because before we know it she will be old enough to understand.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by momdad2bee

Okay - there are so many comments that just get under my skin I don't know where to begin.... but I think the one that bothered me the VERY most was at a family reunion this summer.
When we walked over to say hi to one of my aunts - she was talking with a distant cousin from out of town (one that we have never met) and introduced us as Tom & Jackie and this is their adopted daughter Isabella. I walked away because I didn't think it was the time or place to vent to her how unappropriate that comment was - I called her the next day and told her how I felt that she disrepected our daughter and my husband and I didn't appreciate it. I asked her that if we had a biological child and an adopted child - would she differenciate that one was bio and the other not!?!?!

We also hear how lucky my daughter is to have us ..... that is just so annoying! ALL three of us are lucky to have eachother!

And of course we get 1,000 questions about her Birthmommy and our current relationship with her.

Good topic!

Jackie

ps .... our daughter is only 6months old but we don't want to encourage/allow any negative comments because before we know it she will be old enough to understand.

My mother constantly introduces my boys as her "adopted grandchildren." She's an adoptive mom herself, you'd think she'd know better! I have told her of some friends and how her dad used to do that and how upset it made her dd, and she still doesn't get a clue! I even told my dad, who didn't say anything. So, I've decided the next time she does it, I am just going to be point blank honest with her and she can just be angry if she wants to!