[crick]

bajj - are you a bio child of your mom?

If so, you might consider introducing her/yourself first and say "Hi, I'm bajj, Susan's vaginal delivery daughter"

[loveajax]

Crick, I LOVE it!!!

[StorkWatcher]

That's my #1 peeve - "He's so lucky...". And while I feel we're SO lucky to have been chosen to be his parents, I also feel it was meant to be by God. Not really any luck to it. It mostly bothers me because I've NEVER heard anyone say that to parents about their bio children.....

Also, I have mixed feelings about people saying my son looks like me. When our friend adopted their child, we were amazed at how she looked just like her dad's side of the family - she has a slightly older cousin who could be her twin! And I remember remarking on that. And when they also remarked that A looked like us, I didn't think a thing about it.

When someone in our families says it, I wonder if they're trying to feel a bigger connection to him.

But when it really bothers me, is when I get the feeling people we don't know well say it - as if they're trying to say - it's okay for him to be a part of your family. He looks like he belongs....

[loveajax]

I NEVER expected DD to look anything like us (she is biracial, and I am a pasty Irish-American) but honest to god she really looks so much like me. I have to say I think it is fun when people say that and seem in awe that it is possible!

StorkWatcher, I have the strong sense too that there was no "luck" involved, that this was just meant to BE. Also, I agree, have never, ever heard someone say about a bio kid, "He's so lucky to have you."

[atthelake]

I can relate to your post, storkwatcher. When we adopted our first son, everyone said he looked just like my husband. Admittedly, as he has grown (he is 3 1/2) he does have alot of my husband's mannerisms. He definitely is daddy's boy. Now with our second son people tell me he looks just like me. I appreciate the attempts to make our boys feel as if they were meant to be with us and I do know there is something special that happens to create that bond. I usually say, "Does that surprise you? I'm his mom."

Another thing I hate to hear "How was your pregnancy?" Once I was in a store with him and a cashier began asking about the baby. The questions were general at first and then she started asking about my pregnancy. I avoided answering them at first but then she insisted, saying " How did you loose the weight so fast? You must have done a lot of walking. Did you have heartburnm becuase he has so much hair." She would not stop. I finally had to tell her that he was adopted. Her face turned beet red and then she proceeded to say. " How did you manage to get a baby that looks like you." and "WHat a lucky boy." Some people just don't know what to say.

ATL

Mom of Two
DS - born 2/11/03, adopted 5/21/03
DS - born 7/7/06. in our arms 8/1/06

[dpen6]

As an adoptee I want to thank you all for hating that comment"your child is so lucky" I really hated that growing up, it made me feel so defiecent in some way. Yes, I WAS lucky in that I was adopted, my life was better but let me figure that one out and not all adoptees can say the same thing. I was not lucky in the fact I needed to be adopted in the first place. That was sad.

It is a sentiment that is very ingrained into our society. I was talking to an erdely person who has 2 nieces adopted from china. Theri picture was on her table and I commented on how cute they were. She agreed and said"I don't think they know how lucky they are"...I smiled and said yes, and I'll bet their parents are feeling pretty lucky too" Her head whipped around and gave me a puzzled look...she was shocked...I then just changed the subject.

I had a coworker ask me "What did your parents get out of adopting you?" ummm...A family???

[loveajax]

Thanks, Dpen!! I hate the whole "saving" mentality that people have about adoption (like you are "saving" the child from some horrible life or something....maybe you are, maybe you aren't. who knows?). Frankly, I feel like my daughter has really saved me (don't worry, I won't put that "pressure" on her, it's just how I feel internally!).

[julie23]

you all are amazing women... reading these posts... and your outrage , i found it ..comforting...

my daughters aparents let her know pretty regularly how "lucky" she was to have them... to be adopted.... she's twenty and i think would still tell you how lucky she was to be adopted... but she wavers a little now... we have been reunited for two years... she's not so confident of her "luck" anymore....

some of the stories they've told me ... that are those "cute" family stories that get repeated.... are unbelievable...

the dad told my daughter when she was six and asked if he loved her as much as his bio son... "yes, I do... and you cost a lot more... i still owe the bank. do you want me to take you back to the bank?" I think he expected me to laugh.... i was horrified.

the mother looked at me and told me about how great she was as a mom for "sticking by" my daughter during her difficult teen years.... and "never giving up on her".... like she should be commended...as a matter of fact... she then proceeded to tell me how the bio son DID commend her and compliment her for sticking with my daughter...

gee.... isn't that what moms do?????? does it ever occur to us to do otherwise? adopted child or bio child?

anyhow... your children are totally and completely blessed by your attitudes.... as are an awful lot of birthfamilies...

God bless you all....

julie

[julie23]

oh... about looking like your child... my daughter was dark skinned and dark haired.. and placed in a light haired, light skinned family...

tiring of people commenting on how her daughter did not look like her... they told me another "cute story"...

when people commented on the difference, the amom would look at them and say "well, Bob travels alot, you know?"

sigh....

j

[dawnrenee58]

OK, this is not in the same vein, but I have to vent a little. This thread is called it drives me crazy when people say...
I hated it today when the salesman in Art Van Furniture looked at my son today and said, "What is he?" I said, "HUMAN.", with more thab a little annoyance in my voice. Then the big moron says, "You know what I mean, where did you get him from?" I was HORRIFIED!!! I told him it was none of his flipping business, and was about to leave the store when I encountered the manager. The manager said he had seen it all and that I just got the wrong idea. This was said with his HAND ON MY ARM, like I was the little woman who needed to be calmed down. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I was so upset at that point that I had to leave to store or risk going to jail. I am going to call the corporate center on Monday, however, just to let them know that it WAS a big deal, and it hurt and angered me.

Don't mess with a mama when you insult her child........

[ContactChar]

Why don't you just adopt? (when I was TTC)

Why don't you just do IVF? (after I switched over to adoption) Note: this question was posed by some of the same people who thought I should "just" adopt!

What's the difference between a newborn and a baby who's 3 months/six months/12 months/18 months. . . a baby is a baby? This comment also comes in the form of "why don't you just adopt internationally" and my personal favorite (which I've gotten mostly AFTER my adoption was disrupted) "why don't you just adopt a baby through the state?" The fact that my choices are my choices and I chose this path SPECIFICALLY because I want a newborn seems to matter not at all.

Here's another good one: "As I mother, I know that. . . (fill in the blank)." I feel like I hear this beauty over and over again from my sister, usually to add validity to whatever point she is trying to make, while at the same time letting me know that I don't have the same authority to weigh in on the issue. The worst part is, I feel like I've heard it more than ever since I lost my baby, so it's kind of rubbing salt in that wound whenever she says "as a mother. . ." Ugh.

[Boulderbabe]

When people ask me "where'd you get him?" I have a standard answer---I just look them straight in the eye and say, "Ebay! Where'd you get yours?"

It seems like the politest way to say "None of your business."

[bajj]

Originally Posted by crick

bajj - are you a bio child of your mom?

If so, you might consider introducing her/yourself first and say "Hi, I'm bajj, Susan's vaginal delivery daughter"

LOL Crick! Yes, I am her bio daughter and I hadn't thought of that! I think that would shock her, but still not sure if she'd get it...but it's worth a try!

[bajj]

Originally Posted by julie23

oh... about looking like your child... my daughter was dark skinned and dark haired.. and placed in a light haired, light skinned family...

tiring of people commenting on how her daughter did not look like her... they told me another "cute story"...

when people commented on the difference, the amom would look at them and say "well, Bob travels alot, you know?"

sigh....

j

Julie, I am so sorry your daughter had to live through all of that. How horrifying! It sounds like her aparents don't "get it" even now.

Yes, you are right, people stick by their kids, regardless of bio or not. It's what you do as a parent!