[ahimsa]

OK...maybe I'm wrong here...but I'm wondering about the following two things. Let me know what you think...

1. Is it common to have a full blown shower for your second baby, who is only going to be born two years after your first...for which you had 4 showers that time???

2. If I am invited to a baby shower, to which I plan not to attend, am I obligated to get a gift?

Thanks for the input! I am a fan of social appropriateness and want to know what to do!

[tinktink]

Isn't that just so tacky! I don't think you need to give a gift if you don't attend. Just me, but come on - 4 showers? Overkill?

[txdragonfly]

Gee...I would say No and No. I mean, I know that some people are the social butterflies and people love to throw them parties...but come on!

[redbonec]

I know that baby showers are originally for giving new parents the many things a baby will need. I also always see it as a welcome to the baby. I think every baby deserves a special welcome to the world--showers can be a way to celebrate that with many people. I would think that with the second shower the big gifts (swing, high chair, or other things) would not be needed, but clothing, diapers, bathing items, toys, photo books, books, etc. I think would always be appropriate.

Sometimes people will have a "Sip and See" instead of a shower for the second one--people come over on a certain day and sip champagne, wine, whatever, as they see the new baby.

I guess four showers would seem like a lot--but they could be from different groups of people. Work group from dad, work group from mom, friends of parents, family of parents.

[Kymom2b]

Okay, I am going to chime in as a person who had four showers. Dh and I did not ask for any of those showers, but because our family and friends were so happy for us, they went a bit overboard. Dh's family, my family, our church and Dh's work all gave showers. Even though we had four showers, we still did not get what I would consider the "basics". A girl can only wear so many outfits, ya know? If it weren't for receiving many gift cards, our stroller, carseat, swing, etc., would have been bought by us.

Personally, If we have another child, I wouldn't expect a shower, but knowing our family, we would have one. Is the child a different sex from the first child? If so, they will need clothing. Diapers, wipes and giftcards are always needed.

I don't think you are obligated to buy a gift if you don't attend the shower. Might be nice to get them a little something just to say you care and that you are happy for them.

JMHO

[mlb]

I would guess it's whatever family tradition is. My family has a shower for the first child, not the others. If I was really close to the person, I would give them a gift, but otherwise no.

[SAVeronika]

It depends on what you want to do. A nice gift for a second child is always welcome and just shows you care. If you don't want to get them something, then don't. You're not obliged to do anything. Personally, I didn't have a shower for my second, but really appreciated the small gifts that people gave me.
Veronika

[ahimsa]

I appreciate all of your opinions. I know that part of my frustration with this has to do with how I feel how new adoptive parents are treated as opposed to new biological parents. My friend had her first baby about three months before we adopted my son and daughter. I spent the usual 70ish dollars on her...which seems to be a typical amount for something like this among my friends. After she had the baby, we went over to visit and brought them some food.

Three months later. Our babies moved in. No phone call. No visit. No gift. I thought we were closer friends. When we finalized a year later, they did buy us a board game for kids age 7 and up. Our kids were 3 and 4 at the time. It's a nice gesture, I guess, though it is put away until my kids are even old enough to enjoy it. I'm just having a hard time swallowing the fact that we made a big deal about her first baby. Our kids were hardly a blip on the screen of her life, and yet we're now supposed to celebrate her life again? I know part of it is just sour grapes. I really don't want to be like that...but it does hurt.

I'll probably buy a small gift and send it to work with my husband, to give to her husband and be done with it. I was just curious as to the social appropriateness because this same friend got married for the SECOND time a few years ago and had the overdone wedding, overdone shower, bachelorette party, you name it. I wondered if it was about her going overboard or if that was just how things are now-a-days!

Thanks again!

[court5505]

Here is my opinion:

1. I think it is tacky to have a shower for the second kid. I also think it's tacky to have a "come see the baby party". I feel like that is just people asking for gifts. This is just my opinion though and I know that some people like them. I just choose not to go if I'm invited.
However, I always buy a gift when the baby is born, whether it's the first baby or the sixth. I just don't need to go to a party to give it!

2. I don't think you are obligated to buy a gift if you are not attending, though I usually do.

[musemoon]

Yikes sounds scary.....YIKES...nothing screams "I need attention" more than to throw yourself and your kids a lot of parties where people need to bring gifts. I totally understand the "excited four parties by accident" thing, I think my daughter's one year birthday is shaping up that way...sadly (or happily...yeah happily) everyone wants to throw her a party. Yikes. I say give um a onesie and a card and be done with it.

That being said....and I mean what I said. I had a welcome party for my fost/adopt daughter. Although I asked that they not bring gifts...I still got a BUNCH....it was nice. I am considering adopting again in a year and a half and I will want to throw another "Welcome Party" for the reason that I want both my kids to feel like they were welcomed into our family. However, with my second kiddo....since we have a boatload of stuff, I will ask that if they want to give a gift they donate to a woman's shelter or some place where woman are struggling to keep their children. I'm sure I will pick a place by then. I am actually thinking of doing it for Squeak's adoption party as well.

Which brings me to my last point. If I had one big fat wish, I would wish that when folks adopt kids, people see it like a newborn entering the family and that there is a party to celebrate and people get as excited for them as they do newborns....why???? Well need we ask???...but...cause these kids (especially fost/adopt kids) are finally home...after all of "it" they are home....I can't think of anything better to celebrate! Seriously.
Some of these little kiddos have BEEN THROUGH IT...and to have a bunch of foks raise a glass and say "you have found your forever family" well that's just cool. Seriously cool.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know that part of my frustration with this has to do with how I feel how new adoptive parents are treated as opposed to new biological parents.

I couldn't agree with you more!! When I brought Bug home, my sister had a shower for me. Yes, I did get some nice things...lots of clothes, blankets and stuffed animals. It certainly was not over-kill. I had seen what my MIL had done for my BIL's girlfriend for her shower...full travel system car/seat stroller. Not to mention the clothes! (turned out the kid was not even his and she split town with the kid. But not before BIL went and retrieved all the gifts that had been given...and SOLD them for money he kept for himself!)

Four months later I brought Bear home and NOTHING!! Not a single thing...barely even a welcome. Certainly I did not expect a shower, but at least some sort of acknowlegement! MIL asked me if there was anything I needed or wanted for him. I told her a mobile. After a month of waiting she told DH that I should just go an buy it myself because she was too busy planning a wedding for BIL and his CURRENT girlfriend that was now pregnant. This was her second child.

Fast forward 7 months later to new SIL's shower...for her SECOND child. When I say shower, I mean SHOWER!! They got a brand new crib (from MIL), car seat, stroller, bouncy seat...not to mention the clothes and blankets. In fact I hand made them a blanket that was BEAUTIFUL! Three days later BIL called DH to ask if there was a way to take the buttons off because they didn't like them. GRRRRRR!!!!

DH even confronted his mother when he heard about SIL's shower and said..."why then did Bear not have a shower?" She said it was because he came too close to when Bug came and it would have been tacky! You want to talk tacky...how about (as OP said in her second post) the way adopted parents are treated so different from birth parents! I share your frustration!!

[ahimsa]

I appreciate the posts from everyone. Bug&bear'smommy, I so feel your pain. It hurts so much when you see that your wonderful, amazing babies don't get the same recognition as other people's biological children. I feel for you!

musemoon - WOW! There is already a birthday party in the works for Aria! Yay! How fun! I am still glued to your journal and feel like I know you. Good luck with the new house. It sounds GREAT! Thank you for the post!

court5505 - I don't want to...but I am going to do the polite thing and get a small gift for each mommy. The funny thing is that I kind of always planned on it for the one mom, until I saw that she was having her umpteenth shower and was put off by that. So, I'll head out to Target...get a cute little something fuzzy and a pastel card, and dodge both showers.

Thanks again!

[Casey677]

Hmmmm... where to begin! I too think that there are huge differences between baby showers for bio kids and baby showers for adoptions. We did have a shower 3 weeks after dd was born. We got a lot of clothes (most of which were the wrong season, but it's the thought, right?) and a few necessities - baby wash, butt paste kind of items. I was very happy with the shower, but it was nothing like friends got- with strollers, carseats, etc.

After dd was born, I joined what dh calls my "mommy cult", LOL. We all have baby's around the same age and most of us are expecting #2's at the same time (yes, even me! We're matched and expecting a baby due on 1/10). I went to the first baby shower on Saturday. We all bought gifts, but they were small little things we wanted to get for the baby. The BIG thing of the party was that the host asked us all to make a meal for H & her family, freeze it, and bring it to the party. This way, for the first week or so, no one has to cook anything. I thought this was a fantastic idea!! It was a great way to show her that we care and are excited about the new baby!

I am sure that we will be doing this for the other baby showers coming up. They did ask if I wanted to have one, but I said no. This time, dh & I want to have a big "Welcome Home" BBQ for friends and family to meet the new baby.

[loveajax]

First of all, not a big fan of a shower for #2, but to each his own.

I did not have a shower before DD was born (or after) because I had been through so much junk, frankly I was scared to have one!!

I will say, however, that I have actually found that we got way MORE stuff from way MORE people than would have even been invited to a shower. I think people look at DD as extra-special (my friend got her a darling little tee that said, "I WAS WORTH THE WAIT!" and was she ever!). I hate that people here have gotten "less" because their children came to their homes through adoption, etc. That makes me mad!!!

[bajj]

At my church we give the option with baby #2 to have a money basket, a diaper shower, or a regular shower. of course, once the baby is born tons of people buy gifts no matter what the parents choose.

My dh's work gives most of their employees a shower. They didn't either time with us, or send any gifts (except very close friends). I can't help but wonder if it's because we build our family through adoption? I mean, they do it for female or male employees. Strange, but ok with me.

BTW, I skipped 3 showers last month for second babies and no, I didn't send gifts. I normally do, but just didn't this time for some reason.