[mom2GRLC]

As an adoptive mom I wonder if it is wrong to feel that your child should love you more or feel more connected to you than their birthparents.

I mean we are their parents. We are the ones who have been there with them, lead them, guided them, shared all those youthful memories with them, dried their tears, held them in the middle of the night when they had bad dreams, spent those countless hours doctors appointments and ER trips, we've taught them our beliefs, morals, we've cheered them on as they scored their first goal and comforted them when they didn't win or when someone was making fun of them, We've been so much a part of every part of them and in all of their memories.

Is it wrong to feel that they should love you more, feel more a part of your family than their birthfamilies?

I know people can love more than one person. Can feel connected to more than one person. Etc.

Is it wrong to feel like the relationship between them and their birthfamily should come second to the relationship they feel towards the family that raised them and that were truly their "parents and "family" growing up?

This thread is based off another thread i just read....but it's really got me thinking!!!

[Mommy24]

Mom, why does it even have to be an issue? For me it is not a contest of who loves who more or whos more important......as a mom of multiple children, each different in their own way, I love everyone of them the same way. No more No less, my oldest son is more attentive to me, helps more, is a caretaker, right now I am sick, he wipes my head with a wet rag when I have a headache, he made me a snack when he got home, he does alot for me, but does it mean I love him more because he does all of this, NOPE. I love him the same because he is mine. Why as a bmom do I have to come second, I did what was best for him, I made a parental decision long before he was here, I made a parental decision as to who would shape and mold him, to me it isnt about being first or second, its just about "being", a child knows who has raised them and taken care of their needs, they also know who gave them life, why put them in a position to feel like they have to "choose" first and second??

[ABWY]

I don't think this is as simple as you want to make it. Children, especially young ones, do not look at it as they love one person more than another and neither should you. My adopted daughter is 5 years old and we have an open adoption. She knows her birthparents and birthgrandparents but I would never, ever ask her who she loved more. She loves everybody, but in a different way. I don't ever expect anyone to compare the love she has for us to the love she has for her birthparents because there is no comparison. We are raising her but she is also a part of the birthparents lives. If you are confident in your parenting and the way you are raising your child, this question should never be an issue.

[lahdh4]

Why does it even has to be an issue? It isn't a contest. If you make into "you have to love me more than you love x" what is that teaching the child?

[mom2GRLC]

I would never ask my child to choose. It was just a thought I was trying to explore based on another thread.

As a child I grew up in a divorce situation and visited my dad but was raised by my mother and my step dad. I was never asked to choose one over the other. I loved them each but in different ways. However in the last couple years of adopting my children. I have found a new found love and appreciation for my step father. He truly was my father the one who supported and raised me. While i still feel connected to each Dad....I do feel much more love and connection to the father who raised me, who was always there for me and who guided me through life. That doesn't mean I don't love my dad or feel connected to him but it is different. Why wouldn't it be the same for an adoptee?

Why must we believe that the biological parents will have an equal place in the childs life and heart? When we were the ones who raised them, who were their family, and who shared all those life memories and experiences together.

I'm not saying....ask them to choose or make them pick one or the other at all. I'm just saying that everyone says there are 2 sets of parents when it comes to adoption and the child should feel free to love them each equally just in different ways, one can't replace the other...etc.

But why is it wrong to think of adoptive parents being the "family" and biological parents being part of their extended family?

Why is it wrong to think of their really being one mother and father "that being the one they were raised by" and one "family."

Is it possible that the birthparent in placing their child is "assuming" that lesser role. Stepping down as the mother of that child "as far as parenting and everythign goes" and accepting a different role.

Why does one...not replace the other? When in reality it does. A birthparent would have been the parent raising the child but instead they choose one to parent in their place.

I'm not saying any of this to be disrespectful of birthparents. I think the decision to place their child if they feel they can not parent is very couragous and very selfless. I feel they have a very important role in the childs life.

I'm just thinking out loud and exploring the idea...so please don't jump up to bash me or think badly of me...again I'm just curious what your thoughts are on the subject?

[BestLight]

I remember reading a book in junior high. It was about a huge family with lots of kids. Something stuck with me:

"Love isn't something you divide. It's something you multiply."

A child's love doesn't need to be parceled out among the people in her life. There is always more to go around for the people who are open to receive.

Come to think of it, that book I that made an impact so many years ago was divine foreshadowing. It was a book about a family built through adoption: The Family Nobody Wanted.

[Lorraine123]

mom2GRLC,

I understand totally what you are saying. However, my daughter came from foster care and she was severely neglected and abused. She absolutely defends her birthmom and idolizes her. At times, I get rather upset by this. I mean, here I am, picking up the pieces and she is adoring the woman who did nothing to protect her. I know my situation is different, but I often feel like I am MOM. And there are times I resent the adoration her birthmom gets. I realize she can love two moms. I totally do, but it still gets to me sometimes.

Lorraine

[SchmennaLeigh]

Oh, the old adage:

"If a mother can love more than one child..."

I think you know how the rest goes.

Do you have a favorite child? Do you tell them that? Do you make your affection and love a contest amongst your children? I would venture to say a big fat no: you love and care for your children in different but equal ways, even if one is being a pill.

Loving parents, whatever their title, should never be made out to be a contest or end with a "winner."

Heck, if we want to make this arguement: I spent more time caring for Nick when he was a newborn. Josh had the flu. But Nicholas LOVES his Daddy and will give him smiles even when he's mad at me for, oh, making him eat peas. Shouldn't Nick, by your logic, love me more because I do more work?

"...then why can't a child love more than one Mother?"

[mom2GRLC]

When I have mentioned in love to my daughters birthgrandma how my daughter will always have two mothers she quickly says... "No she has one, you are her mother. God wanted her to come to you and for you to be her mother."

Her birthmother has also said something similiar. Although I know she still considers her to be her daughter and she should.

So that is what I have also been thinking about. that along with many other things. Why would they consider me my childs MOTHER. Yet because of what I have heard over and over again on these forums I feel as though I will never fully be her MOTHER because she will always have two mothers.

Why can't we allow ourselves to feel like her "whole mother"? That's not pretending that we created her or that her birthmom doesn't exist. Just that God intended for that child to come to us and for us to be her mother. Why would she need another mother? Why would we not be all she needs as a mother? Surely she will need her birthmother....but her birthmother will not be her MOTHER.

Just as when you get married your mother in law is not your "MOTHER" and never will be.

I agree they each have seperate roles and each are very important. But that family Unit...the one you grew up in, the one that shaped who you are and what you believe and who you become is the MOST important and should be held closest to your heart.

Why once the child is in reunion it's all of a sudden supposed to be all equal and level. That all of a sudden the birthfamily who hasn't seen you since you were first born all of a sudden has equal footing in your life and in your heart? Why does the adoptive parents relationship to the child "as their MOTHER" all of a sudden come in in question and must share equally the title of MOM or MOTHER with another who only was there for a small fraction of the childs life.

Why would a grown child "NEED" another MOTHER? Why would a young child in an open adoption "NEED" another MOTHER.

Again....these are just thoughts..(questioning EVERYTHING...I've heard in the past!!!) not my own personal beliefs or feelings....just THINKING out loud of all the possibilities as I explore what my feelings may be on the subject before blindly accepting all the things that are generall stated on the threads.

[bajj]

IMHO it is wrong to expect anyone to love you. We are to love one another, but to expect it in return? I mean, when we raise our children in love (which obviously those of us here are) then they will love us as well as their birthfamily. They may have a different type of bond, a special, but different bond, with each side of their family.

[mom2GRLC]

lorraine,

I agree, my kids came from fostercare as well. I see the terrible affects that drugs/alchohol or their histories had on them and how we continue to struggle to work through those issues. So maybe that has a part in my questioning/thinking out loud.

I too idolized my Dad all through my growing up years, regarldess of how much he hurt me or dissapointed me. But once I reached my mid 20's (when I too was caring for children who were not born of me) i began to see things as they really were. It's then I realized that my step dad (although certianly not perfect) was such a wonderful father to me and because of sacrifices and teachings and always being there for me...I do hold him on a higher level than I do my dad. really there is no comparison between the two. Biology only means so much, actions speak louder than blood.

So maybe that is why I feel this way and am begining to question stuff I've heard on this forum...because I've found it has not turned out to be true in my own life.

It's also because of my religion. I'm latter day saint and believe that famileis can be together forever through special ordinaces int he temple. Just as marraiges can last throughout all eternity not just to death do we part. So when I think of my family unit. We will be sealed together forever. Our family Unit is very important. I will literally be my childs "forever" mother. it is not a shared position.

Maybe my beliefs set me apart....from others on this forum. I alwasy think my children will ahve a special love and bond with their birthfamilies. But WE will be their FOREVER FAMILY.

Make any sense?

[JPDakota]

Why would a grown child "NEED" another MOTHER?
Got me. I sure as heck don't. But we're kind of outnumbered on this board, so you aren't gonna get much of that response.

[Fran27]

There is mother and mother. Honestly, I expect most children that were adopted as babies to feel more attachement to their parents than their birthparents. There is a big difference between someone who brings you up and someone you just see occasionally (in the case of open adoption, as it seems to be the main problem here).

And IMO, biology doesn't mean that much... actions mean more than blood, indeed. Just because my grandparents were my biological grandparents, doesn't mean I particularly loved them. I barely saw them and we were not very close.

I don't know anything about foster adoption, but I can see how it would not be that easy for a child to love their new parents as easily as their biological ones. I would think it would hurt indeed. But that is something that can possibly change as the child grows up or with councelling.

But as people say, you just can't make someone love you... no matter how much you try sometimes. I think it's something people should be aware of with older child adoption before they start the process.

[Kindreds]

Mom2 - I know you are asking questions, but in your posts, it sounds as though you are ambivalent about your role. You are your children's mother and they will have wonderful memories of their life with you. But they will become adults at some point and will no longer need mothering of the type you provide in their childhood. The reality is that they have two mothers. They have the mother that loved, cherished and raised them and they have a mother that conceived them, gestated them, and gave them life. There is no erasing the bonds of these two relationships. I don't understand how adoptive mothers can enter into an adoption and not understand this reality and that there is no erasing the truth that another mother gave birth to the child they mother and raise. It is up to the children, as they arrive into adulthood to do whatever they want with that information and with that bond. I don't think anyone has the right to ask another individual to rebuke something that is important or sacred to them. Not all adopted children will want to reunite with their families when they arrive into adulthood, some do, and if your children are among those that do want to have a relationship, then it is their right. It is their disposition that brings them to this, their sensitivity, whatever. Not all adoptees have this in them and whether they do or not, it does not seem right to me that it should be denied to them even if it ends up hurting the adoptive parents. These children did not ask to be adopted, they did not ask to be placed into a position that they were either relinquished or forcibley removed from their biological family. Adoptive parents willingly and eagerly adopted to experience the joys of being a mother or father and raising a child.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

mom2GRLC,

I understand totally what you are saying. However, my daughter came from foster care and she was severely neglected and abused. She absolutely defends her birthmom and idolizes her. At times, I get rather upset by this. I mean, here I am, picking up the pieces and she is adoring the woman who did nothing to protect her. I know my situation is different, but I often feel like I am MOM. And there are times I resent the adoration her birthmom gets. I realize she can love two moms. I totally do, but it still gets to me sometimes.

Lorraine

I remember either hearing or reading about a child who was dunked in boiling water by his mother. In the hospital, all he cried for was the comfort of his mother. It didn't matter that she was the one who did it to him. Sad...but a true story...

Personally, it sounds like your daughter is dealing with her painful past by putting her first mom on a pedastal. Maybe it just hurts too much to acknowledge that the person who is supposed to love and protect you failed to do so. Who can even fathom that a mother would do anything, but love their own child.

It also seems easier to hurt the ones who love and care about you. At least she knows you will still be there for her to pick up the pieces.

As hard as it may be, try not to be offended. Seek professional counseling and continue to provide unconditional love. I give you lots and lots of kudos.

God bless!
Julie