[adoptmom_02]

we have one son who is 4 his birth mom is pregnant. We are hoping to adopt this baby as well. when she first asked us if we wanted to adopt. she was going to place the baby with us she was set on her decision. Now she is going back and forth on wanting to parent and making an adoption plan for her baby.

On to my question. we have an open adoptionwith her.we see her about once a year.but send pictures letters and phone calls.
how do you explain it to our child that his brother or sister lives with his birth parents and he/she lives with you. and they dont get to grow up together? my son asks me for a brother or sister all the time.
thank you

[loveajax]

I am interested in responses to this as well. Our DD's birth parents have another daughter, and I don't even know what to call her...your "sister," your "birth sister," "x and y's daughter." (I need to figure out how DD's birth mom is handling this since she did not tell her family about DD so I would be surprised if she refers to DD to her child as "her sister.")

The other interesting thing is that I suspect birth parents may have another child/other children at some point that they will parent. I hope DD isn't too "upset" about the fact that she is the ONLY one that is not living with birth parents. I think the best you can do is just be honest and explain that circumstances are different all the time, birth parents certainly wanted to raise her but felt that they couldn't at that time, etc.

There is a really good book called, "Talking To Young Children About Adoption" that may have some advice, etc. Good luck! I hope that if your child's birth mom decides to place that she places the baby with you ...that would be really nice (that just happened for a friend of mine).

[SchmennaLeigh]

The same way you explain it to children of divorce, etc: things happened in x-way and people had to do x-thing at x-time. I'm guessing from the sounds of things that your son's firstmom wasn't ready to parent when she placed him with you. While it doesn't sound like things have changed enormously, or she wouldn't have mentioned placing with you, she has grown and matured in four years. Children, in general, change a parents' (biological or adoptive) priorities. It is possible in the wake of the adoption, four years and subsequent pregnancy, that her priorities have changed enough to allow her to be a great parent. To a child, all you have to do is say that she did what she thought was right for him at the time.

Many firstparents have children after they place. My Son will be raised knowing and interacting with his sister though she lives in a different state with different parents. Munchkin will know her brother.

And hopefully love him in that siblings-are-dumb kind of way.

[jeannem]

I, too, am interested in this. Our son has an older sister whom his birthmom kept. She is 15 months older than him. She is now pregnant again and has asked us if we would adopt this child as well.

Of course, we will and see it as a blessing that our son can be raised with a sibling that was also born to his same mom. However, should she change her mind - I can see that it would be hard to explain.

Our son is 15 months old now and so while we haven't had to really explore exactly how to talk to him about adoption yet, the time will be here before we know it!

[Leigh131313]

his brother or sister lives with his birth parents and he/she lives with you. and they dont get to grow up together?

Sounds about right!! Except I would add, that although they don't get to grow up in the same house, they do get to grow up together because of the openness of your adoption.

[DebCsMom]

In all 3 of our adoptions there are siblings. Because of adoptions are so open, they see each other frequently. The siblings are talked about frequently, their pictures are about the house just like the rest of the family pictures. Our oldest is 6, the 4 & soon to be 3. The younger 2 don't really ask yet but our 6 year old has. It is simply explained that she couldn't take care of her at that time in her life (Birth Moms Life). The hard part I am hoping not to have is how to explain that she went on to parent 2 more children even though her situation got WORSE not better!

But I also think that because it is so much an everyday sort of thing in their lives, that it is just like someone else said, just the way their family is. Like a divorced family, single parent family, etc. Make sense??

Deb

[DebCsMom]

After I posted this I thought of some more. LOL Sorry. When our children talk about their siblings, they refer to them, "My brother or my sister". Not my birth brother or Birth sister. When our 3 year olds 4 birth siblings came to spend a week with us this summer, it was so cool! They also spent time with us a Christmas break & Easter break. Our son talks about his brother C & K & his sisters D & D just like he talks about the siblings that live with him. If they want to tell them something, we pick up the phone & call them.

It's just so "matter of fact" to them.

Deb

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by adoptmom_02

we have one son who is 4 his birth mom is pregnant. We are hoping to adopt this baby as well. when she first asked us if we wanted to adopt. she was going to place the baby with us she was set on her decision. Now she is going back and forth on wanting to parent and making an adoption plan for her baby.

On to my question. we have an open adoptionwith her.we see her about once a year.but send pictures letters and phone calls.
how do you explain it to our child that his brother or sister lives with his birth parents and he/she lives with you. and they dont get to grow up together? my son asks me for a brother or sister all the time.
thank you

We are parents to two kids through adoption. Both of them have older siblings being parented by their first families. Bug has two sisters and Roo has a brother. To Bug, her sisters are just that, her sisters. (When sharing our story with others, I do use the descriptor "birth sisters" for clarification). She's 2 1/2 and she knows she as sisters. Their pic is on our fridge and we have had three visits (wish it were more).

We have a son who is 3 months. Now, with DD, we talk about how Roo is her brother who lives with us and always will, and she has two sisters who don't live with us. She has met Roo's older brother at the match meeting. She knows him by his first name and knows that he is Roo's brother but T doesn't live with us.

It all seems very complicated to adults when we talk about it. To Bug, it's just her family. She often asks "I go to park with sisters". I just wish her first mom would be more open to contact.

Who knows how it will all play out. I know both their First Moms worry about how the kids they are parenting will react to the placement of a child. I know that we will most likely deal with the "why didn't she want to keep me and she kept them" scenario too. All legit concerns, all stuff we'll deal with when it comes.

[BrandyHagz]

The daughter I placed turned ten this year, I am parenting her older brother, who is almost twelve.

They consider themselves siblings in every sense...they enjoy getting together and visiting and they call each other often (to often sometimes - the phone is always ringing).

Kids are pretty easy going - just tell him/her its his/her brother/sister that lives with his mom...

[billysmommy]

I have to agree with the other posters.....just explain it as is. Any other children are your child's siblings, and should be referred to as just that. I think that as adults we sometimes don't give children enough credit - they grasp a lot more than most think. At least I know my children do. My children are 4 and 2, both placed as infants by the same first mom. At the time of both of their births she was parenting a son 15 months older than mine. Their brother has now been placed with a family member (long, complicated story) and I have had to explain that to them (well, the 4 year old - little one doesn't get it yet). I don't think it is that big an issue really. Parents place children for adoption for a multitude of reasons, and situations change.
I firmly believe in age appropriate honesty.