[rose32542]

Ok, we attract A LOT of attention. We have one bio son, almost three, and CC just like huby and I, and adopted triplets, five months old, AA/CC. One thing we hadn't considered before we got our trio is the gawking. We have to plan at least an extra hour whenever we go somewhere just because of all the people who stop us to look, ask questions, and comment. This sometimes gets to be a problem because many people think hey have the right to just reach in and handle the babies, even during RSV season, or take pictures on their cell phones, which we are quite uncomfortable with. Also, strangers are completely unabashed when asking very personal questions.

The first question is always, "Are they natural?" In this context they mean natural as "spontaneous," as opposed to IVF. IVF moms of triplets hate this as much as amoms do. While people notice the different ethnicities in our family, I have never been asked if they are adopted. I can see people looking back and forth, and see the wheels turning in their heads. I can tell they're thinking "did she cheat on him? Are these babies from a previous relationship?" etc. They always ask something like, "so how long did you carry them?" or "Where did you deliver them?" Or make a comment like, "You look wonderful for just giving birth to triplets!" At this point I always say, "Oh, we adopted them!"

At first I spontaneously answered their questions without thinking about taking offense or that they were highly personal. I was just so thrilled to have them, so excited to show them off. Now, I am much more sensitive to how they may feel when they're old enough to understand.

On the one hand, I DON'T want to introduce the trio as "my adopted sons." But, I don't want to grumpily turn away from questions an inadvertently give my guys the impression that there is something secretive or to be ashamed of about their adoption. But on the other hand again, these are strangers who are pretty ballsy to ask such personal questions anyway, and it's really none of their business.

Just as they ask the very insensitive "natural" question, they also look at my older son and say, "so the babies are adopted and he's yours?" The only place I ever refer to myself as an "adoptive mother" or my babies as "adopted triplets" is here. Everywhere else I am "mother" and they are "my sons."

I still love to show off my beautiful children, but I am starting to feel very protective of all of them. I am not sure how/what to answer. Many triplet moms hate the celebrity so much that they become (by their own description) "that b-word with the triplets," just brushing past everyone without stopping or commenting. But the truth is, the questions are almost always well-meaning and well-wishing, and by stopping to talk, we have actually made some friends and received help we otherwise wouldn't have.

Any suggestions/experiences?

[loveajax]

Rose, you know triplets are truly showstoppers!! I think I would be enthralled to see triplets too (I have only rarely seen them). So I think you have the "triplet" factor even more so than the "adoption" factor to contend with. I bet you have a beautiful family and people want to "get close" to that.

I can say re: the adoption stuff, I have heard from adult adoptees (DH included) that they did not really LIKE when their parents always pointed out that they were adopted. Not that they were ashamed or their parents were ashamed of it, just that maybe sometimes adoptive parents try too hard to "embrace" it.

I am often told that I look like my DD who is adopted and biracial (I am caucasian). I used to tell everyone "thanks -- she's adopted and biracial. Can you believe it ?!blahblahblah" Now I just say, "thanks!" If people were to ask directly, I would definitely say she was adopted. But I really feel like protecting your family's privacy is more important than satisfying the "need to know" of strangers. It's amazing to me that people are still so "fascinated" and "uneducated" about adoption.

Anyway, I hope you find the right balance!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I completely understand where you are coming from. It is not so much now that the boys are older and LOOK like twins, but when they were much younger...because they are 2 1/2 months apart...people used to look at us cross-eyed. We have found that it is SUCH a catch 22...we hate to say they are adopted because it invites a barrage of invasive questions, yet we hate to just say "Yes, they are twins" because they are not. Although we have said it just so people will go away. Even at that, I have been asked how difficult it was to breast feed twins! Sometimes I just say, they are 2 1/2 months apart and walk away...leaving them trying to figure out how that can happen. What kills people even more is when they know the boys are adopted and they ask if they have the same parents, or are cousins, or anything since they look so much alike. Not only that, but they look like DH and I too, so that throws them for a loop.

I feel like a side-show freak the way people act like it is such an amazing thing. Often I just feel that THIS is my family...can't you just leave us alone?? I would never dream of asking someone some of the questions I have been asked.

[momofmykids]

Rose, here's a website for ya (mods, hope it's ok)...this has GREAT comebacks for those nosey people (and as a mom of 8, I've used several of these!)

http://www.plomp.com/largefam/comebacks.htm

[rose32542]

momofmykids-- thanks for the link. That's hilarious!

bugs-- I actually am breastfeeding my triplets, which invites even more comment! I can just imagine what people would say if they actually saw me nursing two at once like I do at home. When we're out I only nurse one at a time. Most bio moms of triplets don't nurse, at least not for long, and many (perhaps most, I don't know) adoptive moms of singletons don't nurse. In fact, almost everyone who finds out I am breastfeeding the trio is stunned to learn that it is even possible to breastfeed babies you didn't give birth to, even a lot of docs!

[sak9645]

Laughing myself silly over that website!

My Mom was one of eight children. She chose to have just one (me) as a result of being #4 of 8. I kinda figured that it was now my turn to have eight, but I got started too late.


Sharon
(turned 61 today, and have a ten year old)

[blessedmomee]

Congrats on your sweet family! I can totally relate with your concerns about the attention you receive. We have eight children, but the last six are all very close in age(5,5, 4, 4, 2,2/each set within a few days of eachother)and similar in appearance. We get stopped constantly when we are out. My oldest counted once...we were stopped 18x while grocery shopping. I often tease that we are the traveling circus. Sometimes it can be unnerving to have countless people asking questions, when we are in a rush shopping, or actually enjoying a quiet meal out. We are always asked if our children are three sets of twins, two sets of triplets, or even sextuplets. I have gotten much better at responding to strangers. I realize the attention comes from the number of very young children, more so than the fact that we are a transracial family(four of us are cc, six are hispanic). Because my children are getting older, and really paying attention to the remarks made, I am more careful with my responses. I am more careful to not give info that is personal to my children. I don't volunteer the fact that we adopted, or where they were born. If someone asks me a specific question, I will ask them why they are asking, which usually puts an end to what can become a barrage of personal questions. I try to keep all my responses lighthearted and focused on the fact that we are blessed to have our children.
I have found that most people are very complimentary, and kind in their remarks to us. Most people are not used to seeing multiples/large families/transracial families, and are just curious. It is possible to be kind and courteous, yet not respond to every comment made. My responsibility is to protect my children's hearts, not to fulfill a stranger's curiousity.
Hang in there it does get easier. I remember thinking I was going to lose it on the next person who stopped us, now I find it easier to take in stride. You will develop a knack for responding to comments, without even thinking!
Enjoy your little ones!
Chrissi

PS. Loved the large family site!!