[Linny]

When many of us go into our adoption agreements, many of us agreed to send photos and letters or some variation of this to the birthfamily, etc for 18yrs.
In my posting of this, I'm not trying to cause a stir, rather, when I think about the possibility of entering into this in adopting again, I am 'hit' with the comment that my oldest son (now in his mid-twenties, with full disclosure of his biofamily...adopted as an infant) made in reference to 18yr agreements:

His comment was:

"Why would I feel good about you sending photos and letters about me to this person who signed over her rights?!?!?!? I have no control over those pictures/letters! How do I know where they are, WHO has them? (...and what is going on with them, etc.)"


I'm thinking this is something to ponder. While we're all considering the birthmother's feelings to help her with any possible grief, and to assure that the baby she relinquished is doing well,.......if need be---how do we justify our actions to our kids when they're older/grown? I know we can just say, 'that's the way it is/was.' But, it IS true that once those photos are sent to the agency or directly....we don't know what's going on.

In the beginning of the adoption, it seems like the right thing to do. It makes us feel right for thanking the birthmother for what she has done. But, the reality is, we have no control over what will/would happen to those photos. We don't know who this family shares them with, what is said about them,etc.

PLEASE....I am NOT trying to set up a debate about whether this is best or not, because it is an individual choice. But, while dh and I have sent photos for the first few years in one of our adoptions, I have to admit that should we be faced with '18yrs of continued letters/photos".....it does make me hesitate when considering what my older child might say is s/he comes to me and doesn't approve of the agreement.

I KNOW that I wouldn't like the thought that 'Someone, out there' has, basically, a collection of my life.

In the beginning, we're making policies for our babies...and we're caught betwixt and between in thinking "What will they say, what will they do, and how will our grown kids feel about it one day?"

Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Linny

[SchmennaLeigh]

Actually, if you have a fully open adoption, you DO know what is said about them, what was done with them, who they're shown to/shared with.

[ChitownTracy]

Hey Linny,
I am not sure there is going to be a one answer fits all...i can share with you from a personal stance...that anything my parents did or shared with the secret vault of info (j/k) through the agency i feel they did for me...
i view it like this, i am going to do everything i can for Carlie- so that i feel i have done everything i can to maintain an open adoption....
sending pics, letters, and checking the disconnected phone number for her birthmom...
at one point, for us, b/c we are not in the open situation we were hoping for...it is not about us, birthmom or anyone else but Carlie..and what is best for her...and she may not want to search, but if she does i am going to do everything i can to help set a background of info for her...i am not sure if this reply even makes sense....hmm i hope so...
so i think it comes down to what would i tell Carlie ...if she wants to know why i didn't continue to send pics, letters ect...
what would i tell her..i got busy, i didn't think your life was important info to keep sharing...i didn't think your birthmom would ever look for you....
kwim...okay well i think that's enough deep thought tonight...sorry if this is rambly..(just took some allergy meds)

[Linny]

I might tend to agree with you on that one. But, if an open adoption was not what anyone wanted---as in our case, what then? Simply thinking that 'if you have a fully open adoption that will remedy this'....isn't realistic. There are very good, as well as very bad open adoption agreements.

But, there are many agencies that insist on the 18yrs of photos/letters before they even speak to any of the parties involved with adoption.

Sincerely,

Linny

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Actually, if you have a fully open adoption, you DO know what is said about them, what was done with them, who they're shown to/shared with.

That's not necessarily true either. Ours is fully open, integrated, by many IRL accounts one of the most open 'out there'. Regular contact by email, phone (though sometimes more frequent than others, and yeah DH and I do more of the outreach) and visits yearly.

Despite being very comfortable in our communications, I don't know where all our son's pictures, videos, artwork, etc. are going, whom is seeing them and what they're doing with them. DH and I don't take all the pictures either. For instance, Bema sends DS' pictures to her husband overseas. She told us that. Now from there he is likely showing them to his friends there, his extended family, etc.

I think Linny's concept is relavent regardless of 'degree' of openness. These agreements are rarely if ever made with the child's point of view considered beyond 'they will have a connection'. What if my son decides he really doesn't want to send his pictures, creations, etc. because of that? Does he get a say? Or is it just DH, I, Bema and Beda? Does it matter what age he is when he voices an opinion - positive or negative? At what point do DH and I stop being 'keeper of the relationship' and he take over?

These aren't rhetorical either. They're questions I've never really pondered before. Hmmmm.....

Regina

[SchmennaLeigh]

See, it's just interesting, because D knows this kind of stuff. Before I make a copy for my Mom, I ask. The rest sit in my adoption box and are leafed through when need be. Available whenever I want/need.

Frankly, if you don't want to be sending updates for 18 years, you don't need to be using that agency. It's just another reason why you need to be up front about your desires for adoption from the get-go. If you feel you're being forced into something that you don't want to do, as you just said, then don't do it.

My mind is always boggled.

That said, if Munchkin decides later on that SHE doesn't want contact with me, D is still preparing to send updates, possibly minus pictures. I am understanding of and respectful of my child's desire, in the future, to possibly change things up. D is also understanding of an respectful of my desire to make sure she is okay.

[Linny]

Frankly, if you don't want to be sending updates for 18 years, you don't need to be using that agency. It's just another reason why you need to be up front about your desires for adoption from the get-go. If you feel you're being forced into something that you don't want to do, as you just said, then don't do it. --Jenna

And I would agree that if this is something any pre-adoptive couple feels against, they shouldn't do it. But, 'who's to say?'....as I've asked before.

At what point is this exchange of info dictated by the parents (whether adoptive or biological) or by the very person of whom it's about?
We all may--with the best intentions at heart at the time, think, 'Okay, I'm doing the best for my child.' But, as time goes on, it is an entire childhood in photos that is sent and viewed by anyone/everyone.

As time goes on, whos needs are we/should we be taking into consideration? I'm beginning to think it could be much more complex later on, that's all.

Sincerely,

Linny

[MollyinSD]

Well i think you pose an interesting question. Don't they just leave the ltters unopened for her to receive when and if she wants? I wouldn't see the reason in opening them and getting involed in stuff that is personal.

As an adoptee myself, I think that by doing what you said you would you are showing your child how much you respected the desires of the agency utilized and potential birthmother etc. If you didn't do it/honor the agreement, that could cause a whole other set of issues.

If I were your child and I was old enough to understand, I would be grateful that you did your part. I would then want to learn if they had ever been picked up and such. But I would know that my amom did everything she could to make sure my future questions and such might be answered.

I am all over the place so I will just stop now...

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hence the reason I said that should Munchkin not want pictures sent, D won't send pictures. I just don't understand the issue, I guess.

[ess922]

Really great questions posed here! I wonder about this too. How will our kids feel someday about all that we have shared with their bparents. Ultimately, the openness we work hard to preserve (in our case too with phone calls, letters, emails, visits when possible all with more outreach on our part than bparents) is for our children. But as they are still tiny people now, we have no idea how they will feel about all of this later on in their lives.

Our older child's bmom used to tell/ask us before she showed pics around or she'd ask us for extra copies for specific people. But with time, she has stopped doing this and we don't anymore know who has access to our child's pics and updates. Our younger child's bmom would never ask us before showing babe's pics and info to others. She has told us that in vindictive moments ppl in her life have held her pics & letters hostage with threats to burn them, etc.

With older child's bmom, we have also talked about the future and a scenario in which I continue to send updates without involving babe directly if that's what makes babe more comfortable. Would like to think she'd really be okay with that (she says so but how can she know now how that will really feel?) and that it would be a good way to meet both of their needs. Younger child's bmom? Not sure she'd be respectful of that... but thats a whole 'nother issue.

How will the children (aka: adults-to-be) feel? Hmmm... Makes me wish for that crystal ball again so that I can know the future now and do right by my kids.

Thanks for introducing this thoughful topic.

[Linny]

Jenna:
It's not only the photos, it also concerns the letters/updates. Anyone who would make an agreement, would expect the birthfamily to make copies, show them to anyone/everyone, I suspect.

But, for instance, what if the birthmother gets involved with people/places I wouldn't want my children's photos to be exposed to? What if she were posting them in a jail cell? What if she were giving them away to people we didn't even know that might post them on a website?
While this may sound dramatic, I know of at least one of these examples that has come true, even though it hasn't happened to us.
Like I said, I could just see it getting a lot more complex, and we might not even be aware of it (misuse of the contact) until our child/ren were grown up. Then what?

It's fine if the birthmother/family is a great one. But we all know that this isn't always true. I just have to wonder then, who's needs did we actually serve and consider, it's not as if we can 'go back and change things'.

Sincerely,

Linny

[SchmennaLeigh]

See, this again boggles my mind because the only other person who is privvy to any information that J or D sends me is Josh. I once showed Josh's Mom some update pages D had sent me in the first year for the scrapbook but that was just to prepare her for the upcoming visit we were having that June so she knew what everyone looked like.

Maybe I'm just more private about my things. *shrugs*

[Fran27]

Honestly, I don't see why this is such an issue. I mean, lots of people I know send pictures of their kids on Christmas cards every year, it's not THAT different.

You don't have to give intimate details in the letters.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by Linny

It's not only the photos, it also concerns the letters/updates. Anyone who would make an agreement, would expect the birthfamily to make copies, show them to anyone/everyone, I suspect.

Linny,
Do you send photos of your child to your parents, in-laws and friends? Do you have a mini-contract on the back of each one, that this photo is not to be shown to anyone else without your express permission? What makes you think that your child will want you discussing his or her life with your parents or your husband's parents? What about your sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles? Are you going to wait until the child is old enough to give permission, before people are allowed to have a relationship with them or knowledge about them? There is no difference between the birthfamily and the people I have mentioned above, with the possible exception that they love this child more than the people mentioned above and are more interested in getting updates about that child.

Originally Posted by Linny

But, for instance, what if the birthmother gets involved with people/places I wouldn't want my children's photos to be exposed to? What if she were posting them in a jail cell? What if she were giving them away to people we didn't even know that might post them on a website?
While this may sound dramatic, I know of at least one of these examples that has come true, even though it hasn't happened to us.

I found this outlook disturbing, and yes, overly dramatic. My son's amom has characterized me as a "monster" because I relinquished my son (under duress and coercion as a 17 year old girl). She has also called me an angel for making her a mother. Which is it? Am I an angel or a monster???? You can't have it both ways. The reality is that I am a normal middle class woman with a career, a family, and a good education. I don't have a criminal background or anything to be feared, but amom still found ways to demonize me and be fearful of me. I find posts like yours to be depressing and fodder for those people who want to demonize birthfamiles or question our intentions or good faith. The reality is that, with the exception of relinquishing my child for adoption (a big mistake), I have always acted and will always continue to act in his best interest.

The reality is that none of these scenarios regarding the birthfamily has happened to you and they are not likely too. Who is to say that one of your own relatives isn't at this moment posting your child's picture on a website without your knowledge or consent? What makes your family any more worthy of pictures and updates than your child's first family?

Sincerely,