[loveajax]

My husband and I are the adoptive parents of our amazing daughter. My husband is also adopted (he is 40 years old, has no real info about birth family, closed adoption situation).

My question is: when you are dealing with adoption issues with your kids, do they "compare and contrast" your adoption situation? I worry that my DD will somehow think it is "weird" that DH does not know his birth family at all, whereas she will visit with her birth family, etc. I have sort of "urged" my DH to think about reuniting with his birth family, but he doesn't seem to have much of a desire. (It's obviously his call.)

Of course, I am thrilled that DH and DD will have this "bond" because I am sure he will understand certain things from experience that I can only try to understand.

TIA.

[mumofone]

My DH is an adult adoptee in reunion just over 10 years. Obviously, his was a closed adoption which dates back to the 60's. He was thrilled to meet his birthparents and full siblings. They married when they finished their education.

I encouraged him early on in our marriage to find his birthfamily, and he honestly did not want to for two main reasons. A) He did not want to upset his adoptive mom (whole other issue there), and B) He did not want to intrude on his birthfamily. He had no idea that they had gotten married. He thought maybe his birthmom moved on with her life and perhaps kept him a secret, so he did not want to jeopardize her personal space either.

We have adopted two sons, and although the adoptions are semi-open, there are no visits as this is what their parents chose.

We are all for the openness. We met our new babe's mom on the day he was placed in our arms. We exchange letters and pics.

My DH knew information about his biological background, but was able to ask more personal and detailed questions when they all met.

Being adoptive parents, we are so glad that we have all this information to share with our sons with regard to their birth families.

I have heard it mentioned before that when it comes to children seeking out their birth families, that boys/men are usually not as curious as the girls/women are. Perhaps there is some truth to that. I am sure my DH would not have looked for them because of the reasons listed above, but he is sure glad now that everything has worked out.

[loveajax]

Thanks, Mum, for sharing.

I have also heard the "boy statistic." My DH's brother has ZERO interest in finding his birth family. DH's sister did find her birth mom (who sadly died of cancer a few months later). I think DH has the same reservations that your DH had (though he seems a little more open to the idea now).

I think our adopting DD was very cathartic for DH. He always (seriously) thought that his birth mom had "moved on," probably never thought of him, etc. Then we met some birth moms in a class through our agency. It was really an eye-opening experience for him! Anyway, I think I will "urge" him a little more!!!

[BrandyHagz]

I am an adoptee a birthmom and I was licensed (haha) for one day as a foster parent in my previous state.

We are currently working towards getting things ready to get our licenses here in Arizona, where I live n ow.

I had an open adoption with ongoing contact with my birthfamily. I also have an open adoption with my daughter and her parents.

[loveajax]

Brandy, well when you get your license, you will be in the amazing situation of knowing it from every angle! Remarkable! Good luck!

[MollyinSD]

I am adopted as well as an amom. One reason our son's first mom chose us was because I was adopted and she felt I could explain it better to him - we are in a closed situation - her choice.

As mentioned already, I have heard men don't search as much. I already tried and reached a dead end.

I think in the end he will do it if he feels the need. As for explaining it to your daughter it is really just a different time, differnt ways of doing things.

[loveajax]

Thanks, Molly! (Is that your son in your "signature"? -- he's adorable!). The one strange thing is that I think our birth parents liked that DH was adopted, but probably hadn't thought much about the fact that his was a closed adoption (and frankly DH thinks closed adoption is "the best"....of course, that's just his opinion because that's what he has experienced and it "worked" for him. I frankly disagree, but then he plays his "adoptee" card like I can't get it!).

[sanielsen]

I just wanted to chime in.

I'm adopted and will hopefully be adopting. My adoption was also closed and I think that is a good thing (I was a ward of the state and adopted out of foster care when I was almost four years old).

I do wonder if my children will think it's weird that the circumstances surrounding their adoption are so different than mine. But, I am so excited that they will have their medical histories and information about why they came into our lives. AND, most of all, I'm excited that they will know who their birthparents are, they won't wonder where they get their eye color from, their height from, their hair color, etc.

[MollyinSD]

Yes that is Ethan up there! Thanks for the compliment. Personally I think open is better just for the knowledge of where you came from. It is very difficult for me because Ethan's first mom chose to have no contact and also we heard through the social worker she really didn't want him to search either since she never told anyone and hid her pregnancy. That bothers me. I have information and I will give the little bit I have to him when and if he asks, but I really don't want to lie. In reality from the little I do have I doubt he could locate her but I will support him in whatver decision he makes, while at the same time trying to share with him her circumstances at the time.

it is hard. I want to honor her and her wishes, but I also know how questions can eat away at you and what if she changes her mind but has no way to find us because of her decisions?

Just a circular argument that I guess I will have to deal with as he gets older.

My mom knew the circumstances of my birth and knew it wouldn't be healthy for me to know until I was older. So she always said she didn't know when in reality she did. I took her at her word and found out on my own and it wasn't good and she did make a good decision for me, now I have to weigh all of this for my son and his future and his first mom's as well....

Sorry to go off on a tangent!

[mom2justynsarah]

Are you sure your husband isn't mine? lol! My husband is 41 and also has a closed adoption. The only thing he knows is about his birth mom is that she was 22, Jewish and single.

He doesn't really have a major desire to seek her out though. He is more curious about siblings. But he does have some recurrent medical issues (high blood pressure, kidney stones, allergies) where it would be beneficial to know his medical history.

Our daughter is adopted though domestic infant open adoption. Right now she is only 20 months old. But he struggles sometimes with the communication we have with her birth family. Personally, if it was up to him, he would like to close the adoption. But that opens up a whole other can of worms.

But all in all, I am happy that my daughter will be able to relate to her father. After all, only an adoptee really knows what it's like to be adopted.

Best of luck!
Julie

[Lynard1210]

I fit into this category and I believe that because I am in touch with my need to know my roots, I can better understand that my daughter will also have that need. I have kept a journal, pictures of both bparents, addresses, etc. so when she is curious or ready, i will give her the journal and the pictures so she can have an true idea in her mind who her birthparents are. I feel she has an advantage over me because i grew up around people who did not look like me and i had a feeling like i as missing something. i want her to have all the pieces of the puzzle which will put her way ahead of me who only completed 3/4 of the puzzle last month. (she also can look at her brother and father and see the resemblance since we are in a relative adoption).

[loveajax]

Thanks, Julie and Lynn....

Julie, isn't it strange? My DH also has some strange health issues....like really high cholesterol even though he is in great shape, etc. We also know he has at least 4 or 5 siblings (half, I think). He says that if he met his birth mom, it would just be to say thanks, and to let her know he had a great life (I told him it may not be that simple).

Lynn, good luck finishing off the rest of your puzzle. My DD is biracial (AA/CC) so it is really, really important to me that she knows her bps, what they look like, etc.

Thanks for all the responses, Karen