[Leigh131313]

I'm just curious how you all feel about this?

I read a blog the other day (from a new mom) and the entire entry was her complaining about her "new role". I couldn't believe it, this was someone who had gone through IVF, and she was complaining (After a month) about how she now only sees herself in the mommy role.

I realize people go through many things when a baby enters there lives (both physical and emotional)...but this really made my stomache turn.

How do you all feel when people complain about their new roles?

I honestly cannot imagine ever saying some of the things I've been told.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

AMEN!!! Can I say AMEN again??!!

My sister just had her first baby, and I am SICK...SICK...SICK of hearing her complain about different issues. "My breasts hurt"...don't care, had to listen to the same complaint for the last 9 months, not going to listen to it now!! "I am not getting enough sleep"...big deal, neither did I, then after the first started sleeping thru the night, we took placement of an 8 week old. Just like you CHOSE to get pregnant, I CHOSE to do it...and I relished in every waking moment!

My favorite...she is not currently working..."I just CAN'T keep the house clean. My gosh, I just had a baby a month ago and I am not getting sleep, and (her DH) expects me to keep up on laundry and dishes, and picking up the house" OK, mine are 17 and 19 months old now...all I have to say is that if you can't keep your house clean when she is only a month old, I don't want to see it in 18 months when the kids are following right behind you UN-doing everything you have just cleaned.

Ever since we had Bug placed with us, she TRIED actively to get pregnant. She did nothing but complain about every moment of her pregnancy (what a luxury to be afforded...and for her to complain to ME?? I finally had to have my mother "turn on the light" as to how inconsiderate she was being) I LOVE my boys, but it was painful, and down right infuriating to hear someone complain about being pregnant.

I wish she would realize what she has there, and love every sleepless, poopy, boogery, drooly, smiley, hug and kiss filled minute. What some people would not give for that.

[mom2justynsarah]

I think some people are just the type that are never satisfied. They seem to be born complainers. Nothing is ever good enough to them. Or she may just be so overwhelmed, she doesn't know how to deal with her emotions.

It annoys the heck out of me when some people complain incessantly about their pregnancys, and or children. They just don't know how LUCKY they are! I guess some people take everything they have for granted. (sigh)

[mimc]

I am so going to get flamed for this...

I don't mind hearing people complain about pregnancy or parenthood. As wonderful as pregnancy and parenting are, they aren't wonderful all the time. I think it does a tremendous disservice to women who are ttc, are newly pregnant or are new mothers by either birth or adoption when we pretend that pregnancy and parenthood as the best things ever.

Pregnancy, adoption and being a new parent are life changing things, and I don't think we prepare people for it very well. When we romanticize pregnancy and mothering and let it take on a mythic status where every day is supposed to be spent in a blissful state of complete and utter joy, we only increase the shock and even depression that many women feel when they DON'T experience that 24/7 bliss they think they're supposed to feel. I don't think it just applies to pregnancy either - how many people experience post-adoption depression? Apparently enough that this site has a whole board devoted to it.

For me, the more I wanted to get pregnant, the more pregnancy became this awesome state of existence. Then, when I finally DID become pregnant, I realized that even though it's a tremendous blessing, sometimes it really sucks! I wish that more people had been honest with me about what it would really be like. Now that I have a new baby, I love her and know how fortunate I am to have her, but I wish I'd known a little more about what it would REALLY be like to have a newborn at home. In fact, I think hearing others complain about their pregnancies or about the challenges of life with a newborn made me feel a lot better because it helped me see that my experience is normal!

We all experience the journey to parenthood and those first few months of parenthood differently, and I see nothing wrong with allowing people to voice their truths and tell their stories, even if they aren't perfectly happy all the time.

[mimc]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

Ever since we had Bug placed with us, she TRIED actively to get pregnant. She did nothing but complain about every moment of her pregnancy (what a luxury to be afforded...and for her to complain to ME?? I finally had to have my mother "turn on the light" as to how inconsiderate she was being) I LOVE my boys, but it was painful, and down right infuriating to hear someone complain about being pregnant.

Did you think that maybe, just maybe, she was trying to let you know that pregnancy ISN'T as fabulous as you think it is? Maybe she wasn't trying to rub your face in it and instead was trying to say "hey - you're not missing as much as you think you are."

I speak from personal experience when I say that it's very difficult to know how to behave when you're pregnant and someone you care about can't conceive. What exactly IS the proper way to behave when your very state of existence is upsetting to someone you care about? I think most of us just do the best we can. I tried to, anyway.

[HBV]

I adore my child, I love those drooly kisses and I don't particularly like listening to constant whining under any circumstances. That being said, I'm more in line w/ mimc's thinking on this. Motherhood's different for everyone, and some people adjust to it better than others. All the parenting books and friendly advice in the world don't prepare you for subordinating every single moment to someone else's demands until you've actually done it.

[awaitingagirl]

For me, Being pregnant SUCKED! I went thru a lot of crap when I was pregnant. Its not all honky dorey whether you think so or not. Im not saying that those of you who cant get pregnant should have to listen to it, but its your choice to be around the people who are. I've never been around anyone who couldnt have children when I want pregnant; BUT I can say that I complained a LOT and I was on bed rest, I HAD to take shots to keep him in. I think it was MUCH easier to adopt. I think having children thru birth is an expierence that no one should take for granted as is adoption. I think everyone has the right to complain about whatever. I see people on here complain CONSTANTLY about adoption!
HOWEVER the complaining part is natural. I STILL complain about my role as a mom, but I do love it. Its hard work and its exhausting, i get yelled at by my kids, I get pooped on, I have to do ALOT. I think if you are sick of hearing about pregnancy from your family, thendont be around it or walk away. Its like the saying, "If you can't stand the heat get outta the kitchen!" lol JMO Everyone has the right to complain, just a matter of whose listening!

[Fran27]

Good thread!

Frankly, as much as I hate when pg women and people with children complain, I think it's normal. Above posters are so right about the idealized picture lots of us have about pregnancy and parenthood.

I'm sure I would NOT enjoy pregnancy. I'm sure than when I'm a SAHM I will complain, too, because I know it's going to be hard to have to keep the little one entertained and not feel very lonely from not meeting many people anymore (I don't earn enough to keep working). But it doesn't mean I won't love my children - I just expect it to be hard at times.

But yes, some people just like complaining about things too (and I have to admit I'm one of those sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood)... and I can imagine that for women with careers, for example, having new priorities must be quite a change.

My opinion though, hopefully I won't offend anyone, is that when it comes to talking to people who have to go through h3ll to have children, it's pretty often ****ed if you do, ****ed if you don't... Even when people really try to be sensitive about it, it seems an impossible task when the persons you're talking to are just bitter about the whole thing anyway (and yes, I'm talking about myself here too).

[tyiakoum]

I almost choked reading this. My SILs live on a quiet, beautiful, stress-free Greek island, are SAHMs, with their MILs and mom's giving huge supports for them to raise their kids.

Every time I go visit, all I hear from them are "I'm so tired". It kills me. They have been pampered and taken care of from cradle to grave (it's the Greek way, we'll kind of do the same for our kids, including the tradition of buying them a house and sparing no expense on education! That's the good thing about the Greek way!). And they still complain!!!

I tell them, you need to come to the US and have no support and THEN raise your kids. I am lucky my sibs and stepdad are really close by for support. But when we lived in DC, we had zero support. We waited to adopt because we wanted to have a big support system and be surrounded by loving aunts and uncles and cousins. So the second we moved back to MA, we had the homestudy done and started the process.

I don't hear any of my sibs, who all work wicked hard, complaining about "being tired" and they all have kids except my sis who is handicapped.

We have had to bust our butts for our education and our homes. Nothing was handed to us!

It takes hard work to really have an appreciation of life, that is for sure.

I try and surround myself w/"glass is half full" types of people and I"m that way myself. I could not bear to constantly listen to the "half empty scenarios".

[Vogi2002]

I have to say that as much as I agree that everyone takes motherhood differently, some people take it to the extreme. I know someone who when they got pg, they complained and complained and complained (actually getting MAD that they were the only ones who couldn't drink one night). Then when they had the baby they whined, didn't listen to anyone's advice, EXPECTED help from people, baby sleeps 5 - 6 hours at night and STILL complained endlessly.

It is tiring to say the least. I'm not SAYING that pregnancy and labor is the same as adopting, I realize we don't have the same hormones, etc. BUT we DO go through about 85% of it with the sleepless nights, adjusting to the schedule and motherhood, and ALL the things a new baby brings. Okay, so they aren't prepared, well OKAY then LISTEN to people, let people help you but DO NOT expect it. Don't take food from people and then complain because it has some ingredient that you don't like and "you have to do everything yourself". Don't expect people to shower you with everything you need, stay up all night watching your baby so you can sleep, then get mad when WE need a break.

Whew. Is that enough? This person I know is about to have another one, I love them but I am SO not looking forward to hearing about it again and again and again. I don't mind complaining, I mind it when that is ALL they do and they do it CONSTANTLY. Okay sorry.....I needed that vent today...thanks!!

Note: Please don't take offense if you are a new mother and you have to complain, I am talking about when it is taken to the EXTREME.

Natalie

[momraine]

I think that complaining comes more naturally to some than to others, and it can in a way run in families. A kid for whom it worked to complain and is used to getting whatever they want, of course they will grow up to be adults who complain. To me there is a difference between venting, and complaining. I think venting is OK, it's Ok to tell your best friend or your sister that you are miserable or things are not turning out how you thought. That's what best friends and sisters are supposed to be for, and even blogs. Now, it becomes over bearing it's a problem. I don't talk to one of my sisters very often because she complains constantly about her husband (he's a jerk and she won't leave him) so I avoid talking to her. It is her perogative to complain, it bothers me that she won't do anything about it and so I stay away. When we do talk, I change the subject and ask about her daughter or do a "look at the time, I've got to run" thing. As for a blog, well that is not the same as someone coming up to you and complaining, they are writing thier thoughts and whatever they are they are thiers and therefore OK, you don't have to read it. I try very hard not to judge. I remember thinking a friend was nuts because she was complaining about bedrest during pregnancy, thinking how nice it would, be to stay in bed. HA, I changed my tune when I had to do the same thing. It was not fun. It was even worse the second time when I had a 14 month old to keep occupied. We may not know everything about a person's life. One of my closest friend's was very annoyed by her sister constantly complaining how tired she was and how she could not keep up. (one child, small house, stay at home mom) My friend has five children and a large house to keep up and she does a great job. (way better than me!) She is one of those people who has tons of energy and is a natural neat freak. A few months later she learned her sister had cancer. No one knew it until it was nearly too late. The only symptom was the fatique. Everyone just dismissed that as her whining. My friend felt pretty bad about judging her sister. I learned from her story not to judge others. (by the way her sister is doing well, she went through chemo, her mom came and stayed with her to help with the kid, and stuff, but she is now in remission)
Anyway, just my thoughts.

[awaitingagirl]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

BUT we DO go through about 85% of it with the sleepless nights, adjusting to the schedule and motherhood, and ALL the things a new baby brings.
Natalie

The only thing I can say differently to this since I have done both birth and adoption (from my POV) is that adoptive parents bodies arent healing from c-section or vaginal birthing. That in itself really is a pain in the a** when you have to constantly get up with the baby to take care of or feed. The post partum afterwards sometimes is REALLY harsh. Its why I worry about young, emotionally unstable birth mothers. It cant be easy!

Other than that, I can see that we all go thru the same thing.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I'm just curious how you all feel about this?

I read a blog the other day (from a new mom) and the entire entry was her complaining about her "new role". I couldn't believe it, this was someone who had gone through IVF, and she was complaining (After a month) about how she now only sees herself in the mommy role.

I realize people go through many things when a baby enters there lives (both physical and emotional)...but this really made my stomache turn.

How do you all feel when people complain about their new roles?

I honestly cannot imagine ever saying some of the things I've been told.

It is definitely hard to hear complaining when it's something you've dreamed all your life about experiencing. I have felt that in the past for sure. One vivid experience was when a gal I spent time with (I'd call her a friend but she ended up not being that...) complained about her beautiful daughters to the point of saying, "If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have them". This was before kids, when we were in the middle of treatment. I was shocked that she would say this to me, knowing my situation. I told her that if she wanted, I would gladly take them off her hands. And I was serious!!!! So yeah, sometimes it hurts.

But OTOH, it is also tough when, as a new parent, I get the whole "you asked for it" response when I "complain" (for lack of a better word) about how hard parenting can be at times. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my two babies, but let's face it, sometimes it's darn hard!!! In fact, I will say that of all the "jobs" I have done in my life it is the hardest undertaking I have made so far. But I feel like I can't express some of those frustrations (that are reality in our lives at times... is it really all rosy, all the time??? Really???) BECAUSE I have "tried so hard" for my family. This is so a pet peeve of mine, yet another thing that sets me apart. I can't talk about breastfeeding, never experienced it. I can't talk about pregnancy and childbirth, never experienced it. ANd then, when I try to relate to the trials of parenting, say, colic in my precious newborn son, I get the whole " you asked for it". Give me a break...

So yeah, it can be irritating to hear others who are not grateful for the joys in their life. But we all need space. Complaining comes easier to some. Some of us can't stifle it all the time. Sometimes you have to talk about it.

[polkadotghost]

I'm usually a lurker but this thread kind of disturbed me. I of all people know that each situation is unique and this feels like a sweeping generalization here that any new mom/pregnant/etc. will only annoy others if they find any problems in their new lives/roles especially to those who have struggled through agony of TTC. We should all be sensitive to each other's experiences of course and be respectful that we don't hurt others. But I personally found from family, friends, and medcial professionals around me, its an unwritten rule that you really can't complain/vent/etc once you've adopted or given birth after struggling for a healthy pregnancy.

I struggled after we adopted and felt like I couldn't go to anyone for help because I would be met with "Well this is what you wanted so deal with it" which I frequently was. I felt like I had to be super mommy immediately. Why can't I ask for help or even vent my frustrations? I know some people's frustrations may appear to others petty and minor but its important to them and we have no idea what else is going on for them at the time. The whole saying "Walk a mile in another person's shoes...". When I became pregnant with my second child shortly after the adoption I was again shunned when I tried to reach out as I struggled through the pregnancy (I've had multiple miscarriages and one fetal death at 18 wks). Its very difficult for me to "bask in the utoptia of pregnancy" when I'm constantly checking tp for red spots and "is this is the moment I realize my baby is dead and I have to bury another child?" Really can create bathroom issues I tell ya! Of course I hear all the time "stop worring, just relax". Unfortunately only those who have lived it understand and I pray no one goes through what I have. (I'm pregnant again, birthcontrol worked great! )

After my daughter was born (thankfully healthy) I got hit by post partum depression pretty hard and still felt like I wasn't allowed to say I was sad or frustrated or anything. Even the health nurses when I tried to talk to them about my dark thoughts told me to just "appreciate what I have because millions can't and stop being so self-centred". Everytime I tried to reach out I was told to "be thankful for what I have". Luckily I married the greatest man on the earth and he was able to help me get professional help and medication before those dark thoughts came to fruition.

I too get annoyed by people that talk about blissful pregnancies or complain that "oh I wanted a boy not a girl" when BABY ALIVE should be all they care about. But I don't know what they've gone through, I put my issues aside and just listen to them to find out. I resented and condemed my SIL because of her perfect pregnancy, perfect life until I found out that she'd been trying for years to conceive. Boy did I feel like a schmuck when I was doing what I resented others for doing to me! We all have every right to our feelings but before you condem someone for their feelings or complaints remember you don't know what they've gone through or maybe what they are even trying to lead up to. I'd often "test the waters" with someone by starting with a minor complaint to gauge their reaction before I'd try and talk about the really serious stuff. Or during my post partum I'd obsess about the kitchen counters and floor being clean and if they weren't that meant I was a failure as a mother and human being. Odd I know but to me that was real and just the crust to the deeper, darker thoughts. I'm just not okay with saying that you can't complain about your new roles/life/experiences once you adopt, pregnancy or even give birth after struggling. I'm also not saying its okay to sit and listen to someone complain and complain about something that is hurtful to you. Just please try and have an open mind and remember just because we've experienced pain, loss, etc. doesn't mean the others aren't allowed to be frustrated with their own lives. No one has the rights to the "worst pain ever".

I'm probably going to get burned for this but I've lived the bad end of this. I'll just go back to my corner now.....

April

[awaitingagirl]

That was nice April. I agree. I too went thru post partum. LOL I laugh now, but there was a time with my first born that I left him on the bed, only a few days old, called my hubby and told him to come get the baby, I didnt want him anymore. Horrible! I know! All that subsided, hubby came home lol
Its really crazy what your mind puts you thru with those hormones. And your right, we really dont know other peoples situations or reasons for doing what they do!

Although I can still have babies, I chose not to. For me it was horrible. Pregnancy, birth, after birth, post partum... and healing. I have no desire for that again, BUT I do for babies