[Vogi2002]

Polka- no burning here!! I too have ALREADY heard people say, at times, "well you asked to be a parent" (when I am taking care of my niece, my bil will say things such as "you begged for this, you can now practice with her, no complaining when you actually PAID to have it!" UGH).

I think there is a BIG difference between normal (even abnormal) venting/complaining and those that will complain/vent about ANYthing. I am thinking we all know that "one" person we are close to that is like this. At least the person I am talking about will over-complain about ANYthing: being single, married, with children, no children, weight, car, house, money, ANYTHING!!!!

I agree everyone should have the right to vent and complain, but we too have the right to vent and complain about hearing it ALL the time. Believe me I complain about waiting to adopt ALL the time, and I know people get sick of it!!

Natalie

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Believe me I complain about waiting to adopt ALL the time, and I know people get sick of it!!

Oh boy I can relate. Although I don't do it much because people don't understand why we're not super-excited about adopting after waiting 9 months (since we started the process) and still have no end in sight.

[awaitingagirl]

Ya thats the hard part about adoption. People dont understand that you dont have a line of children to choose from! That we have to be chosen most times by a **. And it could be tomorrow or it could be in 2 yrs ugh! waiting is tough!

[OnTheJourney]

Life is full of challenges, pain, and heartache but also joy, happiness, and blessings. You can’t have the good without the bad. I also believe it is important and healthy to express feelings of frustration and pain, HOWEVER confide in a couple friends, relatives, or professionals if necessary, that understand you. Don’t ‘Complain’ to everyone and anyone who will listen. It's good to know what is going on in the other person's life before you unload on them.

I have no problem with friends that talk about their struggles with pg, adoption, or parenting. They vent a little, look for help it they need, and still count their blessings. I do have huge issues with those that constantly complain about their pregnancy, adoption, or children to anyone that will listen and never seem to see how their lives are blessed.

I have a relative who started ttc at about the same time as we did. She spent her entire pregnancy complaining to everyone and anyone who would listen. Then after a very difficult birth, complained daily about her struggles parenting. Some of it is very valid venting, but when she does nothing to make things better and is always complaining, it is hard to validate her concerns. So now she is pg with #2, has a 2 year old that still sleeps in her bed every night, constantly complains, and thinks no one else in the world has it as rough as her, it is a little difficult to take.

I try to surround myself with ‘…glass half full…’ type people, but there are some people you can’t cut out of your life completely. I can’t imagine life with eternal grey clouds and never a silver lining.
Just my two cents…
-M

[elfhild]

I totally agree that everyone has different experiences with mommyhood and having babies. I do, however, feel that some people are quite insensitive about it. As I was dealing with infertility, I had a friend of mine who decided to try, thinking it would take forever, and got pg after the first month off the BCP. She complained the entire nine months....to me....every time I spoke with her...knowing how destroyed I was that I could not get pregnant. It also destroyed our friendship. She did not work had a PERFECT pregnancy (no morning sickness, no stretch marks, nothing at all went wrong), and still massivly hurt me day after day. It's one thing if you are having some real trouble and need a friend to talk to or just want to vent here and there. It's anther thing to have nothing really wrong and complain daily to someone dealing with being IF.

On the other hand, becoming a mom is very hard. Very very hard. We all have a right to mope around with food stuck in our hair and a sticky kitchen to deal with. That's what it's like. We do not live in the June Cleaver world of wearing pearls while we vacuum the living room getting ready for daddy dearest to come home and drink a martini. I really don't think this is a cut and dry thought or idea. Everyone's world is different. I have it better than many, many have it better than me. I think sensitivity and understanding are key. JMO

[redbonec]

I had to reply to this post. I understand that it IS hard to be around who complain all the time. And, someone mentioned that it can run in families--I think this is true--my dad tends to always talk about negative this and that--soon you find yourself doing the same and I have to watch myself sometimes.

But, at the same time, sometimes complaining can be different things, and sometimes it is a way of reaching out for support. We have been home for 3 weeks now with our daughter. Many changes of course. When I tell my friend "She was awake last night for 4 hours in the middle of the night and would cry every time we put her down to sleep, and I am relaly tired today." She replied that she was sorry, that it will get better, and that she can empathize because she remembers going through the same thing, and there were some nights when nothing helped so she would start crying too. I felt better! And I realized that when she told me that then I knew it can be normal, it's not me, and I felt much better. After that then I haven't minded as much. I also realized that when I was "complaining" it was me begging to know it was not just me and that it was not because I didn't know what I was doing, or is this okay. And her response was basically, it is okay. Imagine had response been to the tone of "well, this is reality--you wanted a baby" or something like that. Then I would have felt alone.

And, to be honest, those people that I have known to only rave about parenting and never let on that they have a frustrating moment, I would never go to them for support.

Everything in life has positive and negative aspects. And those friends and family that can be supportive during the negative can help turn things into positive!

I think this can be for anything--yes I wanted and did teach Kindergarten. I wanted it, I loved it most times, and there were days I didn't and it was hard. I have thought so many times, the best part about a school is if you have supportive coworkers, because that is what gets you through the hard times. Same with parenting, I think.

Anyway, some days some people just let it out and vent, which I think is okay, although I wouldn't want to listen to it all the time.

[CanMomEh]

Yeah Blessedbybug Just what I was going to say. I know that I am going to hear that. "you asked for it" from those who complain all the time (one without kids who works a whol 4 days a week!) how there not time for anything - yada yada - I just want to vent to a human being once in a while - about buying a house, DH, and when i finaly get them - children. Already if I want to vent about the process I get flac from everyone - they don't want to hear about it - well I don't want to hear how your husband doesn't do crap for you. There I said it.
If you can Vent, SO CAN I.

[taramayrn]

When things are tough (and pregnancy and being a new parent is tough) it's hard to see outside of our own situation and be sensitive to how our words are affecting others.

[bajj]

It upsets me when people complain about motherhood, too. Now, if she were just discussing how difficult the adjustment to mommyhood is, that's different. however, just complaining and griping all the time isn't counting your blessings, IMHO.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

When things are tough (and pregnancy and being a new parent is tough) it's hard to see outside of our own situation and be sensitive to how our words are affecting others.

This is so true...and I try to remember that. My best friend's husband died VERY suddenly (one night..didn't know he had diabetes) in December and because they didn't have any much life insurance has lost EVERYthing. They were ttc for over 4 years. Now, she has lost EVERY thing to her name, plus she still has that longing to be a mom...so when I complain about the wait for adoption I remember her. I do catch myself complaining though and have to remember that, I am still a pretty lucky woman.

Natalie

[Leigh131313]

I have a good friend who is expecting her third...and guess what? She is having a HORRIBLE pregnancy. She does complain, but it doesn't bother me. I would too if i was in her shoes!! It's not the needing to vent that bothers me.

But I KNOW when people are just venting because of a bad day/week/month....and when they are honestly not grateful for the gift they have been given. And I do believe no matter HOW children come to you, parenthood is a gift.

I agree that blogs are a somewhat skewd(sp??) look at a persons feelings...but this is where my original thought came from...certainly not the only example.

[polkadotghost]

Thanks Aaron. I did the same thing actually! I packed my bags and told my husband to come home as I was leaving them because I was a horrible mom and couldn't handle keeping house clean and being happy with having 2 beautiful little girls so I didn't deserve them at all. I wasn't really upset about the cleaning that was just what I was focusing on, not the real issue at all. Those around me thought I was just being selfish and a brat who didnt' appreciate what I was given. They stayed in their own biasis and some said 'well I've really suffered you have no idea what pain really is and what you're going through is nothing!" (actually said to me one day by a family member) No one even tried to look deeper to see my screams for help. I almost did more than just run away and luckily my husband stopped me from doing something really dumb to myself. No one would listen to me, they brushed me off as whining and being selfish, I was a joke in the family of being a spoiled brat at one point, and I'm ashamed to think where I could have gone if I didnt' get the help I needed. I don't want that for anyone.

Absolutely everyone has the right to vent and complain. I'm not saying everyone who posts here frustrated with those who complain about new babies, roles, pregnancies, etc. are totally wrong and must do what I say. I dont' believe in absolutes. I just believe in being open minded to everyone who might be lurking.And if we are faced with someone who is constantly reacting to every situation they are faced with and it starts to affect our life, relationships, feelings, family, etc. then absolutely thats not okay in any way and should not be tolerated no matter how serious the problem actually is or isn't and then direct them to those professionals who can help. I am only concerned when we shut people down immediately without finding out the whole story or make them feel like they can't vent or complain. Sometimes there are those people are just petty and their whole world comes crashing down over really little things and complain, whine and go on and on and on....not really wanting help just liking to complain and actually enjoy the drama (another former friend I had that drove me nuts). That's absolutely not okay to keep dealing with. But sometimes, like in my experience, people "test the waters" by complaining about something minor to others to see if we listen or there is really something deeper there they just can't get at and there are other signs. I just don't want others to feel that just because they were finally blessed with a child, no matter how, that they are not allowed to complain or vent or get frustrated when things get tough or they are struggling. I really felt like I wasn't allowed to ask for help or complain about anything, and was actually told repeatedly that.

This is a very slippery slope and I am just concerned that others who really need help may feel more reluctant to come forward for fear of being shunned or shamed for their lives not instantly being all roses and rainbows. I just want to put that warning out there because if I had read the beginning of this thread when I was struggling I would have clammed up immediately and not reached out. We can vent about our frustrations with others just keeping in mind those who are reading this and possibly really needing help even if it appears trivial to others initially. That's how this thread initially appeared to me at first glance and made me concerned.

I'm worried I'll get hit with post partum again with this pregnancy but this time there is NO WAY I will let that get so bad again. I have a plan in place and have educated my family and friends and now I know what to do and where to go. I'm not saying at all that no one is entitiled to their feelings I'm just asking people to keep an open mind when people are complaining about what may seem to you minor but there is a that slight possibility that its something more serious and to just look for the other warning signs. I brushed off my SIL initially and was furious at her for being so insensitive to me who had gone through so much *poses for dramatic martyr effect* until I stopped only thinking of how I felt she should react and actually looked deeper to see her hidden pain she was trying to get across to me because she thought of all people I'd understand. I'm ashamed of how I treated her.

I'm not saying anyone here is wrong. Last I checked I'm not all knowing and all seeing though don't tell my kids!!! I'm also not in a place right now that I want a deep debate, fight or anything. Doc says NO STRESS APRIL!!! Oh okay where's that switch again?! I just wanted to put that warning out there to be careful and not generalize and condem before we really know whats going on. I really don't want anyone to feel as alone and shunned as I did. Its a horrid feeling.
*steps off of soapbox, ducks from flying tomatoes*

[Vogi2002]

Polka- That post was great, very honest and we need it I'm sure!! It IS easy to attack without stopping and thinking "hmmm could this be something more?". PPD is NOT something, for some odd reason, that all people know how to spot and even SOME don't think it exists (stupid Tom Cruise) but it IS real, TOO real. It is also dangerous, yet hard for people to admit or reach out for fear of "being ridiculed, put down, or just thinking that they are horrible mothers for feeling this way".

I'm sorry if we sounded bad and brought back some pain for you be assured it was not on purpose!!

Natalie

[polkadotghost]

Thanks Natalie, your post was very sweet thank you. This pregnancy is bringing up issues all on my own lol !!! I really hope I'm not being preachy, hate that and with these hormones lately I'm having trouble latching my mouth when I really really should *cringe* PPD is truly quite the thing. I had trouble identifying PPD and I'm in the field!!!! How on earth could I have gone through it without knowing what to do or how to get help! But its such a dark place and your thinking is so skewed you don't see it totally, like I said I was obsessed with cleaning the kitchen. Clean kitchen = good mother/wife messy kitchen = total failure in life and unworthy. Yeah, not a fan of Tommy.

I was very holier than thou with my SIL. I thought she had everything, looks, job, life, money, friends, and an annoyingly sweet and perfect personality (actually I knew her from high school, small world huh?!). I was POSITIVE I KNEW she was just whining and totally unappreciate of the blessings she had. I KNEW what real pain was and how dare she whine to me about getting overweight when she was lucky at all to have a healthy baby coming. It was my dear husband who put me in my place by saying to the effect, "hey you're judging her just like others judged you when you were in your post partum. You don't know what's going on for her, why is she really complaining and who made you the world's measuring stick on who's allowed to complain and who's not." I listened harder and was able to get past the seemingly minor complaints and she was honestly terrified because she'd been trying so long to have a baby and didn't know how to verbalize it. I was a jerk just like others had been to me.

I've also had the friend who really should audition for a soap opera because everything and anything is a big production over nothing and she just didn't want help and I had to walk away. There are so many kinds of people and no one really knows what's going on in each other's heads, especially total strangers and especially out here in cyberspace. All I wanted to do was just to slow people down a bit and gently ask to please look a little harder. Absolutely get frustrated with those who complain to complain and whine to whine there's lots out there! But make sure you're not judging before you know everything. I'm still trying to fix my realtionship with my SIL. And I wish others hadn't judged me when I reached out for help and I wouldn't have had to go through that darkness, so alone for so long. Luckily my husband did reach back to me and got me help when I wasn't able to do it on my own. Really should clone the boy, make a tidy profit!

[hopefully4]

I am just going to repeat what many people have already said. I love being a mom. I cannot imagine a job that would be more fulfilling or enjoyable than raising my children. However, the adjustment was tough, and when you are in the thick of feeling overwelmed, it is hard to see that adjustment is the problem.
With my first son, I couldn't wait for him to be born. I was going to be that mother that did all the fun things, that people stopped on the street because I had it so together. After he was born, I realized that reality might be a little different. I had no other mommy friends to talk with, and I wasn't getting reports back on how I was doing like I had at work.
Also, my life was no longer about me, and THAT was really tough. It sounds selfish, but it is an adjustment to have change your life for a child.
I'm not saying I have any regret, and I love my life, but until I made some good mommy friends, and got settled in, I was really lonely and felt isolated.
Thus, I try not to judge women who are feeling like they are having the worst pregnancy/birth experience/first year with baby ever, because I have all the belief in the world that after they settle in, they will have different opinions.
Now I say all that with a straight face, but that doesn't mean I don't get upset. Someone recently complained to me about how difficult it was going to be to have a second child, and I said "Yes, it can be hectic, but also really fun." She looked at me, in the eyes, and said, "But I work." I have four children under four, and stay at home full time. I thought, but didn't say, "Man, I would hate that. It would really cut into all my hours of bon-bon eating and soap opera watching." Some people will always get the short end of the stick, I guess.

Good luck!
Katie