[Fran27]

Sorry ladies, just want to get it out of my chest

After soon 4 months of waiting, I've just realized that there are many things that really don't help - usually coming from people with good intentions, but still.

So, my list...

- go on vacations to pass the time! (sure, after $15.000 of fertility treatments and having to save $20.000 for an adoption, really no problem paying another $!000 for vacations! - especially when our employers don't give us paid leave and we have to save our vacation for the baby)

- go out, go to the movies (same thing, we need to save right now)

- when you bring your baby home, the waiting won't matter anymore (I'm quite sure of that, but it doesn't really help right now, does it?)

- well, have you considered opening to race, special needs etc? (there are lots of reasons we didn't open to that to start with, just doing it to have a quicker match seems like the worst reason ever to open up)

- have you tried contacting another agency? (yes, but all of them offer fees that rollover on the next placement, so it's not really helping if we have a failed one and we get stuck with an agency that wasn't even our first choice)


All I can think of now... I hope I'm not offending anyone, I know everyone is trying to help, but just remember how it was when YOU were waiting, and you'll see why it might be irritating sometimes...

[tyiakoum]

Or, how about, why don't you go to China, Guatemala... (insert any country but the USA).

My friends adopted and THEY got their baby (insert any timeframe of 3 weeks to 3 months... very short so you will feel horrible). You want me to ask them which agency they used?

You guys have such a full life. Why add to it with the stress of a child. If I had to do it all over again (don't get me wrong, I adore my kids), I would never have had kids (YES. This has been said to me many times! It blows my mind.).

Teens suck. Are you sure that you are up for this? You are kind of old for when the kids are teenagers (yes, this has been said to me too. What's in the water up here in MA?).

I could really go on and on. You can't believe the insensitive things people say. And the nasty things some people say about their own kids. It is mind blowing.

[b4truth]

i am not waiting for a baby but i can imagine the frustration you must feel and i just wanted to send a hug your way .

i think most people mean well but it's hard to imagine they mean well when you're searching for double coupons and trimming your own hair.


i just hope when that call comes, and it will, that you are blessed beyond your dreams.

[StorkWatcher]

GREAT thread! I'm sure you don't mean to offend. Neither do some of the people who say these things to us. But I used to get tired of hearing the same old things when people were "trying" to help.

I'll add:

Haven't you heard anything yet?? How much longer will you have to wait??? I thought there were TONS of kids needing homes in the U.S.? (Don't get me started on that one and adopting through foster care!)

At least you don't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy! OUCH. Double ouch! Right to the heart...... As if 9 months of physical discomfort didn't seem to be a MUCH better alternative at times....

[tyiakoum]

Get started on the Foster Care thread...

Why don't you Foster (well, I've been mentoring kids in foster care for 18 years, know the system and my DH's heart could not handle that much turmoil. My heart could not handle that much chaos either, to be honest).

Why don't you adopt from foster care (if they reformed the system, we would).

Why don't you try fost/adopt. Hmm. See above.

We have three waiting families at our agency that tried fost/adopt and adoption thru DSS. It was a disaster for them. They ended up waiting for 2+ years, with no placement.

[Vogi2002]

Hahahahaha - LOVE these!! The saving part is what most people don't get...although my dh and I ARE allowing ourselves ONE day a week on "splurging" (going out to eat, movies, etc). We are saving EVERY LITTLE penny but I have learned quickly how much we need this...*it can even be going on a walk, or to a fair, or something free*

Now - how about the "Oh, well maybe you will get pg and then you will be glad the wait was so long!" gees I hope not!!

or "Have you put it in God's hands? It will only happen when you totally surrender it to Him" REALLY????? REALLLLY!?! So now I don't trust in God too?

"Well if you were pg you would be waiting for 9 months anyway" yeah, but there would be a DATE then, not just limbo

oh and the all time "So..what are you getting?" OMG it's a child not a dog!! LOL

Natalie

[ocracoke]

The one I hated the most while I was waiting was:

"Don't worry, it will happen."

UGH!

Samantha

[bagletkt]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

The one I hated the most while I was waiting was:

"Don't worry, it will happen."

UGH!

Samantha

Yah I hated that one too. I even got that one from DH.

I do not know which made me more uncomfortable the insensitive comments or people trying to avoid the subject altogether.

[elfhild]

This was my favorite:
Why are you so stressed? At least you're not sick and pregnant!

Hmmmmm.....did you ever think that I would have given anything for that thank you very much!

Another good one:
Enjoy it just being you and your husband! After all, your life is about to end!

Makes you want to chuck them out a window, doesn't it.


Let's see: Good things to say when someone is waiting for a match/placement:
It's okay, you can survive this. What can I do to help?

I'm so sorry you're having a good time.

Here's some beer.

[kelceesmom]

Love these!! I really hated the: Sleep because you will not get any for years and you'll be hating life. I couldn't wait to be in that boat! Or, the why couldn't you get pregnant? We got pregnant the first time. I don't need to know how easy it was for you for us it wasn't

[melliemoo]

I have to stick with the classic:

"Now that you're adopting, you know you're going to get pregnant. It happened to all my friends ..."

I HATE this comment so much. Even people who know about our IF struggles say this! It's offensive to me on so many levels, and makes it seem that the person who commented thinks adoption is second best.

Melissa =)

[OnTheJourney]

Originally Posted by melliemoo

I have to stick with the classic:

"Now that you're adopting, you know you're going to get pregnant. It happened to all my friends ..."
=)

OOoooooohhhhhh That one is the worst! Followed by the comment "What would you do if you found out you were pg after you adopted?" Duh... I'd have another baby and I'd love them and care for them...

Lately this one has gotten me:
"Where are you on the list?"
I know its innocent, they may not understand the way open adoption works. But when its someone that has asked and I've taken the time to answer and explain how it works, then the next time I see them they ask again about the list...

[LydiaH]

Originally Posted by melliemoo

I have to stick with the classic:

"Now that you're adopting, you know you're going to get pregnant. It happened to all my friends ..."

Melissa =)

This is the first thing my dad said to me when I told him we were adopting! Um, ok, but then factor in PCOS and the fact that I stopped fertility treatments and I'm SO NOT going to get pregnant. If it was really that easy, it would have happened already. Why not just say, "I'm so happy for you that you're choosing this route! Let me know if you need anything."

What I've been getting from people is "but why would you want to raise a child that might not be totally healthy?"

Hmm, how did you know that YOUR child was going to be totally healthy?

[SuzBerg]

I have to agree one of the worst things people say is "now that you are adopting you know you'll get pregnant". I went to my family doctor for a physical as part of our homestudy. She actually asked me if what form of birth control we were going to use because she had "several patients who adopted and then got pregnant". WHAT???? It didn't seem like a very appropriate thing to say at the time and it still doesn't 3 years later. I also had a someone ask what we would do if "their personality didn't match with our families" (we adopted a 2 year old through our state).

People say stupid things after you adopt too, I just ignore/avoid them if I can.

[Fran27]

Oh you guys have some good one

One I forgot...

'oh, you're adopting? You must be so excited!' (nevermind than the excitement mostly vanished after one month of wait for me...Still happy to adopt, don't get me wrong, but the wait is killing me and I would not call it exciting).