[gottahavehope]

Here is another question that another thread sparked in me..... Today, I've been deep in thinking about all of this it seems.....

What do you think should happen if it turns out that an adoptive family lied to the birthmother? Should a placement be overturned? Are any lies forgivable? What would you forgive? What would you never forgive?

And then....

What do you think should happen if it turns out that a birtparent lied to the adoptive family? Should the adoptive family continue contact? Are there any lies that are forgivable? What would you forgive? What would you never forgive?

Peace,
K

[timni]

Just about anything can be forgiven. If aparents lied - Shame on them. If bparents lied - Shame on them. It is all equal in my mind. A lie is a lie. Now the occasional story we hear of adoption fraud (on either side) is really much harder to forgive.

I guess what I say is if you lied you are responsible to try and make it right. If you are lied to you can either stay mad or forgive and move on. I forgive if an effort has been made. (or at least I try to)

[HBV]

I could probably forgive almost anything if I thought that my child would benefit in the long run. As to the rest of the question, I think it depends on whether the consequences ---an overturned placement or discontinued contact--- are in the child's best interest or not.

Should a placement of 3 years be overturned because the aparents lied about the length of time they'd been married? Probably not. What good does that do the child?

But what if the aparents covered up domestic or sexual abuse within the family? Maybe the placement should be reversed, as it's clearly not in the child's interest.

Should contact be discontinued because the birthparent lied about doing drugs and shows up high for visits? Probably---how's that good for the child?
But should it be discontinued because a birthparent lied about smoking (cigarettes) during the pregnancy if you've seen no harmful effects? Not in my opinion.

Sometimes I think we get so focused on what the adults in the triad want/need/feel that we overlook what is really best for the child. I'm a grown up, I can take the mess, the pain, the complication. My son can't yet. And he shouldn't have to.

[gottahavehope]

I think it is unforgivable for adoptive parents to lie to a birthmother about who they are because that is what she is basing probably one of the hardest decisions of her life on. I also do not think it is forgivable for adoptive parents to lie to a child about his/her birthparent.

As for birthparents.... I think with time I can probably forgive any lie as long as it doesn't endanger our child in any way physically or emotionally. If my son is in danger, then all bets are off.

[mom2GRLC]

Lies obviously aren't good for any realtionship....but sometimes those little white lies have to be told to avoid conflict, to help someone see the potential they have inside themselves even if they aren't displaying it then. To avoid hurt feelings etc.

But obviously the big lies....that have the potential to hurt, decieve etc...are not good and will only cause pain and hurt for others involved.

I think all lies are forgivable but that doesn't mean we forget all about it and don't learn from it..or that it won't affect the future relationship.