[gottahavehope]

Another thread got me thinking about this....

What if you placed your child for adoption and felt that you were forced into it. What if you regretted it every day? What if you were sad and miserable and never healed from it? What would you tell the child that you placed? What effect do you think your pain would have on your child? Do you think it is appropriate to share those things with your child?

or

What would you do if your child's birthmother felt all those things above. How would you want him/her to deal with it in relation to sharing with your child? Do you think a child should hear those things from their birthmother/father?

Peace,
K

[timni]

I would ask the bmom to wait until the child is old enough to hear that. And I don't think 18 is an adult emotionally. But after a child reaches adulthood the conversations between them and anyone else is their business. I just ask that the respect I have shown be honored and returned.

[HBV]

I was wondering the same thing from the other thread. I think where I come down is that it isn't in the child's best interest to be burdened with an adult's pain---no matter how genuine or justified that pain may be. I'm the parent, it's my job to do what I believe is in his best interest until he's old enough to do that himself.

So would I shield my adopted child from a birthmother sharing that with a child? Yes, while he is a child. I don't believe an adult shouldn't be using a child---any child--- as a vent for their own anger or regret.

Once my child's an adult, I have to hope that I have given him the skills and good judgement to deal with pain or guilt, because I can't shield him from it any more than I can shield him from any of the other curve balls life throws us.

[Mommy24]

"What if you placed your child for adoption and felt that you were forced into it. What if you regretted it every day? What if you were sad and miserable and never healed from it? What would you tell the child that you placed? What effect do you think your pain would have on your child? Do you think it is appropriate to share those things with your child?"


I do regret my decision everyday, will I tell my child that? Sure will, when the time is right, not only am I a bmom but I am also a mom and I dont believe that sugar coating anything is the key to an open honest relationship. Does that mean I would call him tomorrow if I could and tell him at 16 , no, but there will come a day that he will deserve the truth, the good,bad and the ugly. As for me being sad, miserable and hurting, no I agree that isnt his problem to be burdened with. No child should have to feel responsible for their parents or bmoms feelings and problems. I personally would never want my child to feel responsible for my pain, therefore if he were to ask if I was sad, miserable, etc.. I would probably just explain that although the days without him always felt like somone was missing, I hung on to the day we could reunite and become friends

[HBV]

Sorry, that should either be:
I don't believe an adult should be using a child as a vent

or
An adult shouldn't be using a child as a vent.

Take your pick. Poor editing on my part.

---Mistress of the double negative.

[gottahavehope]

Mommy24: I really liked the way you put it. "That you felt like something was missing and looked forward to the day that you could be friends." It just strikes me as so respectful and appropriate and honors everyone involved with still being honest.

[gottahavehope]

I also wanted to add that I guess I think it would be nice for my son to someday hear something like... I regret placing because I missed you every day and wished I could have been the one to raise you, however, I am so happy that you are happy and have had such a good life. -Just so my son never feels guilty about loving us and the life we gave him too.

[mom2GRLC]

I think the child has a right to know at some point in time when the child is older and the relationship has already been established. But it should be made clear that the love for the child was above all the pain suffered and that the childs relationship with his/her adoptive family should be honored and respected. The child should not be made to feel like all his/her life was based on a lie or mistake. Hopefully as the years past and time was able to heal some wounds and hurt the birthmom would be able to share her feelings in honesty but without casting blame or a heavy burden on the child or adoptive family.

I also would feel that if the birthmom was having a really hard time with that and she was obviously displaying those feelings to the child and family after she placed that she be willing to at least open up and talk with the family about her feelings...sometimes just talking about it and knowing what the birthmom is feeling will definately help....I would have rather known the truth from the begining about exactly what she was feeling then have months or years go by thinking and fearign the worse yet her refusign to talk about it. Because in my situation....it actually brought me comfort to know that my thoughts were correct...that I was reading her right and when we did talk openly about it....I was completely able to understand why she felt that way and validate her feelings and show her that even knowing all that...I could still be her friend, i could still care about her deeply...infact her opening up about it...and putting into words what she was upset about....made alllll the difference in the world in our relationship.

[Mommy24]

Gottahavehope, Thats exactly how I want to explain it to my son, and I hope and pray everyday of my life that he was (is) happy and loves his parents and I would never want him to feel guilty for loving them either

[gottahavehope]

You Rock Mommy24!!!!!

peace and love,
K

[mom2justynsarah]

My daughter's birthmom writes beautiful letters to my daughter. She knows we keep them in a special place for her to read when she is older.

In every letter she writes how much she was (and still is) wanted & loved. That was her biggest fear. She didn't want my daughter to grow up feeling that she wasn't wanted. She also lets her know how much pain it's caused her to let her go.

As far as I am concerned, that's all part of healing. I know that not a day goes by when she doesn't think of my daughter. Her love is pure, strong and raw. I would never deny her from loving her birth daughter.

I don't think I answered the questions you were asking. I just think it's good for birthmoms to share their feelings with their children. (As long as they are not intentionally hurting their child) I think facts are important. Half truths and lies only come back to bite you..