[mom2GRLC]

How would you feel if when you entered the match with your childs birthmom she seemed confident in her decision to place the child for adoption...then after the birth and after the time frame where she could change her mind she began to feel betrayed by the agency. She began to feel coerced into placing and like she had no choice at all in the matter like it was forced on her. What if she wanted the baby back? What if she was stable and healthy and was very capable of caring for her child? Would that affect your relationship with the child? Your bonding? Would it make you question your family unit? Wether it really was Gods will or some big mistake? Would that change your feelings or relationship with her? Would that affect her relationship with the child? Would you feel like you should give the child back to her? How would that make you feel and how would you react?

[bagletkt]

There are so many factors that can affect what someone would do in that situation. I am glad I did enough research of my agency to know the services that they offer birthmothers, including childcare and other programs if they decide to parent. I think more agencies should offer more of a choice to support birthmoms no matter what their decision is. There is enough pain throughout this process without added pressure from an agency. I encourage potential adoptive parents to look into the services the agency offers birth parents. I could not imagine being faced with that decision. I can honestly say I would not know what to do.

[Leigh131313]

Hmm...I do know a couple who returned the baby after the time elapsed...they decided they couldn't live with knowing she had changed her mind too late. Mind you, we're talking a day or two past that time.

For me, I think once that time frame is over....it's done. As an adoptive parent, i KNOW what can happen during those first 10 days, I'm prepared for that...but once that time is over, our hearts change. We can't live forever in a "what if" stage. It is not fair to us or our families.

How would that effect my bonding? Not at all.

How would that effect my relationship with the birthfamily? That would depend on how they handled thier feelings. If it became a "thats MY baby not YOURS" situation, the relationship would no longer be healthy and no longer be welcome. However, if she could seperate her anger and sorrow from our relationship, nothing would change.

Another question would be....would you want to know they felt that way? Would you rather be in the dark?

[danhanan]

Your situation sounds very familiar to mine. The difference is that our bmom left her 2 month old baby with us for what was supposed to be a temporary situation. After we had her for a year she decided she wanted us to adopt. We took the next 6 months to make sure she was confident in her decision. Two months after the fact....DD was then 19 months old, she started saying the same things. She was coerced, manipulated, should have been advised to get counselling first (which I urged her to do time and time again). She claims that we started plotting from the day she left her here, and yet she took her back twice. I think it was her way of trying to save face.

[ChristieS]

In my case the bmother came back and claimed coercion - even though I had repeatedly offered her to stay with us and we would even help her raise her child - not adopt, but help her parent. She said no each time - that she wanted us to parent. Then she turned around and claimed coercion. In my case I felt bitterly betrayed - what more in the world could we have offered her to help her parent?

We also offered unlimited visitation which she did not take advantage of - and which she stated she did not want. THEN she turned around and said she wanted a legal visitation "Agreement" which we signed. THEN, after all was said and done she turned around and filed motions against us based on the visitation Agreement which she did not follow.

Did that change our relationship with her? Um, yes.

Now she is still not visiting, and she has cost us a small fortune in attorney fees (she had free legal aid).

My case is a little different however in that she was a minor - was in a juvy home, obviously could not parent under those cirumstances - and then she filed to have our son placed in foster care. Best interest of the child?????? State DHR testified FOR us both in writing and on the stand in court.

Now we still have an outstanding motion to reverse the adoption and have us charged with fraud - even though WE were the ones following through on everything. I'll never get it. I'll never understand it. We are still fighting this and our son is four years old. When will it end?

Coercion? No way!!!!!! We offered her even our home and our support to parent. What else could anyone do?

Yes, it affected every aspect of our lives.

[timni]

tough questions. I thankfully can only answer hypothetically. I think that it is never ok to try and make someone feel guilt. She chose adoption. You didn't chose that for her. You would've found another baby if she had changed her mind. Her pain is not your fault. Don't accept that guilt package when the delivery man comes a knocking

[icunurse]

I think that there are a lot of factors that could go into making a decision in this situation - when were TPR's signed (some states 24 hours after birth, others much longer), when did the bparent state that they've changed their mind (shortly after TPR's or months later), could they really parent, are they being serious vs manipulation or grief?

In my state, TPR's can be signed at 3 days and are irrevokable. DH and I discussed it before DS was born. If his bmom had come to us at 1 week, 2 weeks, we probably would have given him back to her. she was capable of parenting and we do not want a child that someone else is capable of and wants to parent. But there is also a time limit that we became a family and we would have fought for him. Honestly, he was a part of our family from the start, but we don't think we could have lived with ourselves (or would have wanted to explain to our son) if his bmom came back 3 days later and wanted to parent and we said "no" simply beause she signed a piece of paper. That's just us.

I think she regrets having to make the decision to place a child for adoption (we have talked about it a little after DS was placed with us). I think, no, I know, she wished thngs had been different. I Know she feels pain and loss every day. These things I know, but I would prefer to never have her call me crying, depressed, saying that she regrets this....it would hurt too much for me to hear it after all this time.

[ourdreamcametru]

Thankfully I can only say what I would do IF this had happened. I think that once the time frame for changing her mind is up then it is over with. I do think that it could be a normal thing for the birthmother to feel along with so many other mixed emotions that she might have. If I were in this position I would try to get her into some kind of group for support. Her feeling this way would not in any way effect the way I bonded with my child or make me question my family unit. I think we all make decisions in life that we question later, sometimes when it is too late, but that doesn't mean that we would want to go back and change them. One thing I have always said is that I wouldn't change one single thing that has happened in my life, good or bad, because changing that one little thing would have lead me down a completely different road and the things I am happy with might have never happened. Everything has a purpose and meaning in our life and I believe everything that happens was intended to happen to the person it happened to.

[mom2GRLC]

I am finding this topic interesting because in MOST cases "I" would not believe that a person was coerced that they had NO CHOICE and were FORCED to place their child for adoption. Although others dissagree and I respect their opinion. I believe everything we do in this life is based on choice. It's all the little choices that led to the big choice to place the baby that have to be considered as well....so I just don't get how so many people can say they had no choice. To me that's like placing blame on others and not accepting that they are responsible for their own actions especially in this free nation that we live in with all that info. help and government aid out there available. Yes, it may be hard to get...but if you need it...you stay their for hours or keep going back until you've got it (I've done that many times with the wic office for my foster babies...I know how hard it can be sometimes...but it is there and available).

But aside from that I do believe people can have a change of heart or that they can have a lifetime of regret from that choice they made. It's impossible to know what you are going to feel after you make a difficult choice like that until it actually happens and by the time it all sinks in it may very well be too late to change your mind.

I also think that maybe that stage of anger and feeling like you had no other choice is all part of the heeling process...for soem it may last longer than others. So I do think it would be a normal emotion for a woman who had just placed her child.

But where does that leave us as adoptive parents???? What rights should the child have in that case? How long should a child's life and relationships remain in limbo....when the healing process can take years or a lifetime....how long should a mother have to change her mind? There was deiscussion in the past that in most cases birthmothers should be encourage to parent for a certian number of weeks/months and aid should be given to her as she makes that choice to place her baby or not...where she has time to see what parenting is like and what help there is out there for her before deciding wether she is capable of providing for that child like she would like. How do you all feel about that?

That way....she would actually feel like she had a choice and was given tall the resources to make that choice before deciding to place her child. Even in a situation such as that I do see woman still claiming they were not given enough help and that they were still coerced. Because there will always be people who do not accpet responsiblity for their choices and always make themselves out to be the victim.

[gottahavehope]

Adoption is a choice and once the choice is made and whatever legal time frame passes-it is a permanent choice.

My answer to your question is NO!

Peace,
K

[Leigh131313]

Mom2GRLC

I understand what you are saying, but unfortunately you are speaking from the wrong perspective. You make total sense, honest you do.....but it's just not that clear cut, because you are speaking about this from a NON crisis situation...kwim?

It's very easy for us to sit back, from our happy homes good jobs and securities and see what is out there....but what if you are terrified? What if you are young, and what if you honestly do not realize that you are capable of soooo much more? I'm not saying that someone should be able to overturn an adoption on these facts....but can't you see how someone COULD feel powerless?? Unable to make a different choice?

It's similar to seeing someone....smart, beautiful...seemingly has EVERY thing going for them.....then you find out their husband/boyfriend has been beating them for years....It's SOOO hard to understand, right? Why don't they get help? Don't they see how easy it would be to leave???

We can only see this because of our perspective...our knowledge, our experiences and our security....When you are LIVING this fear, rational thinking is not always something you have the luxury of using.

I understand your view, I really do. I agree that I have learned from every mistake/bad choice/regret I've had.....Without any, I wouldn't be me....But, we can't push our beliefs on others, they have a right to feel how they do.

[mom2GRLC]

In my situation I can say that yes her pain and refusal to accept responsibility for her choices (adopted through fostercare) and directing blame, resentment, anger and sadness towards me and my daughter...really hurt not only our relationship ,but every other aspect of my life as well including and most importantly my bonding with my daughter and feeling like her mother. We've struggled through some very rough times trying to keep this adoption open and I do feel it is a blessing....but words can not describe what it's taken for me and her to get to the point we are today almost 2 years after she signed her rights away and things are still far from perfect and ideal, but at least I feel like I'm actually able to live, to breath to be happy, to be grateful for my blessings, to know that I'm my daughters mother and that yes this was Gods will.

I'm not sure if anyone has ever experienced this as I have or to the degree that I have. Some adoptive mothers may be able to seperate their feelings very easily from that of the birthmothers. Or maybe the birthmother is able to keep those feelings out of the relationship a little better?

But it really does hurt me deep down to know that other birthmothers(especially those I really admire and have learned so much from) feel like they were forced into the decision to place their child and that they had no choice in the matter. What impact that can have on the adoptive family? what impact it has had on ME personally and my daughter and whole life. It can be very devestating and difficult to work through. I'm sure ti would have been much easier for me to deal with if my daughters birthmom actually was willing to talk to me about how she felt instead those feelings would just saturate the air around us, I had to imagine all the worse things she must possibly be thinking and feeling since she wasn't willing to talk about it. Because once we were able to just sit and talk online a few months ago for hours and hours on end....it did bring me comfort and peace and a feeling like I could move on with my life.

[taramayrn]

I know you don't "get it" and frankly I'm not too sure why and that's fine. We are all entitled to our thoughts and opinions, but bottom line, just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean it doesn't happen. People are coerced even in this day and age. I was coerced in a subtle way, I know many who were.
Yes, life is about choices, but when you FEEL you have no choice in a matter things change pretty quickly. Maybe you've never felt like you have had no choice and maybe that's why you can't understand.

[gottahavehope]

I agree with Mom2grl. I do not believe that someone could be FORCED. I understand that you may be terrified or feeling worthless or unsure of what the future holds and believe that you can't parent, but that still does not mean you are being forced against your will. The choice is always yours. I believe in owning up to the choices we make in life no matter how painful.

Leigh: Please don't assume that all adoptive parents speak from a perspective of the perfect life with job and security and such. Many of us have endured incredible hardship and can relate to what it feels like to be desperate in one way or another. Some of us have made incredibly tough choices in our lives as well.

I guess my problem is with the person who makes a choice and then does not want to face that choice head on so instead looks for ways to rationalize that choice and in the process tries to make others feel guilty for their choices.

Our birthmother chose to have unprotected sex with someone. She chose to research adoption. She chose to contact us and our lawyer. She chose to allow us to take our son from the hosptial. She chose to sign the paper three days later. She chose us again and again over the 45 days she had to change her mind but didn't.

Now, she cries that she hates the world because everyone made her do this. She calls me little miss perfect and tells me she hates me. She yells and curses and cries and tries to manipulate. She tell me stories about children who grow up and go back to their biological parents because that is where they really belong. She lies and steals and lashes out. She refuses to get help. It makes me sick!

And, then she doesn't understand why I don't think it is healthy to talk every day or for her to visit our son at this point. She claims she should have the right because she is his biological mother that he will somehow be damaged if she isn't in his life all the time. Whatever! I'm sorry but it takes more than DNA to be a mother and I think he'd be more damaged having to put up with her rage and her destructive behavior.

Yet, through it all I haven't broken off contact. I continue to try and hope in my heart she will find her way. BUT, I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!! And, if it doesn't change I will cut off contact and not feel bad about it at all.

When I see her behave that way, I'm sorry but I thank god that she placed because I can't imagine the life he would have had with her.

Peace,
K

[crick]

Mom,

I've read the posts here and elsewhere and really am not sure where you are coming from. I can think of so many situations where I've made decisions at the time only to wish later I hadn't made the decision I did or maybe felt I was pressured into the decision, had regrets, wished circumstances were different etc. We do it all the time....

And sometimes I have felt I made the wrong decision completely and could not go back on it or change it in anyway. I accept responsibility for the decision I ultimately made, but at the same time, I can look back on it with a different perspective and say "If I hadn't talked to so & so, I probably wouldn't have decided that." Not to say I am playing the victim, but am saying that I might have made a different decision knowing the NOW that I didn't know THEN.

I don't see really, how it's any different for a woman who has made the decision to relinquish. I can see that a person might feel it was the wrong decision for HER to do that and yes, I believe there are many situations where women are pressured or maybe just not supported at all which affect the decision she makes.

I'm not sure how this in any way negates the adoptive family's role. It doesn't mean they are a fake or temporary family.

I think too, you had a very different situation. A foster care adoption cannot compare to a "standard" domestic infant adoption. So the anger & blame etc. you have experienced had a lot more to do with the individual and her problems than anything else.

I think if you can, you need to separate things out just a bit more. Like Leigh stated, nothing is just so clear cut in this world.