[Jill01]

Hi all,
I would love to get some feedback on our situation.
We have gone through IVF a number of times with no success to decided to look into the adoption root as we realy want to have a family and feel we can provide a good loving home.
We have the option of foster/adopting (through the state) a gorgeous 18 month old girl. The toddler has been in the care of the paternal grandmother for the last 10 months and she is not in a position to look after the child long term.

• mother is in the process to get he rights terminated by the state, due to drug issues and currently does not seem to have any interest in the kid and is not alowed to be alone with her
• mother was clean during pregnancy and lived with grandmother
• father also has drug issues, and currently says he might terminate his rights, state said either way he will also loose his rights

Some possible issues are:

• we know the paternal grandmother and she will obviously know that we adopted the child and will see her every now and then, we worry that the son will eventually find out where the child is and will cause trouble as he can be violent
• both father and father's mother are both bi-polar
• there is a lot of alcoholism in both sides of the family
• being 18 months we worry about RAD and reading this board has made us more nervous, especially with the fact that both of us work and she will be in childcare during the week

Any advice would be welcomed.

[Linny]

Believe me, if you've read very many of my posts on older child adoption, you'll know that I think it's very, very risky the older the child is. And, our family has certainly had it's share of RAD kids!
But........when you posted that this baby has been with her grandmother for the last 10months, I'm going to assume that it's been a very stable and loving home. You also mention that you worry about bfather finding the child, but I would think grandmother would be helpful in protecting the whereabouts of the little one too? The drugs and alcoholism are not uncommon......and the choice is up to you as to how seriously you want to consider this. Does this mean that the baby will certainly be bi-polar? No, it doesn't. Have alcohol issues? No, it doesn't. But you may need to be more aware of these things as the girl grows up, KWIM?
As long as she has been able to attach to the grandmother---this is a very good sign.
The only thing I would say is that you should consider taking some considerable time off in order to bond well with her. Whether she was an infant, or a toddler, that time to bond is pretty critical.
Whatever you choose, best of luck to you!

Sincerely,

Linny

[mom2justynsarah]

The fact that she has been with her grandmother for the past 10 months says a lot. This means she has had some form of stable, loving care. This is a GOOD thing. My prayers are there for you and this little girl.

[DebCsMom]

I agree with the others. As far as the Bi-Polar goes, do some research. There is a GREAT book called, "The Bipolar Child". It is an AWESOME book. We adopted a newborn 4 years ago. She has now been diagnosed with Bipolar & PDD, which is a form of Autism. All we knew at the time was a history of Severe Depression. As it turns out NOW, that severe depression is undiagnosed Bi Polar. Bipolar is a very genetic disorder. It is tough but can be controled!! Like I said, do some research!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Deb

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Both our babies have bi-polar from many relatives, and were exposed to many drugs and alcohol before being born. Do I worry? Sure, but everyone is right, being raised in a loving home for the last several months is a positive.

My friends aunt said it perfectly recently when she saw my boys for the first time. She told me how beautiful they are, and said we were doing a wonderful job with them. She could tell that they were loved and so very well cared for. She was happy to see that I was so happy and that I did not care about the boys' past. She also informed me that even if I had given birth myself there was not guarantee. Her son was healthy and she did not do a single thing to jeopardize her pregnancy. She raised him a stable 2 parent home as a stay at home mom...but he has dyslexia, ADHD, and is not battling a heroine problem. There are no guarantees. But, she loves him none the less.

It's just motherhood. As far as the daycare thing, many children thrive in daycare. They learn the social and many developmental skills that children who stay at home with themselves and their parent alone often do not get the opportunity to learn. It really can be a good thing. Just follow your heart.

[mj77]

Hmm, I agree with Linny, it's unlikely this little one will have RAD if she was well bonded with gma. If Gma has kept her safe thus far, why do you worry about bparents coming after you?

A mediation agreement will usually take care of some of these issues of boundaries. We did this with our son's paternal gma and bdad.

I do have a concern though. You mentioned going back to work. I know many parents work that have kids. I personally have a major concern with taking in a child who needs to bond with new caretakers--esspecially after 18 mo. of being elsewhere, then to be put in a daycare with even more strangers. Both my kids have a lot of needs. Dr.s appts, EI (parent involved) ECSE (comes home late morning) and I need to be with them. If you were working while the child is in grade school, I understand because they are required to go to school and you can work while they are in. Do you suppose you can work from home or find ways to cut back for you to stay home for this child if placed? Are you aware that you will get foster payments until adoption and even after that, in many cases you may qualify for continued payment until the child is 18 as well as medical/dental care (regardless). This has helped us a lot in me being able to be here without hiring a nanny--not that I couldn't use a break!

Take care.