[mrymer796]

Hi I am new to this site and I have come here because I need some advice. I adopted a little boy 3 1/2 years ago. We adopted him from a girl who was in foster care. Anyway we agreed to send pictures and letters but after 2 months she completely dropped off the face of the earth. Well I tried to locate her but being a minor nobody would give me any info. So I decided that maybe she was at a place in her life where she didn't need letters or pictures. Well I just got a phone call as I was crawling into bed and guess who it was after 3 years. It was her. My heart honestly sank to the ground. She was telling me how much she regreted giving him up and she wants to see him. She actually wants more than that she wants to be involved in his life. It is now 2:00 in the morning and I am still shaking from that conversation. I don't know what to do. I told her that I would have to discuss it with my husband and pray about it and then I would get back with her. I really don't want her involved with him. But she has a daughter that is a year older than him and I really feel they should have some sort of relationship. Ohhhh I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated right now. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by mrymer796

I really don't want her involved with him. But she has a daughter that is a year older than him and I really feel they should have some sort of relationship.

If the bmom wants to reappear after 3 years and have a greater role than the one you agreed on, it could create a lot of confusion for your son. Was it an open adoption? After 3 years of silence, is she in a stable place in her life now? If she wants to intensify the relationship, will she support your role as parent or end up confusing your son? You've got to weigh the benefits of him being involved with his sister versus the possibility of problems that could develop.
You said that you don't want her involved with him. I'd get a neutral party (social worker, counsellor, lawyer) to meet with the bmom and determine the degree of involvement she wants. Then you'll have to decide if that is what you feel is best for your son and what you can live with.

[mrymer796]

We adopted him in utah and I understood that utah is a closed adoption state so my lawyer said that this kindof commitment had to be something that we agreed on verbally but that it was not legally binding. Of course she said we agreed to let her see him but I know that is not the case I would have never agreed to that. The only thing I said is that I would send pics and letters.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If you said pics and letters, tell her you'll send pics and letters. If you are eventually comfortable with more contact, you can proceed. Start with what was initially discussed.

This could be a positive thing for your child as long as you set clear boundaries for the firstmother to keep all parties on the same page.

[crick]

I agree with Jenna on this one....at the very least, stick to the original agreement you made to send pics/updates.

It may be that the past 3 years have been a time for her to heal a bit and sort out her feelings etc. and maybe the pics and letters hurt too much. If she's now in a place where she wants that, I think that's great!

You can certainly tell her that you'd like to start at the beginning again and sent pics/updates but you are not willing to have anymore involvement than that at this time. And like Jenna says, maybe at a later time, that will change. But for now, it's better to start at the beginning and develop a relationship of sorts that establishes the boundaries etc.

[angelsoflove]

I also agree with Jenna on this. If you promised pictures and letters, then get her address and get them sent out and send them from the beginning and share them with her as promised.

Can I ask why you don't want her involved in the child's life? There is fear on both sides with the adoptive mother and the birthmother, but we need to learn to replace that fear with love. When going into the adoption journey, we all want the same thing and that is what is best for the child. It may not be best for you, but we need to look ahead and into the future the best we can and see what is best for the child.

There are many different emotions and feelings in the adoption journey and fear is one of them, but just talk with your husband and with her and see if you can all replace that fear with love, because love is what is best for the child and not fear.

[mrymer796]

Thanks for all your encouring words. I am feeling alot better right now. I think I am just scared of hurting her feelings but I think I have come to the realization that it's not about her or me that it is about my little boy. I agreed to letters and pics and even though she has lost contact with me until now I am still more than willing to do that for her. I would even be willing to accept pics and letters from her. The only thing that worries me about her is that she won't give me any info on herself like where she is or where she has been. I am concerned that she is not doing what she should be doing. I know she has had a history of some drug use. I guess what worries me the most about that is she decided to call me past midnight and that makes me feel like she may have been using because people don't typically call that time and request to speek to "their" child. I mean he had already been asleep for hours by that point. I just feel very overwhelmed right now. But I feel confident in my decision to only do pics and letters for right now. Ultimately this will be my sons decision. Even if we have wait until he is a teenager or adult or never whatever he wants we will support him.

[Papa D]

One level is the legal/technical understanding and the other is emotional.

So legally, you aren't bound in any way to the birthmother after three years. If you are uncomfortable with it, stick to your original plan.

Emotionally, this needs to be played out and discussed with an objective third party professional - a social worker, therapist or whatever. There may be an upside to reconnecting, but for a three year old it will be confusing, I think. If your child was just a few years older and could understand more about how he was adopted, I think this might be easier. But right now, your first obligation is to your son, and any consideration you give to the formerly AWOL birthmother is secondary.