[Christiansmommy]

I need some input/advice/help on this situation! Our son will be 2 at the end of this month and to this point, his birthmother has only seen him once when he was 3 months old. She has issues, drugs/homeless, etc.

For the past year, she has been in jail and should be released middle to end of next year. A couple of months ago, she sent us paperwork to fill out for visitation rights to bring him in to visit with her. I was able to put it off, because the adoption was not yet finalized and we needed him birth certificate in order for him to be allowed in for a visit.

Now, however, everything is finalized and his birth certificate has come. In her last letter, she again inquired about bringing him in for a visit. My husband doesn't see a problem with it, but I am not sure I feel comfortable bringing a 2 year old into a prison. I spoke to our social worker and she said she has been to that prison before and it is minimum security and should not be too "scary" or "intimidating" to a small child.

I am torn about this and don't know what to do. I want her to be able to see him, but not sure I was to expose him those surroundings. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Although as young as your child is, he probably will not remember it, but I would not go if it were me. I suppose it is a inner feeling...children just do not belong in a prison, jail, etc. Despite security that is taken in such facilities, I as a parent could not feel 100% that my child was safe, and that is my #1 job on this earth. I am sure visits such as this happen every day, but I support your feelings in not wanting to participate.

[Leigh131313]

There is no way on Earth I would take my child. I see that as a consequence of her actions, not because you are being "mean".

[poullafouca]

Don't take a child to a prison, just don't. Presumably the birth mother won't be there for ever, so go see her when she's out. Mean doesn't come in to it. Please don't. It won't help your little one later on either, of that I am pretty sure.

Poulla

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by Christiansmommy

My husband doesn't see a problem with it, but I am not sure I feel comfortable bringing a 2 year old into a prison. I spoke to our social worker and she said she has been to that prison before and it is minimum security and should not be too "scary" or "intimidating" to a small child.

I am torn about this and don't know what to do. I want her to be able to see him, but not sure I was to expose him those surroundings. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

There is no way I would take my child to visit a prison, minimum security or not. It's not the place for kids and as a previous post indicated, it was her actions that got her there. As for your son's age (2), my daughter still remembers the day her dad brought home her first tricycle - when she was 18 months old!

The best environment is his own home but if you feel you don't want her visiting there, then a coffee shop, or some other neutral ground - but prison? never!

[DianeS]

Prison is actually not the worst place to have a visit.

You mention that she's done drugs: during a visit at the prison she'll be clean and sober.

You mention she's been homeless: during a visit at the prison she will have slept in a bed the night before and had access to a shower.

If she has violent tendencies, then during a visit at the prison there will be guards around. If you worry that she would follow you as you leave, during a visit at the prison then she can not. If you worry that she will be a no-show, then during a visit at the prison those chances are significantly lowered.

And so on. Personally, I see the prison as offering even more safeguards than a privately owned, well-secured visitation center. And obviously many more safeguards than the local park or McDonald's playground.

Go yourself first, if you like. Check it out, talk with her, share pictures. That will give you a feel for her and for where your son would be during a possible visit. You can make an informed choice then.

[DreamingAzure]

There is NO promise that a visit to someone in prison will be a sober and drug free experience...Most prisons have drug and alcohol issues. I've been to many visitations where there were prisoners who were very obviously under the influence(both drugs & booze).

Personally, I wouldn't take a child under the age 12 into a prison setting for visitation. And for most children I would say not until they are well into their teen years.

[kelceesmom]

I believe our first instincts are most accurate. I could not take my child to a prison. I would not want them to see any part of that lifestyle. They are very impressionable even at that young age. You have to do what you feel is right.

[rtsmom]

I recommend you go with your initial gut instinct (it is rarely wrong) and wait until you can visit with your son's birthmom outside of prison. An aside but, you're obviously not comfortable going there yourself, and you shouldn't feel pressured to visit an environment you're uncomfortable with. I wouldn't take my 2-year old and am a bit shocked the sw is encouraging it. I think sw's can become desensitized, because they see so much weird crap, and their meter for what's "normal" or "healthy" can get a bit distorted.

Good luck with your decision...

[court5505]

I would NEVER take my daughter to a prison. It's just not something that I would want to expose her to, even if she's too young to understand. That's just my opinion though. You have to do what you feel is right. If you choose not to go, you should NOT feel guilty!

[Scarlett_A.]

If she's getting off in the middle to the end of the year, I also agree with putting it off.
I commend you, I think you are doing the right thing to allow him visits with his mom. But if she is getting out that soon, just wait.
Maybe you can make it special. Maybe you can invite her over for Christmas-Eve dinner or something, if she is out by then, or Easter dinner if it is a bit later.
I think you are wonderful, special, and amazing to be so committed to helping him to see his mom (not many adoptive parents will do that), but I also agree with it being special, especially since it's not that far off.
YOu are a good person.

[Scarlett_A.]

Oh, just meant to add, maybe you can drop her a line and let her know you want to see her when she's free.

[alwaysus]

Been there, done that. I brought my kids to see T twice. My ( then) 5 year old, Paul, was traumatized and hated every minute of it.( it was his birthmother) I made them go back once after Elijah was born ( same birthmother) and It took a long time for Paul to get over it. He actually told me" I am not going back to visit and thats final" No matter how they try and fix it up, it is still prison. I will never take my kids back again.
My older kids ( all bio kids) practically had to be bribed to go visit and were very uncomfortable both times we went.

Good Luck,