[karm]

We have been matched and are meeting with the birthmother and her parents this week at their home. We are very excited but also nervous. It all is happening very fast. We had really nice conversation on the phone. Does anyone have any advice as to what we should talk about when we meet? Also we were thinking of bringing a small photo album so we can share who we are with the family. Has anyone else done this? We also were going to bring cookies and maybe flowers for the family since they have invited us into their home. Is this a good idea? Any advice would help my head is spinning. -Karm

[court5505]

I think those are great ideas! We had a very similar experience. I think you will find that the conversation will just flow naturally. You don't have to talk about anything too deep. We found ourselves talking about funny stories from childhood, current events, etc. Good luck!

[StorkWatcher]

I'll get this out of the way before anyone else comments. (And this isn't a slap on the wrist - just want to point it out in case you haven't thought of it this way yet. I know I hadn't until someone pointed it out to me on here)

Has the baby been born yet? If not, the mother is an expectant mom or potential birthmom, but not birthmom yet. Not that you'll call her that, but it's imporant to acknowledge that she is the mother right now, as technically, she cannot sign away her rights until after the baby is born and she makes that decision.

Remember - everyone will be nervous, and that's okay!!! It is nice to get to know each other a little bit. YOu may find that you have some similar hobbies or family backgrounds that will give you s omething to talk about.

If the conversation goes a little deeper now, you can ask what things she wants the baby to know about her later on, perhaps you'll all want to discuss baby names, if she has any questions for you. When friends of ours met with their daughter's bmom for the first time, they asked her if she could put together a profile of herself/family for the baby, what would she put in it (because the adoptive parents had done one that she got to look at).

If this is also the time when you have to discuss details about the birth/possible placement - you might ask if she wants you to be at the hospital and try to agree on a plan to have while you're there (you will want to have something in writing for caseworkers/hospital staff, but she'll need to be able to reserve the right to change her mind).

I would love to know why our son's bmom chose us - you could ask why she's chosen you.

Good luck and enjoy your time! HOpefully you can take pictures to show the baby later on!

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by karm

We have been matched and are meeting with the birthmother and her parents this week at their home. We are very excited but also nervous. It all is happening very fast. We had really nice conversation on the phone. Does anyone have any advice as to what we should talk about when we meet? Also we were thinking of bringing a small photo album so we can share who we are with the family. Has anyone else done this? We also were going to bring cookies and maybe flowers for the family since they have invited us into their home. Is this a good idea? Any advice would help my head is spinning. -Karm

We met our son's bmom and her father together as our 'first' meeting - came over to their house for dinner. We were all hyper - nervious. In fact, bgrandpa called us to say 'you can come over earlier if you want because she keeps vacuuming!' So we did and we did bring dessert (as agreed).

Honestly, I'd focus on them, not on this child. Find out about their interests, values, hobbies, whatever. Talk about good movies you've seen or a book you're reading or your interests, values, etc.

Unless birth is imminent, there is time for planning discussions - names, logistics, whatever - in the future. Your attorney and/or SW can ask the 'difficult' questions as well - things like prentatal health, lifestyle issues, etc.

If they bring up this child, go with it to the extent they wish. If not, then leave it. It's OK to ask any expectant parent how they're feeling, and that's considerate. Beyond that, let them guide you.

This is an excellent time to get a sense of each other. If you do decide to make a plan together, you're going to be connected for the rest of your lives through this child. So be sure you all share enough besides this child to make this eternity together pleasant, if not joyous.

Best,

Regina

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our first face-to-face meeting with our daughters' birthmom was only a week before they were born (they came really early). We had spoken on the phone a couple of times in the week prior to the meeting, but meeting in person was SOOOO awkward. She had a friend and couple of her aunts there...also her 9-month-old daughter. We met at the hospital as she was on bedrest for the last 8 weeks of her pregnancy.

I tend to be a little shy when I first meet people, so I was grateful to have our social worker and agency director there to help move the conversation along. We talked about her daughter, her plans for the future, what she wanted for the babies. She asked us some questions about our family, etc. We brought a stuffed animal for her daughter and flowers for C, as we really had no idea what to do.

After leaving the hospital, we checked into our hotel and went to dinner. On the way back to our hotel, my cell phone rang. Having been through a failed placement a few months earlier, our hearts sank, just knowing we were going to be told C had changed her mind about us. It was our social worker, saying C really wanted us to come back to the hospital. Turns out she was hooked up to a fetal monitor and ultrasound, so we got to see the babies moving around and one having the hiccups! Such a special memory for me.

Good luck to you and this potential birthmom!

[lorikr]

We were really nervous to meet our potential birth parents, so we had the agency worker there to break the ice. Turns out we didn't need her there once things got going. I wanted to know everything about them I could to answer questions later - so I asked lots of questions about them. I wanted an open relationship and let them know it (they didn't necessarly, but I put it out there). They also had questions for us. We also just spent alot of time talking about our favorite movies, music and what we like to do for fun. They ended up inviting us to attend the dr's appointments. We were involved in the dr's appts, the ultrasounds and the birth and have a great relationship today - it was an incredible part of the whole experience and we love that the birthparents were so generous to share it with us!

BTW - we brought flowers and girl scout cookies. They told us they didn't like cut flowers and she couldn't eat cookies cause they made her sick. A month later when I went to their house those dead flowers were still sitting on their table - and they are clean freaks. The moral - I think they would have treasured anything we would have brought.