[Fran27]

I'll explain where I got that idea.

On another forum, someone made a post about teaching kids not only birth control, but to wait before having sex. She said had her sexual education courses told her that, she might not be where she is today (19 year old with 2 kids), and she wished she had known better 5 years ago...

I *really* wanted to answer that if nobody had unplanned pregnancies though, lots of us would never be parents... I know that even if there were classes about waiting vs protection, it would still happen, but still. That, and it made me angry to see her say that basically she wished she didn't have her kids

So I wondered... Is it selfish to want to adopt, ie wanting women to have unplanned pregnancies?

And am I the only one who really gets annoyed when I see people react as if they had no choice but to take care of the children, even though it seems like it's not something they wanted, when so many of us really want to be parents and they could have made an adoption plan instead?


What's everyone's opinion about that?

[mom2justynsarah]

Of course it's not selfish to want to adopt. As a mom to both a bio & adopted child, I am a major advocate for the safety, happiness and well being of all children.

My daughter happens to be the result of an unplanned pregnancy. Her birth parents were homeless, penniless and had virtually no means to care for their fourth child. For them to choose adoption (especially over abortion) was the most UNSELFISH act they could do for their unborn child.

[DreamingAzure]

Hmm...Interesting idea. I'm not sure I would take that so much as a wish NOT to have children I'm sure she loves...but a wish for a different future. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if I had 2 babies before I was 19...the future wouldn't be so bright!

BUT then as I face the idea of never having bio children, I half wish that MY sex education hadn't been so GOOD . Maybe if I hadn't feared STDs and pregnancy outside marriage I would HAVE bio children aready and wouldn't be dealing with the things I am now...

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what kind of sex ed many teenagers get...the stupidity of youth can't be avoided by all. Several of my best friends in high school went to the same sex ed classes, saw and heard the same stories and videos that I did, had sex and got pregnant as teenagers. Their lives have turned out much differently then they ever planned. Same thing goes with drugs and alcohol. Some learn from their "This is your brain on Drugs" ed. and others don't.

Is it selfish? Perhaps...it's hard to have perspective when someone is wishing away something you wished for for so long.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Fran27

So I wondered... Is it selfish to want to adopt, ie wanting women to have unplanned pregnancies?

Personally, I find your wording to be a bit off though the basis of your idea has roots in honesty and love. Is it wrong to want a family? No. Is it selfish to want a woman to experience lifelong grief and loss? Well, kind of.

There's a difference. And you need to be able to make that separation. Women do not get pregnant just to supply families with children. They are not incubators. They are not baby machines. They are real live human beings with real live feelings. The separation from their child is something that lives with them on a daily basis throughout the rest of their lives, closed or open. To pray at night for a woman to get pregnant so that you can have a family seems askew as it is right in line with saying, "I really wish some poor woman would ache for the rest of her life so I can have a family."

It is true that you're not going to adopt without having the firstmother feel some pain. There's no getting around it. There's simply not. And that's where you need to readjust your line of thinking. Simply wanting and praying for the child that is meant for your family WHILE keeping that child's Mother in your heart and mind, praying or thinking that she has lifelong support, is so much better.

Sexual education today needs to be stepped up. Simply telling teens to wait doesn't give them the information that they need regarding their bodies, the actualities of reproduction and the lifelong consequences of every choice made with an unplanned pregnancy. Without these things, yes, women are going to continue to get pregnant. With these things, yes, women are going to continue to get pregnant. However, with those things in place, no one can use the excuse, "I wasn't aware of x, y or z thing." Education is paramount!

Beyond all of that, yes, it upsets me as well when a woman/family complains of having children that they don't necessarily want or that their children get in the way of their plans. It actually hurts on a level that I haven't even begun to heal yet. I want to scream, "I'd give my legs to have my daughter back!" Or, "Go through the loss of adoption and miscarriage and tell me if you still don't appreciate the laughter of those children." But instead, I just sit there. Saddened for the children.

In closing of this INSANELY long reply, it is important to keep in mind that these unplanned pregnancies are attached to women who will be changed for a lifetime no matter their final decision. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

In closing of this INSANELY long reply, it is important to keep in mind that these unplanned pregnancies are attached to women who will be changed for a lifetime no matter their final decision. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Exactly... And that's the thing really. It just really sucks that for us to be parents, someone has to go through this.

Mom2justsarah, I agree with you - it's very unselfish for birthmoms to make adoption plans... But instead of wishing we could be matched faster, etc, shouldn't we wish that these women didn't have to go through that grief? Shouldn't we work more on making birth control more available to people, instead of having so many adoption professionels, and us of course, benefit from those adoptions?

The sad truth is that I feel that if all those agencies were spending that money teaching about birthcontrol, instead of advertising etc, there would probably be less unwanted pregnancies... but in the end, there would be much more people suffering because they can't have children (in France it's almost impossible to adopt domestically for example).

It's such a sad irony really

I realize this post is mostly nonsense, just a reflection about adoption/birth control really...

[SchmennaLeigh]

Nonsense is okay at times. It helps us work through our emotions.

[smooty]

Originally Posted by Fran27

She said had her sexual education courses told her that, she might not be where she is today (19 year old with 2 kids), and she wished she had known better 5 years ago...

and it made me angry to see her say that basically she wished she didn't have her kids

i know i do not have her exact words to go on, so i could be off base here, but based on my friends who have had children very young i don't think she wishes she didn't have her kids at all. just that she had not had them at 16 or 17. i know that my friends don't wish they did not have thier children, they just wish they had had their kids later in life. parenting at 17 is not an easy task. you miss out on your own childhood.

to answer your original question, i feel selfish too sometimes. waiting and hoping for our child to come. knowing that behind that joy is another women's'/family's grief, as well as the grief of our child. but the fact is, it will always happen. and do know that it is not solely unplanned pregnancies that leave children without families, but death, disease, mental illness and other major life events play a part too.

i know the pain of not having a child, so i can't imagine the incredible pain of having one and then having to give it away. i have also watched closely those who have made the decision to parent at a young age. i have seen what both they, and their children, have missed out on as a result. i 'waited' until i was ready for kids to have sex, and though i am currently childless, i am still glad i waited, because i would not have wanted to be faced with those circumstances before i was ready.

so while it is not selfish of us to want children, i think that any and all attempts to educate today's youth about sex, contraception and abstinence is critical for eliminating as many unplanned pregnancies as possible. no one should have to suffer that pain. not only for the welfare of the first mothers, but the children and our society as a whole.

[mom2GRLC]

I've adopted through fostercare children who have been abused, abandoned,neglected and exposed to things that no child should be exposed to.

Is it right for me (someone who can't have children to say ....I wish some child will be neglected and abused today and that DHS will step in so I can be a mother and adopt them) absolutley NOT.

But unfortunatly there are children abused and neglected every day in need of loving homes.... and I can pray that someone will see their pain our hear their crys and come to their rescue. My husband and I choose to be there for those kids and if re-unification isn't possible maybe provide them a forever family where they can be loved and protected. I also pray for their birthfamilies, because we all make mistakes in life and regardless of what they did or did not do for our children i know they love them with all their heart and will forever feel their loss.

I see your question the same way....

No you don't wish on any child to feel the lifelong loss of their first parents, heritage, or for their birthparents to get their selves in a position where they feel they have to place their child and mourn their loss for the rest of their lives.

But there will be woman all over the world who find their selves in that position. There will always be little babies that need loving homes to take care of them. It's not wrong for you to want to be that home and family.

I believe in a God and I believe that we are all his children. I wouldn't wish sorrowful things on others for my gain...and i would want to help any young woman I could to help give her some keys to help her avoid those sorrows.They are my brothers and sisters and I wouldn't want them to experience that pain if they could avoid it. There is always pain and loss in adoption. BUt we can be there for each other to love and respect each other. They have a heart full of sorrow and know they can not care for their child. You may have a heart full of sorrow because you can't have children. We can be there for each other and help each other in our time of need and I believe that we can be there for each other in our times of great joy as well. To share our lives and blessings with each other in whatever way we can.

[intladoptionblog]

I was one of those with two kids at 19. I spent my twenties working my butt off at three jobs at a time and taking college night classes, single-parenting after a brief shot-gun marriage, and having a generally tough time of things.
With my first pregnancy when I was 17, my mom had arranged a place for me at an unwed mothers home where my child would have been adopted.
I chose to keep my kids. I chose to parent my kids.

A good friend of mine was pregnant at the same time. She chose to offer her child for adoption.

This was 37 years ago. My kids are well grown, my twenties are behind me (a bit too far behind me, but that's another post!) and my life has been good. I now have a 3.75 year old and a 16 month old, both adopted from Cambodia.
My friend went to college, traveled the world, married and had two boys. She and her daughter, a wonderful woman and now a mother herself, reunited 15 years ago and are close. Her life has also been good.

My point? Sometimes life is just what it is.
Whether or not a hopeful adoptive mother makes wishes for unplanned pregnancies, whether or not sex education is provided, whether or not childless couples pine and birth mothers ache, life happens.

We are all changed by our decisions...our lives from then on are dictated by the choices we make. That's neither here nor there. It just is.

Okay, so maybe it's not much of a point.

[patti Daniels]

I do not feel selfish. I did not want someone to get pregnant so I could adopt the baby. I realize that some girls do become pregnant and choose life for the baby. The choice of life did give me a chance to become a mother. The pregnancy could have ended in an abortion. Also, I believe God has a plan. The bmom that gave life to our daughter is a beautiful person and I thank God for her choice everyday. She carried our daughter nine months and decided to place her in the care of parents due to her young age. She is now a part of my daughter's life and I am thankful that she has chosen to be part of our daughter's life.

[dkb60]

The original question made me think of how families that receive transplanted organs must feel. In order for their loved one to live another families live must be torn apart. It all falls in the category of live not being fair, I guess.

D.

[rtsmom]

Both of our adoptive sons were planned pregnancies of financially secure couples in their mid-30's. Both were second siblings. Both were born with a rare syndrome causing them to have significant developmental delays. If both boys had been born "normal", both would be growing up with their birth families. They were placed for adoption, as newborns, because they are disabled.

So, just wanted to mention that not all newborn adoptions start with an unplanned pregnancy.

Janet

[mom2GRLC]

I like that connection you made about transplant recipients.

1) no, we wouldn't want any child to be born into that situation. But it happens and those woman choose to place their child for adoption. In the process fulfilling the need of the childless couple.

No we don't wish for others to die but it happens and those who choose to be ortan donors are also filling a need of others.

2) birthmothers don't want adoptive parents to feel guilty and responsible for their loss they just want the family to awknowledge their pain and validate it.

the family of an organ donor who lost their child/family member don't want transplant recipiants to feel guilty or responsible for their families loss, just grateful, respectful of their feelings and the loss they have suffered.

3) For birthparents a piece of themselves is missing a tremendous loss yet also a blessing at the same time because even though they aren't with their child a piece of themselves lives on (rather than choosing abortion and ending the life right there.)

With transplant recipients although there is a great loss of a loved one that loved one conitue to live on and bless the lives of others.

There really are a lot of similaritites there between the two. Both are connected with so much loss and yet so much gain at the same time.

thank you for sharing that example.

[Fran27]

I agree, very good comparison!!!!

[dkb60]

For me the analogy breaks down at #3. As a birthmother, I never considered myself blessed. My daughter was a blessing to others but my life wasn't blessed because I released her to be adopted. The blessing for me came many years later when she searched and found us.

Just an observation.
D.