[tldowen]

Our DD just turned 5. She has always known that she was adopted. The adoption was semi-open. We never met the girl (her choice), but we wrote her letters and she has seen pictures of us and knows our first names. I, however, know quite a bit about her. She didn't try very hard to hide personal information from us. I have several pictures of her and the BF. I have never shown these pictures to my DD. She has never asked me if I have pictures, but she has asked a lot of questions that I wasn't quite prepared for her to ask at such a young age, but that is another story. I only hope and pray that I answer them correctly. Anyway, when should I break these pictures out. I don't feel like I should at this age. I don't want to give her more than she can handle. Should I wait until she is older and asks me more questions about how her Bmom looks? I always thought I would be able handle to this stuff, but I feel like I'm just winging it.

[BlessedBe]

I think the sooner you show them to her the better. Does she know that you communicate with her birthmom? If not, she may not even think that you could possibly have pictures. If your daughter already knows she was adopted and you have been open with her in answering her questions so far - I'm sure she is not only going be able to handle seeing pictures of her birthmom, but she will love it too!

Perhaps in conversation one day you may want to first ask her if she would like to see a picture of her birthmom. If she says yes, then you have your answer. If she says no, then you can tell her that when she's ready to let you know.

We are in an open adoption and DS sees his birthmom occasionally, but I have a picture of her (with his brother and sister) in his "Who Loves Baby?" photo album so he can "see" her every day.

Please keep us posted - I'd like to hear how it goes.

[ess922]

Our (2) adoptions are open. Pics of our kids' bmoms are displayed in each of their rooms. So the circumstances are a bit different than yours... But I still think that it would be a good idea to show your dd the pics the next time she asks about her bmom. I think the questions she's asking comes from a place of wondering. She probably has some mental image of her and maybe even fantasizes about what she thinks bmom is like and looks like. It could help to make the whole idea more concrete to her to see an actual picture...

Maybe you could give her the choice next time she brings up the topic of her bmom? You could say something along the lines of -- "I know you are thinking about your bmom. I think about her too... I'm glad we can talk about this together. I did not get to meet your birthmom. But I have some pictures of her, would you like to see them?" (obviously in your own words and according to what you think your dd would understand given she's only 5).

Someone told me early on that if we are comfortable with our kids' adoptions and about talking about their bparents, the kids' will feel more secure about it themselves. But if we are anxious, the kids will no doubt pick up on our nervousness. Not saying its easy at all! Just that its important to be aware of and work on.

Good luck!

[Amy2U]

My adopted mother tells me that I always knew that I was adopted, but I had "the talk" at the beginning of 3rd grade. I was 7. (or 8) it was 3rd grade.

Anyhow, I personally, would have loved to see what my birth mom looked like. All I got was non-identitying information from Social Services and I WANTED MORE.

Now, mind you, in my 7/8 yr. old mind, I thought and hoped, "I want to find my mommyso she can rescue me and get me out of here"

My situation wasn't good, so I had ulterior motives for finding my birth mom.

I think it depends on the maturity of your child. Every child is different. My 3 1/2 yr. old, acts like a 5 yr. old. Knows his numbers, letters and understands things that just blows me away. Like "metamorphisis" ! The grasshopper changing into a butterfly. I did not teach him that yet, he learned that on one of his shows.

If you think your 5 yr. old is mature enough to understand that she is adopted, and that she does have a biological mom, and if she is ready for you to ask, "Sweetie, would you like to see a picture of the lady who had you in her tummy?" and she says yes, then I would show her the pictures. But, if she continues to play, or draw, or spin around,not really paying attention to what you are saying, than she may not be emotionally mature to handle or understand it.

I really think it is based on your perception of your little girl's maturity. You'll know when the time is right. The best thing for any adopted parent, I think, is to make these kind of decisions for YOUR CHILD, and not for yourself, that anything to do with the biological part of your adopted child is for your adopted child's best interest and not the adopted parent.

If you are sensitive to your child's needs and best interest, you'll know the best time. It will be in your heart.

[ruth1]

I agree. The sooner the better. Her Bmom should always feel like a natural part of her life. If you have pictures, that's even better. It will help your daughter feel connected as she grows older. I have a great link that can help you better explain things to your daughter and maybe give you the opportunity to bring out the picture. Feel free to PM me and I wll give it to you.

[familyforever]

We have shown our son pictures of his birth mom since he was born. Every time his birth parents send pictures we show him. He's three now and not interested. A friend of mine adopted a baby girl. Her sister-in-law is also adopted. The SIL was told all along she was adopted, but her parents didn't share info until she was 16. She said the not knowing made it harder for her. This, of course, was all back in the days of closed adoption but they did happen to know the birth mom.

[DebCsMom]

We have 3 very open adoptions. Our children have always known they are adopted. Because the adoptions are so open we have MANY pictures. We have pictures of our children's BMoms & Birth families throughout the house just as we do other family members. Two of our children have siblings & those pictures are also out & about the house. In their rooms they do have special pictures like, the very first visit, the picture of them with their BMoms on the day we left the hospital, etc. Everytime we have a visit, I take a picture of them with their BMom & that picture is displayed in a special frame in their room.

I agree with the others, the sooner the better!!

Deb

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters are 5 years old and I've shown them pictures pretty often of their birthmom and sister. They really don't "get" it about how they're connected, but we just keep talking about C & S and making it all as normal as we can. Every so often, one will ask a question and we take care of the "teachable moment."

I would say show the pictures! Your daughter will probably love to see them and hear her "story."

[tldowen]

It it really strange how this worked out. I had just started thinking about what to do with my DD's Bmother's pictures. (She just turned 5) I read all your advice and decided that I would know when it was the right time. Well, the other night, DD said out of the blue, "I want to see my bmother". I asked her what made her think of that all of the sudden and she said she had been watching something on TV about some little boys who were adopted. I discussed it with my husband, and the next night I asked her would she like to see a picture of her Bmom. She said Yeah. I explained that after her Bmom picked us, that she sent us a picture of herself. Of course, just like I predicted, after she saw it, she wanted to go see her. I explained that we couldn't because I didn't know where she was and she didn't know where we were. I told her that when she was all grown up, if she still wanted to see her then we would try to find her. Then the next thing she said tore my heart out. Of course I didn't let it show at the time. She said what if they want me back? I wasn't prepared for that and I said, what would me and daddy do without you? And she said you could find another little girl. I said, we don't want any other little girl. Then she changed the subject. I didn't know what to think about she said. Now, understand, we brought our DD home from the hospital and she has a wonderful life. No worries or stress. She is loved beyond measure, not only by us but by all of our extended family. How could if even enter her mind to want to leave the only family she has ever known? After she went to bed, I just cried and cried. Can anyone help me understand? Should I have said something different?

[timni]

Our dd is only 1 so I have no advice but my heart broke for you.

Just keep reminding yourself how much she really loves you and how much you love her. I hope things improve soon.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by tldowen

Then the next thing she said tore my heart out. Of course I didn't let it show at the time. She said what if they want me back? I wasn't prepared for that and I said, what would me and daddy do without you? And she said you could find another little girl. I said, we don't want any other little girl. Then she changed the subject.

Maybe it isn't about you. Maybe she is concerned that her birthparents miss her, or she could be afraid that they have the right to come back and get her. Maybe she wants them to want her back because that would prove to her that they love her (After all, you want to be with those you love, right?) You need to talk to her about why she feels that way and let her know that adoption is permanent.

[bajj]

My ds is almost 5 and has seen pics of his birthmom. He wants to meet her and I am trying to get in touch with her now. They've met before but he was too young to realize who she was. He may still be too young, I'm not sure, but I am trying to meet his request.

[SchmennaLeigh]

My picture sits on Munchkin's nightstand and has since she was born.

[tldowen]

bromanchik,
Thanks. I know she is only 5 and can't always express exactly what she is thinking. At the time, I didn't press the issue, but now, I wish I had said a lot more. I just needed to get someone else's take on it, because I am so close to the situation. I really can't talk to anyone else about it. I am afraid my husband would be hurt at her. It's not like I personally know a lot of people in my situation to talk to. It is uncomfortable to me to talk to her about her birth morther, I'm not sure why. I am very grateful to her birthmother because she chose us. I try very hard to never let it show and I think I do a good job of that. I do it, because I know it is the best thing for my DD. But thanks for your encouragement.

[lisa in venice]

My older kids had completely closed adoptions and they both talked about going to live with their birth parents. It was rarely about our relationship but more about their insecurities (Am I going to have to leave home?) or about their curiosity (I really want to learn more about them) or about their sense of rejection (If they loved me they would want me to live with them). Remember she is only a littel girl and the full ramifications of what she is saying. I doubt it even occured to her or how those words might effect you. Good for you for staying neutral and allowing her to express her probably very conflicted feelings.

lisa