[karm]

I'm Karyn and new to this forum and wanted to introduce myself. I dont have many friends that are adopting. 99.9% of them have gotten pregnant with in the first month of trying and dont really understand our journey. We are the last of our friends who does not have a child.

My story is unknown infertility. We tried for 2 1/2 years from clomid, IUI's, lots of shots, progesterone and polyp removal and burned out before getting to IVF.

DH and I always have said we would adopt if we couldnt conceive. We decided last September 05 that we were tired of so many negatives and wanted to just be parents. So we went forward with adoption and picked an agency in our state. Our homestudy was done in December. Domestic is the way we decide to go. We picked a facilitator and in February our book(letter) was ready for Birth mother's to read. Then it was waiting, waiting and more waiting. We got picked the end of May. The day before the baby was going to be born (and we had booked the plane tickets) we found out our birth mother had lied to us and is a drug addict and has other medical issues because of this. The baby was born with cocaine addiction and many other issues. We made the hardest decision to not go forward with the adoption. It was so hard on us but we know that we can not handle a baby with these kinds of issues.

So now we are just waiting again to be picked. I'm trying to be optimistic but Im scared that what if the next birth mother lies to us again. We are trying to take this experience as a learning one and to now think of ourselves as parents to be. Has anyone had this experience and how did you get through it? How do you deal with the waiting? How do you trust again?

I hope to learn from many of you and be able share.
-K

[Fran27]

We've been waiting for almost 3 months now.

We never wanted to take the risk of being lied to, so we went with an agency that follows birthmoms closely medically-wise, gives councelling, and only matches families when they are sure there is no lie and no red flags... after birth if needed. Yes, the cost is higher, but I think it's worth it for our peace of mind.

I'm so sorry you went through that failed match. I have lots of admiration for all the people like you who manage to keep going after one. I don't know how I would react.

Are you going through an agency, attorney or doing private adoption? Maybe you could look around to find a professional that follows the birthmoms more closely.

Best of luck, I hope you get matched soon again.

[DebCsMom]

WELCOME! This is a good place to get lots of info & to learn.

I'll introduce myself to you first. We are an adoptive family to 3 children & we have 2 bio children. We have Secondary Unexplained Infertility. In our 10 years now of TTC I have had an Ectopic, 8 months later a miscarriage, then did the infertility treatment & drugs journey. Then we adopted our 3 BEAUTIFUL children. They are Biracial & AA. They were domestic newborns & we brought them al home from the hospital. (Well home to the hotel for awhile then HOME!) In November of 2005 we TOTALLY unexpectedly found ourselves pregnat again! At 10 weeks we lost the baby to a miscarrige. A week later we discovered we were STILL pregnant!! After an Ultrasound we discovered it was a twin but it was an Ectopic & I had a emergency surgery because I was silently hemorraging.

Anyway, that's our story. We have never had to say no to a situation last close to birth. I am sorry that happened to you. It does happen that information is with held but not the often. You will find in MOST cases, the medical info is available & checked out. Don't let that scare you.

The waiting IS the hardest part! We were fortunate & our waits were very short. Even the few weeks that we had to wait for our children was TORTURE! I know, some of you have waited months & years so how would I know what it's like. It's terrible that you have to have your fate, your dreams, in someones else's hands.

I use to HATE when other adoptive Moms would tell me, "When the right one comes, you will understand the wait & it will ALL MAKE SENSE" LOL But it is true. Just hold on to your dream, it will happen! This is a good place to come whle you wait. Let your thoughts out, your fears, questions, whatever!! We have been there & are here for you!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Deb

[Emster]

Welcome!

I could have written your post about the infertility journey, it all sounds so familiar. We, too took the plunge to domestic newborn adoption and it has made such a difference in our lives to have the little one around. We were fortunate not to have any complications throughout the process, though the waiting was so hard! So know that the process can work and there are wonderful first mothers out there making solid plans for their children...
Good luck and keep us posted!

[karm]

Thank you all for responding. It really does help to know that we are not the only ones going through this. That lots of people end up with a beautiful baby.

We do have an agency in our state. The agency has been great. The issue was when the birth mother had picked us she was due in 3 weeks. So we didnt have enough time to get the medical records. We did have our social worker speak to her to see if any red flags would come up and we had a social worker in her state meet with her. She fooled everyone. We got her medical records the day before we were flying and both social workers saw a big red flag on the records. That is when they confronted her in a nice way and it all came out. We have learned that we wont go forward until we have medical records, social worker must see her in her state and a background check. As they say you live and learn.

The waiting is soooo hard. It's hard not having any control over what happens. I am going to hold onto that when it's meant to be it will be.
-K

[Leigh131313]

I just wanted to welcome you to the Forums!! There's a great bunch of people here who will have tons of advice and shoulders to cry on if you need it!

You had to make a very difficult decision, but no child should be with a family who is not 100% on board, so you totally made the right decision for YOUR family. There is a family who will love that baby unconditionally and they are where he/she belongs. Try not to feel guilty, I know it's hard

again, welcome!!

[karm]

Thank you for the warm welcome Leigh.

I agree that it was the right decision for us to not go forward. It was a tough one to make because we wanted him so badly. My DH and I had a long talk about what we can handle and what we can not handle before we got matched. It helped us to stay true to ourselves and our marriage.

I am happy to say that another family did adopt him knowing that he is going to have all these issues. It made us feel good to know he was going to a family who can handle the situation and give him lots of love.