[blambdin]

I probably should have added that I am also an adoptee. I had heard things like " your dad was just too young and he wasn't able to take care of you." Mind you that he was married and 20 years old when I was adopted out. My birthmother, as the story goes, was in the hospital in Japan with TB and the birthfather didn't know what else to do. He let myself and my sister be adopted by his seargent in the airforce in japan. I was two and my sister was two months old. I really don't remember anything as I was so young and never really questioned being adopted. I guess it was when my sister died at 7 years old and I was 9 that I even really put it together that I was adopted. When she passed my parents built a church in Japan in her honor as we are half japanese. Until that time I never even thought about why I looked different. That is the time that I first remember asking about my birthfamily and was told the story. I was never told not to look for them but always had this feeling that it would be a "slap in the face" for my parents if I ever tried. They passed away about 9 years ago and last year my wife tried finding my birthfamily. Within a day she found that my birthfather had passed just 3 years ago and he lived only 30 minutes away from us. He had other children and we have been in contact with them. My parents were right in one sense that he wasn't able to take care of us as I have found that apparantly he wasn't that great of taking care of his subsequent children or himself, however I do feel a sense of satisfaction finding this out for myself instead of always wondering if my parents were just telling me stories to keep me from looking. In one way the more that they told me that was negative about him the more it increased my curiosity. I have still never found out what happened to my birthmother as I don't know how to go about researching records in japan.

I hope that this helps the OP, and I am open to any feedback.

[SanInUtah]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

No, you do not have to respect him, respect is something definately earned. However, your answers and attitude are sending a message to your son that you consider part of who he is to be worthless. In not "caring", in not wanting to know about him, you are invalidating your son's need to know. Not everything is black and white and even the most dysfunctional people have some redeeming qualities. You need to find those qualities for the sake of your son. Just because you do not care about his birthfather does not mean he does not as well. He would not have asked about him if he did not have some kind of interest.

And bottom line... they do share genetic material. They may share physical characteristics as well as skills and temperament. Helping him find the positive things he shares with his birthfather as well as helping him understand his fathers actions and how they affected his birthfamily, are both important tasks.

My son's siblings, as well as his pregnant mother, lived in a car because of his birth father's actions. When I tell him not to worry about this person who ran back to Mexico you can almost see the relief on son's face.

Not every kid has a 'dad'. My son had a 'doner'. It's easier to tell him that we respect him and his more solid views about life and family. He has two families now and the capacity to make his own decisions. We leave the care of his birth father in God's hands. There's no animosity on anyone's part, at least in this house, but the siblings are unified in their feeling that he's not someone they ever want to see again.