[KelleyF]

I was wondering if any of you adoptive parents have any contact with the foster family your children came from. I am a foster mother and 2 of my fc were placed with a pre-adoptive home about 9 months ago. I was very involved in helping to get my fc placed in this home. I wrote letters to the sw and judge and casa. I spent hours and hours on the phone trying to get them moved into the home. The adoptive family is a friend of a friend of mine so I was able to help my fc form a wonderful connection with them by meeting them at playgrounds, they came to my house several times just to hang out with the fc, and get to know them. All the while of course, this couple PROMISED me that I would still get to see them occasionally. We were told we would be invited the adoption, birthday parties, ect. I started to feel that they were really becoming friends of mine. That this would be wonderful. I love those kids but couldn't adopt them because the bio family was basically stalking me and the kids and it was very unhealthy for all of us. I felt I had no choice but to let them go to another family. This is why I was so happy to help this couple and was so happy that I would get to see them once in a while. Anyway, now they are gone and guess what....we haven't seen them since. The adoption was the other day and of course, we weren't invited. I have spoken to the adoptive mother a few times on the the phone and she has told me just to wait a little longer because they are still adjusting. Ok, I wasn't happy but that was fine. They other day when I spoke to her to see how everyone was doing, she told me that she wishes we could see them but the social worker and the therapists told her that foster families should stay in the past. Of course, I don't believe that is true at all. I have spoken to many therapists and they all told me that it would be positive for the kids to see us once in a while because they would know that they weren't abandoned again and that they didn't do anything wrong. I also called the social worker and she said she never told them that. She said it would be great if we could have a visit. She said she thinks the adoptive family is insecure about the relationship we have with the kids and is trying to get them to forget we ever existed. I can't ever beging to tell you how much I have done to help this couple get my fc in thier home and how many promised they made me about how we would still see them and how wonderful it will be, ect.. Has anyone talked to therapists about this or had any contact to the foster family and had negative results? I am so upset I haven't slept in 5 days, since I talked to the adoptive mom.

Thanks for listening...

[momofmykids]

My 13 year old son was with the same foster family from the time he was 1 mo. old until he came to us at the age of 4. We still see them several times a year. He refers to them as "Mamaw and Papaw"...all my other kids do, too. It's good for my son, and it's great for the foster parents. They loved him and cared for him, and I feel it's only fair. They decided against adopting him because of their age, and now, they are thrilled to get to be grandparents to all 8 of my kids.

It sounds like you were a good placement, and I don't see that it would be detrimental at all for you to be a part of their lives. I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Sometimes life stinks.

[akcskye]

I'm just being bluntly honest here, I am not trying to provoke any sort of arguments, so do NOT take this wrong.

We just got matched, and after we were matched, we learned that the children had just been through a failed bio-match and were now in a group home because their old foster family had closed to placements while they were in their bio-family's care.

My first reaction was "phew, at least I don't have to deal with a FOSTER FAMILY".

Now...let me say, it's not because I have a negative view of foster families or foster care. Once our kids have grown up a little bit more, we will even foster (we just wanted our first experience to be with kids we knew were going to be our forever children because of our ages).

But, I think the reason that this reaction came about was because my husband and I are quite the loners. We like family in our life, but we do not have any friends outside of work relationships. We don't like to be "bothered" per se, by meeting and entertaining, etc.

So, I guess, perhaps what I'm saying is that I don't think they're trying to erase your existence as much as the "newness" hasn't worn off of the adoption experience for them, and that perhaps they're just being selfish with their time with the kids right now.

I know for me, I would feel a little jealous letting my kids visit their previous foster parents, for fear they may like them better, etc.

Again, like I said, this was NOT to start any arguments...but just to share an honest opinion from someone on "that side" of the tangent.

Honesty is hard to come by, especially when you are trying to please everyone involved.

The one thing I DO agree with you on, however, is that they should NOT have promised you this, and then failed to deliver. If I would've been the person taking your children, I would have said "hey, for the first 6 months to a year, I would really like to bond with the kids myself, and just send you cards and pictures" or whatever the situation would require for me.

On that end, it does sound like they just told you what you wanted to hear so you'd help them out, and for that, I agree...totally wrong to do.

[mumofone]

Honestly, we wouldn't have it any other way. We call them or they call us every few days or so. We usually visit weekly. Do we have to? No.

Both of our children were very fortunate to have had the same foster parents. What a blessing they are to our family. They love and care for our children deeply. My younger son was 8 months old at placement, so there was a very special bond between him and the foster parents, who he knows as Nanny and Papa. We wouldn't even consider cutting off contact. They celebrate birthdays and special occasions with us, and there is absolutely no awkwardness at all.

JMHO

[polkadotghost]

My sister adopted a 1 1/2 year old little princess and she had been with the same foster family since birth. My niece is now 4 and they still have regular contact with them. Its every few months or so and they email frequently. They were immensely helpful in the beginning in helping her adjust and just overall amazing people. It didn't take an ounce away from their bonding or experience. I work with foster families so I know not all are created equal so it really depends. I'm so sorry you've been cut out and that view of "foster families in the past" is a really old view that doesn't seem to be let go of in social services even up here in Canada. Most times I encounter foster families who want nothing to do with the kids once they leave and I see the damage this does to the kids to be so easily forgotten. I think its important to maintain some contact (healthy of course) especially if the foster family is open to it. Just my humble 2 cents......

[mommyjamie]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this right now. We were in the exact same situation several years ago and it broke my heart. I think you may be right that the family is feeling insecure and jealous of your relationship with the children. We have since adopted three wonderful children (different place in our lives and were able and ready to make the commitment) and I think the previous experience has made me so much more receptive to being open with the birth grandparents. I think knowing how much you love them can only be benefical to the children. Will the adoptive mom send you pictures or anything? That may help ease your pain. ((((((hugs))))))

[Mared2chuck]

I still keep in touch with my son's foster parents. I know they wanted to keep my achild but I am his bio aunt and I had let it be known from the beginning that if he was my nephew I would want to take him in and raise him. They wanted to fight me at first and I can understand that but in the end they figured he would be better off with his family raising him and that maybe they could still be part of his life. I don't hear from them that much any more. His first birthday came and went they called ( I invited them but they couldn't make it they live out of state) I have agreeded to visits before and at the last minute they cancelled. I still call on occassion to keep in touch. I send pictures.. I don't have too but I do. I wouldn't want to be in their position either... They loved this boy and I know that they did. They were heartbroken when he left. I saw their pain and was upset that I was a part of it. Still sometimes I wonder if it is such a good idea to keep in contact. They are still bitter to a certain extent and soetimes I can still hear it. But all in all I do feel like it is right to keep them in his life. I think it depende on the individual situation. My ason was 4.5 months old when he came home so his adjustment period ws short. If he was older I would have agreeded to pictures an such but no visits . Good luck and maybe the new parents will see how much you mean to these kids.

[hotspice58]

Actually happened to me twice. My first call as a foster mom was for 2 sisters, 10 and 5. We bonded; then I got a call before Thanksgiving that they would go to a family that could accommodate all 5 siblings. We were all heartbroken but in the beginning they were able to call. Then the cw called me and said the new foster mom wanted to stop contact as the girls weren't bonding with her. Last I heard, they were still in fc and with the same family. Then I got a little boy 6, whose birth mom was pregnant. I got the baby at 2 days. I had them for 1 1/2 years and they went back to birth mom. She let me and my mom see them for about a month; then she stopped. W was calling me mom and she was jealous. It's very hard but as long as they're not being abused, there's not much we can do. Sending you cyber hugs and prayers.

[ajrl]

Our first fd that left us, we made arrangements w/ the court and w/ the relative for contact. The relative agreed as it was so heartbreaking to my whole family, husband and other foster kids. The agreed to visits and phone calls. They LIED just to agree in front of the lawyer and DFCS. We were supposed to go for a bday party which they later cancelled and no phone calls. It surprised me because we were not the ones that they had the problem w/. It was w/ another family member so they stopped everyone from having contact. I had one fs that took the separation very hard. He still can not understand why he cant talk to her. It was very difficult.

My foster kids will be leaving me for a permanent placement shortly. I have had them for over a year and my fs has a special place in my heart, he is such a sweetie. He overcame a lot and I am so proud of him. We have talked to the new fp and they know how we are all bonded. I hope that they will continue contact after the kids leave. My fd has attachment issues and this has been hard on her knowing that they are leaving so I hope it is an easy transition for her as I am more worried now about her reaction. I am going to miss them dearly and I hope that the new fp/ap know that this will be a hard transition and I just wish them well.

I wish I could tell you that people think that we would interfere with these children but all we care about is that they are safe and happy and progressing with their lives. They have our hearts if we were great fosterparents when they were with us no matter how long or short we too need some closure just like the kids.

AJ

[SanInUtah]

Kelley,

It took reading 2/3 of your post to figure out that you had been the foster parent, not the adoptive one. Obviously you love these kids but they've moved on. If the adoptive parents are insecure or uncomfortable then they'll have to do whatever it is that they do. If you have bio-siblings of theirs then that's another story, but it doesn't sound like that's the issue.

When my son came to me he had visitation with a former caregiver. For a lot of reasons I ended the visits. The day his adoption finalized we moved and now live out of state. It had nothing to do with my comfort zone other than experiencing his tantrums and mood-swings in our home, all based on fear. He needed to settle down. That meant starting over.

I would write those kids a letter and send it to the adoptive parents, maybe with photos of your time with the kids. They can be included in a 'lifebook'. The kids will then have the closure and clarity without the drama/trauma


---San

Originally Posted by KelleyF

I was wondering if any of you adoptive parents have any contact with the foster family your children came from. I am a foster mother and 2 of my fc were placed with a pre-adoptive home about 9 months ago. I was very involved in helping to get my fc placed in this home. I wrote letters to the sw and judge and casa. I spent hours and hours on the phone trying to get them moved into the home. The adoptive family is a friend of a friend of mine so I was able to help my fc form a wonderful connection with them by meeting them at playgrounds, they came to my house several times just to hang out with the fc, and get to know them. All the while of course, this couple PROMISED me that I would still get to see them occasionally. We were told we would be invited the adoption, birthday parties, ect. I started to feel that they were really becoming friends of mine. That this would be wonderful. I love those kids but couldn't adopt them because the bio family was basically stalking me and the kids and it was very unhealthy for all of us. I felt I had no choice but to let them go to another family. This is why I was so happy to help this couple and was so happy that I would get to see them once in a while. Anyway, now they are gone and guess what....we haven't seen them since. The adoption was the other day and of course, we weren't invited. I have spoken to the adoptive mother a few times on the the phone and she has told me just to wait a little longer because they are still adjusting. Ok, I wasn't happy but that was fine. They other day when I spoke to her to see how everyone was doing, she told me that she wishes we could see them but the social worker and the therapists told her that foster families should stay in the past. Of course, I don't believe that is true at all. I have spoken to many therapists and they all told me that it would be positive for the kids to see us once in a while because they would know that they weren't abandoned again and that they didn't do anything wrong. I also called the social worker and she said she never told them that. She said it would be great if we could have a visit. She said she thinks the adoptive family is insecure about the relationship we have with the kids and is trying to get them to forget we ever existed. I can't ever beging to tell you how much I have done to help this couple get my fc in thier home and how many promised they made me about how we would still see them and how wonderful it will be, ect.. Has anyone talked to therapists about this or had any contact to the foster family and had negative results? I am so upset I haven't slept in 5 days, since I talked to the adoptive mom.

Thanks for listening...

[KelleyF]

San-
I don't think you understand the point of my post.
I was extremely involved in the placement of these kids in their adoptive home. To be bluntly honest, if I didn't do all the work I did, these kids wouldn't have been placed with this family. I spoke to the A-mom on an almost daily basis and we became pretty close. We talked at length how important is was for the kids to remain in contact with us after they get placed in her home because of all the abandonment and attachment issues they have. She told me " I could never end visits with you and your family because it would devistate the boys. They have already lost too much. " This type of conversation happened all the time. We brought the boys to their new home and helped them move in. It wasn't a typical placement. It seemed more like we were moving them to a friends' house. Then, once they moved in with the a/f, we no longer got to see them. I still speak to the a/m once in a while, and her entire mindset is different. She wants to send us pictures of them, but doesn't want us to see them. I know this is not the best thing for the boys. They were with us for over a year, and now what...we just fell of the face of the earth? We told them every day how much we love them, and now we dissappear forever? We promised them we would still see them, (by we I mean me and the a/m together) and now that promise is broken? How on earth can that be anything but negitive for their growth and healing? Not only will it be detrimental for the boys' attachment issues, but as it turned out, this woman used me for everything she could. She lied, minipulated, and tricked me into trusting her word. And who will pay for it? Those two precious boys.

[mumofone]

(((Kelley))), I am so very sorry.

People do not seem to realize the damage that can be caused to a child when contact with sometimes the only person they remember is lost. Foster parents are a part of their life....their past.

It doesn't take that long to make a phone call, email some pics or just have a visit. Our sons' foster parents live 20-25 minutes from us, and we see them every week...sometimes more.

[mumofone]

(((Kelley))), I am so very sorry.

People do not seem to realize the damage that can be caused to a child when contact with sometimes the only person they remember is lost. Foster parents are a part of their life....their past.

It doesn't take that long to make a phone call, email some pics or just have a visit. Our sons' foster parents live 20-25 minutes from us, and we see them at least once a week...sometimes more.