[mom2GRLC]

I've been thinking tonight about the titles we use for others or for ourselves.

I'm a proud adoptive Mommy....but I think I would be offended if others referred to me as the adoptive mother all the time.

Yet I do the same thing to my childrens birthfamilies. When I introduce them to others or talk to them or to my kids. I label them as "Your birthmother ____" or "their birthfamily".

I'm just wondering if there is a way of getting rid of the labels without making things confusing to family or friends. Yet still honoring them as the special people they are.

I guess you could just use the birthmothers first name or just use titles like "grandma___", but even if you do that how would you explain their connection to family or friends without using the word birthfamily/biological family/first family/real family/ natural family?(the only term I feel works best is birthfamily or biological family.

do birthfamilies or birthmothers....cringe when they hear those terms? Does it make them feel a little disconnected?

I guess I'm starting to feel the same way towards my step-dad. all my life I've called him my step-dad or used his first name. Yet I have always called my biological dad my "real dad" or "dad".....when really my step-dad was more of a dad to me then my first dad was.....and I feel like I'm not giving my step dad the title and credit her deserves by not calling him Dad.....make any sense? (the problem is old habits are hard to change and even though I hate the term "real dad" it just feels wierd to call him by his first name...and it feels wierd to call my step dad Dad instead of his first name.

sometimes i think I'm doing my children a disservice by only using their birthmothers first name......maybe I should use the term your "Momma___" or "mother___" that way it won't feel wierd for them to call their birthmothers "mom" some day.

i don't know maybe I'm just over thinking this subject? anyone every think about this stuff?

[SpyGirl3000]

Yep, I think about it a lot, and thank you for being so considerate of others. I absolutely cringe when I hear the term "birthmom". I told the couple who has my child that I really hated that word, after they called me it once (I have *always* hated it, even before adoption was a them in my life). The male father-figure (I apologize, I am stuck in a mind-game of exactly what to call ~them~, as they have not adopted my child and with any luck they never will [I am trying to get my child back]-anyway I digress), anyway, the male said, "Well, that's what you are." They are very unhappy that I am fighting to get my child back, and he absolutely meant it as an expression of disrespect. If this couple, who is still entrenched in the idea that children are absolutely transferrable, that biology doesn't matter, and that I should just "get over it", is aware that the term is disrespectful, then without a doubt I would think some of the more conscientious parents would know that as well. To me, my connection with my child is far more than the moment in time in which I gave birth to him. No matter how they try they will never sever that connection. Therefore, to me, it just feels wrong to be labeled as something as if it were a temporary thing, or only applies to a moment in my child's life.
This is just how I feel, and I realize not every mother will feel the same.
How about some opinions on "adopter"? Obviously your family and friends aren't going to call you that (to them you are the child's mother), but how do you feel about the term in general?

[mj77]

I say I'm a mommy and if relevant, I say I'm a mommy by adoption, rather than "I'm an adoptive mother"--which sounds to me personally like second class. I also don't refer to my sons' bmoms as bmoms (unless on the forum for security reasons), but rather by their names.

[clare66]

I also hate the titles used- birth mother, biological etc also dont like adoptive in front of anything.

i refer to my natural parents as "my father"& "mother" and my parents i grew up with as mum and dad

clare

[clare66]

hi spygirl
I hope you will be reunited with your baby very quickly, what a true statement - babies are not transferable
clare

[tobeafamily]

I think titles are powerfully relavent in defining our community and describing our relationships to each other.

In our case, I'm Mom, DH is Dad, Bmom is Bema and Bdad is Beda. DS gave his bparents those names at about 18 months of age - insisted that was who they were no matter how slowly or clearly we said 'birth mom'. It works, we all love it. It's a special title, yet private in that he still controls how much of his story he announces to the world.

Other relatives are just that - grandma, grandpa, mom-mom, pop-pop, nonnie, granddad, etc. Same with Aunts. When it's not DH or my DNA relative, we say "DS's Aunt TY, or DS' Cousin DJ". Minor distinction, but it helps when people know DH has no sisters and my sisters are named TH and K.

JMHO

Regina

[mom2justynsarah]

I am a proud mama to my two wonderful children. One is bio, the other is adopted. So what should I call myself? A proud adoptivebio mama? LOL! No thanks, just call me mom.

When we post threads on these types of boards, it's just a way to distinguish what side of the triad we are on. When I am off the boards, I NEVER EVER call myself (or think of myself) as Sarah's adoptive mother. In fact, NOBODY does. I am her mommy. Period. End of story.

Although my daughter is only 19 months, we do talk about her birth family quite a bit. I refer to her birthmom by her first name. When my daughter grows up, it is up to her how she wants to refer to her birthmom. I will support her no matter what.

Regardless there is only one truth. Our children have a biological mother & another mother who raised them. Should we think of eachother any less than the other?

As adoptive moms, we can never erase the fact that we didn't give birth to our children. We have abolutely no biological link to them no matter what. They will forever be tied to another family.

But that doesn't mean we are less than important or meaningless to our children. I can guarantee you this. The woman that both my children call mommy is ....ME

[patti Daniels]

I hate being called adoptive mom. It makes me think that I am rented for a short period of time. I wish someone would come up with something that would please everyone.

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I've been thinking tonight about the titles we use for others or for ourselves.

I'm a proud adoptive Mommy....but I think I would be offended if others referred to me as the adoptive mother all the time.

Yet I do the same thing to my childrens birthfamilies. When I introduce them to others or talk to them or to my kids. I label them as "Your birthmother ____" or "their birthfamily".

I'm just wondering if there is a way of getting rid of the labels without making things confusing to family or friends. Yet still honoring them as the special people they are.

I guess you could just use the birthmothers first name or just use titles like "grandma___", but even if you do that how would you explain their connection to family or friends without using the word birthfamily/biological family/first family/real family/ natural family?(the only term I feel works best is birthfamily or biological family.

do birthfamilies or birthmothers....cringe when they hear those terms? Does it make them feel a little disconnected?

I guess I'm starting to feel the same way towards my step-dad. all my life I've called him my step-dad or used his first name. Yet I have always called my biological dad my "real dad" or "dad".....when really my step-dad was more of a dad to me then my first dad was.....and I feel like I'm not giving my step dad the title and credit her deserves by not calling him Dad.....make any sense? (the problem is old habits are hard to change and even though I hate the term "real dad" it just feels wierd to call him by his first name...and it feels wierd to call my step dad Dad instead of his first name.

sometimes i think I'm doing my children a disservice by only using their birthmothers first name......maybe I should use the term your "Momma___" or "mother___" that way it won't feel wierd for them to call their birthmothers "mom" some day.

i don't know maybe I'm just over thinking this subject? anyone every think about this stuff?

[Leigh131313]

Spygirl..

I've been wanting to respond to your question, but I just couldn't come up with an accurate description of how the term "adopter" would make me feel..

then i realized...it would be the same as if you called a birthmom, a "Birther" or perhaps an "incubator"


extremely offensive, don't ya think?

[SpyGirl3000]

3 entries found for adopter.

a·dopt ( P ) Pronunciation Key tr.v. a·dopt·ed, a·dopt·ing, a·dopts

1. To take into one's family through legal means and raise as one's own child.
   1. <LI type=a>To take and follow (a course of action, for example) by choice or assent: adopt a new technique.
   2. To take up and make one's own: adopt a new idea.
2. To take on or assume: adopted an air of importance.
3. To vote to accept: adopt a resolution.
4. To choose as standard or required in a course: adopt a new line of English textbooks.

The dictionary does not list the term "birthmom", btw, or "birth mom" even, it does list birthmother:

1 entry found for birthmother.

birth mother also birth·moth·er
n. One's biological mother.

So technically, I am ALL of my children's birthmother. I am NOT, however, ONLY their birthmother, just as you are not just their adopter. But yes, the terms "Birther"
and "incubator" are just about as offensive as it gets.

[kune]

mom2GLRC
I'm taking one part of your original post and highlighting it .....

Yet I have always called my biological dad my "real dad" or "dad"...

....just to point out that when adoption is part of the equation, everyone gets really "fragile" about titles.

- In an adoptive family, there is no way you would define the birthmother (to your adopted child) as ......"your real Mom"
- In a reunion - a birthmother would never call herself - your real Mom
- Yet in a step-parent situation, real Dad is an honour and a compliment.

Titles define how those using it feel. It's personal language and describes the importance of the role.
Yes....I sometimes feel that there is too much emphasis put on titles, but then again I am happy just being able to be part of my adult child's life so Ann or birthmother, firstmother, even birther is OK with me. (But.....Incubator I would vehemently repudiate so there is a 'personal fine line'.)

Here on the forums, we need titles to explain the relationships so birth / adoptive / adoptee / etc is used - in normal life I don't think we use prefixes to the same extent.

Interesting point though. When you have to look at a dictionary for something that defines, it shows our securities.

For the record, I like the term Guardian - for any parent be it biological or adopted. It truly defines the role.

Ann

[ocracoke]

I call all of my parents by name because I became so uncomfortable with all the labels. Bmom is Alice, bdad is James, amom is Jolene, adad is David, and stepmom is Meg. Makes it really easy for me to talk to and about. I will use the Amharic words for mom and dad when referring to the parents of my child that I am adopting from Ethiopia. Hopefully my daughter will call me Mama but I would be just as happy if she refers to me by my name -- it seems to be a bit of family tradition at this point.

[Leigh131313]

Spygirl, I'm not sure what your point was...but


Birther, Incubator, Adopter...


all equally offensive to me, no matter how accurate...and actually, they are all accurate.

[SanInUtah]

Originally Posted by SpyGirl3000

Yep, I think about it a lot, and thank you for being so considerate of others. I absolutely cringe when I hear the term "birthmom". I told the couple who has my child that I really hated that word, after they called me it once (I have *always* hated it, even before adoption was a them in my life). The male father-figure (I apologize, I am stuck in a mind-game of exactly what to call ~them~, as they have not adopted my child and with any luck they never will [I am trying to get my child back]-anyway I digress), anyway, the male said, "Well, that's what you are." They are very unhappy that I am fighting to get my child back, and he absolutely meant it as an expression of disrespect. If this couple, who is still entrenched in the idea that children are absolutely transferrable, that biology doesn't matter, and that I should just "get over it", is aware that the term is disrespectful, then without a doubt I would think some of the more conscientious parents would know that as well. To me, my connection with my child is far more than the moment in time in which I gave birth to him. No matter how they try they will never sever that connection. Therefore, to me, it just feels wrong to be labeled as something as if it were a temporary thing, or only applies to a moment in my child's life.

Originally Posted by SpyGirl3000

This is just how I feel, and I realize not every mother will feel the same.
How about some opinions on "adopter"? Obviously your family and friends aren't going to call you that (to them you are the child's mother), but how do you feel about the term in general?

We refer to my son's first mom as his 'mom'. Everyone knows who she is and they'd better respect his right to respect her, kwim? There's no threat to my relationship with this child. I'm his only parenting mom. I think she'd agree.

This may sound unfair, but I think you'll get what I'm saying. If someone relinquishes the care to a child then they also relinquish certain other rights. It might suck but that's reality. This reminds me of my two grandmothers (mom's side) not allowing us to call them "grandma" and yet my dad's mom threw a fit because we felt uncomfortable with the more casual term.

My heart aches for anyone in your position. Still, engineered the circumstances. Think about how your child will feel if he loses the only secure home he's ever known. Think of much distrust that will create between you and him. As much as you might feel manipulated right now I hope you'll have the foresight to see what pulling him away from the only parent's he's known would do to your child, at age 4. Maybe you can find a way to work with the people you once chose and trusted. I hope so!

[dmca]

San in Utah,

I like the Parenting Mom. That's a good one.
My daughters parents ( Father deceased) are her parents and her MOther is still her Mother, even though we have reunited.
I don't know what to say either. All I know is that her family is now part of my family. After all, she is my daughter and part of me, and they are part of her too.
reminds me of a saying " you don't get to pick your family". lol, our 'blended family" is kind of like that.
dmca