[mrflick]

My wife and I are thinking of adopting a child in the 11-14 age range. We have two children now (both by birth): a 7 year old son and a 2 year old daughter.

I have found numerous articles about adopting "older" kids, but they have all been in the context of the adopted child being an only child. I have not found any information about younger birth kids all of a sudden having older adopted siblings.

I think our son is old enough that we can talk about this with him before we get the ball rolling, but at what point do we bring up this subject with our daughter? I belive adoption to be a beautiful and noble thing, and I want my birth kids to understand that; however, above all, I want them to realize that Big Sis is in fact just that, Big Sis...regardless of who gave birth to her.

Any thoughts or links to articles are greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Matt

[shy_bear]

We are open to an older girl, my kids are 8 and 5. You will hear A LOT of people tell you it is not a good idea. B/c so many kids in fc have a history of being sexually abused you are opening a huge can of worms. I would be a little concerned with your daughter being so young, she may lack the verbal skills necessary to explain to you if something happened. With that said we had a 17 year old girl in our home when my youngest was very small; she had many issues including RAD and ultimately we had her removed. I would suggest you read, read, read!!! You have to educate yourself. Also, we thought this time around we would be placed quickly. You see so much in the media of all the children waiting and no one wants older children. Well think again, we have no gotten one phone call and the girls that I have sought out have numerous problems that we can not deal with.
Bottom line is only you and your family can make this decsion. You must be very careful and no what your limits are. These kids have seen and heard things you can not even imagine. Good luck and I hope you make that right decision for your family.

[hotspice58]

Shy_bear is right: educate yourself about attachment disorders (being a teenager, he/she has probably been in numerous homes). I had a 14 yo boy: attachment disorders but not a bad kid.

Also, have rules and punishments written out so they can see what their consequences will be if they disboey you.

One more thing: I learned this from a psychiatrist: it takes about a year for him/her to get used to you/comfortable with you. During that time, he/she will probably talk back to you, teachers and other adults and possibly call you names. Learn all you can!!

[SanInUtah]

Originally Posted by mrflick

My wife and I are thinking of adopting a child in the 11-14 age range. We have two children now (both by birth): a 7 year old son and a 2 year old daughter.

I have found numerous articles about adopting "older" kids, but they have all been in the context of the adopted child being an only child. I have not found any information about younger birth kids all of a sudden having older adopted siblings.

I think our son is old enough that we can talk about this with him before we get the ball rolling, but at what point do we bring up this subject with our daughter? I belive adoption to be a beautiful and noble thing, and I want my birth kids to understand that; however, above all, I want them to realize that Big Sis is in fact just that, Big Sis...regardless of who gave birth to her.

Any thoughts or links to articles are greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Matt

Matt,

Teen adoption is sorely needed in this country, but you're not a candidate by most county standards...for good cause.

Every child who enters into a multi-child household will push their way into the existing family dynamics. It's how they make a place for themselves. Younger siblings typically emulate and follow older ones, older ones typically resent it.

For reasons of safety, most counties won't allow you to adopt 'out of the birth order', meaning that you won't be allowed to adopt a child older than your youngest child living at home. In L.A. County the seperation in ages is about 24mos, but they'll make considerations if the child is coming into a group home or home with biological siblings in placement.

There are laws governing this rule but the laws vary by county and state. they exist for the emotional well-being and physical safety of kids who will be displaced (no one's ever exempt) by the sudden presence of a larger, stronger child. Also, when an older child is brought into a home where the other kids are much younger (as in your case) the failure/disruption rate is higher. That's not good for anyone involved, including the teenager.

If your trying to fill a void in available homes, for overlooked kids, you might want to consider at-risk infant care. That's not to mean severe disabilities. It means everything from AIDS babies to newborns who are detained healthy at birth and will be reunified, those found to be unsafe with their bio-families and detained at a young age (and suddenly need to be brought up to date on medical info, developmental assessments, ect), or infants waiting for a permanent fost-adopt placement. The need there is JUST as great as the need for teenage placements. Most people won't invest the time to be trained for infant licensing (which is not that much) or are afraid to become too attached.

You ought to ask your county about local laws regarding the separation of ages before you spend the time and money.

[SanInUtah]

Originally Posted by hotspice58

Shy_bear is right: educate yourself about attachment disorders (being a teenager, he/she has probably been in numerous homes). I had a 14 yo boy: attachment disorders but not a bad kid.

Also, have rules and punishments written out so they can see what their consequences will be if they disboey you.

One more thing: I learned this from a psychiatrist: it takes about a year for him/her to get used to you/comfortable with you. During that time, he/she will probably talk back to you, teachers and other adults and possibly call you names. Learn all you can!!

The 'rules of the home contract' is typically required by county adoption agencies as part of the child's packet. The disruption rate is SO high that it's used as a pre-emptive strike. If you have to do it a copy will remain in your fkids folder permanently.

As far as a year for kids to adjust. My so was 6.5 when he arrived and is 11yo now. He's still verbally abusive at times and can't attend public school due to fear and respect issues. Every little kid he knows has learned from him. I used to warn my parenting friends about listening to conversations with their own kids and him. I've said it a million times...Had he arrived as a second or third child I would have disrupted before finalization.

[missw005]

Matt,

First of all, the special needs board might be a better spot for your post. Many adoptive parents on that board adopted their kids as teens.

Second, I've been a foster parent for over 11 years and an adoptive parent for 5. Because I'm both, sometimes I take in kids temporarily until they can solve the birth parents' situation (ie, drug bust, in the drunk tank, etc.) or until they can find the kid a bed in a long-term home, group home or shelter.
Therefore, I've taken kids out of birth order. And let me tell you (my kids are now 4 and 7), it has not worked well. Teens, even pre-teens, are irritated by younger kids. They get in their stuff, "bug" them, ask too many questions, etc. Most teens do not think these little ones are cute and funny - and if they do, they don't think it for long. Your household is probably also "set up" for younger children. Not just the toys and decor, but kid-friendly meals, household routines and everything else. As a parent, it's a hard adjustment to go from one to the other.
Let alone the danger factors. Abuse of every kind - and I'm not just talking sexual here. Physical abuse - sometimes even just roughhousing gets out of hand as teens are not used to toning it down for little ones. Or their irritation gets the best of them and they make it hurt "just a little bit, mom, really" to "teach those little kids a lesson." Verbal abuse - teens can be nasty! I know this as a foster parent AND as a high school teacher. Teens will let you have it! I'm not just talking about swearing - I mean threats, personal stuff, you name it. Do you really want your little ones to have to listen to it? You think you can control it, but you can't. You just never know when they'll spout off about something, and you can't be with them 24/7.
Control issues are also big. They have no control over their lives, and what happens to them - and you're now the one controlling them. They'll look around to see who THEY can control............and there are your younger children. Be it stupid dares to do something, or conning them into taking/saying/doing stuff........your kids are vulnerable and that teen will know it.

That said.........
As a teacher, I've met a few teens over the years in the schools I work in with family/home issues that I would have happily taken in. In fact, there's a boy right now that is trying to work out his living situation (he was living w/b-grandma, she died, now he's living with her boyfriend) - and if it doesn't work out, I'd take him in - in a second. He's a great kid, just ended up with a crappy family situation.
However, that's going to be really difficult for you to determine from a teen's file written by social workers. Along with their difficult sides, teens are also very smart. They know how to work the system and the people in it. Everyone can be fooled. Everyone.
I had a student a couple years ago also in a crappy family situation that I thought about taking in.........only to find out later that he'd been taking drugs - and had recently started dealing them as well to support his habit. Everyone on staff was floored. We had no idea, and we spent most of the time with this kid. And this is in a school with a lot of drug- and alcohol-abusing kids. In fact, many of the other students were shocked as well. The point being.............they can pull one over your eyes as well as they can their workers'.

Perhaps a good starting point would be doing respite for another foster family - on weekends? It would give you a chance to see what it's like without making a permanent commitment. That and the foster family the teen currently lives with is highly likely to be honest about their issues.

Again, re-posting your question on the special needs board will give you a broader response from people who are doing it and have lived to tell the tale.

Best of luck to you.

Sandy