[mj77]

I waited about 4 1/2 years to be a mommy and missed the first 13 mo. of my first son's life and the first 5 mo of my younger son's life. I was not about to miss more. We sacraficed a lot so I could be with my boys and be a SAHM.

Interesting though, the sacrafices we made so I could be with my boys weren't nearly what I was affraid they'd be. I found lots of ways to save money and other SAHMs to keep me sane and give me ideas and parenting tips with my kids.

I just recall my mom being gone at work. She was tired at the end of the day. We got what was "left" of her. I wanted to be a mom first and not have my kids get the burned out side of me for dinner, brief play and bed.

Constructing my day takes mental planning the day prior if I'm to go anywhere with the kids. I get up at 7:30, dh has kids fed and we play (sometimes go to park, kid museum...), eat lunch, quiet time and nap time (mommy time), play time (go out sometime for play date or activity) then dh comes home, does his thing, gives me a break and we have dinner, play, dh bathes boys, we put them to bed, dh and I have our time then we go to bed.

[mom2justynsarah]

I just recall my mom being gone at work. She was tired at the end of the day. We got what was "left" of her. I wanted to be a mom first and not have my kids get the burned out side of me for dinner, brief play and bed.


I am also tired when I come home from work. My kids are tired when they come home from daycare/school/camp. But they get my undivided attention until they go to sleep.

After dinner we have play time. Then it's time for bath. Afterwards, we spend a luxurious time cuddling together in bed. (until they are SO READY to go to sleep). It's all about the QUALITY of time, not the quantity.

Once the weekends come, it's all about them. In fact, I can't remember a day when my husband & I actually did something WE wanted to do. lol. But the kids are our first priority. Hey, if the mom is happy, so is the rest of the household.

[jaenelle]

Well, a lot of you SAHM say you admire working moms. But what about those of us who don't work because we want to, but work because we have to? I *CANNOT* quit my job for any reason, under any circumstances. My DH simply does not make enough for us to even get by on by ourselves, let alone with a baby. We also could not afford health insurance if my work didn't pay 100% of mine (very rare and I'm very lucky). I grew up with a single mom -- she didn't have the luxury of doing anything but working full-time. And I married a man who happens to love what he does for a living (CMA) but doesn't make very much money doing what he loves. I look at SAHM and think how great they have it -- they're not missing anything out of their children's lives, can attend all school events (Mom was rarely able to because she always had to work), etc. etc. And most SAHM always look at everyone who doesn't stay home with a lot of pity, and it's like they can't understand why we would "choose" to work. And somehow there's the implication that we can't be good mothers because we work, or at least not "as good" as SAHM because we work and they don't. Most of you may have a choice of whether to work or not, but I wanted to say that there are those of us who would love to stay at home with our children, but simply cannot. Please don't assume I'm choosing to work because I want to.

[sadiegirl]

Please, let's not turn this into a who's better, SAHM's or WOHM's. I think mj was just saying she didn't like her mom working but she didn't mean that reflects upon any of you...

It really can be a grass is greener conundrum; sometimes SAHM's wanna get away and sometimes WOHM's wanna be home.

We all do what we have to do to make it...

[Fran27]

You know, sometimes SAHM isn't a choice either (when you wouldn't earn enough anyway to make up for the crazy cost of daycare, or would just bring home maybe $100 a week after that). I'm sure lots of SAHM wish they could work and bring some money.

That, and you're 25, which is very young for adoptive families. 10 years down the road, you might very well be able to be a SAHM.

[momraine]

A lot of people are just doing what they have to do. I don't think anyone was trying imply anything else. I was one who said I admired people who were able to juggle both work and home. I do feel priveledged to be home with my kids. I worked in day care before and I thought it was kind of sad that everything (at least at the that particular daycare was so rigid)
Story time was at the same time every day even if a child was feeling too energetic to sit down, they still had to sit, and if they were feeling quiet, they still had to play outside at the right time. They even had bathroom breaks scheduled. I then started doing home day care with just a few kids. We were able to read when the kids were in a quiet mood, play outside when they were hyper, etc. I have looked at going to work, but the cost of daycare and gas would mean I would not make any money. When we are struggling to pay bills, I sometimes wish I could do something to bring in some money. I don't think it is a contest. I think it's a matter of what your family needs and what you as a mom need. I have a friend who swears that if she had to be home all day with her kids she would loose it and might hurt them, but by being away all day she is really with her kids when she is with them. I know Stay at home moms who really want to work but can't afford it. I know working moms who would love to be home but can't afford it. I also know several who thought that for years and then figured it out and are now at home. Also if you have special needs kids, that changes the equasions. I have a daughter who has frequent medical appointments, most two hours away from here, so it kills most of day. I don't think a job would give me the time off to do that. The other thing is that I have not seen anyone on this board say they were better, whether Sahm or Wohm, they just stated thier reason why they were whichever they were. It is normal though for people who are not doing what they want to, to feel a little defensive about it. It's also hard in this format to catch the sublties of communication. It's easy to read stuff into it that isn't there.

[Fran27]

Great post Momraine

[mroot]

I am a hybrid. I work 2 days a week (16 hours) as an HR professional. I did this to keep my skills current in the event that I may want to return to the workforce full-time one day. For me, it has been the best of both worlds - I have plenty of time with my son and I get a respite and connection to the workforce. I am also fortunate to work for a company who understands work/family issues and allows this kind of arrangement. It has really been good for me and my son!

[court5505]

I don't think anyone is saying that one way is better than the other. Everyone has to do what works best for their families.

[atthelake]

I am a SAHM because I want to be. This is the only job I choose to have right now. Before we adopted our son my DH and I planned how I would stay at home. We saved my salary for several years to train ourselves to live on less and it built a nice nest egg for us. I love everyday with my son, but I do miss working. I loved my job and had worked there for 13 years. It was a difficult transition. But I love being able to be available to my son and husband all day long. I will return to work in a few years. But for now, this is what I choose to do. It is nice to have the freedom to choose and I each woman has to choose what is best for her and her family


ATL

one son - born 2/03, adopted 5/03

[hotspice58]

Well said. A while ago, on Dateline or 60 minutes, there was a segment on working moms and were the families better off. Some werent'. A friend of mine works and was bringing home only $50 extra a month after daycare and every thing else was factored in.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

Please, let's not turn this into a who's better, SAHM's or WOHM's. I think mj was just saying she didn't like her mom working but she didn't mean that reflects upon any of you...

It really can be a grass is greener conundrum; sometimes SAHM's wanna get away and sometimes WOHM's wanna be home.

We all do what we have to do to make it...

I absolutely agree with you! Hat's off to ALL moms regardless of who we are, and what we do. Personally, I think being mom is the most rewarding, yet toughest job in the world.

[mumofone]

I am a SAHM now, but I couldn't do it when we brought our first son home. Even now, the only way I am able to stay home is because DH works extra hours to make up for my income. This is a sacrifice we are willing to make so that there is always one of us home with the kiddos.

When we did the math, we realized that the care giver would be getting half of my salary. When I factored in clothes, gas, etc., it just wasn't worth it.

I think we all have to do what is best for our own families.

[sissyminsky]

I think no matter what you are doing, sometimes the grass is greener in somebody else's yard. I felt guily when my son had to go into daycare, but I love our daycare now. And I know having my work makes me a better person, therefore a better mom. But, every once in a while those heartstrings pull and I imagine a world where I am home all day to go on walks or read and sing to him for hours on end in a sparkling clean house that I cleaned while he napped. But then I realize that that is probably not the whole story for most SAHMs on most days. And if it is more power to you. My work is great most days, but not everyday.

It isn't an option for us, and I don't know if I would do it if I could. As the poster above me said, you gotta do what's right for you and your family.

[mj77]

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

Please, let's not turn this into a who's better, SAHM's or WOHM's. I think mj was just saying she didn't like her mom working but she didn't mean that reflects upon any of you...

Thanks, and no, I understand everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. I DO feel the choice we made and sacrafices we made were best for OUR kids. It wasn't about us and having nice things, we knew that our kids needed one of us here for THEIR needs. My youngest is in an EI group that is parent involved and my older just graduated ECSE (specail ed preschool) where I needed to be home when he was off the bus. My kids NEED the one one one attention they can't get in daycare because of their needs. When my youngest is in 1st grade, I'll go to work part time so I can be home in time for my boys.

I have also worked in a few learning centers and daycares and have my own personal bias as a result. I saw too many parents drop their clingy children off that were starving for affection so they can afford luxuries or self centered careers at the expense of their children. There is a misconception about quality vs. quantitywith some people. I saw too many parents spoil their kids and not disapline them because they felt guilty not spending more time with them. I also heard of parents sleeping with their children that are older to fill in that gap of time missed, again, out of guilt.

I know that many have to work to keep a roof over their children's head and in this case it IS in the better interest of the child to miss out on a mom or dad for hours in the day to have that. I don't mean to suggest that anyone here has nessisarily put careers over their children. It is also NOT wrong to need a break or have a hobby. I think most of us have our priorities straight that are here on this site talking about our children.

Please don't anyone feel I'm being judgemental of any personal circumstances (as I don't know them). It's easy to become defensive on this issue and this is a neat discussion. We ALL have reasons for doing what we do for the BEST of our family and that is very important whether you work inside or outside the home or you are a full time mom or dad.