[Papa D]

And everything is going so well with our private, open adoption plan, but I can't help but look for any 11th hour red flags.
We have developed a great relationship with potential birthmom, met her extended family, she has repeatedly told us how happy she is we are going to adopt her baby (due July 22). We had an initial court hearing required to help the interstate compact, we're all set to get the phone call that she's in labor, and hope we can make it the 8 hours to SC to be there for the birth.

So I wonder - what are the factors that usually lead to a change of heart in the hospital?

[tobeafamily]

Wow. This is a nerve-wracking time for you. I can completely relate.

Understand that once this child arrives, she and her family will have to re-make their decision to place. If her family and support system strongly believe that making an adoption plan is the right thing now, that may be a factor once this child arrives.

What I can say is this - guard your hearts, just a bit. Yes, very hard. May seem impossible. I had written on my bathroom mirror "If they choose to parent, we will be OK" and I recited that every day.

HTH, best of luck.

Regina

[Papa D]

I can't stop my wife from snapping up cute little baby girl outfits, but I keep saying "did you keep the receipt?" She must be annoyed with that by now. And we've got a baby seat (can't leave the hospital without!).
But you're right - she has to re-make that decision all over again after she looks into the eyes of her child. We have met all of her main family members, and they are supportive of the adoption plan. Plus, and this is critical, the potential birthmom has firm post-birth plans for school, work, etc. That is a good thing.
Only lingering, nagging thing is that the birth father is totally awol. He really doesn't have any particular rights in SC, where we are adopting, and he hasn't expressed any desire to father. It shouldn't be a problem but we don't want to be back in court in two months, even if we are guaranteed to win the case.

[DebCsMom]

Congrats!! This is the hardest part, when it is so near.

There is no real way to tell if & when a PBMom will change her mind. But in my experince & from what I've heard from others, it is usually after the birth.

Everything can be all great & wonderful & the PBMom can have 100% intentions on placing. I have ALWAYS said, even in our own adoptions, that once the PBMom sees & holds her child, it's a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME! Different emotions kick in then. It isn't just a baby growing inside her, now it is a live human being. She can hold her, feel her, smell her, etc. It all changes then. SOMETIMES! Just make sure the PBMom has her time with the baby. I always made sure they had all the time they wanted with our adopted children. I didn't want her to have regrets about not holding them more, feeding them more, having alone time more. Let the PBMom be the guide. Even though her Birth plan may be different than what she now wants after the birth. That doesn't mean she is changing her mind either. Let the PBMom be in charge.

I get so frustrated when I hear adoptive couples get so upset because the BMom changed her mind on the birth plan, or on how much time they were allowed with the baby, etc. If the PBMom wants to breastfeed, LET HER! It was a wonderful experience for me to see & I know for them. Encourage her needs, not your wants.

It doesn't happen very often, though. I don't want to scare you but just make you more aware. Guard your heart alittle. YEA RIGHT!!!! LOL Don't give it away completely. Until PBMom signs those papers, which I know you know, it's her baby.

Again, I'm not meaning to scare you! Just prepare you.

I hope ALL goes well for you!!! Best wishes to you! Good Luck!

Deb

[Leigh131313]

I have to agree with everyone else...there really is no way to tell. You're just going to have to ride it out. Enjoy as much of this as you can

[Birth4Mom3]

I want to say that the hardest thing for me in the hospital was that I had made a firm decision, knew it was absolutely the best thing for my bdaughter . . . and the hospital social worker came racing up trying to change my mind when she caught wind of it. SHE was the most upsetting thing.

(Please don't read that the wrong way - I was at peace with my decision although it was heartbreaking. Painful, but I did have a peace about it.)

I knew what was ahead and was trying to memorize every moment that I had with all of my senses, begin my goodbyes and grieving and this woman was interrupting it. SHE was the one that made me cry, made it more difficult than it had to be.

Since your pbmom has family support, hopefully they will run interference for her if there are any of these 'helpful' social worker types around.

I wish you well, Kim

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by Papa D

And everything is going so well with our private, open adoption plan, but I can't help but look for any 11th hour red flags.... So I wonder - what are the factors that usually lead to a change of heart in the hospital?

PapaD,

As has been stated by others, every mother needs to remake her decision to relinquish after the baby is born. I encourage you to give her time with the baby. She needs to say hello before she can say goodbye. This is her time to be a mother and make all decisions for her child, which will include the decision whether or not to parent her child. I think that giving her the space she needs will show your respect for her and her role in her child's life. That will be a good beginning which will carry over positively into the open adoption arrangement you have agreed to, if she decides to place.

Originally Posted by Birth4Mom3

Since your pbmom has family support, hopefully they will run interference for her if there are any of these 'helpful' social worker types around.

Birth4Mom3,

Actually, I hope for this mother's sake that there is someone there raising questions instead of just encouraging her to keep with the plan. This mother needs to question her decision once the baby is born and make sure it is really the right decision from her. It is possible that she is receiving family pressure to place, rather than just support. Every situation is different. I certainly wish someone would have raised those question to me. NOONE did - at any time in the process. I received only pressure to place, and I have regretted the decision that was forced upon me ever since.

Just because questions are raised does not mean that this motherwill change her mind. I believe that it does, however, help ensure that she will be less likely to feel that she was pushed into the decision to relinquish.

[Emster]

However no social worker should be trying to change anyone's mind, just help process the thinking through before a final decision is made. Hopefully the birthmother will have someone objective to go thru things with her.

PapaD--congrats of the swiftly upcoming due date! When we learned of the match, my social worker said," now go home tonight and sit with your husband and talk about your plan for if this doesn't work out--be sad and worry, because it might not happen. Then, put it away, and enjoy and celebrate being prospective parents!" I offer the same advice to you. May things work out the way they are intended.

[Papa D]

We agree that she will get all the space and time she needs after birth. She will only be informed that yes, we have arrived at the hospital and are in the waiting room, awaiting word from her to say that we can see the baby, bond with the baby and whatever else she desires before she signs the consent documents. (There is no revocation period in SC).
We are not under the impression that there has been any pressuring to place in this case. Indeed, the opposite has taken place - other family members saying she should mother - but she is firm, and mature about this decision.

All that said, we remain cautious .

[kelceesmom]

Papa D,
Many congrats!!! It is an exciting time but yes scary too. You will be waiting up until the paperwork is signed. Like all the rest guard your heart just a little. If it is meant to be it will be. Let the bmom know that whatever her decision you will stand by her. Good luck and enjoy your time now. It is going to be crazy after the babies birth. Sleep, eat out, go to the mall and movies!!!

[DebCsMom]

We had a similar situation with the hospital SW trying to change the BMoms mind. VERY anti-adoption hospital!!! Our sons BMom was so angry with her & told her off MNAY times! The SW made it so difficult even for me. BMom would tell the hospital staff one thing & the SW wouldn't let them do it. I had an ID band to allow me into the nursery, etc. SW denied EVERYTHING! She made the BMom very angry! Our son's BMom stayed in the hospital an extra day, which we paid for. She was discharged before our son was. The SW told us we would NOT be able to be with the baby if she was discharged. So BMom stayed an extra day.

I have heard many stories like that.

Poor PapaD...we are probably scaring you to death! LOL

Deb

[tobeafamily]

In our case, it was our son's bgrandma who changed our minds. I swear she was psychic. I was ready to walk out of that hospital and never come back because I absolutely could not take that baby from them. Never said a word though. That's when she turned to me and said "Don't quit on us, now. We're counting on you." Argh.

I would if you haven't already contact the hospital's maternity ward/ L & D Manager and ask what procedures or policies they have regarding new moms making an adoption plan. In our case they were very good about it - explained that with her consent we would be given one bracelet so we could ask for him from the nursery, if desired we'd be given a private 'bonding room'. They also made it clear that if she chose to parent, they would not interfere and we would be required to give our bracelet back.

Really, just hang in there. It's an incredible, very intense time. Rest up now, recite your 'mantra', and understand you've got many here who are with you in spirit.

Regina

[mommmmy]

Oh boy what an intense time! We just went through it.

I don't know that there really are any clear signs of anything.

I can just tell you that our daughter's birthmom did many things that many people would say were signs that she was not going to place. She spent lots of time with the baby. She roomed in with her overnight. She asked me to be be with her at the hospital but solely to help her, not to be there for the baby. She would say "mommys baby this and that" (meaning her) and she would call her by a different name. But then they came in to do the bc and she put the name we chose first, the name she chose as the middle and her last name (we've included the middle name in our name too - with her permission) And yes all of these things were very different than the plan that she had written up and given to everyone.

The hospital sw was very nice to her. The agency sw was terrible. She kept asking if she wanted to post pone signing since she was sad. That whole thing was interesting to witness. I was surprised to see that she wanted to sign the relinquishments and was anxious to get through that part. She kept saying - look I'm not questioning my choices to place the baby. I'm beginning to deal with grief....I feel sad - what kind of person would I be if I didn't feel sad?! I guess we all thought that an adoption SW should realize that there will be a grieving process! It made me wonder if the sw would have thought it was ok if she didn't seem to have any feelings about it all.

Ok so I know this will not be very popular on here. I will just tell you that it all was the TOUGHEST thing we've ever been through! And I think the only way to get through it is to just take it moment by moment. Things can (and often DO) change drastically at the time. If you are able to be there in the moment and deal with things as they come up...you'll be ok.

I say all this because I think that's often a big surprise for adoptive parents. They don't realize how tough it all can be.

There are lots of things we will do differently the next time around.

I would NEVER recommend that an adoptive parent be the sole L&D support person for the pregnant woman. And if at all possible - make sure you guys have your own support folks to help you whether by phone or whatever (I certainly would NOT invite others to the hospital). Here's the thing...this time of birth and after is really ALL about the pbmom. And while we can logically know that...it can be very different when you are in the middle of it. We are human and are not able to just turn on and off our own feelings at will. So it's good to have some support to process things for yourself. The whole thing is very complicated. And while we can know this is her baby and her choice, we also do have our own hopes and dreams. Sometimes I think it can be very surprising as to how complicated all the feelings can be when it comes down to it. It's important to make sure that you have things set up so that you are taken care of too. Sometimes too that may mean setting up some boundaries and/or not agreeing to certain things - and that's OK. I've found that often times adopting parents don't feel that they have any choices at this point...but we do.

Sometimes too afterward it can be tough to go from having everything all about the pbmom to having everything be about the baby. Which of course is a very necessary shift. Obviously this is assuming that surrenders are signed. I've talked with countless adoptive parents that had a tough time with going from being all supportive for the pbmom to ok now we are the parents and our primary focus needs to be this child.

Also, once things are set up...try to find out what the logistics will be for discharge if you are to take the baby from the hospital. I hear over and over again how awkward that can be...like an after thought...and we experienced it as well.

Anyway that's probably WAY more than you were asking for. And like I said, I'm aware that it won't be very popular with some on here. But I think sometimes people don't express the full experience or are concerned about saying things. I know as potential adoptive parents we were so concerned about wanting to make sure no one was hurt and that we did everything possible to be supportive. But we sortof forgot that we had our own process going on and it's a VERY important one. And sometimes on these forums we are so afraid of being attacked or not saying something just exactly right that we end up not sharing at all.

All the best to all of you!

[ourdreamcametru]

As everyone has said, the decision has to be remade after the birth but the best advice I got and something I truly believe is, " Give the pbmother all the space she wants and needs but take all she will give you also" Our bmother didn't want anything other than 30 mins alone with the baby and her mother then she wanted us to be the parents and we tried to do just that to allow her to see how much we already loved this baby girl and hopefully what wonderful parents we would be. Every case is different and she may want the entire hospital stay alone with her baby, and the baby is just that until she signs. I have a friend who's bmother even wanted to take the baby home for the 10 day waiting period but assured them that she still strongly intended to place which she did with out hesitation. Stay strong and remember, she is the parent and calls all the shots. Good luck and prayers.

[snaps]

This is almost the hardest time for everyone involved. We (as adoptive parents) went through it last Fall. We were matched with the birthmother a few months before delivery, drove the 7 hours to spend a weekend there, met the birthfather and the extended family, etc. We had great contact with the birthmother and then things really dropped off just prior to the delivery. We were terrified, but I just kept telling myself that I wanted everyone involved to be sure it was the best decision for them.

The baby was large and they thought about inducing early then that got changed. Then the baby was overdue. During the last few weeks the birthmother had doctors appointments every 3 days or so. We would get an e-mail telling us when the appointment was and then not hear anything for a day or so. Even when we knew that she had an appointment that was to be "the day" to decide about induction we didn't get a call. Phone calls were not returned. I felt that all of these were probable signs of things falling through. Eventually though bmom called us and said that the decision was delayed by the doctors again. The next day we got the call that they would induce the next morning. We didn't get that call until 5:30 pm after she had been to the doctor that day. We drove the 7 hours and were at the hospital for the induction the next day.

All was well at the hospital and bmom and bdad said they wanted us in the delivery room. Induction was started at 8 am and then baby was not ready until after 6 pm. Right before delivery bmom changed her mind about us being in delivery. We just respected her wishes and tried not to get freaked out. We saw the baby after the delivery and visited the bmom and bdad. Bmom had said initially that she did not want to hold the baby, but ended up holding her many times. All these things worried us, but we wanted bmom and bdad to be sure of their decision. We left hospital with the baby and then had to go to court a few days later with bmom and bdad. They signed surrender papers, but this was followed by another 10 day waiting period. We stayed in state until interstate compact was signed and bmom and bdad visited baby again at the hotel. We were nervous every day until the 10 day period was up.

Despite many things that I felt like were signs that things would fall through everything worked out in the end. To this day I do not know if bmom and bdad were having second thoughts in those days just prior to delivery. All I can say is TRY not to freak out and just play it cool. Most of all respect bmom and bdad wishes while in the hospital. Good luck to you and keep us informed of what happens.

Sorry so long,
Snaps
Mommy to 7 month old