[tjb52]

Hello! I have been lurking on this site for a few months now and I have learned a ton. I have been patiently waiting for my DH to announce that he is ready to go ahead and start the adoption process (domestic Infant adoption). He has had some career issues he felt needed to be taken care of first.

Well last night he told me that he is ready to go ahead!!!While I am super excited and ready to go I wanted to get some input from you ladies who have been here already. How involved did your husbands get into the adoption process? I am worried that my DH is not as involved as he should be, while I dont want to push him, I also want to make sure he is as invested in this as I am. I am the control freak in the family and have no problem keeping track of all the details and paperwork, I just sometimes feel like he should want to know a little more than he does. We have a 4 year old son and my DH is an amazing Father so I am not worried about that end of things at all. I know things are different for each family but I just wanted to get a feeling for how things worked in other families. Were your DH's just on the sidelines until the baby/child arrived or were they right in there through the whole process?

[CAToso]

Originally Posted by tjb52

Were your DH's just on the sidelines until the baby/child arrived or were they right in there through the whole process?

I'm the same way you describe yourself - control freak who does all the research and paperwork. For this reason, and because I didn't want to be doubting whether this was really what HE wanted, I mentioned adoption to DH as an option I'd love to consider at the very beginning of our infertility troubles. Then I dropped it. When he brought it up again (on three separate occasions), I knew he was really ready and interested.

Now that I am doing research and paperwork, knowing DH, I don't expect him to get "excited" about things like getting a physical and filling out forms. He is whole-heartedly ready to pursue this, and I know he'll do whatever needs to be done to get the administrative stuff finished, but I don't expect he'll be truly excited until we are matched, or possibly even until we have a real child going home with us.

I also know he tempers his enthusiasm because he doesn't want ME getting too excited and then being hurt by a failed match - he did this throughout infertility treatments as well, and vented to my sister (they are very close) about his frustration and disappointment, because he was trying to be upbeat for my sake.

I don't know how helpful this will be. You know your husband best, but if he's told you he's ready, he probably is, even though he probably won't be nearly as excited as you about interviewing agencies, filling out forms, looking at pictures of potential matches online, picking out nursery themes and colors, etc. He's probably trusting you to take care of all the details, and just tell him when and what he needs to do for his part.

~Courtney

[Emster]

My DH was ready and interested, but like all things in our little family, he's the support person, and I'm the detail girl--calls to agencies: mine, paperwork: read him the questions and he'll answer, tell him where to sign, etc, etc--you get the idea. He was very attentive in the pre-adoption classes and generally took cues from me regarding adoption language, how to tell family adn friends, etc. I think from reading these boards, that many of the husbands are like that, though many took the ball and ran with it (good for them!!). One thing I refused to do was write DH's bio. He suffered thru it and actually lived to tell about it! Now he is such a great dad! I just think men do things differently.

[NurseNikki]

I have to agree with the other posters. In our experience so far, DH has been there as support, but very quietly. I scheduled the appts, filled out the majority of the paperwork, reminded him about his part of the paperwork, etc. He, too, doesn't want me to get to excited, so he tries to temper my enthusiasm with his realism. I know he will be a great father, he will definitely step in when we get matched and bring home baby.


In our case, some of his distance is stilling dealing with the grief of our IVF experience. So, not saying this is an issue for you, but if it is, it's understandable. I am the type of person that sets that end goal, and do what it takes to get there. So, when we discovered we were not going to have bio kids, I immediately started thinking about adoption. DH struggled a little bit more I think, with the IF issues.

[Fran27]

A bit the same here. I was ready to adopt much before dh, and I've been much more detail-oriented (or obsessed) than him. I researched agencies, I did most of the profile, I had to pester him to get his part done for the autobiography etc.

I know he wants a child very much, he seems more patient than me over the whole thing though.

[tjb52]

You guys are making me feel much better! Thanks for the replies, I think I just forget sometimes how different my DH and I are. It is hard when I want to be so excited and he wants to keep me in check!!

[HappyTwinsMom]

My husband was VERY involved in the whole process, perhaps more so than me at times. But, then again, he was the one who basically planned our wedding with my Mom. I definitely married someone who's in touch with his feminine side...LOL!

[tobeafamily]

DH was involved, I was the orchestrator though He carded, left flyers, talked to people, put signs up in his car, etc. He just waited for me to tell him what we were doing next. Which I did in droves, being the professional planner I am (really, I'm certified in it!).

What's important is that he not be DISengaged. He's got to "own" it, to participate and commit, for you both to really be successful.

JMHO HTH

HTH

Regina

[srusse24]

Originally Posted by Emster

My DH was ready and interested, but like all things in our little family, he's the support person, and I'm the detail girl--calls to agencies: mine, paperwork: read him the questions and he'll answer, tell him where to sign, etc, etc--you get the idea.

This sounds just like us! DH seemed somewhat aloof about the process initially, but since we have been matched, he has become much more involved and showing more excitement. I think some men just express themselves differently. When I am excited about something, everyone around me knows. DH is more reserved and doesn't necessarily show all that much emotion. He has recently been sharing our news of being matched and finding out we're having a boy with all the guys at work. This was a sure sign to me that he is looking forward to this adoption!

[Vogi2002]

I had to laugh at your post because my dh was the same way, I did the same thing, backed off, let him tell me he is ready (which he would NOT do unless he IS for SURE ready...you can't push that man to do anything he doesn't want to do). I do second guess his readiness, which irritates him, but i just dont' want to be "that" wife. I researched the agencies, I did the budget, I have scheduled everything, and I have been the one getting impatient and excited. He is one of those "i'll believe it and get excited once it's here" kinda guys....anyways, you are totally normal. I even had to pratically bribe my dh to finish the questions on the homestudy....

He is 100% excited and ready, and willing to adopt, he just lets me (his little control freak) do all the work!! LOL

Natalie

[mom2justynsarah]

How involved did your husbands get into the adoption process? I am worried that my DH is not as involved as he should be, while I dont want to push him, I also want to make sure he is as invested in this as I am. I am the control freak in the family and have no problem keeping track of all the details and paperwork, I just sometimes feel like he should want to know a little more than he does.
Well last night he told me that he is ready to go ahead!!!

My husband is the control freak in our family. He was the one who kept track of all the details & paperwork. But when it came to actually taking care of our daughter, he couldn't handle it. lol. I think he was just so overwhelmed by the whole process. It's easier handling paperwork than a newborn. lol.

He had a hard time in the beginning. It's a hard adjustment going from one child (we also have a 7 year old son). to adding a second. But he got used to it after awhile.

Although he is an awesome father, he doesn't get very involved with diapering, or giving baths. But he is certainly a great noodle maker!

My children still come to me as their first choice. I am the one they call out to when they are hurt, hungry, lonely, bored, etc. They love their daddy. But it's MOMMY who is currently #1!

[ajrl]

So glad I am not the only control freak around here.. hahahahaah


Well, I too put the bug in my husbands ear about adoption. It took him a while to agree. Once he did that then I went full steam ahead researching. Once I narrowed down the agencies I liked, I talked to them and then when i found the coordinator that I liked I chewed her ear off. Then when i felt this was who we were going to go with, I asked my hubby if he wanted to talk to her. He then talked to her for another hour.

I have talked to the coordinator after that. He sometimes asked me what's going on are we matched yet. And then i would relay what the coordinator told me. Last weekend he finally asked to call the coordinator about what was going on. She talked to him again and said that she is happy that he called her said she knew it was getting close and that means he is getting excited now.

AJ

[Leigh131313]

My DH is 100% on board, but still it is up to me to "get it done" lol

This is our pregnancy, right? lol

[LegalEagleMom]

When we found out that I could not have a child of our own my husband went into research mode. He looked into every option from all the agencies in our area. I couldnt have had better support. He went to all the appointments, and sometimes I think he was better infomed than I was. LOL But I know without his love and support we would have never been blessed with our beautiful daughter Kaitlyn.

[akcskye]

My husband is the same way.

He wants it, but is letting me do all of the contacting/paperwork.

He was very active in the classes (foster to adopt path here), and even remembered a few things I had forgotten.

He never sat down and looked at the adoptuskids.com website with me, or anything.

However, he would jump to his feet when I found a profile that looked like we could handle it (we have no bios).

We've been matched now, and are awaiting the children's files.

I asked him "when they come in, if you're at work, do you want me to keep it closed until you get home?", and he's like "whatever you want honey, I just want it to be how you want it".

He's so sweet...still considers me over him.

He brings up the matched children's names in conversation now, and he's told a boat load of people where he works...so I do know he's on board.

Hope that helps.