[Alexanndra]

Hello!

My SO has a 16 year old bson (only child) with whom he is exceptionally close. I have dated his dad since he was 5, and lived with both of them since he was 10. We get along well, but I don't feel like his mom, (although I do have "mom" responsabilities like doctor's appts, homework, etc!). His mom is in frequent phone contact with him, and they see each other about once a month, so I am definately the step-mom, not the mom.

So, I have a couple questions:

1) How should we bring up the topic of adoption with him? I don't think he'll be jealous in terms of me, but he will most surely be jealous in terms of his dad, since he's always been an only child.

2) I wonder if he'll see the newcomer as a "real" sibling, or as a "step" sibling? And how will that affect each of them?

Don't get me wrong, we get along and he's really quite cool for a 16 year old, but I wonder if he will feel wierd or bad if his Dad and I adopt a baby, and what the whole dynamic will be like.

[MichelleL11]

Alexanndra:

I recently had to do the same thing with my 16 year old (and 12 year old, too). Although my situation is a little different in that I am the "mom" who the kids are not living with full time.

In my case, my 16 year old is a daughter and my 12 year old is a son -- and despite being worried a bit they are both thrilled and very supportive. Granted, they will only being seeing the new baby twice a month, at holidays and a couple of months over the summer -- but there was not a hint of jealousy or concern on either of their parts. Of course, this may change once the baby arrives but for now, they are both totally cool with it. My daughter even said she thought we would be the perfect pick for a potential birthmother. I just hope her opinion turns out to be be right.

So based on this experience, I would just break the news as easily as possible, with an emphasis on the positives (becoming a "big brother" was a big deal to my 12 year old) -- and you may be pleasantly surprised. It is amazing how 16 year olds are so involved in their own lives and activities that a new baby may not worry them at all.

Oh -- one piece of advice I would give is to not keep it a secret too long. My daughter said the mother of a friend of hers kept a pregnancy a secret until the last possible minute -- and both she and her friend thought that was just awful. Not the baby, just the keeping of a secret for so long. Not sure if this will help, but thought I would add this . . .

Good luck!

MichelleL

[Alexanndra]

Yeah, I was thinking he might not make such a big deal out of it because if his age. I was 10 and 12 when my siblings were born. At 10, I was a little jealous... until my brother was born, then I loved him to death. At 12, I barely even remember my sister being born! I was too into my own life! I guess I worry since he's an only child. Also, I don't want him to somehow feel more entitled since he's the bio child, but I'm pretty sure he's cooler than that! We don't even have our home study yet, so it's all still in the planning stages.

[sangerami]

We were in a very similar situation last year. I have a now 15 yr bio-son from first marriage. He has lived with me and dh since we married 9 yrs ago. We decided last year that we wanted to adopt. We had actually purposefully waited to have children together until he was stable and secure in our blended family...didn't want to have the "mom's new family" issues. Anyway, by that time things weren't working out for us biologically and we didn't see the point in going the whole AI/IVF route.

When we talked to ds, he went from supportive to ambivalent and back again...typical teenager. We made sure he knew that he was so loved that we wanted to love another child.

Actually, I think it was easier than if he was younger, with a more traditional age spread. We brought our little bunny home in September and ds fell immediately in love with his little brother. There is no jealousy or feelings of being supplanted in the family. He is the big brother and his place in our family and hearts is secure.