[HBV]

I know this issue has come up on here before. As H gets older, I am starting to think more about what we say to others about adoption. We have a very open adoption, we're happy with our situation, and I don't mind when people ask questions about adoption. Our plan is to talk about it with H from the beginning. Here's my question, though: H is a really beautiful, very engaging baby----everywhere we go people stop what they are doing and come talk to us about how beautiful he is. Purely coincidentally, his coloring is similar to ours and in fact he does look as though he could be our biological child.

Most of the time, with strangers, I just say thank you when they pay him a compliment, or "do you think so?" when they say he looks like one or the other of us. I am not at all trying to hide the fact that he's adopted, but I just don't see why I need to volunteer information to relative strangers. My husband, on the other hand, is so excited about the baby, the adoption's finalization, and everything about parenting, that he is often quick to volunteer to people that H is adopted. I doubt that it makes much difference right now (since H can't talk yet!) but I want to give H the opportunity to decide how and whether to share his story.

I'm guessing I'm not the only one that's experienced this. For those of you with slightly older children with physical features that don't provide obvious clues to the contrary, do you volunteer the fact that your child was adopted to acquaintances or others? Did you change that practice as the child got older?

[NJNative]

Nope...we have people whom we have known casually for years who don't know our son is adopted. It's just not everyone's business. We don't hide it, but we don't tell everyone.

As for strangers who comment on him looking like one of us, we usually say, "Thanks." Then we laugh about it privately later.

Because we adopted him at 10 months of age, literally everyone we knew was aware of it when he was small. But since then we have moved to another town, changed jobs, etc. So many people only knew us as an already existing family. I think that was about when we just stopped sharing it unless there was a reason the person needed to know or if we were exceptionally close.

Robin

[HappyTwinsMom]

As my daughters get older, I'm less likely to volunteer information about their adoption story to others. (The girls are five now and very strongly resemble my husband's family...even their birthmom says so.) I feel like it's their story to share if they choose. If the fact that they were adopted is relevant, yes I share it. I'm certainly not trying to hide the fact or pretend that's not how they joined our family.

Of course, everyone we knew at the time of their birth was aware we were adopting. But, like you, as our jobs change and we meet more people, it's not always "common knowledge." In fact, when I've mentioned it a couple of times recently, people have seemed surprised....in large part because of the strong resemblance.

I'll never forget the co-worker of my husband's that we met in a store when the babies were just a few months old. His question was "So, are these your two little adoptees?" I was so completely offended, I just walked away while my husband tried to smooth it over. (He's the diplomat in the family.) Situations like that make me less willing to offer information about the girls' adoption. I don't want them to hear things like that from ignorant people.

[McNally720]

Wow!! I've heard of stupid before, but "little adoptees"???? WOW!!

Ok, now that that's out of my system, I think we are following a similiar path--for the first 6 months or so, we practically ran down the street with signs reading "we adopted Megan!! Isn't she perfect??" but now, while we don't avoid it, we don't feel the need to discuss it with strangers in line at the grocery store.

She looks a LOT like my husband, so we do get comments (what redhead doesn't??)--but we usually laugh, say "thanks" or something to that effect. It took me awhile to learn that people USUALLY won't press the issue if I ignore their question about where she gets her hair from, etc. and just carry on with whatever small talk we are making.

It's just their way of saying how pretty she is! (or at least that's how I take it)

We definitely plan on make M "in-charge" of her story when she's old enough to verbalize it/understand a little more about it.