[gottahavehope]

When I read these boards, I'm constantly reminded how smart and brave you women are. Just thought it would be interesting to hear more.

So, what is the best advice you would give someone going through this process?

Best advice I could give would be....

Trust your own heart and your own instincts. Every person I know including some strangers had unsolicitated opinions about our adoption. People wanted to weigh in about everything from how long it would take, to what lawyer we should use, to what race we should adopt, to how much openness we should want, to what they thought about our birthmother, to what we should name our son, and now about how we should raise our son. But, my husband and I know that the decisions are ours and the only person we need to please is our son Jack.

[HappyTwinsMom]

The best piece of advice I got about adoption was when we were waiting to be matched. Our agency's director told me "Don't let your emotions make your promises for you." Meaning, of course, don't promise anything you aren't certain you're able to follow through on unless you sure...and don't let yourself get carried away with "getting the baby" and find yourself promising things you're not comfortable with.

I have appreciated that advice so much and firmly believe that the "right" situation will happen for those who are waiting. Being true to yourself is so important.

[timni]

Mine would be to try and keep living your life. I wish I had followed this advice myself. There is enough stress going on that if you add to it by obsessing you are just hurting yourself.

Second is to treat yourself like an expectant mom. It helped me to feel like I had a baby on the way.

OH yeah and Margaritas regularly. During my "pregnancy" I not only could drink I needed to.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Don't be afraid to say "no" if the situation doesn't feel right.

With all the heartache I experienced with infertility, I learned not to have high expectations right out of the gate. There WILL be long waits, there WILL be unreturned phone calls, there WILL be nights of worry and wondering when things will finally fall into place. With that mindset, every little moment was then a blessing.

[Linny]

First piece of advice I could give:
I will second the opinions about not allowing your heart to over-rule the sensibility of the situation. In other words, don't promise something you're not sure you can do; and don't automatically accept a situation that might have more serious challenges than you initially expected to take. Bottom line: Don't let your heart SOLEY rule your judgements.

Second piece of advice I received that really helped, was hearing our adoption attorney tell us, "You know....you'll get a baby.....it's just a matter of WHEN...not IF."

And this has played in my heart and head so many times. Easy to get discouraged by the wait......and agencies/attorneys/facilitators LOVE to make you think that they can get your baby for you---right away---if you'll ONLY pay them big monies up front.
Truth is.......if you can do the wait time....there IS a baby out there for you. I've come to firmly believe that.......

Sincerely,

Linny

[WLD]

Hmmm...interesting. I didn't get any advice since most people didn't know it was going to happen till it did (myself included ) I did get a lot of "are you crazy?" Even my lawyer said "Are you sure you want to do this? You've already raised your kids, let someone else "fix this" He redeemed himself later (somewhat) when the judge had questions as to why this child was being adopted yet again and he said "these parents have something special to give the child" SO advice i didn't give but my very best buds, after getting over the initial shock would remind me "Your a great mom and he's a great kid, ya are going to be just fine"

[rjsmom]

I agree with take time to enjoy your spouse/significant other.

The other piece I read - I think it was on here but I have no idea who said it was, "Pray to God and swim for shore" for me this really hit home and I still have the post it note hanging on the wall.

[SanInUtah]

[quote=gottahavehope]When I read these boards, I'm constantly reminded how smart and brave you women are. Just thought it would be interesting to hear more.

So, what is the best advice you would give someone going through this process?


If you are even considering a county adoption I'd do the MAPP classes early. Get your classes done, your home inspection done, then your homestudy packet (which is more mysterious to newbees than it is difficult) DONE! Then you'll know what direction to take.

Secondly, be open to county adoptions! In larger counties there's generally no wait for newborns or kids under 3. When I was taking classes a facilitator asked the question "What is the difference between county and private adoption". A woman piped up "The quality of the children". I nearly threw my Slurpee at her, so did a lot of other people. If you talk with people who've done both the exposure and adjustment issues are about the same. There is NO difference in the longterm success of the kids, period. There's also no difference in the longterm success of children who were placed as older kids and only 4% of kids over the age of 5yo will ever be placed.

County adoptions come with full medical charts and court mandated disclosure. It matters. I have my son's prenatal records and his parent's history. We have access to information about his siblings and even to the siblings themselves. Also, he came with full medical insurance (zero co-pays) and a monthly subsidy because we opted to go for a special needs child (our choice!).

Most of my friends who adopted thru the county chose 'normal' kids and that's what they got. None of us requested caucasian kids but I think three of the people in my class wound up with caucasian babies. (As in private adoption, only a fraction of placed babies are not minorities.) Only a few of us went in actually requesting high-risk babies or children, because we knew that they didn't stand a chance to be considered, and we were fully aprised and had medical back-up. Still, you go into a special needs adoption with different expectations and goals. It might not work for everyone.

Lastly, lose your fears. You ARE good enough. Your credit is good enough. Your past is behind you. No one is going to look at you thru magnifying glasses. At least that is true with county adoptions.

[StorkWatcher]

The wait was the hardest part for us. And we didn't have to wait long, relative to many others or even to our initial expectations.

The only way we got through a failed match and our wait was by believing that we were meant to be parents, that our child was out there somewhere, and God would send him or her to us at exactly the right time.

I would advise to keep a journal of some sort (weblog, journal book, monthly emails of your journey to keep friends/family updated). It's amazing once your child comes home how many things you'll forgot and how so many of those feelings are now ancient history!

Also, be prepared. Talk to others who have/are adopting. Talk to birthparents. Read books on parenting.

[mom2justynsarah]

The best advise I can give is to have faith. You need to believe in your heart that this is the way things are meant to be. Your child IS out there. When the timing is right, it will come to pass.

Let me just give you a quick glimpse of what happened to us. We already had a 6 year old bio son. He was conceived through IVF. We had tried another IVF cycle for baby # 2. It didn't work.

We were contemplating just having an only child. But I knew in my heart that I wanted a second child. So I started to heavily look into international adoption.

My husband always wanted to adopt domestically. But I didn't believe that domestic adoption was even a remote possibility for us (too expensive, years of waiting, etc).

Boy was I wrong! A friend of a friend referred us to a facillitator in California. She only dealt with open domestic adoption. She was also less expensive than an agency or attorney. Plus this friend just recently adopted a beautiful baby through her. So we decided to give her a call.

From the time we sent our birthmother letter to the time we brought our daughter home was 2 months. My daughter is a healthy blue eyed, blonde haired beauty. She is now 18 months old. She is the light of our lives. I can't imagine life without her.

As a matter of fact, my daughter is standing by my side with a funny joker type hat on her head. She is shaking her head to make the bells ring. She is hysterically laughing and having a good ole time. Ahhhhhhhhh....life is beautiful!

KEEP THE FAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie

[gottahavehope]

Thanks to all who posted. Your advice is really inspiring. We truly do rock as mothers, women, and people.

Peace,
K

[SadieAnn]

I would say the "only way you'll never adopt a baby is if you give up".

Our first placement failed hard. We had a newborn baby in our arms for 5 wks and then birthparents changed their minds. It pretty much killed us at the time. Going on was tough, but we did.

I just kept telling my husband, "the only way we'll never be parents is if we give up, so that can't be an option". We surged forward, and 3 mos later had our son.

Many won't have a bump like that in their journey but there will be bumps. And as much as we are generally desperate to be parents, even a small hole feels scary. But just try to prepare yourself that their will be hiccups along the way. There generally are. Then relish the wonderful moments when they come. You are building great memories!

Good Luck! Lori

[momofmykids]

Lori,
Glad to see you back.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by gottahavehope

So, what is the best advice you would give someone going through this process?

Take it one step at a time. The bottom line for me was that until the expecting parent we were matched with made their final decision about the placement of their child, I was not a Mother to that child. It is a hard place to be but it is realtiy and helped me keep things in perspective and I hope, helped me care well for my child's first parent then and now. I am not a Mother until the bparents say I am.

Make the most of the wait. I've been through it twice now and a common element was that I worked hard not to waste the time worrying while I waited. We continued on with our lives, living for today, hoping that tomorrow brought our dreams. We prepared as if the babe would come home soon, knowing the wait could be awhile. In fact, this last time we were prepared for at least an 18 month wait... Roo came to our family in just 12 months... what a nice surprise!

Always remember the right "match" will come when it is right. It may seem as if you're waiting a long time, but all that means is the situation isn't right yet.

Lastly, for me at least, the best advice I have is to view 'waiting to adopt' as just that. We as waiting/adoptive parents, esp those who have never had the privilege of giving birth, have to deal with the realtiy that the adoption journey is different from having bio children. We most likely won't get pampered during the wait, and the birth and days following are filled with "bittersweet" as we know that another woman's heartache has brought us so much joy. Most likely, alot of people won't understand the journey you're on unless they've been there themselves and even still, each journey is unique. We have to learn to live there And not always wish for how "it could be". That just isn't reality.

[intladoptionblog]

My best advice...educate yourself.
Read, learn, study everything you can about all aspects of adoption. This prepares you to take on the thoughtless comments, make good decisions, keep up your confidence and use your time wisely.